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  • I hate my boyfriend but...

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    Old 02-18-2014, 08:02 AM   #1
    Beeutiful
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    Join Date: Feb 2014
    Location: Anaheim,CA, United States
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    Beeutiful HB User
    Unhappy I hate my boyfriend but...

    Hi, I have been having trouble with my boyfriend lately, or so it seems...
    My boyfriend is better at everything than me. He's a great Artist, he's amazing at it. Before I met him, I always tried my hardest to draw as good as he does, he's a natural. He always surprised me every time he drew.He's also great at playing the guitar....I taught myself how to play guitar, but so did he! In less than 3months he was able to play stairway to heaven... and it shocks me so much.

    I know I don't hate my boyfriend, and these issues come within myself. I'm insecure, and really jealous. I feel bad for him because I know that he cares a lot about me. My Envy is gotten so serious lately, that I get so jealous to the point where I don't want to see him at all, or ignore him... It's even harder for me because we live together.

    I had a talk with him about this, where I confessed to him, how insecure I am.
    In case you're all wondering, I've been bullied since I was 8 years old. I have a skin condition on my face called Tuberous Sclerosis. And was always made fun of. As I got older, I realized how often I was depressed. I stopped doing all the things I loved because people judged me, and told me how worthless I was. It got to my head over the years and I stopped ever trying to do anything I loved. I never gave my 100% on anything.

    Now that I'm older I regret it. There's many things I wish I was better at now.
    And I feel so stupid for ever even listening to people that didn't even give a damn about me.
    Now I have comparison issues, I compare myself( and everything I do!) to other people's work. I constantly compare my drawings to my boyfriend, and how good I play guitar, even though I've only been playing for 4months. And just recently he started drawing on the computer.... and I've been drawing on the computer since I was 11 years old. And he's already better at it...

    My poor boyfriend, all these issues are my fault and I take them out on him.
    I know you're all going to judge me for this, but I feel like I've need to relief my misery.

    I told him the truth, but he keeps saying how much he cares for me... I know that he's not completely happy, and I know he could find someone better...

    I feel so sad...and even right now I feel useless I have no talents at all. I hate myself and I've been depressed again... I honestly hate myself so bad... I am never proud of anything I do. Probably the only thing I'm happy I do is how good I'm at rollerblading... but that's not useful at all.

    There is no excuse for how I treat my boyfriend, I just feel that these issues I have might be because of my bullying and although I acknowledge why, I can't seem to stop these emotions. I've tried so hard but for some freaking reason I always go back to it. I wish there was something I could do...

    I've tried counseling, writing my feelings down, writing all the things I'm able to do to try to make myself feel better, I tried listening to happy lyrics and music, I've tried just trying to get out of this pessimistic mentality...but somehow it all backfired.

    Please someone...help me?

    Last edited by Administrator; 02-18-2014 at 08:44 AM.

     
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