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Old 12-08-2005, 10:36 PM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Birmingham,Alabama
Posts: 876
Arememom HB User

Characteristics of Codependency
Following is a commonly used list of characteristics of codependency.

My good feelings about who I am stem from being liked by you
My good feelings about who I am stem from receiving approval from you
Your struggle affects my serenity. My mental attention focuses on solving your problems/relieving your pain
My mental attention is focused on you
My mental attention is focused on protecting you
My mental attention is focused on manipulating you to do it my way
My self-esteem is bolstered by solving your problems
My self-esteem is bolstered by relieving your pain
My own hobbies/interests are put to one side. My time is spent sharing your hobbies/interests
Your clothing and personal appearance are dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
Your behaviour is dictated by my desires and I feel you are a reflection of me
I am not aware of how I feel. I am aware of how you feel.
I am not aware of what I want - I ask what you want. I am not aware - I assume
The dreams I have for my future are linked to you
My fear of rejection determines what I say or do
My fear of your anger determines what I say or do
I use giving as a way of feeling safe in our relationship
My social circle diminishes as I involve myself with you
I put my values aside in order to connect with you
I value your opinion and way of doing things more than my own
The quality of my life is in relation to the quality of yours

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Old 12-09-2005, 07:24 AM   #2
Senior Veteran
Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,569
tina76 HB User
Re: Codependency

Thanks for posting this! It's very interesting. When I read it I am taken back to my horrible ex and how bad our relationship was. Gives me the willies! I sure wish I had seem something like this back then. Might have helped to clue me in to how unhealthy our relationship actually was! Oh well... we live, we learn... hopefully!

Old 12-10-2005, 05:10 AM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2005
Posts: 3
Texan#1 HB User
Re: Codependency

This is absolutely correct and this " co-dependecy " is a struggle that I live with each day. I am better by a mile, but living with alcoholics most of my 45 years I did each and every one of those things listed above.
It was hard to take a stand but I did it and I will never go back to letting someone elses behaviour or actions rule how I react.

Co-Dependency No More by Melodie Beatty is an awsome read and I recomend it highly.

Always be yourself

Old 12-10-2005, 09:19 PM   #4
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Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: south florida
Posts: 141
Mischeif HB User
Re: Codependency

Thank you Arememom,

As you know, I really needed to read that. I have purchased a book by Melanie Beattie that applies the 12 step program to overcoming codependency. I need to print this out and read it over to explore my motives in my actions with others. I do most of those things, and am the "victim" of the ones I don't do. They all apply to one situation or another and I cannot permit that. My serenity is so important right now. Oh, and I pick up 90 days next Saturday at my AA mtg, and the following Wednesday at my NA meeting. I know we are supposed to do one day at a time, but I've come this far, I can plan on another week. Besides, it gives my a goal to work toward, and I am very goal oriented.

Much like Tina and Tex, I see these things in myself and no longer want them to be part of my life, however, I am in the beginning stages of trying to change my behaviors and feelings about myself that are based on codependency, and you posted this just when I needed it most.

Old 12-10-2005, 09:41 PM   #5
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 1,569
tina76 HB User
Re: Codependency

Congrats in advance on your 90 days Mischeif! I know you will make it and I am so happy for you!

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