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Do you forgive?


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Old 01-05-2016, 05:40 AM   #1
tl0094
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Do you forgive?

I have been dating a guy for a year and a half. And during the first 6 months, he was a verbally abusive alcoholic.

There was one night where he physically attacked me after I poured water over his face while he was asleep on a couch.

Things changed after that. A part of me felt like he wasn't an abusive guy. He never has been physically abusive towards anyone in his life and I decided to forgive him.

He gave up hope and kept drinking. I bought him a book that helped him stopped drinking.

Then he moved in 8 months later and was really attentive and sweet. Then I discovered on Christmas Eve that he has been secretly replying to personal ads on Craigslist with his mobile number.

I confronted him and he told me that nothing has ever happened, that he did it while he was in a dark place and that he wants a second chance.

Days later, I decided to break up with him. That was when I discovered that he slept with someone else during the time after the physical abuse has happened, he slept with someone else.

A part of me wants to move on from this crazy toxic relationship. And a part of me still wants to be with him.

What should I do?

 
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Old 01-05-2016, 07:29 AM   #2
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Re: Do you forgive?

get rid of him! you will never be able to trust him, and he's not much of a keeper anyway! being by yourself would be better than being with him.

 
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tl0094 (01-06-2016)
Old 01-05-2016, 11:28 AM   #3
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Re: Do you forgive?

Dear tl0094,

Speaking as one that has been there many times in my own life:

That is not a healthy relationship and you know it. The part of you that craves that man is the part of you that self-destructively tries to get love from people that didn't care instead of caring about your self enough to choose healthy relationships.

No matter what happened in the past you don't deserve destruction. Say no to it. If destructiveness feels normal, then others were destructive toward you while you were forming. Those and your self are the ones to forgive. Not because they deserve it, but because you deserve to change that pattern.

Don't feed self-destructiveness by dwelling on what others did or might do. take care of your own self and choices.

Please get help to understand why you are focusing on and willing to be around anyone's bad behavior, your own or his. That is combat, not love. Your choices are just as bad as his. Two people acting badly is not called a relationship. It is called depending on the other person to behave so you won't have to. Relationship is not about controlling or fixing other people. Yes you both are doing it, but does that mean you should be a participant?

It is not intelligent, loving, healthy or funny to pour water on a sleeping person's face and expect a good response. Having a relationship with that man is about dependence and disrespecting yourself and him. In my opinion wanting him is about wanting to overlook your own bad choices. Fix your own problems and you won't attract or be attracted to or be a destructive person.

You know you have no business hanging around or onto a person like him.
A healthy minded person would not try to have a close personal relationship with a person with his problems. The true question and answer regarding whether to be with this man is not about loving or forgiving him. It is about whether to choose peace and safety instead of craziness, irresponsibility and insanity. We can only choose for ourselves.

Get healthy yourself and you will not feel sorry for or look down on other people. Then you will attract and be attracted to healthy relationships.

There are all kinds of free support groups and great books to work on your own problems and get your own life in order. Seeking more baggage is just avoiding responsibility.

Take it from my experience: taking responsibility for yourself feels a whole lot better than hanging around anyone that deliberately chooses the loser lifestyle.

Love,
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Old 01-06-2016, 12:18 AM   #4
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Re: Do you forgive?

Thanks for the hug, tl.

Hugs back to you!!
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