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-   -   Family Won't Let Her Speak (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/caregivers/621415-family-wont-let-her-speak.html)

niknak77 08-07-2008 05:16 PM

Re: Family Won't Let Her Speak
 
Life can sure be stressful can't it? If you express how feel to your girlfriend as well as you have expressed it here, your conversation shouldn't be too difficult to have.
I think part of your stress comes from your commute, four hours is a lot of time to spend traveling for work everyday. Especially at your age, when you are young and everyone else seems to be going out and having a great time. I don't blame you for feeling left out, you wouldn't.
Could you get an internship at a job in the field you are in school for? Often times these internships turn into permanent positions or at the very least experience and glowing letters of recommendations. Does your school offer assistence in finding a job at the time of graduation?
As far as your sex life, have you tried arranging a romantic date for the two of you that would allow you some "alone" time? Is your girlfriend the type to wait for you to make the first move and carry things on further than a kiss? Maybe she's waiting to take a cue from you.
I'm sorry to hear that your summer has been such a disappointment. I hope the school year brings better times and more fun for you. In the meantime talk to your girlfriend and see what she feels about it all. As far getting a place in the city, good luck, I know how hard that can be.
Keep on venting and posting, let us know how it all goes when you talk to your girlfriend.:)

plaxmax34 08-07-2008 05:52 PM

Re: Family Won't Let Her Speak
 
[QUOTE=niknak77;3680541]Life can sure be stressful can't it? If you express how feel to your girlfriend as well as you have expressed it here, your conversation shouldn't be too difficult to have.
Could you get an internship at a job in the field you are in school for? Often times these internships turn into permanent positions or at the very least experience and glowing letters of recommendations. Does your school offer assistence in finding a job at the time of graduation?
As far as your sex life, have you tried arranging a romantic date for the two of you that would allow you some "alone" time? Is your girlfriend the type to wait for you to make the first move and carry things on further than a kiss? Maybe she's waiting to take a cue from you.
[/QUOTE]

Thank you for the advice. I have trouble talking to my girlfriend about things sometimes. That's one of the things I don't like about our relationship. I feel like I'm always the one saying, "Can we talk about something?" And in some situations, she just does not want to get into it. For example, after I found out that she had started smoking, we talked about it that night (because she saw how shocked and upset I was, and she was desperate to explain herself). But later that night, I thought of more things I wanted to talk to her about.

The next day, we were together at her cousin's baptism, and while we were driving there, we were alone in my car and I mentioned that I wanted to talk to her about it. She just went, "Ughh, forget it, I won't smoke anymore, ok? Just forget." And I said to her, "No, I want to really talk about it." I was hoping we would get a chance later that day, but we didn't. Then again, she was stressed about the way her mother was treating her and she was not feeling very good that day. And I'm sure she didn't want to get into it right before we were supposed to go to a party with her whole extended family. But she's had that reaction before when I try to talk to her about things in her life, or things that are bothering me in our relationship.

When there are things that are bothering her, I think a lot of times she just holds it in. Like when this problem with her brother first started, she was very upset and shaken for a few days, but she didn't talk to me about any of it, really. We talked a little on the phone, but we weren't able to get together because I had a very, very busy weekend. She wanted to see me and she wanted me to be there for her, to talk about her feelings about her brother, and to take her out to have some fun and take her mind off of it a little bit. Instead of telling me that she wanted to see me and asking if we could get together, she waited until I was at a party with my friends, and after I'd had a few drinks, to call and blow up at me.

I admit, I was a bonehead for not considering what she was going through and for not trying to make plans with her, but I had established weeks before that I would not be free at all that weekend. I ended up making time the following Sunday to see her, and we talked a little and went to see a movie. I just wish she felt more comfortable opening up to me and telling me how she was feeling, instead of holding in her feelings until she can't anymore. I'm a guy and, unfortunately, I can't always take a hint and sometimes I make stupid choices. I'm generally a snesitive and caring guy, but I do make mistakes from time to time.

One of her favorite phrases is, "I'm fine." Like if I find out that something is bothering her, a lot of times she will just stay mad and she doesn't want to talk it through and try to work it out. A perfect example happened back in June. I said something about her brother that upset her, and she hung up on me and wouldn't talk to me for the rest of the night. I tried calling her back a bunch of times and left her a few voicemails explaining myself. The next day, we were together and I tried to apologize. She just said, "Forget it, I'm over it now."

She tries to do this a lot when we have a fight or when we're discussing something in our relationship. I, of course, hate this, and I've told her that plenty of times. I'm an advocate of "never going to bed angry." If one of us is mad at the other, I always feel that we should sit down and talk it out and try to come to a solution together. I like to make sure we can see eye to eye on things, but in situations like this one from June, there was no way to keep the conversation going, and she wanted to just let it drop. Normally, I might have tried to talk about it more, but I knew she would just end up getting upset all over again, and we were hanging out with her family that day, so I didn't think it was wise to upset her.

As for your idea about a romantic date, I think that's a great idea, but we can't do it right now. I am doing an unpaid internship right now, and my parents have basically been supporting me this summer. I have used my own money to do stuff with my girlfriend and my other friends, but it has just about run out. I think I'm down to about $40. Earlier in the summer, I was at work looking up hotel rates in the city, and I found some pretty decent rates right around the 4th of July. Last summer, my girlfriend booked a hotel room for us to stay together for a night after going out for her best friend's birthday. I thought it would be great to try to do this again, but when I suggested it to my girlfriend, she said she would just be way too busy to do that this summer. It would have been very expensive for me, too, but I would have tried to find a way to afford it.

There have been other times, too, when I've tried to make romantic plans for just the two of us, and she's told me, "Oh, I can't, I'm busy that day (or night)." She'll have plans with her sister, or her coworkers, or her best friend from high school. I think it just bothers me that she hasn't made any attempt for us to get romantic together and have any privacy. The only thing she has done was at the beginning of the summer. We went to see that Indiana Jones movie together, and afterwards, she drove me to our "makeout spot", where she, um, performed oral sex on me (something that's only happened twice this summer, and both times she has declined my offer to pleasure her back).

IDK, I just wish our overall communication was better. I wish we talked about sex more. It's like our entire attitude has changed. Hang on, I'll get more into that in my next post.

plaxmax34 08-07-2008 06:25 PM

Re: Family Won't Let Her Speak
 
Last summer, our relationship was very new. We had only started dating at the end of March. When we came home for the summer, we both had to work, but she had a part-time job where she didn't have to work every day of the week, she would get lots of days off. I had a part-time job that was five days a week, but it was right in my town, so it was possible for me to do things after work. And that job didn't even start until July, so I was not working much for the entire first half of the summer.

As is typical of new love, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We would send dirty text messages back and forth. We would send each other naughty photos sometimes. When she was home alone, we would sometimes have phone sex. She was able to come to my house sometimes when my family was gone for the whole day, and we would just make love for hours on end. There was that magical night in the hotel room. We fooled around a lot more at our makeout spot. There were even some occasions where I would pleasure her in the car, while driving her home at night. Once or twice, we had sex in my basement while my parents were home. She took me into an erotic costume store one time. She bought some sexy lingerie. She got Brazilian waxes twice, to try it out and to see what I thought of it. One time, last summer, she wanted me so badly that it was the middle of the night, and she called me up and asked me if I could drive to her house, and take her to our spot, and just make love to her. our love was wild and risky and passionate, and it was amazing. Since she was my first serious girlfriend, and the first person I had ever had sex with, she was absolutely blowing my mind. It was wonderful.

Then we went back to school, and things kept up that way for a few months. But then we started to get busier, and I think she got sick for a little while, and things started to cool off. Then in the winter and the spring, things absolutely died down a lot. We didn't make love on our first Valentine's Day together. We didn't make love on her birthday. We did it on my brithday, but thinking back, I'm wondering if that was like a favor she was doing for me. Or like her brithday present for me. Don't get me wrong, I appreciated it because it had been so long since our last time before that, and it was her who initiated things, which got me even more turned on. But since then (March), I think we've only done it one or two more times.

It's just shocking to me to think how naughty she used to be, and how much more open we were with things last summer. We shared our fantasies. We tried out a few of those fantasies. But now, it's like she never even thinks about it anymore. I can't remember the last time she mentioned anything sexual to me. She never texts me to say how badly she wants me, or how much she wishes we could be together. It's like all the passion is gone.

Do you think that maybe she was just, you know, willing to have sex with me a lot because she thought she needed to do that for me to like her? I've considered it before, but I'm not really sure. She seemed to really enjoy it anytime we got physical last summer, so I just don't know why things have changed.

I guess I can't go into this long thing without mentioning what happened in the Spring. In light of our dying sex life, I decided to say something to her one night. Well, actually, it happened by accident. I tried to initiate something, and she told me she wasn't in the mood. I don't completely remember what was said, but I let her know that I was concerned that she wasn't attracted to me anymore. We talked and she got very upset about it. I tried to keep her talking, instead of letting her just go to bed and telling me the next morning that she was over it. Because I really needed to talk to her about it.

She had been very stressed out, to the point that she was actually physically sick. I knew she hadn't been feeling good, but I thought it was only something that last a week. I thought she had been over it for a while. But she told me that night that she had just felt stressed out and sick for more than a month. I didn't know how detrimental stress could be to a woman's libido (I thought you would want to have sex if you were stressed out, to help relieve some of that stress), and she told me that for the previous month or so, she really had not been in the mood to have sex at all. We continued to talk and we reached an understanding, but I still wasn't sure how to help her relieve her stress or manage it better in the future. And we didn't come up with a solution for our love life.

Now, because of that night, I'm kind of afraid to bring it up anymore. She accused me that night of just "thinking with my penis", but I've realized since then that it's a lot more than that. I should have called her out when she said that. I should have spun it and said, "Is that all sex means to you? Fulfilling our physical needs? Making ourselves feel good?" I want to know what she would have said to that, but I didn't think of it at the time.

Anyway, more on this to come soon.

plaxmax34 08-08-2008 09:55 AM

Re: Family Won't Let Her Speak
 
Sorry, more venting. I started a thread in a different section about cheating, and once I started writing something, I just got totally carried away. I just thought I would post it on here to maybe get some feedback:

Yeah, I kind of figured there's not much one can really do to absolutely prevent it. I guess you just have to have a partner that you trust, and you need to feel like you know them well enough.

Here's my situation: My girlfriend and I have not had sex in a really long time. At first it was because she was stressed out and she was sick for a little while, and her libido was just very low.

My suspicions with her began back in June. She had just started her internship. We were out at a bar, celebrating her sister's birthday, and she was asking her brother what to do about something that happened. She turned to me and said, "Ok, don't freak out about this..." and then she told me and her brother how she had been on an elevator at work with the host of one of the network's shows, and he suddenly pulled her over to him and kissed her on the cheek. She wasn't sure whether or not to tell one of her bosses about him, but then she realized that he does that to everyone just because he's Puerto Rican (I think) and it's apparently a cultural thing. And now we're both almost 100% sure that he's gay.

But at the time, I freaked out a little bit. I got kind of jealous and upset about it. It had happened a few days earlier, and I didn't understand why she didn't tell me about it right away. And I just thought that it wasn't right for him to do it. But then I realized that I'm friends with a girl at school who does that to me and other people all the time, so maybe it really wasn't that big of a deal. Maybe with my friend at school, it's different though, because I've known her for years, but my girlfriend had just met this guy earlier that week. I ended up getting over it, but that was the event that started my suspicions and jealousy of her and her coworkers.

She started getting really close with some of her fellow interns at work. She wouldn't stop talking about this one Latino guy, Joey, from Austin, Texas. At first I didn't feel threatened by him because she told me he was gay (and Iím still pretty sure he is, which makes the rest of this post weird). But all of a sudden, I found my imagination running away with me whenever she was out at the bars with her friends from work. She would tell me about these exclusive VIP parties they were getting into, and how they would go out to different bars and then they would go out dancing. And then after certain nights, she posted photos of herself and her friends on ********. I just started to get jealous because here she is, dressed up nicer than I've seen her in a long time, and she's drinking and dancing with other guys.

And I think because we hadn't had sex in so long, I started to worry. Frankly, I was feeling pretty horny, to put it bluntly, because it had been so long since we'd fooled around together. And it had been so long since I had given her any pleasure, I was worried that she would start feeling desperate and she might be more tempted to cheat on me. As someone on another message board put it, "If she's not getting it from you, she's getting it from someone else."

My jealousy got to its worst point one weekend back in July. She and I had been making plans to hang out on a Saturday. I was excited because my family would be gone for the day, so she and I would have my house to ourselves if we felt like doing anything. But then, on Friday night, she called me to tell me that she couldn't make it. Her brother had tickets to see Bon Jovi in Central Park, and he couldn't use them, so she was going to go to the concert with one of her female coworkers who apparently loves Bon Jovi. I was disappointed but I said that it was ok, and we made plans to hang out on Sunday.

Then, Saturday morning, her friend cancelled on her at the last minute. I told her that I was free, but she said there was no way I could make it in to the city in time for the start of the show, and she wanted to make sure she got a good spot to watch the concert from. She ended up calling Joey and he went with her to see the concert. They got themselves a good spot close to the stage, but they needed to stay there and protect it for a few hours until the concert started. So she said that they just sat there for a few hours and talked a lot. That night, when she finally got home, she called me to tell me how it was. I asked her why she didn't invite me to the concert, and she told me that it was because I had said a few months earlier that I never have fun at concerts. She was right, I had said that, so I had no right to feel bad about not being invited.

Then she put up some pictures of the concert. There was one picture that she took while her and Joey were sitting around holding their spot near the stage. The two of them are lying side by side on a blanket together, smiling up at the camera. There was just something about the photo that bothered me. She looked so happy to be there with him, and it felt like they were just a little bit too close to each other.

But then I realized that I was stupid to suspect her of anything. I had given her no reason to cheat on me. It was not my fault that we weren't having sex. If anything, I had been the one trying harder this summer to get a little privacy and be intimate together. I have always treated her well. I have always loved her and trusted her. Maybe she was getting bored with me, but I didn't think so. And I know there isn't always a logical reason for someone to cheat, but I just didn't believe she would do it. It just didn't make sense. I felt that maybe I was being paranoid, even though my gut was kind of telling me that maybe she could be cheating on me. But still, she had never given me a reason not to trust her.

Until about two weeks ago, when I found out about her smoking. I told her that I thought the worst part was just that she had been hiding it from me, and that I was disappointed in her. I told her that I was concerned that her job would cause her to start doing something that she used to hate so much. Not smoking was, I thought, one of her strongest moral convictions. If she could be swayed on her opinion of smoking just to get ahead at work, what other values would she be willing to sacrifice? This thought, as well as the fact that she had been hiding something from me, really hurt my trust in her.

I asked her if she thought that trust in our relationship was important. She said that it was, of course, and I told her that if we are going to trust each other, then we can't lie or hide things from each other anymore. I told her that if we did that, then our trust would be broken and that would kill our relationship much faster than anything she was afraid to talk to me about. Then I asked her if there were other things, besides smoking, which I made her think she couldn't tell me about. She said no, not really. I'm hoping that I got the point across that if she has been cheating on me, I would like her to tell me about it and be honest, instead of hiding it from me.

I couldn't just accuse her of cheating, because I have no evidence that she has cheated. I had been suspicious earlier in the summer, but that was mostly paranoia and my imagination getting the best of me. Then this smoking thing came up and I realized that she was capable of hiding things from me. Maybe it was because she really didn't see smoking as that much of a big deal, but I don't understand how she could not. She used to be so against it. And something I realized just the other day, a point that I should have brought up when I first caught her smoking, is this. If she was afraid to tell me because of what I would think and because she thought I would break up with her, then why did she think it was ok to do it? Was it ok to do something I don't like as long as I didn't find out about it? Did she think that everything would be alright if she smoked and just managed to hide it from me? Didn't she think that I would eventually find out? I really wish I'd brought this up to her.

The other thing with smoking is that she told me she was just doing it to network with people at work, but then what about when I caught her smoking with Joey? It was a Friday night. And Joey is just an intern. And she talks to him every day at work. Surely, she didn't need to smoke just to talk to him. I suspect that hanging out with Joey this summer, who smokes pretty regularly, she was tempted to start doing it again. Maybe it started off as a way to network, or maybe she was just feeling left out when everyone would go off for a cigarette break. But that seems really immature to me, especially with something that she always claimed to be so against.

I have also at times felt pangs of jealousy when she spends time with her friend Richard. But heís one of her best friends from high school. Theyíve been friends for much longer than Iíve even known her, so I donít know if I have a right to be jealous of him. And I know that I can never tell her if I am jealous of him, because she needs me to feel comfortable with him. If I donít and I get jealous, I think it will be like a ďdeal breakerĒ for her. He is probably the one guy I can never get jealous of, because she never wants to have to lose his friendship. Iíve met the guy a few times, and weíve hung out together. He originally wanted to meet me because he was like the last of her friends and family that had not met me yet. We ended up hitting it off pretty well. We talked about football and he showed us this great bar where drinks were buy one get one free.

I feel like I can trust Richard. He and my girlfriend love to make fun of each other, so they have kind of a playful brother and sister relationship going on. And I still do feel like I can trust my girlfriend, itís just that I sense thereís at least one thing sheís not telling me. Again, there are those communication problems between us. Iím not positive, but I think Richard was interested in my girlfriend at one point. Or she was interested in him. Iím not positive, but they had been friends for a while before that, and I think they just realized that something like that would not work out. Iím not sure if they were ever actually boyfriend and girlfriend. But I donít feel that either of them has any interest in the other anymore.

I obviously am not about to accuse her of cheating. In spite of everything Iíve written above, I still trust her and love her. I donít feel that I have any significant evidence that suggests she has cheated on me. I canít tell my girlfriend that I had been so jealous of some of these other guys. For a while, I wasnít even jealous or suspicious of any particular person, it was just paranoia, I guess.

As I type this, I realize that sheís probably not capable of cheating on me. Her only reasons would be boredom, sexual frustration or temptation, but I donít think she has felt that way this summer. I feel like she would be devastated with grief if she did cheat on me, because our relationship just seems to be so much better than anything sheís ever had with a guy in the past. Of course, maybe sheís just hiding these feelings from me, but she hasnít seemed distant or distracted lately. Her family and friends all like me a lot, and I like to think that if she ever cheated on me, they would look down on her forever for it.

Sometimes I think Iím being stupid and paranoid and ridiculous when I think that my girlfriend could be cheating on me. Other times, my insides go cold and I feel nauseous and my gut tells me that she must be doing something behind my back. That sheís hiding something. I just canít decide how I feel sometimes, so I need to lean on trust and logical thinking about the situation. Itís really terrible that Iíve started to feel this way. I realize that minor things can be blown out of proportion in my mind if I think about them for too long. Jealousy and suspicion could thrive in my head and end up ruining our relationship. But I guess it just goes to show how important sex and open communication are to a relationship.



Ok, that's not all of the post that I made in the other thread, but I cut out some of the information that you already know, like the story of how I caught her smoking that one night.

ICFK1 08-12-2008 08:37 AM

Re: Family Won't Let Her Speak
 
You're dealing in a family dynamic that is way beyond your scope to deal with. Get your girlfriend into Al-Anon or NA-Anon - and let her deal with the issues SHE has about her brother's drug use and her fears for his safety and future.

But her family is wanting to present a united front that nothing is wrong - as it reflects poorly on thier parenting, the options they've provided, etc. That is how the kid reached the point he did having aproblem of this magnitude with nobody calling it for what it is - hey, yuo're a failure by choice, a druggie by choice - so you're outta here.

Again, you're in way over your head.....you are encouraging your girlfriend to do the right thing. But realize that you're encouraging her to do what conflicts with the environment in which she lives - which is going to increase her stress and decrease her physical/mental health.


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