I Think I'm Depressed :(

03-19-2006, 04:05 AM

I think I've reached the lowest point in my life. For the past two months I was not talking to my mother. She got me upset for the same reason I'm upset at the moment - about my cp.

It all started last night. My brother's current girlfriend was to come to the house. But for some reason NO ONE told me anything - I was in my sweats up until 30 minutes before she arrived. The way I figured it out was when I heard my brother telling my mother, "she's on her way." So I quickly changed. In the meantime, I have not been talking to my mother - and when we fight, she will not talk AT ALL to me. If the phone rings and it's for me, she'll just throw the cordless my way, or slam the phone down hard so I'll know its for me! And I know I'm wrong too, for not speaking, but she is my mother, she is the one to set the example.

So, when the girl leaves with my bro, I yell at my mother, and say why didn't you tell me she was coming? My mother walked away. Then I exploded!

I told her, don't ever talk to me again, you ruined my life, you never accepted my cp, you made me believe it's a curse, you said I'll never get married and be alone.....and though I can't recall for sure, but through my terrible rage, I think I said, I hate you!!!! And then she replies, "Don't call me ma." I was crushed. She told me then, that "I'm sick & I need help." In the meantime, she never once took responsibility for my feelings, or say, yes I was at fault for thinking that way about you, etc. Nothing. I was a child!! She should have never said those bad things to me!!!

So, last night I just slept 3 hours. These past 2 months, I have not slept well, I've lost weight (I'm 110 at the moment), I've been so stressed about my life how it's become, AT 29 YEARS OLD!!! I feel like it's gone already! I can't believe I'm thinking this way. I am a religious person too, I read my Bible and go to Church - I am terribly embarrassed for thinking this way. I feel God is going to punish me. I said terrible things to my mother! I'm constantly crying and overthinking all the things that went wrong in my life. I feel so alone, even though I know I'm not! When I'm out, I have a smile on my face and people think I'm the happiest person! Not one person has ever criticised me in my life, as a matter of fact they tell my parents how lucky they are to have a daughter like me! People remember me, embrace me, ask how I'm doing, are proud of me, yet the only person who never accepted me IS MY MOTHER.

She always says, you have a problem, why should we hide it?!! HIDE WHAT? WHAT PROBLEM? WHY CAN"T YOU FORGET IT!!!!!!

This is all I wanted to say to her and I said so many terrible things. What's worse, is that my father comes home from work and finds me crying. I tell him the story, and he starts crying too!! He says I cannot believe mother & daughter hate each other!! I felt awful. He agreed and took my side, and then says to my mother, see how you ruined her life with your negativity!! And cries more. My mother was stoic. She said that I never respected her in my life! Now what do I say to this??

I am so scared God will punish me. I'm so tired of lacking sleep that I will not go to church today. I'm just so tired.

I'm tired of repeating these terrible thoughts in my head. I need help. How can I deal with this while not go crazy at the same time? I'm just so tired.

03-19-2006, 09:11 AM

Hope25,
God loves you and knows already how you feel inside and, believe it or not, He understands. He is not going to punish you, but wants to lift you up.

I feel for you, my mom was and still is like your mom and I don't even have CP or anything. It's her who has a major problem. Still she was ruining my life and I only started to feel better when I moved out.

Just wanted to let you know that there are people who care and understand. Will be praying for you.

Syrinx

03-19-2006, 08:23 PM

Hope,
If i were you i would try to find a professional who you can talk to, but dont go alone, ask your Mom to go with you. I think if you let each other know how you feel without yelling and crying, etc in front of a neutral person may help you both.
I have a feeling that your Mom is hurting inside as well as you do. She is just showing it in the wrong way.
Hope you feel better soon.
Oh, and about G-d punishing you??!?! who are you kidding?
good luck

03-20-2006, 11:20 AM

Two words: move out. I'm all sure you're capable enough of living on your own.

Nobody's punishing you. Except that you're punishing yourself with those negative thoughts.

03-20-2006, 12:29 PM

hope,
i agree with the rest of the posts. you really should talk to a therapist(with and without your mother) to resolve your problems. getting your feelings out with a neutral third party will work wonders for you at least, if not for the both of you. try to forgive your mother for the hurt she has caused you, and don't do evil for evil.

your mother will hopefully come to terms with your cp, but even if she never does, you have to find a way to cope/deal with it. accept that as her problem, not yours...and decide to work on you. the only person you can change is hope. once you are determined to better yourself, ignoring her will be much easier(assuming she chooses not to change).

i think moving out(if at all possible) is a good idea to explore as well...living on your own/away from parents gives so much freedom and autonomy. distance might allow the two of you to have a better relationship, too--it worked for me! hth.*hugs*

03-20-2006, 07:54 PM

Thank you all...I feel so embarrassed because I'm very redundant with this issue. That day I hit rock bottom, and maybe I had to in order to pick myself up.

Well, nothing has immediately changed. But, I was told she has enourmous guilt, and feels she has wronged me. I'm talking about my mother. Though she has not said this to my face yet, and that is what I need from her. To apologize to my face.

I cannot move out! It is not what is considered right. We are family oriented people. And being a young woman (unmarried), we don't do it.

I think I'm starting to feel better. I know my family will help me get through it. But it needs to begin with me.

Self Esteem
Self Confiedence
Overcoming Shyness
Believe in myself
Learn To Drive
Get A Job.

These are the things I must work on. I lack all these things, esp the first 4 that I've mentioned.

First thing I have to do is receive Holy Communion in Church. You know, I haven't done this for a while because you have to walk down the aisle after you receive Holy Communion, and all the people are just there, staring! I tense up completely. I need to take the step, though.

Then I have to lose the breathy voice. When I get nervous, I can't speak as a result. Another hurdle to overcome.

In all, I have my work ahead of me. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. I'll do the same for you.

I am just so tired at the moment, I haven't slept well in weeks. Off to bed I go. I need to believe that we all have a purpose in life, and I do as well. It takes positive thinking and healthy thinking.

Goodnight for now.

03-21-2006, 07:19 AM

I believe in you, Hope25.

04-08-2006, 09:38 AM

Hope,

Im 34 have CP and live in NJ. My suggestion to you would be a couple of things. NJ has a strong disability community, and a stronger CP community. I would suggest that you endeavor to meet other people with CP who are doing the things that you want to do. You can perhaps find a mentor to talk through some of your issues. Perhaps you do need some professional treatment for depression, but this is notg because there is anything wrong with you. Therapy can help you get some perspective on the things that are bothering you and help you develop some ways to cope. Lastly, dear Hope remember that you are not the first daughter to have issues with mom.. Yours just happen to be related to your CP. Honelstly, that is not going to change, and unfortunately we cant pick our parents. so i would suggest you work on what you want your life to be and cut the rest loose before it pulls u down.

I'd be happy to be the first on a long list of new friends.

NJCrip

04-10-2006, 09:19 PM

[First thing I have to do is receive Holy Communion in Church. You know, I haven't done this for a while because you have to walk down the aisle after you receive Holy Communion, and all the people are just there, staring! I tense up completely. I need to take the step, though.

Hope~

At my church the pastor brings Communion to my seat if I can't get up.
But if you can get into the line then I say get in that line and be PROUD of who you are. Remember GOD "crafted you with HIS own Hands"

He Loves you. Always has. Always will.

If people stare at you, just smile and keep walking.

The other day I was in the mall and i saw a little girl who had a walker. When she saw me she got this big smile on her face. I know she realised we had something in common. Her mother whispered "She's looking at him because he has crutches" The little girl just kept looking and smiling.

That's another reason to be proud of who you/we are. To give little kids with disabilities hope.

So I say be come next Sunday which is Easter, you walk down that aisle with your head held high. You are Hope after all.

God Loves You.

Hope this Helps

StixForLife

04-11-2006, 12:56 PM

I hate to say this Hope, but sometimes you have to let go of all negativity in your life in order to succeed. This includes all people, including your mom. If she can't see pass your CP then it's hard for me to imagine how anybody else could. Relatives are supposed to be the backbone of each other, disabled or not. If they bring us down, it hurts more because they should be understanding to our situations because they see what we go through on a every basis. In the case of your mom, I think you should try talking to her in a resonable calm way but let her know what you are saying is important to you and should listen attentively. She can't respect you enough to care about the way you feel and your thoughts, then it might be good idea to put some space between you two, if only for a little while. Sometimes it takes a little space to clear the mind and really focus on what's important.

You don't needed added stress. Living is complicated enough without living in a house with people that don't even attempt to understand or listen to your thoughts. In the home there should be a support system, not people that break you down.

I had to go through some issues alone for awhile because my mom wasn't understanding. I stopped the usual conversations I had with her for awhile and tried to focus more attention on myself. Now years later, I'm more mature, independant and have a better outlook on life because of it. Me and my mom also now have a good relationship. You would be surprise how different methods can work for you. But negativity in the house is just going to make things worse for you and no one needs that.

04-11-2006, 05:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by stixforlife

[First thing I have to do is receive Holy Communion in Church. You know, I haven't done this for a while because you have to walk down the aisle after you receive Holy Communion, and all the people are just there, staring! I tense up completely. I need to take the step, though.

Hope~

At my church the pastor brings Communion to my seat if I can't get up.
But if you can get into the line then I say get in that line and be PROUD of who you are. Remember GOD "crafted you with HIS own Hands"

He Loves you. Always has. Always will.

If people stare at you, just smile and keep walking.

The other day I was in the mall and i saw a little girl who had a walker. When she saw me she got this big smile on her face. I know she realised we had something in common. Her mother whispered "She's looking at him because he has crutches" The little girl just kept looking and smiling.

That's another reason to be proud of who you/we are. To give little kids with disabilities hope.

So I say be come next Sunday which is Easter, you walk down that aisle with your head held high. You are Hope after all.

God Loves You.

Hope this Helps

StixForLife

Hi Stix,

Thank you so much for these wonderful encouraging words. You know, I've seen my priest give out Holy Communion at the end of the service to some people, but as you said, if I'm able to stand in line then I should be able to walk down the aisle. Having said this, I will do my best to remain committed to this goal. (By the way, my Easter is next Sunday, as I am Eastern Orthodox, not Catholic.)

Thank you all for your encouraging words. I have not yet talked to my mother, we are still in silence, however I am reading books on self-esteem and I'm looking to get a job in the next coming weeks. My goal is just to be out of the house and not be cooped up in a room, alone, where all I'll do is re-think negative thoughts.

Happy, Healthy Easter to those who celebrate! May Christ, who rose from the dead, bring us eternal salvation through His Faith. Amen.

04-23-2006, 07:41 PM

Just wanted to add that last night, at midnight Easter Services, I received Holy Communion. I'm Christian Orthdox - Easter is a week after the Catholic one.

Anyway, I think it went well. I felt sure of myse;lf, walking down the ailse (that was my problem.) I didn't take any med, partly b/c the ones I have are about 4 years old so I felt unsure about taking them. But what I did was, I took my purse and placed it over my shoulder and sort of clenched or bent my right arm torward my chest to make it seeem that I was holding my purse. I did that b/c my right hand tenses and I did not want it to look tense.

But my one issue was that when I was walking down the aisle I was shallow-breathing, which I could not help. I guess that is social phobia for you. Upon sitting, I took 3 or 4 shallow breaths, which unfortunately caught the stares of my mother. I tell her, whhat are you looking at? Yet, as always, she didn't respond. But her stare said "Why were you shallow breathing?" So to speak. I ignored her.

In any case, it was a very big step, one that I managed "almost" as well as I would have wanted to. I felt happy.

I'm reading a book on self-esteem/self confidence. It tells me a lot, but still very hard for me to put into practice.

I'm apply for a job next week (which I believe is second on my list

), so I have to read the book carefully and apply it to any current situation that troubles me.

Thank you all for the advice and faith. It helped!

04-23-2006, 11:16 PM

Congratulations! Very nice to hear that things went well.

It's important to get rid of unnecessary perfectionism, and learn to be happy with those "almosts". Besides, my guess is that nobody else noticed anything unusual in your performance.

That purse thing was a good idea. I sometimes use similar methods, too. Of course, don't keep your arm bent most of the time, that can cause contractures.

04-24-2006, 01:25 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Strawberry1

Besides, my guess is that nobody else noticed anything unusual in your performance.

That purse thing was a good idea. I sometimes use similar methods, too. Of course, don't keep your arm bent most of the time, that can cause contractures.

Thanks for the encouragement! Yes, I think you're right - I don't think anyone noticed anything "unusual." But that shallowing breathing was tough to control. It seems I can't during such times. I was breathing through my nose and not like I was panting. But they were quick breaths though. Not noticible, I think.

No, I don't keep my arm bent at all. I really wanted to keep it at my side, however it is still hard to relax it during such "discomforting" occasions.

04-26-2006, 01:28 PM

Hope25,

Congratulations on the steps you're taking - literally - to live the full life you deserve. I'm sure you'll find strength in your faith to continue to make progress.

I respect that your family does not want you living alone as a single woman, but are there other ways for you to get some distance? Is there a basement or garage you can move in to, anyplace with a separate entrance that will help you feel more independent and separate from your mother? Are there other young unmarried women in your church community? Maybe you can find a roommate situation in the community so you and your parents are still repecting your traditions without limiting your life so much. Also, frankly, you are an adult and your parent's should trust that you will live alone as you do under their roof - in full accord with your beliefs.

My mother rejected me in my twenties (non-disability related) and it was devestating. I was suicidal. But eventually we both realized we needed each other - and we needed to repect that we are separate people living separate lives. It was very painful and took a long time to heal, but now we are closer than ever. After living 3,000 miles away from my parents for 13 years I recently moved back to my home town and bought and apt. in the building next to theirs. I could NEVER have imagined doing that when I was your age (I'm 40 now). But without some separation, we would never have come together again. Every child needs to separate from their parents emotionally to become an adult and living with your mother is making it nearly impossible for you to achieve that healthy emotional separation.

If living in the same physical space as your mother is making your relationship worse, then the best thing you can do is get some separation. You won't be able to forgive each other and build the relationship you'd like to have until you are no longer hurting each other in the present, and it really sounds like living together the way you are is making things worse. You don't have to break tradition, just bend it a little.

I Think I'm Depressed :(

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