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Realization That I Am SO Codependent

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Old 04-10-2013, 11:20 AM   #1
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1
cult HB User
Realization That I Am SO Codependent

Just this week I have been forced to realize that I am enabling my partner and allowing her to turn my life upside down and sideways no matter how much it hurts me or how little consideration she shows me. I go along with everything my partner wants. Recently this included paying every bill in the house because she refuses to work. She has now decided that she needs to relocate to a city 1500 miles away to revive her career, she will not even consider finding a local position. She made the decision without my knowledge, without even talking to me about it, and she did not ask me to accompany her. I told her I would accompany her and she seemed pleased but the truth is I cannot accompany her, I am working, my mother is elderly and I have other family and friends here who I love. But when faced with losing her I just go insane. I seem to believe that I cannot live without her. I am in the throes of the most intense grief I have experienced since my father died. Our relationship was so good once upon a time and now it is so toxic I cannot bear to contemplate it. Lots of bad decisions and my codependency are the reasons. I thought my codependency was in the past because at first it seemed like this relationship was so healthy and in the beginning it was, but now I must say this is the sickest situation I have ever found myself in. I love her so much and I don't know what to do. I must say that I am confused about how much is love and how much is codependency.And I can say my partner is not acting like she loves me or that she wants to be with me. We have been together 10 years. I always thought we would be together forever.....

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Old 06-10-2013, 07:19 PM   #2
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Minneapolis, MN USA
Posts: 428
kittyroo HB User
Re: Realization That I Am SO Codependent

Wow. You could be writing about my life. I am in the exact same boat as you. I haven't the slightest idea how I've come to be so codependent on my girlfriend, either. Not the foggiest clue. I just know I'm miserable and I know in my heart of hearts that we are bad for each other and should probably split up. BUt the thought of loosing her makes me hyperventilate with panic. I love her so much, its ridiculous. The only other people I love as much as I love her are my kids. Like right now, as I type this, I'm pretty sure she's out with another women. I feel sick with anxiety. I've alienated family, my co-workers and countless others to be with her. I wish I could tell you what to do. I wish I had some advice for you. I guess just know that you're not alone and we'll get through this somehow or another. I'd hug you if I could.

Old 08-11-2013, 11:32 AM   #3
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Essex England
Posts: 2
becomingwell HB User
Re: Realization That I Am SO Codependent

THe grief sounds very natural, after all as a co dependent your wellbeing is based upon satisfying another.

And by putting your own needs first you are behaving in a healthy way, but you have to suffer the emotional consequences, these emotions are the same emotions which impacted on you in childhood when you were compelled by your caregiver to put their needs first, hence creating the codependent you. these emotions are healthy and a counselor would probably offer you help in managing to sit with them so that you can come out the other side confident that you can survive this seperation trauma.

having satisfied yourself you can survive, you can use the knowledge to help you make decisions with yourself as a priority , and not with the fear of abandonment as your motivator.

It's possible of course that in refusing to follow her, you might trigger her 'abandonment' fears and she may not be able to leave you, and thus you have created a change in the relationship.

If this relationship is to succeed you need to be more authentic, and unfortunatly authenticity does include going solo as an option.

I empathise with your struggle and suggest trying some mindfullness tequniques, to help with the grief, and counseling to combat the codependency issues

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