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    Old 03-17-2008, 08:09 PM   #1
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    Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Hi there everyone

    Well I called the PM this morning and they had a cancelation so they had me come in. It is a 26 mile drive up the mountain one way, after that and dropping of the prescriptions I was pretty flarred.

    My PM at firt suggested that I try and make it to Friday and he would make some adjustments to the meds then and after examining me he decided to just do the medication adjustments today.

    He adding in a 3rd dose of the Morphine sulfate so now I am taking 30 mg's every 8 hours. He also upped the BT percocet (10/325) form 4 tablets a day to 5 even though I said that it sometimes seems like it does not help. I really hate taking all this medication because I know what comes later when your better and no longer need them. I will deal with that later. At this time I feel worse.

    We talked about the PT and he said to stop and if I wanted to do something it need to be more like massage therapy. I do have the card of someone who does it and she is licienced and associated with my Chiro's office.

    He said he will see me on Friday for the Facet Block. We really are hoping that htis helps.

    I am so disappointed that I am not feeling any better at all from the surgery that I had in Jan. I actually feel worse and continue to feel like I am getting worse. I expressed to my PM that I felt that my quality of life was becoming limitted because I try to avoid things that cause me pain.

    You know I am starting to feel the saddness again. The grieving of the loss of ability to do things I love and should be enjoying.

    All I did today was drive to the PM go to the pharmacy and drop off the prescriptions and get a few vegies and some fuit in the same store. I came home washed some dishes took a very short walk of about 15 minutes then went to another store and picked up a few more items, I really do not think that is alot of activity.

    You guys I want my life back!!! I want to be able to go out with friends to dinner and not pay dearly while I am out. I want to be able to drive a short ways and not pay the price. I would like to be able to do my errands without it causeing me great pain.

    I will now have to stay home and rest tomorrow because I think even though I did not do much, I still over did it.

    So sad. I am just trying to get to the place where I can support myself again and feel independent and good about being accountable at a job.

    Sometimes I just want the madness to end.

    I know that God takes care of me but that still does not help the saddness. I know I will be ok, but right now I feel a huge loss and much uncertainty.


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    Old 03-17-2008, 08:35 PM   #2
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Hang in there, sweetie, I know how you feel, it is so hard to come to terms with not being able to do all the things you love.


    LOL I know its kind of silly, but I do use that to remind myself, that no matter how bad things get, they could always get worse. I could have no doctor, or no place to live, or I could be watching this pain happen to one of my children.

    They say the trick to zen buddism is to always be happy with LESS than what you actually have, that way, almost everything above food and shelter seems like a total luxury. I certainly have my moments, if you dont get depressed and feeling as if you are suffering unduly, there would have to be something wrong with you mentally, CP affects every single aspect of our lives, we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and together we can get through what we may not have made it through alone.

    Hugs, Your Friend, Fabby

    Last edited by M08; 03-17-2008 at 08:49 PM. Reason: Do not post stories/poems, articles, etc whether your own or someone else's.

    Old 03-17-2008, 08:38 PM   #3
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    Thumbs up Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...


    I know the grief and loss that you are feeling. I wish there was something I could say that would make you feel better I am praying that the Block on Friday will really help you. I am optimistic that it will.

    You have my prayers and support. I hope you'll stay in touch and feel free to vent or whatever.

    Hugs Nadine

    Old 03-17-2008, 09:10 PM   #4
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Hi Chrissy~
    Please forgive me for asking, because I havent read far enough back on your posts, and please forgive me...BUT what other support systems do you have besides the boards?

    Do you have family, friends, ect? It seems like you are going thru alot, and Im just wondering who you have to help you~

    Old 03-17-2008, 09:23 PM   #5
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Chrissy, I am so glad that your doctor listened to you and upped your medication. Praise GOD, he was compassionate and did not let you suffer until Friday. Thank you Jesus!!

    When I read your posts I feel such a connection to you because I am newly diagnosed and new to this cp cr*p and want my old life back so badly. It is difficult accepting the losses I am suffering as a result of my chronic illness and the changes it has brought to my life and my families.

    Just today I was having a phone appt with my psychologist and we discussed what I have lost as a result of my spine problems. Then he asked me how my illness has helped me. At first, I thought ARE YOU KIDDING ME ?? What is there to be blessed by chronic pain. But if you think about it you will come up with a few for that list...I promise you.

    You are right that God does take care of us but that it still does not help the saddness and that we all feel a huge loss and uncertainity. When you have these thoughts, just remember one thing.....that is why we have this board and support that we can talk these things through and be there for each other thru the rough times.

    Know that I am here for you and that I care....I understand exactly what you are saying....I know this has to get easier because I can't imagine it being more difficult than it already is at the moment.

    Take care

    Old 03-17-2008, 10:30 PM   #6
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    I am so sorry that you are having to deal with so much pain. I have a feeling that if you stop the PT and with the increase in meds that your pain will get better. Obviously the PT was not helping and may have just hurt your body even more. So you could possibly have an injury, strained/sprained muscle or whatever. I am really confident that things will get better. I told you not to go back to doing that and the doctor agrees that is the best thing to do. You really need to "care" for yourself, take it easy, slow down, rest, pamper yourself, hit an extra meeting and talk to your sponsor and maybe even write something down in a journal.

    I am here for you and absolutely hate to see you suffering like this just like you hated to see me suffer a month ago. It looks like the tables are turned but I am here to hold your head up and to keep pushing you forward even if it is only 1cm at a time. Remember you can not be hateful and grateful at the same time. You should really sit down and write a gratitude list. You know when I celebrated my birthday I was actually so grateful that I was still alive. If I was still in "active" addiction I can pretty much guarantee you that I would be dead. There were so many times when I was "using" that my heart should have exploded or I should have had a stroke. However, God had other plans for me. You know my old sponsor said you should be grateful that you can "feel" meaning being alive. Just remember all of the addicts that have died from their disease. You are obviously here for a reason and you have helped me immensly. I feel like I have a special connection with you.

    If you feel that you are doing way too much then you may just have to give up some things temporarily, you know. Look what happened to me when I was outside for 5+ hours over the weekend shoveling snow and using the snow blower. I obviously hit my limit, went way past it, and kept on going to the point of exhaustion and nearly passing out although the throbbing pain was keeping me awake. I am here for you and will pray for you. Keep us posted and come back any time ok? Keep your head up.


    Old 03-17-2008, 10:43 PM   #7
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Hey Chrissy: I can't say much more than the others, they've pretty much covered my sentiments, so I guess I'll just say I'm thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you positive thoughts. I know how long it took me to accept my new life of CP and what a struggle it was. (((((Chrissy)))))

    God Bless you, cmpgirl

    Old 03-18-2008, 03:51 AM   #8
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Chrissy, I am so sorry you are still suffering so much. It really does break my heart. Lets all pray this next injection helps, have faith.
    My surgeon told me I am newly out of surgery & to still expect pain, 6wks is nothing, is this true for you? could you still improve? As far as the morphine if it helps give you some quality of life for know then so be it. You should not have to suffer so.
    I have an pt order & I am dreading it, I am glad they had you stop. I don't understand why they continue, there should be a comfort level after so many vistits, if you are not there then is should be a red flag of sorts. I am going to learn from you & my past visits, infact I am going to address that off the get go. I am glad my surgeon said he does not force a long pt treatment, one month & he said you can learn a good pt routine at home. I am here for you. & we will all pray this next procedure works. Hang in there my friend. Sammy

    Old 03-18-2008, 05:20 AM   #9
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Morning everyone,

    Thanks so much for the support. You guys are soooo great.

    Izzy I actually have a pretty good supportsystem around me. My Mom and Dad are about 2 1/2 hours away and my Mom comes every few weeks to visit. Even my Dad came a couple weeks ago.

    My Mom will come for the Facet Block. My mom and I are really close and she is a huge part of my support. She has been there for me through all procedures and surgeries and everything. All through the w/c arm stuff she was at all the big appointments etc.

    My 12 step sponsor has 32 years and she is always here for me to. SHe has problems with her neck to but I am not sure that are issues are alike.

    I also have many friends in the 12 step programs and I am very involved in my recovery. I also sponsor a girl.

    The deal is that some of my friends just dont understand what cchronic pain is, and how it affects your life.
    I really do not talk to people about the meds I take because so many people pass judment. My 12 step sponsor knows all about the meds I take and how often. That is part of being accountable in recovery as far as I am concerned.

    Brian, it is funny that you mention journal and the gratitude list. I have a journal that I have been keeping for years, and I also have a small note journal that I write the gratitude list in. I really value the advice and support that you and so many others on here have given to me.

    SO yesterday was the first day of taking 3 30 mg morphine sulfates every 8 hours and I got up early to take meds this morning and when I walked down stairs I had less pain. Whe I walk down stairs in the morning it is usually not very quickly and it is also very painful. This morning was better. I hope the trend keeps up.

    I am going to a meeting today and for a short walk because I feel that the walking does so much for me. Good for exercise even if it is slow. Good for my spirit and for the vitamins the sunlight gives off.

    You know I am still unsettled in my mind about the uncertainties!!! I want to get better and I just think that it is all taking a long time. I think that if the facet blocks help that will be great and if they dont then I really want them to get down to the CAUSE of all the pain and stop sluffing it off as left-over surgery pain.

    I will see the Neuro on April the 4th so I am happy that is just around the corner.

    Thanks so much for all the kind words. Just know that you all understand is very comforting to me. I really feel no judgements from any off you and I appreciate that as well. We are all in this deal together and I am telling you that I am totally blessed that God directed me to this board.

    I am just going to work on today and relax.

    Thanks everyone.


    Old 03-18-2008, 05:41 AM   #10
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I think we have all been there and it sucks. I miss playing softball, surfing, and just doing all the physical things i love to do. I live right on the ocean and it's a huge part of my life, it is my serenity. I still go in the water and enjoy it but on rough surf days, I don't dare!!!

    I have 2 kids. One is 24 and one is 15. The 2 biggest things I have tried to instill in their lives is...The power of forgiveness and Always feel as though you are blessed. This life is hard but I thank God I am here, I have a roof over my head and food on my table, I also have a very compassionate family and doctor. Although I don't believe for a second that my loved ones understand what my life is like but I truly believe they try. I know they love me unconditionally. My biggest issue has been loving myself. Sometimes I cry because I feel I am useless but then I think about everything I do to take care of my family and I come back to my senses.

    I am not the woman I once was but I am a good woman PAIN and all. My life is not even remotely close to what I thought it would be at 43 but atleast I have a life and love. It is hard and I do hope your sadness is short-lived. Please know that what you are feeling is normal and is to be expected. Although we may be physically inferior to most, I firmly believe that we are mentally and emotionally stronger after this endurance. Draw from that strength and you will cope. Do not be hard on yourself and try to remember how blessed you are. We love and support you and God bless, morgyporgy
    God Bless everyone and pray for a pain manageable day. morgy porgy

    Old 03-18-2008, 06:22 AM   #11
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    I am really sorry you feel so bad but i totally understand everything. I am going to have anterior/posterior surgery next friday and they are going to put more hardware in and i am feeling so as my kids are also cause i cannot do alot of things with them like skating (afraid ill fall and break the screws well they broke anyway). Around x-mas they brought in a blower and made an ice skating rink(imagine that in Louisiana) and i could not do that either instead hubby had to.

    Reading about alot of the stories of the surgeries i am afraid of having this one but i know deep down i need to get a sloid fusion and i wont hurt so bad like that. But hopefully these noodle legs will get better. And i know what yoiu are saying about not being able t do things with friends. Its the same way here and i wish i could help you in alot of ways but i know we just have to be strong to get through and THIS BOARD is where alot of people can help. So please let us and come to us when you are down.

    P.S. i havent been around that long can you tell me what kind of surgery you had? Thank you


    Old 03-18-2008, 07:22 AM   #12
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Chrissy what meds are you on now?? Remind me of the surgeries you have had. Sounds like all you take are pain pills. If they are not working upping the dose isn't the only answer. I haven't heard you mention Lyrica? Or Tramadol. They work much better then an opiate. I dont' take opiates on purpose except for bt. They do not work on nerve related issues that generally are the problem with spine issues. Not sure If I have asked you before but have you been tested for Fibromyalgia, or any other Chronic Pain Syndrome?

    Old 03-19-2008, 05:40 AM   #13
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Morning Everyone!

    Brian thanks for your support! I know your having some difficulty aas well so you hang in there to.


    Thanks for such thoughtful words. I am working on myself everyday in the coping department. I have a life filled with love and happiness and I for sure still know how to laugh.

    I do think the meds are helping somewhat but I also feel that I should be feeling better and that there is still a problem in my neck that has not been fully identified. We know I have 3 moderate to severe disk bulges in my neck but I do not believe they know how much of the pain is coming from those disks.

    So because on one of the MRI's it said I had arthritis in my Facet joints the docs want me to try that first. I never in my life had not one problem in my neck. NEVER had any neck pain, until I was in this car accident. I am willing to try whatever they say to get better, but I also would like for them to figure out it this is from the bulging disks or not.

    I will see the Neuro on April 4th so that will be approximatley 2 weeks after the facet block. It will be interesting to hear what he says then about why I still am in so much pain. The nerves should have been decompressed at C 3-4 and 4-5, but he left the C 5-6 area alone and the problems there he said could not be addressed unless he fuses or puts in an ADR.

    I really need to hear some kind words so thank you all for that.

    Today I dont feel as well this morning, and the plan is to work with my 12 step sponsee here at my house and then lay around and read a book I purchased so not major activities, oh I do need to go to the pharmacy, but if I can put it off one more day I will.


    Old 03-19-2008, 10:08 AM   #14
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    hey chrissy. at least your doc really understands that you DO have some really bad pain and IS addressing that,that is usually half the battle with us. what brian said about the positives,honestly chrissy,for every single really ugly nasty thing i have had to go thru with me and my son,i was soo overwhelmed with soo much negative that i simply couldn't really see that there were any real 'good' things to see with everything til i really started to look for them. i just simply had gotten to the point where i thought honestly,if god was laying all this awful crap on me and my family,there just HAD to be some level of a 'trade off' in all this(trust me,this was pure total desperation)? things do happen for reasons,that much i have come to understand at this ripe old age of 47. alot of the really horrible things i had to suffer thru earlier in my life,really have come kind of full circle now? i can see how the things i been thru have actually made me a better person for all the suffering i have been thru and in some cases,have helped me soo much with now. it makes you begin a brand new realization of like everything in your life that you DO still have,you know what i mean?

    i just feel alot more thankful now for alot of things i once took for granted and they do feel much more valuable to me now too. i really appreciate the 'simple things" now much more. little things that just make me happy or really make me laugh? never looked at things the way i do now ya know?

    chrissy,you are going to make one HECK of a nurse one day,mark my words. you also have a very important an amazing insight into people and suffering and pain like probably no other that you personally know. this is a gift hon. i have personally gained many new perspectives on so may things that i couldn't possibly have understood if everything had not happened in my life the way it did.

    hopefully very soon,someone will understand just what is really creating this horrid pain you are suffering from and be able to correct it for you. but once this is all over hon,you will never ever look at life the very same way you did before. that much i know. you ARE strong hon,alot stronger than you probably ever thought you could be just becasue you were forced to have to deal with something awful. it does build strength in us like nothing else possibly could. its that being 'forced' part that makes that difference in you. you did it and are doing it and will continue to do it and will come out the other side,a much wiser,more caring and strong person for your trouble.

    i certainly hope hon that this new appt will give you some better clarity and be the one doc that can help you fix whatever is still causing you so much pain and suffering. just never forget that 'becasue' of what you went thru and are dealing with,it WILL pay off for you in the end in ways you never possibly could have imagined. and in some cases,already has.

    the one thing that i have really seen and learned during my drawn out nightmare is that for every negative and crappy thing that has happened,there IS a flipside,a positive that is coming along with it,sometimes we just havent seen it or found it yet. just keep looking and you will find these things,mostly in your self. hang in there chrissy,we are all pulling for you.Marcia
    3-22-01,herniated C-6-7
    11-20-01,placement of hardware for failed fusion
    9-22-03,removal of cavernous hemangioma that was inside spinal cord. Neuro damage to L hand L leg and R leg.

    Old 03-19-2008, 11:18 AM   #15
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    Re: Saw PM today!! I feel the sadness coming again. Need Support...

    Honey, my heart goes out to you.
    I understand what you are going through. I am in same boat right now, but I do believe that one day it will get easier...
    Let's just hope and do something what can make us happy, right?
    For me my grandkids (my daughter just had second one, he is 2 weeks old) mean a world, when i see them it takes my pain away. That is why i believe in body-mine connection.
    I read what you done in one day, I can't even imagine to do so much and still you feel it's not much. I would be so happy if I could do half of it, trust me.
    And I am talking about person who knows what it means to work hard and do everything myself.
    Maybe you can take it easy for a while. What seems like not too much, it may be too much on your back.
    Good luck to you and I hope very soon your will be able to smile again...

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