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  • coming to terms with it

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    Old 06-25-2017, 08:58 AM   #1
    Join Date: Jun 2017
    Posts: 4
    maapaa HB User
    coming to terms with it

    I had a very tuff childhood. My late teenage years and early adulthood have been an attempt to make up for how ****** my childhood was... I blame most of all my parents for their failings.. specifically my mother. Although she could hardly have kept the abusers away from me as she has a plethora of mental problems, bipolar, aspergers.. learning difficulties.. etc..
    Still I find myself cursing her name under my breath.. my childhood, the sheer horror of it, I feel as a 25 year old adult now was her responsibility to take care of..
    even though i can logically say.. she had the board set against her.. i still find myself hating her.. all the same.
    my young adult years have made up for a lot of the pain and misery i felt as a child.. i travelled a lot, seen many amazing things, done many amazing things but i still find myself sacrificing so much.. to my partners.. i know i shouldn't i just cant help it...
    its so unhealthy, i have gotten better with friends, strangers or people noticing their intentions or being more careful, but with girlfriends.. its so hard for me to see the boundaries of what is and is not acceptable.. to give up.

    i cant say ive had a bad young adult years, probably a lot better than most.. of which i severely needed.
    when i left to travel i just needed to get out... just go... just leave and never return.. see the world. have no worries, no responsibilities, never look back.

    now i have realised my family are my family and no matter how much i might dislike or hate them i can never walk away from them.. not even if i was to live on the otherside of the world... even the problems i have, i just take them where ever i go.. so i need to come to terms with them.. with the co-dependency.. with the guilt and shame of my actions, with the self sacrificing.. i just worry i will never be in a healthy marriage or relationship.

    my current girlfriend i don't love and i really want to break up with her, but i just don't know how. she is not a strong person and relies on me for so much..
    i don't know how to tell her the truth, i really don't want to hurt her, shes a really good person.

    its funny how the truth can be twisted and turnt so much, that it comes out the other end a lie.. i don't want to live a lie no more. i have finally realised that the years of my travels have come to an end.. but this problem has always persisted me. i feel totally trapped by it.. encased, crushed..

    i know that it will eventually go away, i just wonder how to get through it.

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    Old 06-25-2017, 09:07 AM   #2
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    Re: coming to terms with it

    What a beautiful snapshot of your life this is. You are a deep thinker. You are empathetic in the face of great hurt. I really appreciate that about you, I think that is amazing.
    There's no easy way to break up with someone, but your truth is what is most essential. You cannot stay with her "forever" just because she may not take the break up well. I say just speak your truth. That you are so sorry but you don't love her, and that you hate to hurt her but you just can't stay.
    I wish that your mother (and father) protected you in all of the many ways you needed and deserved to be protected. I hear you saying that your mom had so much going on that made it so she legitimately COULDN'T be that mom for you... but still, you deserved better than what you got, and of course you are going to be so angry at her about that.
    You are on a path of peace. You are taking your messed up childhood and transforming yourself into an adult who is a survivor. My advice is that you get a bit of professional therapy. You are so articulate, and the therapy will help you process all of your feelings and get the tools you need to be in relationships without sacrificing yourself.
    God bless you, sweetheart. You are made of fine stuff.

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