It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Death & Dying Message Board

Guilt about my Mum's death


Post New Thread   Reply Reply
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
Old 02-21-2017, 03:35 AM   #1
TimeTravel
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 3
TimeTravel HB User
Guilt about my Mum's death

Greetings from India. My dear Mum passed away recently and I have been wracked with guilt ever since. I don't think anyone could have been a more arrogant, inconsiderate and selfish daughter than me. So I had been living with my parents since the last 4 months. In those 4 months, I gave them a torrid time sulking and storming off to my room over numerous issues. I am ashamed to say I can't even excuse myself being a teenager since I am a grand old 31. What makes it worse is that my Mum had become kinda bedridden, not going out much anywhere. She had diabetes and schizophrenia which was managed by pills. I knew that her condition wasn't good, yet I would subject my parents to my furious rants which were unwarranted. So two days before she was admitted to the hospital, I was angry at her over some trivial matter and refused to talk to her. Her concerned, frail, upset face still haunts me. She had become weak and wasn't eating much. Finally on Tuesday my Dad decided to take her to the hospital. He even asked me to take leave from office for help. I rudely refused, saying I am not going to waste a leave for that. Later in the evening I came to know she was admitted. Still I refused to visit her for four days. The hospital visits had become a half yearly affair in the last two to three years and I thought here's yet another two week long vigil I will need to spend at the hospital. I thought she will be fine as usual after two weeks. Thankfully once Saturday came I started visiting her. I still didn't think anything was that serious. Two weeks went by and she was sort of ok: Out of ICU and in the general ward. I had been on leave and decided I should go to the office today. Bear in mind I actually had no work whatsoever being on bench for six months, no project to work on and no manager asking for my whereabouts. My only motivation was that I wanted to save on my leaves and could spend a quick 3.5 mandatory hours in office plus two hours in travelling and come back. I was in the room with my Mum and it was 11:55. I decided I would take the 12:15 company bus to office which was the last one. Just then my Mum asked me to massage her back since it was paining. I only later came to know she had cancer too which makes everything worse. I massaged her back and at 12:10 told her I had to leave since I had to go to office and that Dad would be there in another 10 minutes. She said ok and I went off. I loitered around in the office and came back to the hospital at 6, only to learn that she hadn't eaten a morsel of food or drunk a drop of water. It seems that she had become angry that I went off, since I was massaging her back just the way she wanted and unfortunately Dad couldn't do so in the same way. How abandoned she must have felt. How selfish I had been just to save a few leaves. The next day too she hardly ate anything, due to which she had to be moved to ICU to be feed through tubes. Until that fateful day when I left her she had been progressing along fine. After that I don't think she really recovered. Her urine output started decreasing until one day she slipped into unconsciousness. They carried out dialysis on her once which did not show any improvement. When they tried a second time, she had a cardiac arrest and passed away. During her stay, the doctors also suspected she had stomach cancer which was surprising, since she had already been tested last year and nothing had been discovered. I now begin to feel that I caused her cancer with my numerous fights which must have distressed her. They may also weakened her heart, which was already 40 percent weak, due to which she couldn't withstand the dialysis. It's no coincidence that just 4 months after my parents shifted with me, she passed away. She had been quite worried about me refusing to get married too and even in her last days just kept repeating that I should get married. No doubt all this must have weakened her. Even if I dismiss this as just flights of fancy, I still can't excuse my rude, horrible behaviour and the fact that I sold my mother over for a few leaves. After all that she had done for her children, I couldn't even do such a small thing for her. Please help me as to how do I live with my guilt. Thank you for listening.

Last edited by TimeTravel; 02-21-2017 at 03:52 AM. Reason: Some more data added

 
Reply With Quote
The following user gives a hug of support to TimeTravel:
movielover40 (02-21-2017)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 02-21-2017, 06:57 AM   #2
rosequartz
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 11,158
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: Guilt about my Mum's death

I'm so sorry for your loss and also for your feelings of guilt. I'm sure your mom knew that you loved her. Guilt is one of the steps of grieving, it happens to everyone, so what you're feeling is fairly normal. Maybe write a letter to your mom and get your feelings all out, even though she won't read it, it will help you. Hugs, go easy on yourself, you've been thru a lot.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 02-21-2017, 09:31 AM   #3
TimeTravel
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 3
TimeTravel HB User
Re: Guilt about my Mum's death

Quote:
Originally Posted by rosequartz View Post
I'm so sorry for your loss and also for your feelings of guilt. I'm sure your mom knew that you loved her. Guilt is one of the steps of grieving, it happens to everyone, so what you're feeling is fairly normal. Maybe write a letter to your mom and get your feelings all out, even though she won't read it, it will help you. Hugs, go easy on yourself, you've been thru a lot.
Thanks rosequartz for your kind words

 
Reply With Quote
The following user gives a hug of support to TimeTravel:
rosequartz (02-21-2017)
Old 02-21-2017, 01:30 PM   #4
movielover40
Senior Veteran
(male)
 
Join Date: Oct 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 1,138
movielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB Usermovielover40 HB User
Re: Guilt about my Mum's death

You shouldn't blame yourself.

Your mother was living on borrowed time.

Do your best to keep her memory alive. Make a dedication or something in her name.

Best wishes to you and your father.

 
Reply With Quote
Old 02-22-2017, 03:34 AM   #5
TimeTravel
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 3
TimeTravel HB User
Re: Guilt about my Mum's death

Quote:
Originally Posted by movielover40 View Post
You shouldn't blame yourself.

Your mother was living on borrowed time.

Do your best to keep her memory alive. Make a dedication or something in her name.

Best wishes to you and your father.
Thank you for hug and support movielover40

 
Reply With Quote
Reply Reply




Thread Tools Search this Thread
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Sign Up Today!

Ask our community of thousands of members your health questions, and learn from others experiences. Join the conversation!

I want my free account

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 01:05 PM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2017 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!