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Old 10-01-2007, 06:59 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2
barbie81 HB User

I am not new on the boards,but new posting and need some advice.My husband and I are the caregivers to my 83 year old Mother-in-law.I am very frustrated as my husband is very consumed with my Mother-in-law and He feels completely respnsible for her.He says it is my imagination that he is puttung her first.She lives in hud housing and has people that live there,too.There is an offcie open monday thru friday and they would help her if she needed something and she has a life alert necklcae to call for help.She also has a night person on call at night.We are both on Social Security Disability and my husband has generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder and I have fibromyalgia and stress just makes both of us worse.My husband has a sister and she has bipolar and anxiety and can't handle much of her mother.My brother-in-law and his wife work full time and are pitching in as much as possible and they are raising a daughter.We have no children.My parents are elderly and I help them a very small amount as they only need help with financial questions and stuff.Am I being unreasonable to expect some husband and wife talk without bringing my mother-in-law into everything.Thanks for any advice.P.S.My father-in-law asked my husband to take care of his mother if something happened to him.He died 32 years ago.But he also told his brother the same thing.My husband cannot breathe for her.He has to let her live her own life.Barbara

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Old 10-10-2007, 09:33 AM   #2
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: slc, utah
Posts: 502
liz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB Userliz49 HB User
Re: Frustrated

No, it is not unreasonable for you to expect your hubby to put you first, but your hubby maybe be incapable of seeing it that way. You've probably been married many years and the pattern of "mom first" has been well established.
Trust me, you can talk until you're blue in the face and he wil not change. YOU are the one who has to change. I am sorry to have to say that, but this isn't bugging him, it bugs you. If he brings her up in every conversation, gently steer the conversation awat from her, or let him talk, then change the point. If he insists you go with him to see her, just refuse. You don't mention if you get along with your MIL, so I don't know if it's a power struggle issue or not.
I wish you the best.

Old 10-10-2007, 01:02 PM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 2
barbie81 HB User
Re: Frustrated

Liz,Thank you for your advice and some of what you said I having started doing.But,I do get along with my MIL for the most part.I myself have done alot for her and the only probelm is the more you do the more she expects you to do.Take Care,Barbara

Old 10-13-2007, 04:45 PM   #4
Senior Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: Southern Illinois
Posts: 197
aussie308 HB User
Re: Frustrated

My problem is slightly diferent from yours, but I can understand what you're going thru. My MIL is failing mentally and has been slowly eversince I've known her for almost 8 years. But now it getting worse and my husband will not put his foot down to her about things such as medical and health issues. I have to be the "bad guy" And he is also "mommy's boy". He seems to need to tell her everything personal about me and our lives. Then she tells everyone else in the world with her own translation and spin on it. (read major, nosey gossip). Anyway, you may just have to put your foot down to your husband and tell him you two's personal life is just that. YOURS! His mother may get aggrivated not knowing everything, but it won't kill her. Also put your foot down and say, "Hey, I need your support too and respect of my privacy" If he continues to tell her everything, I would stop telling him anything. After a while he's bound to realize she (he too) is causing problems in your marriage. You might also try marriage counceling for a totally objective prospective to give him a reality check.

My hubby and I still struggle some with this, but it's getting better. Good luck to you.

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