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Old 09-21-2014, 11:27 PM   #1
Laurieivy
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Feeling overwhelmed

My mom and I have lived close for the past 35 years... I am the youngest of six. In 2011, she broke her hip and arm, then six months later broke her other wrist and cheek bone.. she recovered well from that. She has COPD and CHF...Hospice is coming in 3 days a week for the shower, RN comes twice a week.. they are wonderful. Let me go back a bit.... A year ago last April we decided that mom couldn't live alone anymore.. the high risk of her falling would just be too much... We lost the house filed for Ch 13 and I retired in December. We moved to a single story home so we could care for mom. My life has been caring daily for her with little to no breaks. I feel myself being resentful toward my siblings because they are just not here enough.. I have to call them to tell them to call mom, because she misses talking to them. My husband and I are loosing our connection, because we do not have any alone time.. and I am feeling like I don't have my own life. I have asked my brothers and sisters for help and they say, the can't because they work... I know this was my choice, but I just feel myself being angry and mom feels my anger and she becomes angry back. I am tired.. and sick.. and feel like my marriage is failing because of this arrangement and I don't know how to fix it.

 
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Old 10-23-2014, 04:28 AM   #2
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Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Hi. Im sorry you are going through so much. Hospice is a wonderful service and part of it includes both social workers and volunteers. Another important part of hospice is respite. For up to 5 days, you can put mom in a facility to care for her while the caregiver (you) gets a break..I know that when I needed a break, they were more than happy to send a volunteer over for a few hours. Another time, I had an emergency with my kids and needed to be out of town for 3 nights, we moved my mom into a facility for 4 days... Why dont you inquire of the hospice company and see what is available?
My suggestion to you is if you can get her placed for respite for a few days, you and your husband should either get away or have a staycation and try to reconnect. Respite is available to hospice families every 4 months!

Taking care of a loved one is never easy....and I applaud you for doing what you are doing. We cant change our siblings- but we can remind them that some day they are going to have to look back on this and we hope they arent ashamed or sad about what they didnt do.....thats all we can do. But remember, the most important part of being a caregiver is taking care of yourself. Youre no good to your husband and rest of your family (or mom) if you are in a bad place. Remember to take time out for you.

Call hospice. Inquire about respite. Mom will be fine for 5 days in a facility and its part of hospice. It costs nothing! You sound like you need a break.

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Old 10-23-2014, 09:16 AM   #3
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Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Taking care of an ailing parent is hard just for that reason alone. My sister and I took care of my Mother who had pulmonary fibrosis, we took turns, so not exactly like your situation, but we also have other siblings who did not do much and they regret that now that she is gone, but I can tell you I will never regret one moment spending the last few years taking care of my mom. You need to find a way to take care of you, is there anyone you could trust to come in and take care of your mom while you have some fun? Even some churches have programs that help people in situations like yours, and like the other person said talk to hospice about getting a volunteer or even a senior center might be able to direct you some place that could help, its out there you just have to look and ask. Good luck!

 
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Old 11-22-2014, 08:31 AM   #4
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Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Your situation is difficult and you somehow must consider your caring for your mother a part of your life and your doing it is you. You'll never have any regrets that you weren't there for her. You must also find time to maintain your own health by getting away for exercise and maybe talks with others that can be objective. Do not give up on this role you've chosen, it is only for now and in time it will change and these depressive moments will subside. You've made it this far you can make it the rest of the way.

 
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Old 02-24-2015, 10:32 AM   #5
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Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Thank you for your support! It felt better just to write it all down. I am hanging in there!

 
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Old 02-24-2015, 10:34 AM   #6
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Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Thank you for your support. We have contacted hospice and are getting respite care the end of March to go to Boston for a vacation

 
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Old 05-04-2015, 07:56 PM   #7
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Re: Feeling overwhelmed

I understand 100% the stress you're feeling. I'm my moms caregiver and caring for her has become my life. My marriage ended, my son walked out of my life, I gave up all my social groups, quit my job and left all my friends behind. Mom has a heart condition and copd. She's almost 81. She's 100% sharp mentally, just extremely weak physically (some days are better than others). She won't allow respite or anyone but me to help with her needs and lately her attitude is snappy and uncooperative. I try not to take it personally because when I'm her age I expect I'll be grumpy too. I want to know when I look back in the future that I have no regrets, it's the only way I'll be able to handle the loss. I pray a lot in private. At times I feel I need to talk to a shrink for reassurance because there are times I feel overwhelmed as you describe. It's the toughest job we will ever love and love is what it's all about. I hope you enjoy every moment of your vacation, you deserve it so much for all you do. Sharing tears and good healing ****{vibes}}} and lots of big (((((HUGS)))))!

Luv,
Jerricka

 
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Old 05-04-2015, 08:21 PM   #8
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Re: Feeling overwhelmed

Thank you for your understanding! I'm sorry you are in the same boat. But yes... When we look back there will be no regrets. We did make it to Boston for a week and had her placed in an assisted living, the week did not go well, she was sick the whole time. I told her that wouldn't happen again but I did need some breaks. I saw a commercial on tv for care dot com, I put the post for A caregiver twice a week
For Thursday's and Saturdays, so my husband and I could get away one week end day a week. It has been working well and I'm not so stressed out. It's worth checking out. What I liked about it is I picked 5, interviewed them with my mom and we picked the most compatible person.. You need to figure out time for yourself to reconnect with family and friends... Good luck honey!!! It's been a long road!

Laurie

QUOTE=Coogi;5361184]I understand 100% the stress you're feeling. I'm my moms caregiver and caring for her has become my life. My marriage ended, my son walked out of my life, I gave up all my social groups, quit my job and left all my friends behind. Mom has a heart condition and copd. She's almost 81. She's 100% sharp mentally, just extremely weak physically (some days are better than others). She won't allow respite or anyone but me to help with her needs and lately her attitude is snappy and uncooperative. I try not to take it personally because when I'm her age I expect I'll be grumpy too. I want to know when I look back in the future that I have no regrets, it's the only way I'll be able to handle the loss. I pray a lot in private. At times I feel I need to talk to a shrink for reassurance because there are times I feel overwhelmed as you describe. It's the toughest job we will ever love and love is what it's all about. I hope you enjoy every moment of your vacation, you deserve it so much for all you do. Sharing tears and good healing ****{vibes}}} and lots of big (((((HUGS)))))!

Luv,
Jerricka[/QUOTE]

 
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