It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Codependency Message Board

Relationship & abandonment issues


Post New Thread   Reply Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 06-03-2018, 11:50 AM   #1
zoeyann40
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: usa
Posts: 2
zoeyann40 HB User
Relationship & abandonment issues

Hi, I am wondering if any one out there has experienced abandonment issues while being in a relationship and what successes they've had overcoming it.

I have been in a relationship with an awesome guy for less than a year. He seems to be quite sensitive to my needs and I really want to continue with this relationship but I have this constant need for his attention and fear that he will leave me. I get jealous that anyone takes away his attention from me.
I feel pretty ashamed to be this way but its so deep and it scares me.
One of the problems I have to deal with is that he has other commitments mostly that he chooses to have. So alot of times I feel he would rather be with them than me. Such an awful embarrassing feeling to have! I wish I didn't feel this way.

I know this stems from my childhood as my mother walked out of our lives ( I have 2 other siblings) when we were tots and my father re-married to an alcoholic step mother who I was raised by. She had a good heart but also a very serious drinking problem. It was hard to have a good relationship with her as there weren't too many times she was sober.

My adult years has been a complete struggle, been into therapy many times but didn't feel much help there. All of my past relationships ended in disaster because of my insecurities . I was single for many years because i felt I needed time to figure myself out and to heal until I met this awesome guy and now my fears and insecurities are coming back and the repeat starts again and I am scared i can never have the healthy relationship I want and afraid of losing the one I currently have.

Is there anyone out there that can help me get thru this? I would appreciate anyone who can relate to this and tell me how they overcame it

Thank you for any help given

 
Reply With Quote
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 06-03-2018, 04:14 PM   #2
YaYagirl
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,937
YaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB User
Re: Relationship & abandonment issues

Dear zoeyann,

I feel for you and can relate. I lost the 'love' of my life due to similar fears. It took me many years to understand that past relationship would never have worked due to who we each were, which is WHY it did not work out. The words "if only" is a meaningless phrase. It took a very long time to come to realize that it takes two to tango, and that particular person in my past was not at all suited to who I am with all of my baggage due to his own baggage.

We would like to, but we cannot unload our baggage. Our experiences are our burden to carry. We can learn to own it and not make decisions based on it, though, and eventually we gain new courage and relationship skills so that the burden lightens and the past can fade away to the past where it belongs.

I did meet a man that can be upfront and take me being upfront and we have managed to be married now for 36 years by opening up, being realistic about our relationships with others and not carrying around our baggage or dumping it on the other. That is key. Your baggage is not your mate's problem. So, it is imperative that you not dump it on him, which includes not even asking him to humor your fears or to help you feel better. If you know he is not a safe person then get out now. That's your job. If you know he is a safe person then never ever expect him to 'prove' it by humoring your fear.

IF he betrays your trust by cheating or lying, then of course you have to face and deal with it openly. But if he does not do those things, your problem is yours to deal with yourself. I really believe that. No human being can ever do or be enough to assuage our own insecurities or fears.

All that to say, get some counseling to learn to OWN your fears rather than connecting them to your guy or anyone else, ESP. not in relation to ANY of his other commitments. We can practice saying no to ourselves when we catch lying thoughts in our minds. Counseling is to help change our own thought & behavior patterns, NOT to fix our emotions. I am not writing to you about how you feel. You cannot stop your emotions. What you can control is your anxious, insecure actions.

Your emotions are from past experience, which has NOTHING to do with the here and now, obviously. Ghosts from the past are not present reality. Our emotions change as we change our behavior patterns. We gain confidence in our own selves. That is what you lost as a child and what you can gain as an adult. I am one just example. Yes I still experience fears and insecurities, but the difference now is I own them, and I choose to not act on them.

If we don't face our ghosts we become like Ebenezer Scrooge blaming everyone because of our past, and creating the past again and again. I know because I lived it. I didn't have to externally accuse anyone, because internally I always expected others to be less than genuine with me. I acted like I wanted relationships and thought I really did but back then I was not even really approachable I was so shut down and self-protective.

Honey, you can stop that old destructive pattern. You can get help to see yourself as a grown-up that can take people at face value and occupy yourself when others are occupied elsewhere.

Much love,
__________________
~ YaYa ~

Last edited by YaYagirl; 06-03-2018 at 04:39 PM.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2018, 01:19 PM   #3
zoeyann40
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2018
Location: usa
Posts: 2
zoeyann40 HB User
Re: Relationship & abandonment issues

Hello YaYagirl, So sorry this is late I haven't been able to get back online to reply to you. I want to thank you for your informative post to my question. It's good to know someone out there has had the same issues.

I have been to therapy a couple different times in the past. The last one back in 2008 was most helpful and we were getting somewhere but then my Insurance changed and I could no longer afford to go. I still can't afford to go thats why I came here.

I wanted to ask you how to "own" it? I never knew how to do that and don't know what its like to "own" your feelings.
How did you do it? Did you feel much comfortable with yourself once you did that?

I hope your still on these boards
Zoeyann

 
Reply With Quote
Old 06-23-2018, 04:51 PM   #4
YaYagirl
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,937
YaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB UserYaYagirl HB User
Re: Relationship & abandonment issues

Dear zoeyann,

Not a problem. I am not always here, anyway.

I'm glad my 'stuff' helps you to not feel so isolated. I learned in psychotherapy that I had normal emotions for the things that happened to me. The main thing my therapist gave me was understanding and empathy. Now I have it for myself and for others.

I began to consider how others might feel or what they may have gone through. I have to say after years of practicing listening to others and considering where they are coming from, that created a lot of compassion in my thinking, and I really can now let go of what others think or say or do or did to or about me. That was all I needed. I think maybe that's all you need.

What my psychologist really did for me is to completely be real with me himself, and did not judge or take anything I shared personally, and when I asked if he ever felt or experienced things similar to what disturbed me, he said YES. That it is normal to dislike or feel disturbed by some things in life, and we all share that experience in common.

To me it seemed like my life was full of bad experiences, calamities, people letting me down, abusers, everything breaking, falling apart, etc, etc, etc. I thought it was from something wrong with me. My psychologist shared how much money or how smart we are, how much education, how good we look, etc, etc, doesn't make the washing machine work when we are getting ready for an important job interview, and having a lot of money doesn't make the repair person get to our appointment on time. Or even to arrive at all. It doesn't make our dinner not burn or our brakes not fail. We cannot control how our kids turn out or if a spouse is faithful. Life is full of disappointments. It is whether we accept reality and deal with it that counts.

All we really can do in life is learn to be healthy thinkers so we know what are our own issues to deal with and what belongs to someone else, and to forgive both ourselves and others when we let ourselves or others down. Because we have hopes and dreams and we do let ourselves and others down. It is just a fact of life. Forgiveness and acceptance is key. We cannot make others accept us. But we can accept our own selves and we can choose to accept others. I find that we are weird to many others and many others are weird to us. Strange is a kinder word...different is an even better description.

I used to feel i was 'different' from everyone else, but thru therapy came to believe I was/am normal for the stuff I have been through. I have basically stopped comparing myself to others or comparing others to anyone else. We all just are who we are. I enjoy myself and others a whole lot more, now.

I think most human beings hope and want others to be there for us in our dysfunction. You are certainly not alone in that. We want understanding and acceptance and compassion from others, but what we need is to understand and accept and have compassion on ourselves, then we have that understanding to share with others.

Only we, alone, know what we feel and experience. We cannot make others have emotions and they cannot make us have them. If we feel someone is abusing and we stay in it, we are abusing ourselves. We need to understand and accept ourselves. Then we can learn to understand and accept others that share themselves with us. It is a two way street.

We cannot relate to others in a healthy manner if we are rejecting who we really are. I really am a damaged person. I also really have had a lot of healing. The only way to get healing is to understand and accept who we are and know that we can change our minds and perceptions, and we can choose what we do, and we need to NOT blame others for our own confusion or low self-worth. Others cannot make us feel that way. If we have been believing lies we need to reject those lies and take responsibility for our own values. To me that is 'owning' who I am.

I have made poor choices many times in my life. But I made those choices. I happen to have come to believe in God and that He forgives. But say you don't believe like me...you can still choose to be your own person apart from others, and accept and forgive yourself and others.

We can learn to change our own perceptions. I perceive that you have a pretty good understanding of yourself. By owning your perception of yourself, I mean that your emotions and decisions are yours alone and no one else makes them happen and no one else but you can make you feel differently than you do at any given time. We don't have to have a doctor teach that to us.

I accept that my emotions are mine, and what others do affects me, but what I choose to think and believe is what creates what I feel. My emotions come from what is on my own mind, from how I think of a matter...and I can change my own mind. So can you.

I had a friend tell me once that we cannot dwell on two things at once. I didn't understand at first, not seeing how closed off my thinking was, stuck on what I experienced and what I perceived and thought. Now I really appreciate how we all have something to offer from our experiences, and sometimes what we share is what someone else can hear and sometimes they really don't care what we think.

This reality doesn't upset or negate you or your life. Don't let what others do, say or think upset or negate who you are. You are uniquely YOU.
__________________
~ YaYa ~

Last edited by YaYagirl; 06-23-2018 at 05:00 PM.

 
Reply With Quote
Reply Reply

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Finally realized I want to treat my issues, but how? pseudosquid Anxiety 0 04-15-2016 03:49 PM
Healthy 34 year old having sudden issues. Doctors clueless. heat123 Brain & Nervous System Disorders 8 11-08-2015 11:43 PM
Can you help me? Is it relationship OCD? anthropology12 Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD) 1 01-03-2012 03:54 PM




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 03:39 PM.





© 2018 MH Sub I, LLC dba Internet Brands. All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!