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I feel like a horrible person

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Old 12-30-2007, 07:59 PM   #16
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Sonoma, CA USA
Posts: 296
TopamaxKillsMe HB User
Re: I feel like a horrible person

I had a heart to heart w/ her and made her aware of my issues. Like your mom, mine is very stubborn so the fact that she actually was open to this conversation and it went really well (after the initial screaming match).

I want to be there for her, I just don't want to be given the riot act when I'm looking out for her health. What was really hurtful was when she told me how I would be overwrought w/ guilt after she died. I came here to help her and have sacrificed a lot for her (when she had her bone marrow transplant, I flew to Tampa from LA and was her caregiver which jeopardized my job...I had to work remotely for over a month....and ultimately when my boss left and I got a new one, I ended up losing this job of five years. My life took a turn for the worse after losing that job.

I love my mom. I want that to be clear but I also have a lot of issues due to the dysfunctional environment I was raised in. I still find it very hard to believe that I actually came back to Florida. When I left almost half my life ago to go to college in NYC, I swore I'd never come back but here I am. I'd hate to think it was all for nothing.

Anyway, thanks for your support. It really does help (so does the Xanax).

Happy New Year.

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Old 12-31-2007, 11:54 AM   #17
Join Date: Dec 2002
Posts: 3,584
Jennita HB User
Re: I feel like a horrible person

The guilt trip is a powerful thing, it's been used on me too so I know how much impact it has on the mind. But just because someone believes something doesn't make it true. She (and that horrible friend of hers) could believe you are the worst daughter on the planet but would it be true? Well, given that most wouldn't have even considered leaving a job or moving, etc., I'd say you are up on most daughters already just from that alone. So your mother would be grossly incorrect on that issue. So you can't get sucked into that but rather realize you are the only one who's stepped up to the plate and gave it a go; even if it ends up that you leave, you gave it your best shot!

I heard once from a bible reference that people cannot sin without intent. So that leads me to believe that intent is everything!!! You had the intention to care for and help your mom. That is enough in itself no matter what happens from here on.

So glad to hear you had a good talk with her!! Stay firm and she might even learn to respect you as a person with your own set of issues, maybe even realize what you are doing for her one of these days! I'd still keep those balls, you know, in case you need them later.

Happy 2008!

Last edited by Jennita; 12-31-2007 at 11:57 AM.

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