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Lost & confused

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Old 05-30-2011, 02:45 PM   #1
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Miami, Fl
Posts: 2
Luvv2 HB User
Lost & confused

I recently broke up with my husband of 14 years after I found out he cheated on me. Our relationship seem to go down hill a little over a year ago. He stopped going to work and wanted to party all night. I started noticing him playing with his nose constantly. It was either running or stuffy and when ever I confronted him he said it was allergies or a cold. We've had numerous arguments because he changed so much. He no longer had any time for my daughter and I. He just became so lazy I could not even get him to take the garbage out. I loved him so much and begged him to tell me why he had changed so much. He would never give me a straight answer, but said he would work on himself soon. I wanted to give him a chance because he had been a good person all of these years and you just don't give up on a person when they are down, but then that horrible night came about 2 months ago when I found text messages confirming he was cheating. I had realize my suspicions of cocaine use and cheating were true. The first couple of days of us breaking up he really seem to regret it, but then he changed and became pretty nasty about it making it seem like it was my fault. It's been very hard for me to get in touch with him because he does not want to talk about the situation. My daughter cried so bad about 2 weeks ago that he finally came over. He tried to comfort her, but could not look me in the eyes. When I finally got my few minutes alone with him I asked him about the coke, but he still would not confess. The other day I got to see him again and he finally confessed he has been using cocaine with girl he cheated on me with. I asked him about getting help and our future as a family, but all he said is that he still loves me, but feels he needs time alone so he could work on himself and maybe we could have a future. I'm not stupid I know he's not going to work on himself or be alone. I know he will have more freedom then ever to use sense they are both using together. I love him so much and miss us as a family, but what I want to know is there any way I can encourage him to get help or at this point is there nothing I can do. Do I need to move on with my life and except the fact he has chosen another route.

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Old 05-31-2011, 06:37 AM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: DAVISON, MI
Posts: 82
~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User~Carolyn~ HB User
Re: Lost & confused

Im so sorry for the rough time you and your family are going through right now--I got lots of experience and would like to share a couple thoughts--First off I have been in your daughters sistuation as a child--dealing w a parent(S) who are addicts and alcoholics--Kudos to u for being clean--You are the once who is gonna save your daughter and beable to set good examples and be the good parent she needs. Your Husband in the other hand isnt thinking about anyone but himself right now. I was once in the same situation believe it or not...We split up abou 7 months total. He acted the same exact way is your husband did--blamed it all on me. I became obsessed with every move he made and drove my family and myself crazy. All it did was add more spring to his step-jerkoff!! Evertime he picked up my daughter from my dads( he watched her while i worked) Id call and ask my dad a million questions--My dad finallly said I need to stop it--That its so obvious that im calling and checking up and i look stupid because he sure didnt care.. So finnally after being split for 5 months i started dating a really nice guy and quit bothering my ex and quit contact all together with him other then questions about r kid.... Thats all it took. As soon as he realised i was happy and i didnt care what he was doing anymore. I was out dating and having fun everyother weekend when he had our daughter. Thats when he came around...its up to u at that point if u really wanna take him back.

Ya see a lot of people posting on boards about other peoples addictions and what they can do to help them? No one can make someone stop-- It take a person to hit rock bottom and when they look up and no ones there anymore to help them or fix things and make it easy on them by forgiving all there mistakes. This is the time when they need to look deep inside themselves and find the strength in themselves to make their life right again. No one can do it but him. He will realize --hopefully its not to late for you. Trust me as soon as u stop calling and worrying about him and u and your daughter start smiling again thats when he will be back to test you.

Keep your head up girl---Good thinks will come your way for you and your daughter. Everything happens for a reason. She deserves to be happy all the time--sounds like when hes around your all walking on eggshells depending on his buzz.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-01-2012 at 01:38 PM.

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Luvv2 (06-01-2011)
Old 05-31-2011, 10:57 AM   #3
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 1,625
ozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB Userozzybug HB User
Re: Lost & confused

Oh Luvv2- It's a terrible place to be, having to watch the man you love destroy his health & his family. I can truly sympathize with you. I just posted on another thread about a wife dealing with her husband's addictions, so I won't re-hash all the details.

I will tell you that it's very common for addicts to avoid the people who love them, and it's also very common for them to try & take the spotlight off themselves & divert or lay the blame & guilt on others. They do this so they don't have to deal with the guilt. They also do it because they know that if the person/people who love them feel guilty, they are less likely to confront them & make them face the fact that they have a problem. Addicts don't want to admit they have a problem because if they do, then that means they have to make changes. It means the people who love them so dearly will expect them to make changes. Sometimes it's the shame that keeps them from admitting there's a problem too.

Admitting there is a problem & stopping use of their substance of choice is a scarey reality- sometimes because of the fear of withdrawals or even failure, sometimes because they simply don't want to quit using.

Luvv, unless your husband is ready to admit he has a problem, and TRULY mean it, nothing you say or do will make a difference. You will be the one suffering while he continues down this path of addiction. You will be the one losing sleep and worrying, not him. It's not easy, but right now you have to focus on your children & you have to move forward for yourself as well as your little ones. Maybe your husband will see the light when you show him you will not suffer because of his addictions & his choices and make a decision to get clean. If losing his family & his wife is his rock-bottom, then he will make some changes, but sweetie, if that isn't his rock-bottom then you will have to find a way to stay strong & healthy for yourself so you can provide a stable environment for your children. I know it was probably the hardest thing in the world for you to make him leave, but I feel you did the right thing. It's not fair to you nor your children to live your lives watching him ruin his.

You will find so much support here, so please continue to seek comfort, advice & support from the very kind people here!


Last edited by ozzybug; 05-31-2011 at 11:01 AM.

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Luvv2 (06-01-2011)
Old 06-01-2011, 06:13 AM   #4
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Miami, Fl
Posts: 2
Luvv2 HB User
Re: Lost & confused

Thank you both for your concerns, kind words, & experiences. Carolyn Love as you described in your post I too have obsessed over his every move. Day after day I wonder how much coke he is doing, who he's with & will something bad happen to him. I then also become angry & wonder how could he do this to my daughter and I. I have driven myself crazy wondering when he first started and maybe I should have done something different.

I think about our past & future, thinking about all the holidays we spent together and all the holidays we won't spend together. I know he has to hit rock bottom, but I wish there was something I could do. It worries me that he has this other woman in his life that accepts this life style because she lives it too. My husband was a good man and seemed happy in his life. I do know he had ambitions in his life that did not happen as he thought they should. I remembered one time he was past up for a for promotion at work & that really bothered him. We used to always talk, but I guess he kept some of his true feelings away from me & maybe then his out look on life changed. He is a totally different person now and now I have to figure out how to get through this because this situation is really draining me.

Last edited by Administrator; 10-01-2012 at 01:39 PM.

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~Carolyn~ (06-04-2011)
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