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Am i wrong about my feelings

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Old 05-29-2008, 06:13 AM   #1
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Australia
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bess01 HB User
Am i wrong about my feelings

Well to start things off,my husband was diagnosed with stomach cancer 2 months ago.It has been a verry stressful time for us.
We live in a village for residents over 50 years old.
My problem is that recently the committee has organised bus trips.
2 women that are committee members,AND WHO ARE OUR NEIGHBOURS,come round selling raffle tickets every 2 weeks,raising money for these bus trips.
There has already been 2 bus trips done.
I feel there behaviour is inappropriate and insensitive,being in our circumstances.
I was wondering what others would think about this.
With regards from Joy.

Last edited by bess01; 05-29-2008 at 06:40 AM.

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Old 05-29-2008, 11:48 AM   #2
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Re: Am i wrong about my feelings

Hello Bess,


Sorry to hear about your husband.

I do not think that their intent is to be disrespectful.

They could be among the thought that someone you know(family member,friend) could probably benefit from what they have to offer(gift, etc.).

If you are getting a negative vibe, you could explain to them that now is not the best time for fundraising, for so many reasons.

I think they will get the point.

How are you holding up otherwise?



Old 05-29-2008, 06:15 PM   #3
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Re: Am i wrong about my feelings

Hello Phoenix
Thank you for the response.
I have felt unhappy ever since we heard the terrible news.
My husband and i have been married for 43 years.
I try to remain strong,positive and supportive around my husband all the time,but sometimes i go away by my self and have a good cry.
Some times its hard when you are the sole object,for them, when they let off steam.
Which was why the other day when i went out to do the shopping and left my husband home to take a nap,as he gets tired a lot lately.
Any way this is when the 2 women called in to sell these raffle tickets.
When i got home,this is when he told me about them calling.
I felt angry and responded with (THE PESTS).
He said its alright they did not wake me.
But i took it along a bit more,i suppose i was tired my self, and needed to vent a bit,any way we had a bit of an arguement,and he said if you dont shut up i will knock you down,of course i know he would not do this,but it hurt me just the same, him saying that to me.
I know he must be going through a lot of emotions and health problems dealing with this cancer.
Back about 3 weeks ago i said perhaps there is a cancer support group that you,or we can go to,and he said he does not want to go to any of these groups.
I ask some days how about we go for a drive down to this seaside place we know about, and take a walk along the long pathway there is.
He replied with, i just want to stay at home with you.
Our children live away unfortunately,and i feel if we had them,and our grandchilden around more, things would not be so lonely.
Any way thanks fverry much for caring.
Bye and best wishes from bess.

Old 05-30-2008, 12:51 AM   #4
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Re: Am i wrong about my feelings


I realize that it must be difficult at times, when it comes to being supportive.

Having a good cry every now and then can be very therapeutic in its own rite; it helps release pent up emotions and genuine tears have been known to be good for the soul.

Since it is the two of you, it boils down to realizing that this situation is rough on all concerned.

If he doesn't want to travel for support, maybe he can try registering at; there are so many boards with a wealth of supportive information and advice.

If he doesn't want to leave the house at the moment, then try seeing a movie on television, playing cards, crossword puzzles, etc.

The key here is the quality time spent together.

If you and your children both have computers, might I suggest using a webcam, so that you could speak to and see each other(including grandchildren) at the same time?(just a suggestion)

We are a caring lot here; post as often as you like.

Take care and God Bless.


Old 06-18-2008, 09:10 AM   #5
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Location: Vallejo, CA USA
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nerfmom HB User
Re: Am i wrong about my feelings

I haven't been on the forum for a while and when I saw your posting, I had to answer it.
It is very hard to deal with serious illness and people on the outside don't understand sometimes. Have you thought about putting a note on your door when you leave to go out by yourself to let others know that your husband is resting and please don't disturb? Do you have an answering machine for your phone? Can you turn the ringer on the phone down and just let the machine pick up when you are out? Or if you don't have a machine, can you turn off the ringer on the phone so your husband won't hear it? When I leave my husband alone, he often lets the machine "pick up". I also have a sign that I put on the door.
Best wishes to you and your husband. If you can, it would be really good if you can find someone to be with your husband while you have some time to yourself. Don't feel guilty, you have needs too and it is not selfish to want some time away. Nerfmom

Old 08-29-2008, 09:33 PM   #6
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Grana HB User
Re: Am i wrong about my feelings

Basically I would let them know that their approach, although well intended is painful and that I would appreciate their support but please do not approach me for money during this stressful, emotional time in my life.

Old 09-02-2008, 06:23 AM   #7
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cmpgirl HB User
Re: Am i wrong about my feelings

Bess, (Joy)

Sorry I've been away from some of the boards lately, so I just saw this post and wanted to lend my support and maybe a suggestion (or 2 ).

I agree with the others that you shouldn't beat yourself up over your reaction to the ladies who were soliciting raffle tickets. I know they probably don't really understand what you are going through. (It's hard to truly empathize, if you haven't been through something like this) But, putting a sign on the door, when you go out, or even when you are at home and your husband is resting, is a wonderful idea.

I am concerned that your husband is becoming quite depressed, which is of course, not unexpected. His response to you about the ladies is a pretty clear indication of this. I know you said he doesn't want to go to a support group, but your family doctor or his onclolgist could be an excellent resource for aiding with depression. They can usually prescribe anti-depressants, and it's possible that if it were to come from one of them, a suggestion of therapy or a support group, might sit better with your husband. Sometimes, our loved ones seem to listen better to a doctor or other professional, more than they do to us. I'm not exactly sure why, but it seems to be the case more often than not. Maybe you could speak with one or both of them, privately, and ask them for their opinion.There are probably several support groups that you can attend as a couple. That way, he would know you would be right by his side.

A cancer diagnosis affects both partners in a marriage. And you both deserve all of the support you can get. With the proper medication and possibly therapy, I'm sure he will feel more up to getting out a bit. It is important to not let him isolate himself, for too long. It could cause him to become more withdrawn and depressed and I can't stress enough the importance of good mental health, in the healing process. Our minds are amazing things. The mindset can make a huge difference in how our bodies react to illness.

I hope you aren't offended by my suggestions. I only know, from personal experience, how quickly a cancer patient can become severely depressed. (As can their caregiver) I wish you the very best, and if I can say or do anything to help (within the limitations of cyberspace, that is) please just ask. We are all here to support one another. God Bless you both, CMP/MM

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