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  • Ex boyfriend turned best friend

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    Old 10-13-2019, 06:15 AM   #1
    Chainsoflove
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    Ex boyfriend turned best friend

    I have been in a so called roller coaster of a friendship/relationship with a man who is 15 yrs older than me. We have been on and off for almost 4 yrs. At the beginning it was the perfect relationship. He would open car doors for me and pull out my chair as I sat down. He would also give me cards and flowers. He would call me pet names. I got a real kick out of that.

    He is obese and I think he was ashamed of his body, so we were not that intimate very often. He lives about an hour away from me. We have traveled to different states together to sight see and visit museums. We have fun going to dine at the nice restaurants.

    He once told me he wasn't in it this relationship/friendship to be intimate, nor does he want to be married. He has been single all his life. I agreed with him on those subjects and it was smooth sailing after that. We only go out four times a month anymore now a days.

    So, can an ex turn into your best friend after dating for awhile? I feel I am in a codependent friendship.

    I think I am codependent when it comes to him. He is my best friend and companion. We broke up for about six months over some silly things. When we are together we don't hold hands or do any cuddling.

    I am just wondering if he is my best friend now and not a boyfriend. I really respect him and care for him tremendously. I guess we were only friends from the start I don't know if it wise to keep seeing him (even though it is only about 4 times a month) We do laugh together and have a great time.

    I wonder if we should remain best friends or should I walk out and never look back? He has never been abusive mentally or physically, thank goodness. I am happy just being near him. I am afraid to just break it off and never see him again. I just want to be friends with him and be good to him.

    Now that he is my best friend, I don't care to date any other guys. We call and text each other everyday, and I am satisfied with that So, should we remain friends and just go with the flow. I am a bit shy around him, and we don't talk about how we used to be together. We just have a great time together.

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 08:11 AM   #2
    TreeFrog
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    Re: Ex boyfriend turned best friend

    Hi Chainsoflove,

    It doesn't seem like this is 'chains of love', so much, but definitely it seems there are some emotional and mental chains mainly in your own mind.

    Why not stop analyzing everything so much and just be friends with the people you care about?

    Don't confuse sexual involvement with commitment. They are not the same thing. When we are not married, we are not tied to anyone nor are they to us. Sex is like eating, we eat, burp or pass gas, digest, poop and it's over. No matter what we wish for, sexual activity doesn't create real friendship or security or permanency. Real friendship or security or permanency requires two people making a mutual binding agreement.

    You might do better to stop all intimate acts until or unless you do get married, and get some counseling with a good therapist so that you understand yourself and what you really want better. Having sex doesn't mean you have a mate. Unless you both make a binding agreement and legally get married there is no obligation to each other, except to be honest. That is all you can expect from that kind of arrangement. It seems that you do wnat commitment. If so, you have to stop casually spreading yourself around. Your moral obligation is first to yourself, to go for what you are seeking. If you want relationship security seek out a suitable mate and get married. Even that has risk because divorce is also legal and you still could end up alone.

    Honestly, the guys you have shared about have no moral obligation to you except to be honest. It seems like you want security. But when you get involved sexually with no commitment then of course, that is not a secure relationship.

    If you want to know what you mean to other people, you need to know what commitment means to you and discuss it with the people before you hook up with them. Ask them if they want to be committed to you and in what way. If all they want is sex or you settle for only getting sex with no commitment, then that is what you chose and that is all you will get. There is no security in having sex, plus you can get more than you expected, you can get disease, because no telling what those people are doing when they are not with you.

    This is your life. Figure out what you want in a relationship and stop settling for occasional sex. When you choose that, it is all you will get. First of all be true to who you really are. If you want to be married, wait and save your self for that special person.

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 08:20 AM   #3
    Chainsoflove
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    Re: Ex boyfriend turned best friend

    I don't have casual sex with anyone. Maybe that is what other people do, but that is not me. I am not in the friendship for that anyway. I just care for him as a best friend. We have way more bonding without having sex. He really respects me and I really care about him. It would be helpful if you read the whole post.

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 11:37 AM   #4
    TreeFrog
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    Re: Ex boyfriend turned best friend

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Chainsoflove View Post
    I don't have casual sex with anyone. Maybe that is what other people do, but that is not me. I am not in the friendship for that anyway. I just care for him as a best friend. We have way more bonding without having sex. He really respects me and I really care about him. It would be helpful if you read the whole post.

    Hi,

    I can only reply based on what you wrote.
    You posted -
    "I am just wondering if he is my best friend now and not a boyfriend. I really respect him and care for him tremendously. I guess we were only friends from the start I don't know if it wise to keep seeing him (even though it is only about 4 times a month)"

    and

    "I wonder if we should remain best friends...."

    I am saying be your own best friend first.
    If you take care of your own needs then you are OK no matter what another person chooses. Only you can decide if what you are getting is enough of a relationship for you. It is nothing against you to tell you that you need to decide what kind of relationship you want and need, then hold out for that. That is the same thing we each need to do.

    You might want to have a discussion with your friend about whether to remain friends.
    The decision is really up to the both of you. If he wants it like it is and you do too, then that is the answer. If one of you wants more or less from the relationship both of you need to know so you each can make adjustments that only you each alone can decide.

    No one else can tell you what you need to do or decide. We can only give you our own thoughts about what you ask and what you state that you are doing. He isn't here asking what we think.

    Of course, your choices are completely up to you. All the best to you.

     
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    Old 10-13-2019, 12:07 PM   #5
    Chainsoflove
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    Re: Ex boyfriend turned best friend

    Hi,

    I let him do all the talking usually, lol. I can be quite shy, and not communicate real well when faced with a question I have to ask of him. I don't visit with him very often, only about four times a month. He used to give me gifts, and I don't know if he was trying to do that to win my heart or not.

    We have been through alot in these four years, and I don't want to throw our relationship away just because we aren't intimate anymore. He and I love to travel to different states and go to museums, festivals and what not. Not to be mean to myself, but I often wonder if he has another woman that he gets affectionate with. I kind of miss the hugs I already know there is more to a relationship then wanting intimacy. If I could go back in time, I would have waited longer to be intimate with him.

    At least I gained a best friend out of the deal. He is so respectful to me. We have never fought and he has always had my best interests at heart. As for sex, if I wanted that I would of left in the first year. We were hardly intimate in the beginning anyway, and I didn't mind so much. I do have alot of respect for myself when it comes to being intimate. I think he senses that, and that is good.

    He gives me a sense of comfort and on going peace in my life. He may come across as a know it all though lol. I don't mind that. I could sit and listen to him talking for hours. When I needed him, he would come running and give me his word not to tell anybody what we were talking about. Thank you TreeFrog for opening my eyes and telling me like it is. But a friends with benefits thing, is what I do not want. I am afraid to hug him when we part from our dates. I am just glad he is in my life.

     
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