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A shattered codependent

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Old 07-04-2012, 04:34 AM   #1
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Italy
Posts: 1
Cucciola HB User
A shattered codependent


I find myself having so many symptoms of codependency: I feel responsible for other people's feelings,thoughts,actions,and ultimate destiny.I anticipate other people's needs and feel bad that others don't do the same for me. I do more than my fair share of the work,and do things other people are capable of doing for themselves.I don't know what I want and need,or tell myself it is not important.I'm a people pleaser.I get depressed from a lack of compliments and praise.I take things personally.I feel easily guilty.I appear very controlled.I desperately seek love and attention and can lie or invent things to get it.
I know that, since I can remember, I wanted to please my dad, I even got a law degree to please him, only to end up not practicing law because I didn't feel like arguing with people. But I can't remember he ever being abusive, not even verbally to me or my brother.

My boyfriend (I'm 45 but I don't know any other word in English for someone you live with and who's not your husband) is very critical of my parents and, in time, my best solution was to avoid any further contact between them, so that I can prevent being in the middle of issues between him and my father (their personality is very similar). I know, I know.... this last sentence also says a lot about my choices of men. Actually, I first married a man whose personality was very accomodating, who would always and only give in to my requests and considered me a goddess but then (my greatest source of guilt ever) I ended up falling in love with someone (my new companion) who was entirely different, thus leaving my husband for him. God only know why!!!! In the beginning our relationship was hell:I actually missed being pampered and spoiled, while I found my new companion selfish and often felt not loved. Can you believe it? After the mess I had created to be with them? I can't count the times that we broke up, but then came back together.

Today I decided to register to this forum because one further thing happened that made my family situaton even more difficult: my brother was notified a sentence about a very old economic fraud he had committed in 2006. The trial went through its long route and only today became definitive. He was added 6 more months of jail. He was supposed to leave jail on August1st(less than a month!!), while now it will be February 1st. I can’t even start telling you my parents’ psychological state, their sufference, especially since we all know that he’s not in the condition to cope with this. He tried to commit suicide and is just not in the condition to manage this. Oh, I’ve always, always avoided the question WHY in my life, but I can’t help myself now. As I said, I don’t expect you to have any answer and I know I’m taking advantage of your patience and availability, but I had to tell someone. I’m tired to be strong, I’m tired to cope with this, I’m tired to go on with this life of sorrow, the kind of sorrow that you can’t even talk to friends about, since you’re too ashamed to. Any other source of anguish, even illness, can find comfort when shared, while this is the worst condition of all: anguish and shame mixed together!!!
I’m shattered! This has been going on since we were teenagers: some doctor said that my brother, an extraintelligent and handsome boy, had some sociopathic problem, but he never accepted to do any psychologic or psychiatric therapy and my family had a very hard time accepting it as well. After all, what he did was just destroying himself and our family. He did all sort of mess that you can think of, ANY kind of fraud and economic mess and consider that he didn't need it at all! He delapidated so much money since then, that he could have lived his all life without working!!! My parents just happened to love him too much, so they avoided the most obvious thing: let him pay for what he did, so he ended up in jail ONLY 2 years ago, but having piled up so much mess that we don't even know what can still happen, neither his own attorneys know, since he kept denying and hide what he did till the end. Before going to jail, probably out of fear, he also started drinking too much!! He's got 2 beautiful sons (14 and 4 years old) and a wife whose role in his life has never been very clear to me: I turn from thinking that she only hopes to get as much as is left of my parents' money and thinking that, after all, she's another victim (but being as strong as she is, I have some doubts about it). Oh, I can't bear seing my parents like that and I can't think of what can happen. I don't feel like I deserve help from above, but I hope the Lord will at least have pity of my parents....

My question is: I had two wonderful parents and they didn't give me or my brother anything but love,but my brother is actually in jail for fraud and I have such problems so my life isn't exactly good.What was wrong? I can see a lot of my symptoms in my dad, who looks like a very secure and controlled person, but today I can see how insicure he is: is that enough to explain all this mess? What can I do?

Last edited by Administrator; 07-12-2012 at 09:48 PM.

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Beanling (07-11-2012)
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Old 07-11-2012, 02:13 AM   #2
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Cape Town, Western Cape, South Africa
Posts: 8
Beanling HB User
re: A shattered codependent

I just want you to know that I read every word, and I am so so sorry for you. I can understand how you wanted something more passionate from life and so left your 1st husband but I cannot also help thinking it was a bad decision. Your new husband sounds like he has your emotions wound up very tight and he doesn't realize how much anxiety this creates. If you don't feel loved, you need to leave. Life is too short to be someone else's servant and never get any appreciation for it. If your relationship now is creating distance between you and your parents I think you should take whatever hard steps you must take to change things. Your husband can always leave you for another woman, but your parents will always have your back - as long as you don't estrange them. Your brother sounds like he's made some very bad decisions and still has a lot to learn about how to make his life smooth and easy. It's right to care about him and feel sorry for him. It's right to try and advise him and visit him in Prison, and to not let your anger with him destroy your relationship with him. But his mistakes are NOT your responsibility, you have to flush them out of your mind so that you can be free and happy. Sometimes when I feel like there is just too much stress in my head, I go somewhere alone and sit somewhere beautiful with very relaxing music. I close my eyes and allow my brain to jump from one thought to the next, I never try to suppress any worry or tell myself, "stop thinking about that". I just let my head go onto whatever worry it needs to think about. I do not try to control which topic my brain jumps to, or guide the process of my thoughts. It can feel very scattered at first but if you do this for an hour it is like taking all of the chaos in your brain and filing it into neat organized piles. You must not lie down while you do it. Sit with a straight back and legs crossed or comfortable. Keep your eyes closed the whole time. It really really helps me, and I think you should try it. Afterwards you feel very relaxed and may even want to have a nap, if you have the time to, you should take this nap.

Last edited by Administrator; 07-12-2012 at 09:51 PM.

Old 08-23-2012, 01:34 PM   #3
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Poplar Bluff, MO
Posts: 56
jasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB Userjasmine76apl HB User
Re: A shattered codependent

Wow!!!! I'm so sorry for all the turmoil you have in your life and I can only imagine how you are managing to deal with it. I must agree with the other response in the sense that you need to get right with your family and if the relationship you are in now prevents you from being close with your parents then I would seriously question why and I think you already know the solution to that problem.

I have to say that after reading your post it's caused me to do a lot of thinking about my own life and a situation I found myself in. It has to be very difficult to realize you've burnt a bridge and now sorely regret doing that. Thank you for sharing your story with us and I wish you all the best and don't think that you don't deserve GOD's love and understanding. I read something that really made me think of my own situation too...."The Lord does not require you to be strong, you can walk in brokenness to him."

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