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HATE & RESENT caring for parents

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Old 01-23-2009, 12:51 PM   #1
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HATE & RESENT caring for parents

Hi all, I'm new, I've not been on a forum before so I'm not familiar with the protocal. Basically I'm 36, my dad is 93 (94 in August), my Mum is 74 (75 in June), my beautiful son is 4 and my beautiful daughter is 19 months. She nearly died last April and has 2 serious medical conditions, which, thank God are currently under control. My wonderful husband puts up with everything and loves me as I never dreamed of being loved.
My problem? I hate my parents. I'm an only child and totally responsible for their care & welfare. Dad went blind when I was 12 and sank into a deep depression which changed him from a warm sensitive person into a selfish, self centered monster. Mum didn't let him go to the sessions set up by the social worker to teach him to deal with his disability because she wanted him to let her mind him and basically forced him back to an infant state. He cant and has never learned to even feed, wash or clothe himself. Meanwhile I was left to care for myself, and the bills and all of the practical stuff such as house maintenance etc. Dad has talked constantly about waiting to die and how he does not have long to live for the last 24 years from the day he went blind. When I was younger and became upset and begged him to stop he would do it even more, and say vicious hurtful things to me. I adored my dad as a child because he was the only one who was ever nice to me but I stopped loving him a long time ago now. He is hateful, selfish, abusive and demanding and wants Mum & me to do whatever he asks immediatly regarding of what else is going on.
My Mum, she used to beat me senseless as a child and even sexually abused me a couple of times. I was always terrified of her, and now she is my constant responsibility and worry. She expects me to do everything for her, even down to showering both of them, despite the fact that she should be perfectly capable of showering and dealing with her own personal needs.
My mum doesn't want any of the help available from social services, will not consider a care home for either of them and doesn't like spending a cent.
We spent 100,000 renovating their home last year to make it totally disabled oriented, which necessitated taking out a second mortgage on our own home which we can badly afford, and they wont even use the equipment the way the occupational therapist showed them. They keep falling. I dread the phone ringing. It is always Mum calling with a problem of some sort or other.
I also work in a senior management position 3 days a week. I had to cut down to 3 days when my daughter became ill as she has regular hospital appointments. My parents both also have numerous hospital appointments which mean I actually go in to work for a rest.
I love my husband and children and hate the fact that my parents are ruining what should be a precious time in our life. I know that sounds horribly selfish but I cant take much more. There is lots of help available but Mum wont take it, they expect me to do everything. When I made her take it for a while she got into a terrible row with the caregiver and I've ended up having to make numerous complaints on her behalf. Then when the investigators call to talk about the complaint which I made for her; what does she do? Say it was all blown out of proportion. She told them I have a terrible temper and not to worry.

I do have a terrible temper and I am afraid it will tear my beautiful family apart. I was sexually abused by my Mother and by my parents best friend when I was 10. I had a horrible life with them and I have no choice but to look after them.

Help me, advise me if you can.

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Old 01-23-2009, 01:21 PM   #2
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

sorry for all you're going thru. I'd say it's time for them to move into an assisted living facility, whether they agree to it or not. You have your hands full and can't possibly meet all their needs. It would be best for them and for you. Maybe if you didn't have to care for them and meet all their needs constantly you may lose some of the resentment you have toward them.

Old 01-23-2009, 02:08 PM   #3
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

I too, am so sorry for all that you have on your plate. With your young loving family on one hand, and the overwhelming needs of your parents on the need help! The fact that you have managed your entire life to this point is heroic. I agree with rosequartz, there is help available for them, and they simply must take it. Speak to a social worker about your choice, as they certainly need full time care. I wish you well.

Old 01-23-2009, 02:31 PM   #4
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Thumbs up Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

I agree with the previous posters. Call your local hospital, talk to the social worker and have them come out to evaluate the situation at their home while you are there. They'll certainly see the many issues at hand.
After all you and YOUR family have done to care for them, your "job" caring for them has to stop. You have your own life.
I am sorry your Mother did not allow your father to attend classes for the blind. The schools teach them how to code the hangers for colors, how to dress, clean and cook. A friend of a friend was blinded after a bad surgery and went on to become one of the first blind school teachers in the US.
In this day and age there are many alternatives to care. Them going to an assisted living sounds the best to me.
You need to rest and get control of your life..your children and husband deserve nothing less.

Keep us posted.

Old 01-25-2009, 04:00 AM   #5
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

Thanks folks for your advice. I wish I could make them move into an assisted living facility but Mum says that while she can breathe neither of them will. Had huge row with husband this morning, he says our marriage is falling apart and he is worried about all of the debt we have taken on to pay for their house. We don't even have any claim on the house! Wish I could walk away. Would love to sell our home, pay our debts (unfortunatly it wouldn't cover them now) and move somewhere where no-one knows us and we never had to have contact with them again. Would be a waste of time though; even if it was possible, I already feel guilt every day of my life that I don't do enough for them - the guilt would kill me if I walked away.
Its relentless, and there seems to be no way out.

Old 01-25-2009, 03:13 PM   #6
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

You do not have to answer the phone when your mum calls, you do not have to go over to check on them. After a while your mum might decide an assisted living place would meet their needs.

Old 01-26-2009, 03:12 AM   #7
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

jmtr ... its time to get tough and save yourself and your family

put your foot down, use that temper of yours and dont give your parents a choice ...gather social workers and who ever may be able to help you get your parents into assisted care ...if they still resist... walk away ,take the phone off the hook and dont be available at all...then they will have no choice but to go into assisted care

and when you start to feel guilty, tell yourself its the best for all concerned
especially your own family

you might also see a lawyer concerning your expenditure on their house
and as their only child your claim to it

take care of yourself ,your children & hubby

Old 04-12-2009, 05:49 PM   #8
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

Parents like yours are NOT the norm. I kinda feel sorry for u. I would get the pressure off my family and find assistance help.

Old 04-13-2009, 06:55 AM   #9
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

Your first commitment is to your children and your husband, they are your family now. You owe it to your self and your husband and kids to do this for YOU.

The stress you are under is proof enough that your parents have come to a point in their lives where thy need assisted help, they WILL need it sooner or later so do it now before thing escalate or you lose YOUR family, you are NOT responsible for them, they have made these choices remember they have been adults too. I urge you to find a social worker or someone who can do an assessment. You will only be seen as being pro active regarding their care.

I am an only child too and soon will be dealing with these issues regarding my mother, but I have my own family and young kids too and I need to put them first as they really need me and I really need them!

Best wishes

Old 04-13-2009, 11:33 AM   #10
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

You inable them to live this way.Its time to step back and put the ball in their court. Either your mom can get home help or not. If she doesn't then thats her problem not yours. in time if you do not help she will find she can not do it alone and accept help from outside services.
Its time for you to live your own life save your marriage. think about You and hubby and those preciouse kids..

Old 04-14-2009, 08:28 PM   #11
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

I understand where you are coming from. I cared for my Mom for five years. It got to the point where I no longer could do it any longer. My family was also suffering. You are strectched to thin. If they have the means you need to get home help. We had a company called Excellence Nursing come in. This nursing agency provided both companion and nursing services. We are in Boston. You could call your local council on aging also and find some sort of free help if they do not have the money. You can no longer do this to yourself or your family

Old 04-21-2009, 08:29 AM   #12
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

From an abusive childhood, you have to channel the anger about it towards the right people and that will help you abandon them and move on to a normal life with husband and family.

Your mother abused you and allowed you to be abused -- go ahead and hate her.

Change your phone number! -- abandon them. Neither of them deserve you or your support. Contact a lawyer about the monetary debt. You can declare bankruptcy if you must.

You need to do everything to separate yourself from them.

My mother was my abuser. My father worked nights and didn't really know what was happening or what extent it was -- until I was 27 when she hit me in front of him -- for defending him about something -- that was the last time she truly hit me.

After my marriage while I moved only into an apartment on the other side of their wall and paid them rent, I didn't go over much. I had a life, a marriage, two kids and I was happy. My kids may have run next door a few times per day or per week but as they got older those didn't happen as often.

My mother started having dementia related issues about 10 years ago but it was not that bad. In 2000, sister lost her job and wasn't anxious to find another one too soon and by the time she did, mother got so use to having her around she started having severe panic attacks, etc. and was either sitting their crying or calling me at work to see if I could come home.

My sister chose to be Mom's full-time caregiver. I didn't help. I couldn't. I truly hated the woman for the memories of my childhood and I couldn't stand the level of need she had as she got older through no fault of her own.

While I knew I wouldn't take care of her directly, it didn't mean that I would interfer if someone else was hired to do it. I made sure she was cared for properly and with respect. I also made sure someone treated my sister with respect for her live choices.

Now mother is gone and sister is just sitting there with very little to do. I'm trying to get her to get out and look for work but I don't think she's interested. She will be when whatever money she had runs out but I told her she can't come to me for any because I don't have it.


So do yourself a favor -- abandon your parents. Your mother doesn't deserve anything from you.

Sorry to be so blunt

Old 04-21-2009, 01:11 PM   #13
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

Jmtr ~
Hoping, as you'd written the post. The getting it out ! has eased this overwhelming burden you carrry, a bit. I know, it's not at where you'd like it to be..It's been years of building itself up.
Yet, getting it out ! really must feel good. It's an awesome step ~ You've taken in the direction; for You to tap into a pathway to get You regenerated, re-focused. Learning a new way of approaching and accepting personal limits. To be strengthened in the hope; There is light at the end of this tunnel.
Just, to acknowledge the feelings is an Ahh-Ha moment !. To put out there, Your truths as a person. And the heavy burdens that your carrying.

This 36yr. walk you've been on to get you here. Isn't sustaining you anymore. That journey is ending and you are beginning to be directed to another way of how you do or know things.

The realization, I've done "it" this way for so long and the end result is inner strife. The "it" isn't working anymore. Basicly, your totally working against your personal standards and expectations of yourself.
Sorta like running & hitting a tall, wide brick Wall !! ~ Struggling to hang on to the mortor squished inbetween as we slip ever so slowly to the ground.. brick by brick. (Mortar, being the stuff in life).
The difficulty, in accepting responsibility for the "it" and the knowledge to change the program is a revelation and freeing.

Acknowledgement in the capacity of caregiving that is required at this time, in Your life for parents. Has possibly ~ come to, not being your expertise. This is your limit ~ your boundry. And, It's Wonderfully O.K. ~ That batton (caregiving) has to be passed on. Love, has everything to do with knowing limits and boundries.

I do hope, I've made a bit of since. As unfortantely, I think I'm going through an allergic reaction to a medicine.. Oh, my...

Warm Hugs ~ DB

Old 04-25-2009, 01:36 PM   #14
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

Hi jmtr,
Caught your post. I was horrified. Any loyalty your mother thinks she's owed has been negated by her abuse of you as a child. My mum was an alcoholic for 43yrs before Alzhiemers claimed her. From the age of 9 I was left to fend for my younger bro and sis 3 days a week. I was even electrocuted and survived because she didn't look after us well. My uncle sexually abused me due to her neglect. What I'm saying is that I understand to some extent how you feel. I've learnt that you must just stand up for yourself where she is concerned. Call her bluff. Stay away. Inform the social services of you intentions, teling them your about to "Crack" You must concentrate on you immediate family. You'll only get more bitter if you continue, and when it's over you'll sit back and wish that you had have done it the suggested way. I look afer my mom one week in four. I travel up to edinburgh to do this. By the time i get to the end of my week, i'm at the point of wanting to smother her. She's a veggie now. Every time i change her "nappy", i grit my teeth and wish her dead. At least my family have grown up, because believe me, if they were young like yours, wild horses wouldn't get me up to help. You have a perfectly justified excuse - use it darlin'

sandra xoxo

Old 09-25-2009, 01:04 PM   #15
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Re: HATE & RESENT caring for parents

I admire you for even still being around to tend to their needs given the horrible childhood they provided you. For that you should be commended.

I honestly cannot imagine that I would be as tolerating as you have been in the face of what you've experienced. I suppose I am a heartless sort but I would be washing my hands of them after finding them an appropriate assisted living facility. Most elderly people (never mind with such disabilities present) refuse to go into a facility. Understandably so to lose whatever youth/independence they are still feeling they have, however, you cannot keep running on empty as you have been. It's hard enough being a caregiver for loving parents, let alone having such a bad relationship going into this.

DO NOT ALLOW THEM TO MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY! How can YOU feel guilt that you're not doing enough for them when they aren't doing enough for THEMSELVES first and foremost! They are cutting you no slack, are hideously demanding and intolerable - and they expect you to put up with every last bit of attitude they can throw at you.

I wish you the best of luck and hope you will purse the assisted living option - they've taken enough enjoyment out of your life to give them any more of the happiness you deserve with your husband and children.

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