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mad and uncertain

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Old 04-24-2011, 01:19 PM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Idaho USA
Posts: 2
idsweetie72 HB User
mad and uncertain

My husband and I met 8 years ago- and we were married 4 years ago. In 2009 I noticed some health issues that were worrisome with him. In July of '10 he was diagnosed with Throat Cancer- (he NEVER smoked-no heavy drinking- no tobacco use of any kind.) Because he was self-employeed he wanted to, "finish up all the customers work" before surgery then treatment. (he was a glorified handyman with 50 or so regular customers) He was our main source of income.
So in early September he had a tonsilectomy- with horrid painful side effects. Then in mid October he had his stomach feeding tube inserted- and his pic line. At the end of October he started Chemo and radiation. Radiation 5x a week- 3 rounds of chemo.
We live 100+ miles away from the hospital- so in addition to taking care of our regular household bills- and because he refused to stay in a long-term hotel- we had to rent a little house.
I was his only caregiver- (besides the docs and nurses) I stayed up making sure he took his meds- tube feeding him- and doing whatever he wanted to keep his spirits up. And he is a STUBBORN man. I had to literally argue with him to take his meds- he didn't want to as directed so he ended up in the hospital- 40lbs lighter and extremely ill. Jan 1st we came home- (our real home) for him to begin recovery. And it was still me taking care of everything- doing all the legwork-paperwork-phone calls- for financial assistance because he didn't have any insurance. And getting him to take time to heal was a losing battle.
Plus- in addition to all of this I have a 16 year old son, a daugter who is 15,and a 9 year old daughter as well. And 5 acres with a small farm. And I'm on disability for PTSD and severe chronic lower back pain. I was actually supposed to have surgery inOctober of'10 but of course couldn't because of husbands cancer.
Here's where I get mad- he was overdoing it on trying to complete a closet in our masterbedroom- and ended up squishing the tiny capilaries in his neck around the vertabrea- (he was on warfarin AND shots of levonox because of blood clots that formed in his left arm)- and he ended up getting a 3inch by 1inch blood clot INSIDE his vertabrea that as it grew pushed on his spinal cord. I had to drag him to the ER for them to do an MRI- and they ended up life flighting him-(and I) to Boise where they performed emergency surgery-sawing thru 4 vertabreas- taking the clot out- shaving some of the bone down- then putting him back together with staples- he was in ICU for 4 days- then they moved him to a regular room. Again I was at the hospital- and driving back and forth from home to hospital. After 10 days they released him- told him NO STRAIN on his neck- wear the brace- walk for exercise- and try to eat as much as possible because he still has his stomach tube and they can't remove it until he gains weight. Home we go. We arrived home 2 days ago. Guess what? He didn't listen to the doctors- and now we might end up BACK in the Boise hospital because he reinjured where they did surgery!! I AM ******! It's like all of the work and time that the kids and I put into his health means nothing. And I'm not talking about the medical bills- dear Lord- I have an anxiety attack everytime I open a freakin bill.
I am so upset with him- the past 18months have been hell- I am exhausted- my teenagers (who stayed with my ex while I was away)- are now running amuck. My starter flock of heritage chickens that I hatched myself? All DEAD because I wasn't here and wasn't able to find a reliable (obviously) caretaker for my animals. And he is totally OBLIVIOUS!
My back is torture everyday- my hard work from the past 12 months are dead and buried- and my husband is in lala land about what he needs to do. And I feel GUILTY about being upset with him. I am taking care of him still- getting his meds together- getting his tube feeding stuff together- preparing high calorie- nutricious meals for him- and seperate meals for the kids. I know that what he has gone thru the past 18months have been hell for him- I understand and empathize with him. I was there thru it all. I just feel that he doesn't appreciate my sacrifices that I made in order to be there for him full-time. (and I'm not even going to start with the intimate area of our relationship- there hasn't been any for 18 months- seriously)
Ahhhh-<sigh> I know I must sound self-centered and selfish- and that makes me feel even more horrid- but I am at a loss and really don't know what to do- or how to do it.

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Old 04-26-2011, 02:56 PM   #2
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Re: mad and uncertain


Please know that you are not selfish. In fact, you have done a lot for your hubby. It is so tough. I am sorry he is sick. Will he be able to recover from his illness at this point? Is it going to be chronic? If he is chronically sick and he is always having something wrong, you may need help. If you could, hire a part-time caregiver so you can take a break. Do you have family nearby? Could no one help? Maybe sometimes you can have a friend to help out so you can take a break to relax or do what you have to do in the land and etc. You cannot just do this caregiving full-time since you have kids too.

It is also an economic problem. I hope you can ask for family or friends to help.
I also think he may be trying to help in the house since he is sick. He may want to please you to fix the closet. Also he may need to do some stuff to get his mind off the sickness. It is not easy for him too. I think he may also have trouble dealing with cancer and etc. He can use a cancer support group.
I had cancer 10 years and I am cured. In the beginning I was quite afraid and etc. Now I am Ok. I can imagine it is such a stress for you and the family.
Hope there is family there to help you. If you need to, you can train your teenages to do the farmwork after school.

Take care,

Last edited by ninamarc; 04-26-2011 at 06:09 PM.

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