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help, please...

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Old 12-20-2010, 08:53 PM   #1
Join Date: Dec 2010
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mr09 HB User
help, please...

I have been dealing with an issue for a few months now and even though i am seeking professional help, have supportive friends and family - i feel as though i need some outside, unbiased advice. with that i'll start my story and try and make it quick.

I am a female and met a girl my freshman year of college who i eventually ended up having a romantic relationship with. she had grown up in the small college town we were attending and i had come from very far away knowing absolutely no one. immediately, we became great friends. she played a huge, HUGE role in my life. neither one of us identified ourselves as gay and we chalk the relationship up into something that just sort of happened. my whole life i had needed and wanted a friend who would support and love me unconditionally. this person did that for me. i was dealing with depression, anxiety and self mutilation way before I met her, but had yet to find that person to care for me and be there for me no matter what. I attached to that. This relationship was my very first one. So, my first experience with sex and dating was with a girl. not exactly "normal" when you dont identify as being gay.

the beginning of our relationship was great. we had tons of fun together, were always hanging out and i had never been happier. She was always the positive, happy go lucky one and i was always the sarcastic one. I never believed anything to be wrong. however, throughout this time, even though i believed it to be normal, i was isolating myself from all the new friends i had made, never hanging out with them or canceling plans. but that didnt matter - i just wanted to be with her. She made me feel good, beautiful and loveable. for the first time i was in love and had felt loved. however, our whole relationship was kept completely secret. we did not tell anyone, and my friends grew frustrated and confused as to why i was spending so much time with one person. long story short, my girlfriend and i had a very weird, unbalanced relationship. I would do everything for her. Pay for everything, run her errands, go completely out of my way to do things for her, give her clothes, groceries, stop my day to help her, our dates and lives would revolve completely and totally around EVERYTHING she wanted. we would have to stop our dinner date or whatever we were doing to go hang out with her parents or siblings. I was always told what to do, how to do it, was never validated, was never told i was right and we would constantly argue about little things that would somehow be blamed on me. There were things throughout the whole year that were so obviously wrong. however, i thought that this was love because as i continued to "always do things wrong" she would always say "i love you." and i just wanted to make her happy. I would allow her to go on dates with guys, kiss other guys and even though i would tell her it hurt and upset me - she would say i was controlling and manipulative. so i eventually just let it happen but was always jealous and worried about where she was.

I took my ex-girlfriend on various trips, including a cruise to europe where she paid nothing she is 22 and I am 19. My family didn't know we were in a relationship. The day after we got back from the cruise, she broke up with me. We were at my house and in a few hours she was preparing to go be a camp counselor in Israel for 10 days. I was devastated. This best friend and person i looked up to literally completely abandoned me. She wouldnt answer calls/emails or anything and no one else knew i was going through a break up. i was heart broken, depressed and suffering in silence. Because our fights and breakups never lasted long, i was convinced she would be better when she got back. I was wrong. It turns out she had hooked up with a bunch of her campers. pictures of her making out were all over ********. she had lied about a lot of things. she had told me not to call and text that she was too busy and on to better things. She and her family were practically my whole world in college because i had only hung out with them.

The next 5 months were hell. we went back and forth between talking. she is my big sister in my sorority and we share a position in the sorority. we would ignore each other. i had lost my best friend, she wouldnt talk to me, listen and anytime we tried to talk we would fight - she would blame me. she would tell me about people she was hooking up with. tell me i was horrible for talking badly about her. (not true) turning every single thing around me. we would be okay for a few days (we would hook up/hang out - all completely secretly as i was forbidden to see her (my family eventually found out we were in a relatinship rather than just friends.) ) and then she would go back to screaming at me, verbally and emotionally abusing me every chance. she knew everything about me and knew every thing that would hurt me. i was terrified of being abandoned and she would continue to pick me back up and then drop me, just like a yo yo and i would fall for it.

6 months later, i am MUCH stronger. I have been through a lot of therapy, realized a lot of things, talked to a lot of people and had many opportunities to fix my mistakes. i was made to believe that i was crazy, unstable, the problem in the relationship, would never find love again and was always controlling/manipulative. a lot has changed though, i have made friends, joined organizations, changed my beliefs (sort of) and started becoming very close to my family. while my friend and i occasionally talk - a lot of things are still wrong. i am still blamed, i am still accused of outrageous things, if i don't answer her questions she gets mad, if i point out that she has done something wrong she freaks out completely. she cannot stand it if i go days without talking. she comes crawling back, saying she misses me and loves me so much - she craves and needs teh attention. she will show up on my doorstep, make plans and do whatever she can to get my attention. (even went as far as saying she wanted to die, cut herself) even though i see all that is wrong with her, i have this very weak soft spot. i am angry, hurt, emotionally unstable yet i can't let her go in order to completely better myself. i am angry enough to do so, yet can't seem to fight the feeling off of talking to her or engaging in conversation. i don't know what to do. she is blocked from contacting me via phone and **. the only way we can talk is *****/e-mail. which we do frequently. i go back and forth between blocking and unblocking her. i don't know what to do. i know in order to truly get on with my life and get my life back, i have to cut all ties. but that scares me and i do still "love" her. she was my first everything and played such a huge role in my life. my counselors have said she has some major issues, like narcissistic personality disorder/borderline pd. I want to be friends, yet i am not ready to hear about all the guys she is seeing (which she loves to tell me about), i can't be supportive and we constantly fight because of the outrageous things she says. i know what i have to do but it's so hard. i know that there is good in this person because i have seen it she just isn't there right now but i am so tired of waiting for her to come back, i believe she is gone for good however i feel very codependent on her and i feel the need to know that things are okay between us even though i need to move on.

that is my story, any advice would be much appreciated. i am so sorry its so long. i am struggling a little tonight. thank you for reading.

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Old 12-20-2010, 10:55 PM   #2
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Re: help, please...

Think of yourself as a fish on a long line. She will ignore you, hurt you, abandon you, and when she needs a bit of amusement or power, she will reel you in again and let you be her friend until she gets bored. Hard as it may be to know, you will NEVER get the relationship back that you had. You will just get tantalising tastes of it that she will throw you. She definitely sounds like a narcissist, and you are her main source of supply. Everything she does is textbook narcissism - the hot and cold, the gaslighting, the lying, everything. The only way you can move forward with your life is to keep her out of it. Can you change schools? She will be quite happy to go on with this, and has no empathy or understanding that you are an actual person with feelings. You must break free of her for your own well being. There is a lot of information about this situation. Read up on it and gather your strength. Good luck, Sera

Old 12-20-2010, 11:08 PM   #3
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mr09 HB User
Re: help, please...

thank you for your advice and response. i really appreciate it. the thing is, i ahve been reading and reading and reading all sorts of books about personality disorders and what confuses me is that she started out so incredibly compassionate, loving, supportive, caring - almost too much. every one of my issues became her own. and i just am so confused as to how she can use all of that against me now. she is a senior with one more semester at school - i fortunately have 2.5 more years at least to gain some of my college life/experience back. how do i just cast her away? i feel as though if she has a problem i should help. i'm thinking of all of these ways to block her and push her away, but i can't seem to stick to it even though i have come so far and come to the point to where i WANT her to go away, the idea is just so unreal to me.

Old 12-21-2010, 04:03 AM   #4
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Re: help, please...

Hey mr09,

You have been through alot and had to deal with so much on your own. Its great that you are starting to feel better and things have and are continue to change hopefully for the better. You are better off staying away from her, she is just using you and well basically what she is doing it abuse. You have achieved so much and for that you should be proud. The hardest step because like you said you have a soft spot for her is to let her go. Just stay away from here. Your world can change, you have become closer with your family, making new friends.

Hope things continue to get better for you.


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