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My father died 3 days ago..


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Old 05-30-2017, 03:19 PM   #1
queen716
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My father died 3 days ago..

I wrote a post a while back about my classmate/love interest dying and well now I'm writing about my father passing away 😢 my friend's lack of support angers me.

So my father died 3 days ago and 2 of my friends have offered sincere condolences, expect one of my other friends only said to me "I am sorry" and it really rubbed me the wrong way, because when she needs support I'm there for her. I told her yesterday morning he died and that's all she said. She has not asked me how I'm doing.

My other friend contributed it to her having her own issues to deal with (she has bi polar but out of respect for her I don't want to say anything further) But it takes 1 minute to contact someone and she hasn't tried once. In fact, she messaged me about something totally irrelevant and I told her what was going on. I'm suspicious of how she's acting, because when an old classmate of mine died a few months ago, I was upset and posting about it on F.B. and she told me I shouldn't post about it so much because "people who don't know you like I do might think you're looking for pity" and I really believe she was saying it was bothering HER that I was posting about it and that all I did was post about it. We were not friends for a few years because we had a fight over how I was posting about how I was trying to look weight and she said I should post about it on Twitter or in a journal so she doesn't have to see.

I have had several people, including coworkers, distant relatives, people I don't even talk to and her brother who I'm not friends with, tell me how very sorry they were to hear about my dad and asking how I was doing and all and my friend somehow can't do that. What should I do? I see her reaching out to others.

She's not even aware that he died the day BEFORE my birthday

Last edited by queen716; 05-30-2017 at 03:23 PM.

 
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Old 05-30-2017, 04:42 PM   #2
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

I am really sorry to hear that your dad passed. I went through it 2 years ago and it still hurts.

I know you are hurting...but you have to realize that unless someone has actually been through this, they may not know what to say..and I am sorry is all they can come up with. You also know by now, that this friend and you have had your differences before in communication. Dont expect anything from her, that way you wont be disappointed. Its hard to hear- but the truth is that the only people you can really count on are few and far between.

Right now, you should be taking care of yourself and your family...not worrying about anyone else or what they say or think...this is your time to grieve and do what you need to do to get through it.

I wish I could say it will get easier, but until quite a bit of time goes by, it really doesn't. You will wake up one day and not be thinking about this 24 hours a day, but until that happens, be good to yourself and to your family because you guys are the only ones who really matter right now.

Prayers for strength to you.....remember the good times with your dad and know he is still with you in your heart.

MSNik
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Old 05-30-2017, 05:08 PM   #3
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

I couldn't agree more.
I am SO SORRY to hear about your Dad's passing. Regarding your friend... she can only give you what she can give you, do you know what I mean? She obviously has a different way of looking at death than you do. Can she be more sympathetic? Maybe not! I know it's hard not to, but try not to have expectations of her comforting you.
Leave things with your friend be, for now. You have suffered quite a blow and your emotions are running very high, naturally. And if this becomes a deal breaker for you and the friendship is lost, then that's okay too. The world is made of all sorts of people, and some have far more empathy than others.
Hugs to you honey.

 
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Old 05-30-2017, 05:58 PM   #4
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

Just going to keep my distance unless she talks to me.

 
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Old 05-31-2017, 08:25 AM   #5
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

I'm sorry for your loss of your dad. Sometimes people don't know what to say so they don't say much, or even anything at all. That isn't right, but as someone said, if they haven't been thru it they don't really understand how important it is to acknowledge your grief. Was your dad sick? Was it sudden or unexpected? That makes it harder to accept if you have no warning, but anyway you look at it, it's never easy. Take care of yourself and your family and don't worry about your acquaintances......they don't really matter.

 
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Old 05-31-2017, 01:47 PM   #6
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

Great big hugs to you! Sorry to hear of your dad's passing and that you're feeling unsupported by your friends. Grief is such a topsy turvy subject and people deal with it so differently. Some people just clam up and don't know what to say or do, some people try to nervously make jokes and things to try brighten your day or talk about other things to give you that 2mins break from the weight of the grief laying upon you, others may distance themselves - especially if they have their own things going on, so they don't burden you, then there's the friends who are 100% there for you no matter what and know what to say and do in these situations. ((These are just some of the scenarios I have experienced, so I am sharing this with you to hopefully bring you a little peace)).

I do understand how it feels to have people around who feel unsupportive, but sometimes looking at some of the reasons above helps to clear things up a little.

All the best for the coming weeks!
Hugs!
DW.

Last edited by Dragonfly Wings; 05-31-2017 at 01:50 PM.

 
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Old 06-01-2017, 01:41 PM   #7
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

Just trying to be strong. When I don't think about it, it helps. Well my friend still hasn't tried to talk to me. Even if she thought I'd want space, she should still try to check on me to see how I'm doing. And she hasn't and I'm okay with that kinda. Maybe it's best if she doesn't because she probably has an issue with me posting about my dad on F.B. like she did those other times. It's really pety honestly.

 
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Old 06-01-2017, 01:46 PM   #8
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

Sorry to hear she's still avoiding you, I was kinda hoping I would come back in and hear she'd stood up to the plate. My apologies in advance, but from what you've initially said and repeated just now, she does sound a little selfish and perhaps even jealous of the attention you may receive?

Either way, I hope you have yourself surrounded by those who love and care for you during this sad time.

Big hugs to you! May your Dad rest in peace <3
DW.

 
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Old 06-02-2017, 05:18 PM   #9
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dragonfly Wings View Post
Sorry to hear she's still avoiding you, I was kinda hoping I would come back in and hear she'd stood up to the plate. My apologies in advance, but from what you've initially said and repeated just now, she does sound a little selfish and perhaps even jealous of the attention you may receive?

Either way, I hope you have yourself surrounded by those who love and care for you during this sad time.

Big hugs to you! May your Dad rest in peace <3
DW.
Pretty angry I won't lie. I know she's going through her own stuff, but it takes a minute to see how someone's doing and it makes me think twice about being there for her in the future. I'm sorry. If the shoe was on the other foot, she'd expect me to be there for her. Having her post about how it's ok to ask for help and posting a photo of her bf kissing her cheek on F.B. on my birthday but she can't find time to talk to me, yeah it's worth avoiding.

 
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Old 06-04-2017, 07:06 AM   #10
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

My friend contacted me last night, first to ask me what I did to my hair (I colored it), then asked if I was mad at her and then began to express sympathy​ for my situation. I didn't want to tell her I was a bit annoyed with her because I wanted to keep the peace. But once we started talking about my situation, she began talking about her own. Saying that it's not that she didn't want to be supportive, but that she's still dealing with her own "demons" and she just kept going on and on about it, before she started talking about me again. I don't want to seem selfish or anything, but if you're contacting me to talk about ME losing my father then you shouldn't go on and on about what's going on with you. I understand she's had a rough time, but she has it better than other people do. She can go get help, she has a job, has a good boyfriend, family and friends that love and support her. She has those things, but I can't change what happen to my dad. All I can do is grief, move on, be stronger and remember him.

While I was appreciative and grateful that she did acknowledge what was going on with me, it still left a sour taste in my mouth. I don't want to seem pety or selfish if anyone understands what I mean. But I was there for her when she needed me and when we would talk about what was going on with her, I rarely brought anything up about myself unless she asked.

 
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Old 06-11-2017, 11:59 PM   #11
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Re: My father died 3 days ago..

Dearest queenie,

It's terrible to lose a father even a bad one, because it is so final. Dot. End of story. No chance of anything else; no chance of anything more.

I lost mine at age five, and back then he was the only person that was really capable of being there for me. One day he was home, the next he was gone. No one took me to school as he had done, no one hugged me or held my hand or helped me understand why he never came home. It seemed like he just disappeared and that I was invisible without him. No person filled that void. I feel it to this day. I long for him. I want him back. There is a certain part of me, that little girl, that died with him. It wasn't his fault, but there's a part of me that won't ever get that close again. The wound is now a giant scar. This is no one's fault. No one else can soothe it out of me. On the other hand the profound impact he had on me has kept me alive and moving along through all life has dealt me. It made me survive in spite of huge odds against me. I used to wish someone was always on my side, was always there for me in the same way. But no one else ever could fill his place. No one else did. In fact I never wanted to be that close again because everyone dies.

It would be nice if others that we would think would be there for us the way we hope for are there for us. Frankly, no one was ever there for me in a way that helped me with losing my father. There is just a certain empty place that only he could fill up. And now that I am a grandparent I understand that isn't anything that anyone can 'fix'. Having lived decades since my father died, I now can understand that people can only be there for us like we think we need if they have that to give. A friend can understand to a point but can never fill that empty place called father. And it's obvious you were not able to fill hers. This doesn't mean anything more than that you both are normal.

Maybe the day will come when you can understand her pain wasn't something you helped fix, just as she can't fix yours. It isn't your fault and it isn't her fault. I wish the two of you could wrap your arms around each other and just cry your own tears, because you can never know each other's real sorrow.

This reality doesn't mean she doesn't really care about you. She wishes she could fix your broken heart, and just knows from personal experience that she can't.

You can hold that against her, but I think it's really your dad you are upset with for leaving you. This is totally normal. He is the one that left.

It's so unfair. And how can we be angry at our fathers for dying? But, on the other hand, how can we not?

Love,
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Last edited by YaYagirl; 06-12-2017 at 12:01 AM.

 
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