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14 yrs ago I left him, and he is still controlling


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Old 03-02-2016, 09:29 AM   #1
rinell
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rinell HB User
Unhappy 14 yrs ago I left him, and he is still controlling

In 1996, I was 17. Married a guy ten years older than me. Two years later I had a beautiful baby, and about a year later another one. Stayed with this guy through 6 years of crap. First he was cheating on me with his cousin that lived next door. Then his drinking, punching my head to the ground. (He was abusive to his cousin too) Tying me up to the bed to have his way with me, whilst I'm crying for him to let me go. Waking me in the middle of the night to have sex and I tried to get away from him by going to sleep in next room with my then 2 and 3 year old. He grabbed me by my ankles and drug me back in the bedroom.

I left him. Took my kids. Got a PFA against him, but it was dropped because I couldn't testify as I was balling my eyes out and couldn't speak. Later, I forgave him. I've always tried to get along with him. He moved with me with my new boyfriend and waited for the right time to take my boys. In 2004 I had custody of my brother, and "someone" turned me in for using a drug. My oldest was in Kindergarten. My ex then took my boys and moved about 2 hours away. Then I was the "bad" guy.

He always belittles me, makes me feel like I'm worthless. and he hasn't ever done wrong. He has never apologized for what he has done to me. I know I'm not a bad person. I don't lie. When I'm wrong I admit it. I moved back to be closer to my boys. We went to court, had mediation. I am supposed to have my boys with me every other week.. shared joint custody. I made it a rule for myself to never talk bad about their father to them, it's not right. Until recently, I said something to them. They are 17 and 16 now. And my oldest got really upset like I wish you guys would quit arguing, and I'm like ??? I don't bring up stuff usually. but what I have figured out is that he has been talking bad about me this whole time, telling my boys how worthless and bad I am, and that they need to stay with him or else they will starve to death. I'm worthless because I don't work,(I'm a stay at home mom) Thats just a few things Last year my boys said they don't want to stay at my house any longer than weekends until I get a job.(I know this is their dad talking).

just hurts because I do so much, and a job doesn't define me. Lord knows that caring for children and house is one of the hardest jobs. I was a stay at home mom while I was married to him too! About two years ago, he didn't work for almost 2 years that I know of. but thats ok because that is Dad I guess. And I helped him out with food and money more than once. Every month I gave food and money for whatever. I'm just never good enough. Now, my 16 yr old wants to be here with me, ( dad got a house and a girlfriend and a new baby last year) more often and out of nowhere they have chores to do and priorities and this week they have chores everyday. They haven't ever had this excuse until now. So aren't able to be here because it's not fair to the other children in the house. (There are two teens and of course their new brother). At my house I have a 6 year old and an almost 2 year old.. my 6 year old has chores. It's not fair to him either, but then again thats not my argument. He is just making up stuff for them to be there more. (He belittles them, and is very manipulative to get his way)

I'm at the point of just "getting the hellout of Dodge" But can't because I feel like I'm abandoning them. And my boys don't know to this day what their dad did to me. Last Saturday I get a phone call from my oldest sons girlfriends parents, saying that he (my son) has mentioned taking his own life. Next day I spoke with my ex about their chore schedule and asked if he would consider setting it up differently. and asked him not to talk to the boys about our convos (not the first time) and he just ignored me. Then later that night I talk to my son, and he was upset with me that his dad and I cant get along. Says his dad isn't keeping them there bc of chores. What dad would still complain to his son after knowing the state of mind he is in???

I got him an appt with a therapist yesterday seemed to help getting stuff off his chest. but STILL. Wish I knew how to deal with things.. he is making me feel like I need a therapist or something. I really don't know what my question or argument is, Guess I just needed this off my chest. Thanks for listening.

Last edited by Administrator; 03-02-2016 at 11:48 AM.

 
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