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My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

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Old 02-27-2005, 10:02 PM   #1
veggie girl
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veggie girl HB User
My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

He has Parkinsons and is now at the stage where he can't move and can hardly converse. Lately he's been having trouble even swallowing and I think he's getting close to the end. Everytime my phone rings I'm dreading being told he's died.

I only see him once a year as I live in another country and travelling is so expensive. I don't know what to do - whether to give up my life in my new country and go back to live with my parents for a while. But, when I am home I just can't bear to visit him much coz I can't stand seeing him like that. I feel so selfish because I can't bear thinking about it. When I do think about it I just sit and sob. I feel like I'm grieving already. I just feel so bad for him being in the state hes' in and feel so bad for my mom who has to see him every day and face losing a husband. Even though we're not close or anything, the thought of my dad not existing any more is beyond my comprehension. I can't stop crying any time I think of him.

What breaks my heart the most is that he's only in his late 60s. He has worked hard his whole life and went into retirement a few years ago - this was suposed to be his time to relax and spend time gardening not stuck in a hospital bed suffering. He's been so healthy all his life and has worked so hard. Its so unfair that he should die so young.

Last edited by veggie girl; 02-27-2005 at 10:10 PM.

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Old 02-27-2005, 10:20 PM   #2
Join Date: Feb 2005
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chathamdb HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

If this was my father, i would do whatever it takes to be home with him and help take care of him. Im sure your mother is worn out from caring for him and as a daughter , i understand what stress it puts on a family. Do whatever you feel is in your heart. Your dad is sick and he needs you , your mom needs you. Im sure she would appreciate you being there for them both. Good luck and God bless you and your family.

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-19-2009 at 10:26 AM.

Old 02-27-2005, 10:31 PM   #3
Join Date: Aug 2004
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hannasnana HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

Hi Veggiegirl,
I know its very difficult to spend time with your father when he is in this condition, but you only have a little bit of time left to share your feelings about him with him. Its a good time to say goodbye, give him hugs and tell him you love him. Your parents do need you right now. I think as you get older, you'll regret not going home when he was dieing.

Old 02-28-2005, 01:30 AM   #4
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Prayingmom HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

I agree with the others. If you can possible find a way to be there for your mom and to spend time with your dad, I know that you will never regret it. By the way, do you have siblings who live close to your parents? You say it is a far distance and expensive to get back--is there any way those obstacles can be overcome? There are programs where people donate frequent flier miles to those needing them--I don't know of how you find these--but check into things like that.
Thinking of you all.

Old 02-28-2005, 07:05 AM   #5
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Tiffyholman HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

My mom died on tues. of last week with ALS or lou gehrig's disease, and I took care of her with my Dad day and night since Nov. I wouldn't trade a second that I had with her, she was 55, and yes she was too young to die, but she's not suffering anymore, her funeral is today at 10.......... It will be nice to remember her how she was when she was healthy and so full of life. I agree with everyone else here, get home and spend as much of the precious moments you have left......... I'm so glad I did...... I'll be praying for strength for you, God is the only one that took me through this and he'll take you through too.

Old 03-19-2005, 10:08 AM   #6
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ekalexm HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

ditto most of the comments above. take the opportunity to speak to your mother and guage her feelings on it. your father is lucky to have a daughter that cares so much about him. telling your mum how you feel about the situation is a good start.

take care for now,

Old 03-19-2005, 11:06 AM   #7
Join Date: Feb 2002
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niecsey HB Userniecsey HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

Hi heartbreaking position to be in ,myself with hindsight after loosing my dad suddenly and not been able to say 'goodbye, love you, hold him, breathe him etc etc' l would be there like a shot if l had the chance again, l hadnt seen my dad for 2 weeks and l beat myself up over it you dont have to give your life up but put it on 'hold' honestly l regret not seeing my lovely lovely dad for 2 weeks before he suddenly died you only get 1 dad but dont beat yourself up... your heart will already be giving you the answer, take care thinking of you and everyone else whose been or going through the same thing xxx

Old 03-20-2005, 06:26 PM   #8
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Georgette HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

My husband and I went to the hospital to visit my dad the night before he died. He had been there for 2 ˝ weeks and I visited every day, but when we left, I knew that was it. At about 11PM that night I had an overwhelming feeling that I should go back to the hospital. My husband said he would check on him in the morning for me, so I decided not to go. Turns out my gut feelings were right – my mom called me at 4:30 the next morning to tell me he had died. That was almost four years ago, and not a day goes by that I hate myself for not listening to my heart and going back to the hospital to see him. I feel so guilty when I think about him being all by himself when he died, and it would have been different if I hadn’t been so lazy. I’m an only child and all my family is overseas, so it was always just me and my parents, which meant that with just one death half my family was gone.

So my best advice is to listen to your heart, because it will tell you when your dad needs you. I miss mine so much. The waterworks are starting, it doesn’t take much…I never used to be a weepy person but since my dad left it only takes about ten seconds for me to start.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Old 03-20-2005, 06:42 PM   #9
Join Date: Mar 2005
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jerseymom HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

i know exactly what you are going through,i just lost my father 2 yrs ago he too was 55.although he did not die from parkinsons his life was takin by a few incompetent doctors. watching my father suffer and die for 2 yrs was one of the hardest things i had to do in my life so far. when we found out he was almost at the level to leave i held my father and felt his chest rise for the last the time i thought my world had ended not haveing him around no more and feeling him leave me was more than i could take, i today couldnt be more happier today knowing i was there for him for his passing. if you dont get there to be with him to say your final goodbyes you will regret it so much more than you do now. do your self a huge favor go to your father be there for him, it may hurt now but i promise it will get easier and your heart will be uplifted in the years to come. my prayers are with you God bless

Old 03-21-2005, 12:37 PM   #10
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ryka HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

I am in the same situation as you, only my father has MS. We also live far from eachother, however I decided to make the trip and go and visit him. It was the hardest thing that I have ever done. Before I left he thnked me for coming to see him and told me that "he could die now that he was able to see me." I would go and see him one last time before he dies, but you don't have to give up your life in a new country because I am sure that he would not want his death to get in the way of that.

Old 05-29-2007, 03:50 AM   #11
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cher1052 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

veggiegirl, I have to agree with everyone that has has responded-go see your father...I noticed you wrote you weren't too close with him-go see him-say goodbye to him. I was lucky to live close to my mom-she passed away from nslc last year-and she hung on until ALL of her children and ALL of her grandchildren came to see her-she died about 15 minutes after she saw her last grandchild. Cherie Tiffy, This note is for you-I am so sorry to read that you lost your parent. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Cherie

Last edited by cher1052; 05-29-2007 at 03:10 PM.

Old 07-01-2007, 08:50 AM   #12
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Oleander53 HB UserOleander53 HB UserOleander53 HB User
Re: My dad is dying and I don't know what to do

Veggie Girl, Sorry this is so long................

My dad is 94 and matter how young or old they are they are our is going to hurt.......they are going to die and it is going to hurt bad. People say all the time to me He's lived a good life and that is true but it is still hard letting go of him...... Believe me I had one parent drop dead unexpectedly fairly young and now one that I am supposedly prepared for. It is really no easier....You are never prepared for how you will feel...........

I would ask myself what would your Dad want you to do? Would he want you to give up your life and come home? Can you live with the consequenses of not seeing him before he dies? Ask yourself those 2 questions......go with what your hearts says.........

In the last year I have lost my Boyfriend to a drowning, I was not there. My ex husband to cancer. I was there. Several childhood friends to cancer. I was not there........Dashed across Country 11 times because I was told my Dad was dying...he is still with us.............Just practicing LOL

My siblings and I have paid for my Dad's nursing care for the last 4 years to keep him in his home as he requested. When he made that request I am sure he never dreamed he would remain physically healthy and develope dementia....We have taken out loans, 2nd's on our homes, used every bit of vacation to see him every moment we could and pay for his caretakers. I do not regret it but I know my Dad would not have approved of that. My parents were very frugal. I now know we cannot keep him alive forever or control what will happen.I am relaxing a little about maybe not being there when he passes..I am accepting what is going to eventually happen whether I am there or not.......

While this is all going on with my Dad I am a single mom of 2 teens and one young adult......I live 1800 miles away from my dad and have a high stressful Corporate job that requires travel.....People expect much from me......It is hard...... you do not want to look selfish but there is only so much one person can do.......Someone has to keep paying the bills....I see my dad once a month..... that is pretty good for living 1800 miles away.

Tell your Dad over the phone that you love him..........send him a CD or tape of you telling him what you would like him to know or write him a letter and ask your mom to read it to him........tell him anything you want him to know.....

Read some books on death and dying and prepare start getting yourself prepared........

Sorry this is so long........ I hope it helps in some way.......I suffer terribly over my boyfriend who drowned last year......He had asked me to get married ....I had put him off because I was too busy with my father and children.......I so regret that. I told him maybe in the Fall......We never got that chance......It is a balancing act.....Live in the now the best you can. Go with your heart and your gut.......Do what is best for you and your Father.

Love, Oleander

Last edited by Mod-S4; 04-19-2009 at 10:26 AM.

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