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What IS this I'm going thru?

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Old 01-07-2013, 09:55 AM   #1
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What IS this I'm going thru?

My Fiance and I were out to dinner with our daughter. He ended a phone call with his mom and I said, "I'm glad you spoke to her about Christmas. She called me a while ago and I never called her back, waiting for you to deal with this because I didn't want to get caught in the middle."

At that point his face turned to stone. He said, "You're very RUDE not to return her call. Why would you not return her call and
I said, "Never mind the 4 or 5 A DAY I DO return?" At that point he was mad beyond mad.

I got a cold shoulder over the rest of dinner; at one point he got up and left us for a few minutes. My daughter asked me, "Is he leaving us here?" because he took his keys.

He came back; more silent treatment (on both sides - I knew better than to say anything). We get in the car to head home and he unloaded on me, everything from how "rude" I am for not returning one call, to how we're "NOT a team; we are NEVER going to get married if you're going to be like this! There's no UNITY here, this is a joke."

He then went off that my cell phone is "always" going off and how immature I am for getting "non-stop texts from 10am until midnight" (sidenote - that's NOT true and I have the lack of texts to prove it).


I said with a very raised voice, "MAN UP and deal with the issue at hand - quit bringing up all this irrelevant stuff!"

He lost it.


This is all in the car, with our daughter. When he said that she LOST it.

I blacked out with rage. <removed>

While I'm back there with her he said, "I don't know why you're back there comforting her - all you do is COMPLAIN about her!"

After lowering myself to make that comment about his mom I just shut up. I'm so mad at myself for raging and not taking the high road.

Long after our daughter went to bed he kept raging, insulting my family, me, calling me a b!tch a few more times. And of course blamed me how what I said was so much worse and inexcusable vs. what he said to me all night... I'm just sick over it all that his behavior is making me lose my sense of decorum, of judgment. And in front of our daughter!! Ugh.

This is not our first fierce fight - this has been a pattern for a number of years. Always initiated by him, but then he'll turn around and tell me what a "fighter" I am because "I won't back down" when he flares up at me. I'm clearly as insane as he is.

I'm conflicted and confused why I keep trying to justify this, rationalize this, accept this. I keep getting sucked into the "I'm sorrys" and "please don't let this ruin us - YOU have to LET IT GO."

After the fact he is contrite, rational, apologetic I almost don't believe he truly realizes how hurtful his emotional explosions are, and that I think I AM justified in being extremely hurt and cautious with him for weeks/months after the fact... All of a sudden I'm "not letting things go" because I don't want to be inimate with him, share things, see each other, etc. He also makes me think I'm crazy, as he'll say, "Well YOU said this {nasty comment}," and I FEEL with every fiber of my being that I DID NOT say what he's saying I did as I remember what I say, because I mean and own what I say.

I guess I just want to talk this out with impartial people to my situation. I need to figure out what to do, how to handle it. It SHOULD be black and white to me, but somehow it's not.

Any thoughts/advice/questions would be welcome.

Last edited by Administrator; 01-08-2013 at 10:48 AM.

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Old 03-01-2013, 02:04 PM   #2
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Re: What IS this I'm going thru?

you ask what IS this you're going thru?
it's ABUSE, plain and simple.....ABUSE....
please reconsider marrying this man, and remove your daughter and yourself from his life.....

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