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  • I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

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    Old 06-17-2005, 02:54 AM   #1
    architectchick
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    I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    I just signed up here because I really don't have anybody to talk to about my fathers death because of course my friends wouldn't understand what i'm going through because they've never been in my situtation before. My father passed away in December of last year and sometimes I would be okay but sometimes I would break down and cry and just get really depressed. My father lost his sight 2 years ago and was diabetic but other than that, he seemed to be healthy. In September he had a stroke and the doctor told our family that he was in a coma and he wasn't going to make it. He was in a coma for about 2 weeks and he finally woke up and it was a miracle that he woke up from the coma. Even the doctors were amazed. Anyways, he was starting to recover and he started communicating with us by using his hands and writing to us and he started improving and so the doctors told us that he didn't need to be in the ICU anymore and transfered him to a different hospital. Over there, the nurses and the doctors were never around so our family had to be there to watch him all the time. So he started slowly improving and went through physical theraphy and all that until one day, his feeding tube just popped out. I wasn't there when that happened but my mom called me from the hospital telling me what has happened and told me to rush to the hospital. I had plans that night and I didn't want to cancel so I just called the hospital to see if he was going to be okay. The nurse told me that it wasn't a big deal so I thought that he was going to be okay. The very next day, he got extremely sick because the nurse didn't insert the feeding tube correctly and there was an infection and so he was transfered back to the ICU. He passed away later that day and it seems like it was all my fault beause I should have been there for him when his feeding tube popped out. I should have cancelled my stupid plans. I really hate myself for that and I can't forgive myself. I can't believe how selfish and stupid I was. Gosh, I miss him so much and I wonder if he'll ever forgive me.

     
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    Old 06-17-2005, 10:36 PM   #2
    kwadley
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    Dear AChick,
    Please do not continue to torture yourself in this way. Grief is a funny thing. There are stages of grief that you will move through and there is no skipping any of those stages. I tried and I was right back where I started. Get some grief counseling. The funeral home that took care of your family at the time of your father's death should have an after-care program. Call them and find out. If they don't they can tell you where to find one.
    A personal recommendation is www.groww.com - it is a great support group and they are awake and posting at 2AM when we have been up all night crying and puking. You will find some comfort there.
    My personal opinon, for what it is worth.....your father's time had come. It sounds like a simple concept doesn't it? I believe that when our work on earth is done we are called "home" to a greater place than earth. I don't want to sound all preachy and sanctimonious but I find that concept very comforting. Your father would not want you to be having these feelings and I'm sure that if he could talk to you he would tell you that.
    I hope this helps a little. It is hard, I know. I had 6 losses in 2 years. All were close but the closest were my sister and my husband. If you want to talk I'm willing to listen and share what I can with you. Good luck and God Bless.

     
    Old 07-01-2005, 12:04 AM   #3
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    architectchick, I am sorry to hear about your dad.

    When my dad was dying, my mother, sister and I spent nearly 2 whole days at his bedside so that he wouldn't die alone. Noticing how important this was to my mother, my sister and I planned on doing the same when it would be HER time.

    8 years after our father's death, our mother succumbed to her own illnesses. My sister and I had both visited her in the hospital that day, on separate occassions. We knew she wasn't doing too well but did not think she was THAT bad, and so neither of us stayed by her side for more than a couple of hours. That night the hospital called and said she was doing very poorly and for us to please hurry to the hospital. My sister came quickly to pick me up and mentioned that she felt terrible because here our mother was dying and she was at home drinking beer. I told her not to feel too bad because I myself, was stoned. We got to the hospital in under 10 minutes and she was already gone. We never made it. We ended up bawling our apologies to her dead body for over an hour, so sorry that neither of us were there to be with her in the end, and sorry for the state in which we showed up (although by then we were both completely sober).

    My sister and I felt very guilty over the circumstances but have come to the understanding that perhaps this is just the way it was meant to be. Push come to shove, I don't think either of us would have been able to handle her death just standing there and being unable to do anything to help her. Maybe it's selfish, and yes it's sad, but agonizing and wondering isn't going to change anything. What's done is done.

    I miss my parents terribly too. I still can't believe they're gone.

     
    Old 07-17-2005, 10:13 AM   #4
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    Hi. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. My father passed away last year in Apirl. It's been very hard on me. I too feel very guilty and that I could have done more to help him. He too had a stoke. He was prefectly healthy except had developed a heart arrythymia that put him a risk for stroke about a year earlier.

    I had a bad fight with him about 10 days before this all happened, and had only spoken to him 2 times after the fight and we were kind of getting along. He was only 56. I've blamed myself a million times for causing him stress and not realizing he was at risk. I thought he just needed a pacemaker like my grandmother. I didn't know his condition was more serious and I've been mad at myself a lot for it.

    I know how you feel to feel so guilty, because you can't get them back and you miss them. But I've come to realize that there were many other things stressing my dad than me, and that the situation was really out of my control. I wish things would have been different, but in the end, his health condition was dangerous, and I didn't have anything to do with that. None of is was my fault.

    So in response to your post. Your father's health condition was very dangerous. It wasn't your fault at all. He was already having serious problems. And this may be hard to hear, but it sounds like he was really suffering. No sight, and on a feeding tube? Is this the way you wanted him to live? Is this the way he wanted to live? It sounds as if it were his time to go, even though this may be painful to hear. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.

    I hope this helps. Take care.

     
    Old 07-17-2005, 06:42 PM   #5
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    I understand the turmoil your under right now Architectchick. The death of someone as close to you as a father is hard to go by, and feeling responsible for one's death is more load to the pain. What we all must understand is death is not an ending but just another beginning. It is normal to feel responsible in some way when it comes to the death of a loved one, however, Deep down you know that your father would never want you to blame yourself for his death. The infection caused by the feeding tube was inevidable, weither or not you were there to put it in yourself or the nurse was to be the one to insert it, your father was meant to die that night. It's not such a bad thing, considering that your father was blind, diabetic and living off of a feeding tube....I can assure you he is happier now and wanting you to be happy as well.
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    Old 08-16-2005, 08:52 AM   #6
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    Please don't blame yourself. It's not your fault. Things happen for a reason. You checked with the nurse... you made the steps to see if he was ok...you called the nurse.
    So sorry about your loss.... I have lost my husband, mother and father all within 12 years and with each one in passing I have felt some guilt in some form or another. Like why did I not over ride my fathers and mother's wishes to call an ambulance when my mother was ill..... like driving over to my fathers house when there was no answer for hours...he lay on the floor unconsious....like why did I go home and have a shower when I sat for 20 hours with my dying husband...only for me get home 5 minutes later with a message from the hospital saying he passed away..... I was not there for him in his passing....but I was there for him all the other times.
    Take care and I hope you feel better soon!! (HUGS)

     
    Old 08-17-2005, 03:13 PM   #7
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    I'm very sorry to hear of your Fathers passing. My Father was a diabetic, and passed away 2 years ago last December. I offer this as something to think about. First you were not the one who would be reinserting the feeding tube - that was a nurses job all along. Second you wouldn't have known it was in wrong until he got infected, same as happened. So you were not the responsible party!!! There is nothing to forgive. He loves you, and if there were something that was your fault I'm sure he'd have already forgiven you. I believe that we continue after this life, and that we are in a place without physical pain. So I believe my Father and yours are in a better place now and not suffering. I have been diagnosed with a terminal disease, last December. They say the average life expectancy is 3 years after diagnosis, we'll see if they are right
    I'm not telling you this for sympathy, I'm fine with it, Really! I brought it up because I wanted to say that if I get to meet your father I'll tell him you love him and hope he is well! Feel better, you deserve it!

    Jeff

    Last edited by kd7cot; 08-17-2005 at 03:17 PM.

     
    Old 08-23-2005, 07:27 AM   #8
    daisy01
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    I also believe that sometimes our loved ones choose a time to pass when we arent around as if to spare us those last few moments. i thought I would share my story with you to perhaps give you some peace of mind and to let you know that things do happen that sometimes are way beyond our control

    my mum died 15 years ago, she was in hospital having her arteries cleaned out when she had a massive coronary on the operating table. They managed to revive her but she was on life support for 2 days afterwards. the doctors told us that she would never recover and it was time to switch off the machine. my sister and I discussed it and agreed it would be kinder to let mum go to dad who has passed 5 years before. My sister and I spent the whole of the next day sitting with her, holding her hand talking to her, she started to respond to us, even smiling and all her vital signs seemed to be improving. The drs said that there was a chance that she may just make it. We decided that as neither of us had eaten properly for 2 days we would go and get some food then come back to sit with mum. The nursing staff assured us that they would come and get us if anything happened. We had no sooner closed the door on the ITU when we could hear all this bleeping going on and then the Drs rushing to mums bed. We were locked out of the ward by now as the door had one of them entry phone things on it. by the time the door was opened it was obvious mum had gone. I really believe that she wanted to spare us the anxiety of her last few moments. The funny thing is she looked like she had a big smile on her face. My sister said that maybe dad had come to get her and she wanted her reunion with him to be private. I like this thought and hang on to it.
    I really hope this goes someway to putting this into perspective for you.
    my thoughts and prayers are with you.

     
    Old 08-27-2005, 01:31 PM   #9
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by architectchick
    I just signed up here because I really don't have anybody to talk to about my fathers death because of course my friends wouldn't understand what i'm going through because they've never been in my situtation before. My father passed away in December of last year and sometimes I would be okay but sometimes I would break down and cry and just get really depressed. My father lost his sight 2 years ago and was diabetic but other than that, he seemed to be healthy. In September he had a stroke and the doctor told our family that he was in a coma and he wasn't going to make it. He was in a coma for about 2 weeks and he finally woke up and it was a miracle that he woke up from the coma. Even the doctors were amazed. Anyways, he was starting to recover and he started communicating with us by using his hands and writing to us and he started improving and so the doctors told us that he didn't need to be in the ICU anymore and transfered him to a different hospital. Over there, the nurses and the doctors were never around so our family had to be there to watch him all the time. So he started slowly improving and went through physical theraphy and all that until one day, his feeding tube just popped out. I wasn't there when that happened but my mom called me from the hospital telling me what has happened and told me to rush to the hospital. I had plans that night and I didn't want to cancel so I just called the hospital to see if he was going to be okay. The nurse told me that it wasn't a big deal so I thought that he was going to be okay. The very next day, he got extremely sick because the nurse didn't insert the feeding tube correctly and there was an infection and so he was transfered back to the ICU. He passed away later that day and it seems like it was all my fault beause I should have been there for him when his feeding tube popped out. I should have cancelled my stupid plans. I really hate myself for that and I can't forgive myself. I can't believe how selfish and stupid I was. Gosh, I miss him so much and I wonder if he'll ever forgive me.

     
    Old 08-27-2005, 02:20 PM   #10
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    Unhappy Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    My dad was assaulted last year. I receiived a phone call to say what had happened. I went to see him straight away. He seemed to be fine. I stayed with him for a few hours and left as he had other friends and family here. The assault happened on saturday and i went to see him on monday. He was out of bed but having difficulty walking. He was stopping every few steps and you could see the pain on his face. I told him i would call out the doctor but he told me not to. He rarely ventured to the hospital unless he had a hospital appointment. I told him let me take him to the doctor but he ssaid no. He was very stubborn. I left him again. I received a phone call from a family member saying my dad wanted me to take him to the doctors. When i got there my dad said he did not need to go anymore. This time he was in extreme pain and using crutches. He was barely able to move. I persuaded him to let me take him to the doctors. He agreed but when i got there he told me to go inside and make an appointment for him. I was really angry and argued with him that i am not leaving here. Either he goes and see the doctor or i take him to the hospital. He told me to take him to the hospital. I took him to the nearest hospital. When i got there i was accused of asaulting my dad. They xrayed his leg and sent him home with asprin, paracetamol and a bandage. I went to see my dad again on the Thursday. Overnight he seemed to aged by 10 years. I took him straight back to the hospital. He was not seen for an hour he was very cold. ( this was last year august when the weather was in the 90s ). When he was seen all of a sudden everyone was humming over him and at that point i knew he was seriously ill. By the end of it they told me he would need an operation and that the people who would be able to deal with it are at another hospital. He was given a bed on the ward at about 5pm and told he would be transferred to the other hospital at about 7pm. I went home and told my mum anad brother. I did not tell my mum earlier as she is diabetic and on that day her diabetes was not under control. I slept for about 1 hour and made my way with my mum to the hospital. We met my brother there. When i saw my dad i could not stay as the doctors told me that there was a 90% chance he would not make it. I waited in the relatives room and kept on putting my head around the corner. I had expected my mum or my brother to call me when they took my dad down to theatre but they did not. About 4 hours later i receiced a call saying he was in ICU. I knew he was not going to make it as the doctors said if he had been bought there on the first occasion he would have make it but the septecaemia had progressed in that time. I blame myself as instead of taking him to the better hospital i took him to the nearest one as i did not want him to change his mind. What is hardest to deal with is that on the last hospital visit my dad asked me if he was going to die and i pretended not to hear him. Its also hard that i did not see him before he went for his op. I have only gone into his house twice since then. It is too difficult. I will always find August hard to deal with. People think that just because a year has gone by then you must be over it. I dont talk to anyone about it so everyone think i am fine. Talking here was a help.

     
    Old 08-30-2005, 04:20 PM   #11
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    Re: I can't forgive myself for my fathers death

    I don't think that other people can really understand until they have gone through the loss of a loved one. I still miss my mother so much.... it's been since 1990 since she passed away. I feel guilt at times as well. It's good that we all share our feelings and not be afraid to talk. The talking is part of the healing. The sharing and seeing and understanding that our feelings are normal and ok. Hugs to everyone here!

     
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