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jc1978 11-26-2008 07:21 AM

Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
Hi all I am currently trying to care my my boyfriend who is diagnosed with bad depression, although he is still quite high functioning at the moment. He works as a clinical psychologist so understands his condition. I have tried to be supportive and have taken him to the doctors for treatment and been supportive. the problem is because of his job he tells me all the things I am not doing to help him and every time I am not doing things to his standard to help him he shouts and get very angry or upset. At the moment I am working full time in a high managerial role and have a ten month old son. I have been trying to be good at my job and be a good mum do everything in the house and then be there for my boyfriend. In the past he has punched me broke my nose and arranged to meet girls on the interent for sex and he says this is all due to his illness. I feel selfish now as I don't feel like I can cope with him anymore. When I don't give him enough attention he says he is going to kill himself and that I will be glad. I do love him so very much but it is having such an effect on the quality of life we have and feel my own mental health could suffer if we don't sort something out. He tells me how bad I make things and I feel like maybe I should leave him and let him try to sort things out himself but then feel so selfish for thinking that. I have no family and all my friends live far away as I moved to be with him. Although he wont let me speak to anyone about it as he feels ashamed about his illness. any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be really helpful as I don't know which way to turn now.

Seraph 11-26-2008 07:39 AM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
First, let me tell you that depression DOES NOT cause someone to punch his girlfriend in the nose! He may be depressed, but he is also violent, abusive and manipulative. I think for your own safety and well-being, and that of your baby, you must remove yourself from him. Go back to your friends. He doesn't want a partner, he wants a nurse/servant. If this is what you want out of the relationship, that is one thing, but I think you deserve more. You are clearly a kind, moral person and I feel he is taking advantage of you. He is using his illness to give himself permission to be a cheating, abusive jerk. You cannot "make him worse", do not fall for that - it is just his way of cracking the whip. Life is too short to waste it on this sort of BS. Sera.

jc1978 11-26-2008 08:01 AM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
Thanks for you reply. I do sometimes feel like he plays on his illness but then feel so bad for thinking that. I feel really stuck. He is not violent anymore to me. I think he scared himself when he broke my nose as my nose eas bleeding for a week and my whole face was black. He still gets angry but is more likely to throw something than be violent to be and he has never done anything to his son he does really dote on him. I feel he is very selfish and I'm not sure if this is the depression. I have needed a winter coat and have not been able to buy one yet but he buys small things that all add up so our money gets eaten up. I also feel very scared that if he did hurt himself everyone would think it was my fault, or that he would tell everyone I left him when he was most vunerable. sorry to rant on here it's just I have nobody else I can speak to about it.

rosequartz 11-26-2008 08:04 AM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
he doesn't need a caregiver......
a caregiver is for someone who is terminally ill....
this man is functioning, functioning well enough to pop you in the nose and break it......
don't be co-dependent......let him meet his own needs, stop trying to take care of him......he doesn't need it, and he doesn't deserve it.....
he's abusive, he's not depressed.......
he's a therapist/psychologist? he should know better.....
this isn't a healthy man and you can't have a healthy relationship with him.....I'd say move on.

ibake&pray 11-26-2008 02:29 PM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
[COLOR="Navy"]Worrying about what he would tell people is an excuse. DOn't fall for it. No man is worth being beaten over. He needs anger management classes. Telling you that you are part of his problem isn't the way a therapist of any value would work. He is using you as an excuse for his problems and the fact that he refuses to deal with them.

You are an enabler by staying with him and letting continue to verbally abuse you and belittle you. Your best bet would be to leave him and make a clean break. Leave so that you could be respected again as a human being. Every time you take care of him it is feeding his "illness" and you are doing exactly what he wants....[/COLOR]

jc1978 11-27-2008 05:19 AM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
I would just like to say thanks for your posts. I went home from last night and became very down and upset as I am just feeling very helpless. He is going back to the doctors today to discuss medication and I am going to book an appointment with a private therapist we used to see together. I really can't shake off the guilt of if I split up with him that I will be responsable if he tries to kill himself. He was punching himself in the head last night while I was trying to get our son to bed. He did this out of frustration and a feeling I was not caring or understanding he says. I do feel like I want a clean break before my own health suffers but am really scared.

rosequartz 11-28-2008 08:33 AM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
punching himself in the head? this guy is mentally unstable and dangerous. I'd consider reporting him to some medical governing board. He should not be counselling anyone or giving advice to anyone. You could also report that he's threatening suicide. They can take him in for that and keep him for observation. I'm guessing it's a manipulation tactic, but this way you'd show him you're not gonna be manipulated, and you may also be helping him. Either way, you have to break from this environment and take your child. This guy is not healthy, and you're not turning your back on him, you're protecting yourself and your child. Please do the right thing.

tfl 03-01-2009 11:23 AM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
get out of there......if not for yourself, for your son.

Gia029 03-04-2009 09:47 PM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
Will he see a doctor and take meds for his deppression? I know my husband probably wanted to leave while I was going through deppression. He went through hell and back with me and really helped me get through this. While in the beginning when I was sick he was mentally abusive with name calling and so on. He would yell out in the driveway, have you taken your meds today??? while of course I had however it took about a month for the meds to get in my system and the first med I was presribed didn't work. It was a long road to travel to get things on an even keel, not easy for me or him.
If your bf refuses to take meds or get medical attention I would suggest that you get out of the situation with him. If you love him you will at least give him the chance to choose to get help...give him an ultimatum if he doesn't you will move on. I suggest you give him the option of making the choice himself but not if he is violent with you again. In that case I would seek emergency help right away. Your child does not need to witness abuse or be subjected to behaviours of a mentally ill person who is refusing to get help. Best of luck to you. Keep you and your child safe. Noone needs to live like that if the person is unwilling to talk about things and get help.

pelar63 03-05-2009 09:48 PM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
I once lived with a man like him and one day he lost it and beat my 18 month old baby and put us in the hospital. My baby daughter almost died and after that i did not really care if this man killed himself or whatever,i had 18 lumps on my head from his fist and no hair left on my head.I really wished him dead so that he couldnt hurt another just never know when they might go off on you.please leave him before something terrible happens.

misty125 04-07-2009 03:04 PM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
JC, get out of that relationship! Don't walk, RUN! It has now been a few months since you first posted here. I can only imagine what must have been going on during that time. You are living with an abuser and a controller. Abusers always blame their victims for their misfortune. If you stay with him, he will revert to his abusive ways. He is dangerous. You must get out for your baby's sake as well as your own.

I've seen it before so many times.

Please protect yourself and your baby,

Trang123 04-07-2009 09:07 PM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
Hi there,

I was married to a man you are describing for 22 years. He is justifying his actions by hiding behind " depression" he is indeed being controlling and manipulative to you and I agree you should, for your own safety and that of your babies, remove yourself from him as soon as possible. He is not going to change. Let him get the help he needs from a professional and maybe in the future you guys can try again. Someone who is depressed does not punch their love one in the nose, that is pure abuse, and maybe even a personality disorder.

Just my view honey

Mildred1260 04-12-2009 06:36 PM

Re: Caring for boyfriend advice please help!!!!
If you are STILL alive.......please flee and don't look back. This guy will only put you 4 feet under or is it 6 feet under?

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