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Stress Level 99

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Old 10-19-2013, 10:24 AM   #1
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Stress Level 99

5 years ago we got custody of my step-son J. He always had issues (I've been with Hubby for 8 yrs, married for 7) but rather than getting better they seem to intensify.

Background: Met J when he was 5 yrs old. He was in Kinder at the time and would throw pencils around the classroom, wasn't fully potty trained (day or night), get under desks, bark (literally) at teachers, had complete disrespect for any authority figures, threw extreme temper tantrums and hurt himself as well as others. Bio-mom got numerous requests from the school to have him tested, mom ignored them all. Finally hubby called the school because he found out J had gotten kicked off the bus. (Entire time mom was telling hubby how well J was doing in school). School informed him of the issues and asked if he was barred in any way from making decisions concerning J's education, etc. When we told them he had Joint Custody they asked HIM to write a letter to req. an eval by the Child Study Team. Which he did. After they tested J they came to the conclusion that he DX should be Emotionally Disturbed. Hubby and J's Maternal Grandfather didn't agree with the DX. J's maternal Grandfather (B) was a Superintendent of Schools in the area a dozen or so years prior and offered to help them get a 2nd (independent) test done. This would require BOTH parents' signatures. Bio-mom got mad at B for some reason or another and refused to sign the request form so this DX followed him for another 3 years!

In 2008 bio-mom cheated on hubby #2 and met some guy online. She decided she was moving to LA and wanted to take the kids. Hubby said "Over my dead body". New man told her that if she fought hubby in court the courts would side with him and make her leave the kids behind. Gave her an ultimatum that if she wasn't in LA by the end of Oct their relationship was over. 2 days later she signed over custody and was gone by Oct 2nd 2008.

This further messed up J's head. He was always treated worse than his sisters and knew he was not liked at bio-mom's house.

As soon as we had legal custody papers from the courts we got the kids on health insurance and started challenging the original DX.

Took until J was 11 to get even close to what we consider an accurate dx (or dx's in this case)

DX's: Global Developmental Delays, Receptive/Expressive Language Disorder, Pragmatic Language Disorder, Cognitive Impairment, ADHD & Nighttime Enuresis.

One test put him in the ASD range while another test did not so they refuse to dx with ASD. His IQ is 65 and puts him in the range of what they called "Mildly Retarted".

We've done everything we can think of.

Reward systems, punishment, commando parenting, in-home counseling, behavioral specialist, out-patient programs for behavioral issues, etc. We even got him into the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program and his Big was a former cop!

In-home counseling and the in-home behavioral specialist DID help. However they are only in-home for 8 weeks at a time (they can get an extention and have) and as soon as he would show improvement they would pull these people out. Then things would get worse. Out-patient counselors claimed they could not help him due to the extent of his disabilities. Said he needed specialized counseling but had no suggestions where we could get that for him or what type he would even need. Once we were told a child play therapist would help, but again no one knows of one, or how to start the process to get one!

I will say that I FEEL that a lot of these issues would be better if A. bio-mom cared (which isn't going to happen) and B. if hubby would be consistant (again not going to happen).

I get so aggrivated but at the same time realize that the adults in his life failed him and it's as much their fault (if not more their fault) as it is the disabilities!

Sorry, long rant and not sure if there is even a question anywhere in there just have no one to talk to as (again) bio-mom could care less and Hubby just makes excuses for the behavior rather than correcting or taking any advice/guidance the couselors give!

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Old 10-30-2013, 07:28 PM   #2
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Re: Stress Level 99

It is frustrating when the people who birth a child drop the ball. Thank goodness he has your family, if a loving environment is provided consistently then hopefully he will improve. Don't give up on him! I've found that when dealing with children who have special needs that someone in the family often has to be the one who takes on the role of therapist, and figure out how to do whatever the child needs. It's good to get other people involved so you have a support system and don't burn out,so that's great he has other people in his life even if he doesn't always respond to them. Having so many different people care about him ultimately will make a difference even if you can't see it now.

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