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    Old 03-08-2010, 05:08 PM   #1
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    Exclamation Sexually aggressive child?

    At my mother's group, we had a really interested situation from a member who rarely had anything to say about her child.

    This time, all hell broke loose. Mom says that:

    1.Child has exhibited sexual behaviour since he was 2 and it has only increased. He's now 10.
    2. Child was caught 'dry humping' another child when he was 7 in what would be considered a 'doggy style' sort of behaviour.
    3. Other female adults have told the mother that her child opportunistically will develop a reason to hug them and then touch their breasts. I asked how often this has occurred and the mother said it's never happened twice with any woman to her knowledge.
    4. The child creates male genitalia out of play dough at school.
    5. The child seems to rebel against female teachers he does not find attractive.
    6. He doesn't listen to rules. He acts out in class and has absolutely no regard for his peers or teachers and uses foul language without a second thought.
    7. The mother was told that he has flashed other children when adults weren't looking.


    Let's just say the reaction from other mothers was deep concern...even anger. A few mothers said they had to leave while others were definitely looking at her a bit funny after her disclosure. I kept my mouth shut and looked at her funny after that though. I think I wanted to know how you see such an issue for 8 years of a child's life and only now wonder why he does it?

    I don't think those attitudes helped her much though.


    I have no idea where to begin with the mother on this issue. Quite frankly, I have never encountered such a situation and can't seem to get passed the whole "your kid's a perve... he needs a shrink". I know it's not helpful but I'm wondering why alarms are going off in my head and not so much the mother's.

    From what I gather, the child has some impulse control issues and a dangerous attitude as well. What happens to little boys who are sexually aggressive, have no sense of regard for others???

    What might be going on here? What can I suggest? What can I do? What kind of specialist might she want to contact?

     
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    Old 03-08-2010, 10:37 PM   #2
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    Re: Sexually aggressive child?

    Wow...

    I have a few questions if you don't mind...

    What is the nature of this mothers group? Under what circumstance did this woman reveal this information...how long has her child been involved in the group, and has his behavior been noticed by the group? Do the children go to the same school? How often do you meet and for what activities? Do you think this woman was asking for help, or venting, or warning you...Very troubling!

    When is the next time you get together? I can't stop thinking of questions! What a weird scenario. I am speechless, and that rarely happens!

     
    Old 03-10-2010, 04:54 AM   #3
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    Re: Sexually aggressive child?

    Hi,


    The mother's group is a casual hang out we have...a network of mothers. We don't advertise the group or anything but do invite mothers we meet from time to time that might benefit from such a group. It started with a couple of moms meeting every once in a while who had questions that neither of them could answer, so the idea was that more moms would mean more information which means more support.

    I don't think any of the moms have ever met the child personally. Children are welcomed to attend but this particular member has never brought her child. She has been attending for about five months now.

    We don't know where this mother lives.
    I think this mother is asking for help, sending a warning and trying to do it in a 'by-the way' sort of manner that is probably adding to the animosity other mothers are feeling towards her.

    We meet twice a month.

     
    Old 03-10-2010, 07:48 AM   #4
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    Re: Sexually aggressive child?

    I'm so glad the kids aren't involved!

    Thanks for the additional details...I still have to say WOW. So, the impression you got is that this woman is just now wondering what to do? No intervention so far? With that kind of behavior, I would expect that the school system has kicked in...10 years old? This child is in big trouble, obviously. The first stop would be at the pediatrician, who would then refer the boy to a child psychologist, specializing in sexual aggression.

    Children acting out sexually is often a sign of exposure to sexually explicit activities, possibly molestation, and is nothing to sweep under the rug.
    Are the other mother mad, or what is the sentiment? I imagine it was very difficult for the mother to share this, do you think she has been attending the group to get this out, but it has taken her this long to speak about it?

    Either way, this child and his mother need help, and it is help that can only come from a specially trained professional. I sure hope she gets the help she needs for her son. Do you think she will be back next time? And the other women who walked out?

     
    Old 03-10-2010, 10:29 AM   #5
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    Re: Sexually aggressive child?

    big ditto on what WL just told you here. one big thing you can do for this woman and her child is to simply make a call to what is almost aways in your own county as some type of sexual assualt sevices advocacy program(what we did and what most programs just offer goes WAYY beyond 'just' advocacy)? these are advocates for any person who has been sex assaulted no matter how long ago it was and also a really great way to get that child into the very best hands possible to really obtain what WL mentioned above as well? when i worked for our counties SAS and domestic violence sevices, we had a huge book of ALL the right referrals to the very best person to help whatever that in "need' person on the other end of that phone line needed. this child also just HAS to at some point also be evaled for ANY and i mean ANY signs of him being sexually assaulted too. this is just an area where "someone' within the SAS has to get involved here, even if it is you giving and getting the info, that connection really has to be made by someone to them. if there just is ANY real potential for this having happened or god forbid is still happening to this child, immediate intervention would be needed(sas can tell you just how to go about getting needed info without setting off a nightmare). and this IS something the SAS people will be able to truely help you with here and give guidance and direction? which is what it appears you are really needeing right now? once they know about this, 'they" will take over any bigger responsibilitys here so its not ON you alone? a good advocate can truely be a lifesaver for many.

    this type of VERY explicit behavior can usually only come from two places really. he has either witnessed it over and over when possibly the mom is in a living situation that is highly abusive too(just something to consider) or it has been done and could still be going on to him right now(it has to have either been SEEN or DONE in some shape or form). any anger AND real rage that these abused children will display is more directed at that childs abuser and that is also why they can be very hghly controlling in any given situation as they try to regain 'their' loss of power and control that gets taken from them everytime the abuse occurs. they also, if abused but in more of an ongoing or repeated way, tend to drown out any real emotion as a protective compensatory mechanism to keep the deep 'hurt' and feelings that they just cannot handle or understand away? you know what i mean? this is just how they have learned to live with this and also cope in getting thru it at all?

    just from what you have already stated about this woman, the mere fact that she shared THIS level of true info with anyone at all tells me that she is just HIGHLY desperate(can you imagine the real fear and courage revealing THAT to a group of other 'moms' actually took?) for any type of real help here. if i were you right now,please do NOT allow yourself or the others to push her away right now,thia may be the ONLY chance at a real 'normal' happeneiong here,espescially for that childa and you have to act on it now before she decided not to come? pull her closer to you if you possibly can and just tell her that you are very concerend about what she said for HER and her son and want to try and help her but she needs to reveal a bit more detail? or simply call the local county SAS where anyone can remain annonymous if needed, and ask THEM what your very next stps should be here since every county is different. but just look at the very front of your local phonebook where the standard 'help' numbers are usually listed FOR your area and see what is there about sas type advocacy or help. thwere just should be something within your local area that does offer this type of help/sevice for any victims of family too. that will be your best guide thru this. but that woman simply NEEDS someone to give a crap about her and her situation since this also heavily involves a child. i do think she may have herself been sexually assaulted too at some point as well and that type of trauma usually is the reason she may not have been ABLE emotionally or mentally to even see realistically what her sons abuse may ahve been or even what to do as far as what she was seeing as his insane levels of behavior. if she is depressed, it will impact EVERYTHING including having to deal with things that are just soo over the top overwhelming.

    just DO, for that childs sake and hers, really find out of she is actually living right now in a abusive situation since THAT can be helped and intervened upon ASAP. she CAN go someplace safe ,under constant protection while she gets the help she needs as well as her son. but don't turn away for her plea for help. that IS exactly what that was there that day, or trust me, she would NOT have mentioned ANY of what she did to you or the other women(some who just LOVE to judge 'other' moms?) there that day. just making some calls will help YOU in giving her the best advice and help for her. good luck and please do keep us posted. Marcia
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    Old 03-19-2010, 10:18 AM   #6
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    Re: Sexually aggressive child?

    Thanks for all of the feedback.

    I'm not in the U.S. but I think I understand what kind of authorities you are referring to.

    Btw, the mother doesn't have a partner or anything but does live with an older female family member. The three of them are all relatives. That doesn't mean that the child hasn't been exposed to things though.

    As far as I understand, the school is not equipped to deal with the situation. They are implementing all kind of positive reinforcement that I don't think will work. Actually, for the child, I think it sends the wrong message: They're teaching him that if he does what he is supposed to do, he will get something. That's not reality. We are not rewarded for things we do because other people tell us to. He will get older and figure this out and the behaviour and thinking behind it will still be there.

    The mother is avoiding me now. I think my silence in particular has sent her a message that I am judging her. It's a serious problem and my silence might just be reinforcing this truth.

    I am prepared to do my own homework and make whatever professional connections that may be out there, available to the mom. At this point, I don't want to scare her off either.

    I will try to reach her again soon so that I can tell her straight up what I think about situation and that I will do everything I can to help her son and support her. I have to be honest though about how serious this issue is and the implications for other people the child may come into contact with.

     
    Old 03-23-2010, 09:43 AM   #7
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    Re: Sexually aggressive child?

    sorry i haven't been able to get back here sooner. it sounds like you DO very much understand the overall situation and i am so glad you are really trying for her and the childs sake too. there just is "something' that happened here to that child or that behavior simply would NOT even be there? he unfortunetly is showing all the more red flag signs of having been sexually assaulted at some point, or maybe saw his mom go thru this? but there definitely IS a big issue there that you CAN help with by doing what you are doing. but the very first and most important thing here is for you to simply gain her trust in YOU before anything will get found out? she has to be able to feel she can trust you and you not making her feel judged. and yes, i do think remaining silent around her may be doing this. people read signals, body language? so she may be 'feeling' that. try and think up totally unrelated things you just can go to her and talk about, just to let her know you are not giving her the silent treatment? she will be more likely to open up to you that way. its kind of 'easing' your way into her confidence?

    just gaining her trust to even a smaller degree here first is what is going to allow her to let you in further? it IS kind of a "process" as you are probably seeing with her? if 'she' has actually been either sexually or physically abused in any way shape of form you KNOW she will most certainly have her guard up, they tend to build a wall around themselves to protect themselves kind of thing? they just become highly vulnerable to abuse again if they have been and never really worked it out by seeing someone who can help them? its just the way any human being would respond in that type of situation, but it can play out in many different ways depending on a persons overall coping ability and if they actually have ANY real support too.

    have you checked around to see if there just IS any types of real services like i mentioned in the other post? just getting hooked up at all with the right people to help guide YOU thru this would be priceless for you and her right now. once you actually find out a bit more,they can help you to get HER to the appropriate 'help' whatever that entails for her and the childs specific situations?

    trust me hon, when you can help even one woman really seriously get 'her' back into a normal life and with that child being somehow "abused' (that can be/mean many things here)and involved as well, you have done the most wonderful and amazing thing you can for another woman. and getting that child the appropriate types of help is going to give him that more normal life, and get rid of that inner rage and dissassociative behaviors that will restore true and solid normal emotion and not the inner crap he needs to get out to someone he can learn to trust again.

    every single one of us as children just simply 'trust' automatically and that goes and goes til that real trust can become broken. thats when the childs behavior starts to show itself. when you cannot trust anyone, you will push people away with behaviors like he is showing right now? someone broke his 'trust" in something/someone very badly and that is crucial for him to feel what trusting people again actually feels like? once you can simply trust again, (it could be him simply not trusting his mom or something totally different but someone DID take that away?)that is when the more 'normal' begins to happen again for him.

    i do hope that you can stick with her and help both of them get back on the right track here with helping them to both really trust again. you were ment to see and meet this woman hon and help her(because you are who you are, a very caring person). i totally believe just given everything i have been thru in my life, and my sons and others around me, and what i saw play out in certain ways over my lifetime that certain things are just truely 'ment' to happen the way they do for very specific reasons. people will cross each others paths becasue it is kind of 'supposed to" happen kind of thing? this is an opportunity for all of you here to really understand the inner side of what it means to be human and how we respond to situations and what we can actually do for each other when we simply take the time to really truely care? we all have within us the ability to help and to change another persons life in a very positive way, always. its realizing that and diving into a situation that really CAN turn something pretty bad into a really huge positive for our fellow human beings in this world. and all we have to do is simply give a dam.

    you are trying to do a really great thing here and i do hope you can get her the right types of help, for her and her sons sake. you will be truely amazed at what YOU will feel after you have accomplished this one really huge thing for another. it changes you, and brings a whole new perspective on things for you along with it, trust me. this IS how we grow as human beings when we sometimes have to even force ourselves to just 'do' the right things for another person? there IS a huge "payoff" for us at the end. please keep me posted on how things are going. i WILL get back here much sooner this time, i promise.lol. marcia
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