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Distressing Subject - Autopsies & Inquests.

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Old 01-28-2006, 01:36 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: ENGLAND, UK
Posts: 26
Distressing Subject - Autopsies & Inquests.

My sister committed suicide by jumping 80 foot to her death, you can imagine the shock and "the I can't believe it distress it caused". Apart from her sad loss, four horrible memories still linger, all unbelievable:


She killed herself the day before Christmas, we went to an undertakers offices to arrange the funeral, they were having a Xmas party and the staff were all hopelessly drunk, the receptionist was paraylitic drunk, hopelessly confused, slurred speech and staggering about unable to stand. We walked out in disgust.


We went to collect her things, eveyone was nice and kind and sympathetic, except on the way out the boss called me to one side and handed me an white envelope, I asked what it was, meaning whats inside it, he replied " Her Holiday Pay". This choked me up for weeks afterwards.


For reasons unknown the Vicar asked us all NOT to throw handfuls of earth onto the coffin at the end of the service, we all ignored him and did so, he stormed off in a temper? Then: She was buried a couple of days after Christmas, in the snowswept cemetary as we all started leaving the grave to leave, some thoughtless person, a fellow mourner, wished all of us [believe it or not] A MERRY XMAS?


I had to give evidence of identication, then the pathologist got into the witness box and read out all her injuries, and how much her brain weighed and how much her heart weighed, and described in full her inner organs condition at great length, like a butcher who'd was trying to sell meat, or seek a refund from the abbatoir. I wanted to protest his right to cut my sister up in to little lumps and pieces.


Each year we speak about how old she might have been, if she would have ever married, had kids, and how she would love all her neices and nephews. I know this is all pretty mundane stuff, but not for me, I still ache over it.

Last edited by LIVING IN HOPE; 01-28-2006 at 01:39 PM.

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Old 02-01-2006, 10:58 AM   #2
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Join Date: Nov 2003
Location: Utah
Posts: 896
Angel77 HB User
Re: Distressing Subject - Autopsies & Inquests.

Hi Living In Hope...
My heart aches for you and what you are still going through.

Did your sister commit suicide this last year? The way you talk about it sounds like it may have been a little while ago?

Anyway...please don't hold it against the staff...although it was not a bright idea to be drunk at work...or at least without closing down completely, these people have to do whatever they can to lighten the mood to be able to cope with working in a place like that. You can't imagine how much of a toll it takes on someone to deal with death on an every day basis, especially voluntarily.....most have what's known as a "gallow's sense of humor" referring back to the time of using gallows...people had to deal with death, so they tried to find the humor in things most would not...this is how they are able to continue to do their jobs.

As for the autopsy, it's all part of the job with them as well. They may take for granted that not everyone shares the same interest in the body that they do...nor does someone want to know the gory details of their loved one. The autopsy was done to ensure that there were no other possibilities of how she died and the possibility that she may have had some form of illness that forced her to commit suicide.

If you look me up, you'll see my story and what it was like when I lost my mom in Aug. 05...I had to watch her die and it was horribly painful, but I needed to be there. Thankfully our family was blessed with a twisted sense of humor...which is the only way we made it through. We laughed at things that most would find absolutely inappropriate, but at 28 yrs old, I've attended more than 50 funerals and you grow a little numb and the pain that you know is coming has to go we learned to deal with it differently.

I also want to tell you from personal experience that nothing you could have done or did do caused her to jump or could have prevented it. It was once put very eliquently about suicide...suicide happens when the pain out-weighs the options for coping with the pain.

It's so true. I have been very sick with chronic illnesses my entire adult and teen life and it came to a point that I felt that I couldn't hang on anymore. I didn't want to die...I really didn't, but I didn't know how to find the strength to live anymore....and the topper was....when I called the suicide hotline, THEY HUNG UP ON ME!!!!! God stepped in and a lady who was like a mom to me happened to call just before I left the house that night....if not for her angelic timing...I'd be gone.

I also had just enough in me to fight the pain....seriously one more drop of fight vs. the amount of dispair....sometimes, just that one drop is enough.

So tell me something, where are you at right now in your grief? How long has she been gone and what are you doing to try to cope with what you have facing you? Can we help in any way? Please don't hesitate...this place is awesome....and without a name or a face, you can say what you want, what you need and what you're afraid to mention to the outside world, it will go no further than here and sometimes that's just what you need.

P.S.....about the Vicar, he may have had some valid reasons to ask you not to throw the dirt, however, he did not explain himself and had no reason to leave in a huff. Some just have a personality glitch that triggers when they're ignored, or he may have had a good reason, but without stating it, no one will ever know.

Try to let go of the resentment, anger, and other negative energy you may feel toward all of's costing you precious energy that you need to move forward and it won't change anything in the end. I know from experience, it's much easier to be angry than sad....sad feels so hopeless and neverending, while anger seems to give us a sense of purpose and power. However, it's misguided, damaging to our dreams, heart, soul and living and your sister would not want you to live with the pain that she couldn't bear to live love her, cherish her memories, focus on the good and remember that the things that were said and done that cut to the core were not aimed at you to inflict more pain, they were just someone being thoughtless or just unnerved at the situation and they happened to stick both feet in their mouth.

Hope to hear from you soon...please take care....Hugs...Angel
If you don't experience anything bad, you'll never appreciate the good when it comes around!!!

Old 02-01-2006, 02:22 PM   #3
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Join Date: Dec 2003
Posts: 3,335
Ruth6:11 HB UserRuth6:11 HB User
Re: Distressing Subject - Autopsies & Inquests.

No matter what else you do, would you look up your State's Funeral Director Association and report this Funeral Home to them?

I am disgusted that such a think would happen to ANYone. Any Funeral Home that is reputable has the utmost respect for the deceased.
I work for a Funeral Home if you couldn't already guess - our Christmas Party was held away from the Funeral Home, and we had someone on call (that was SOBER!) to answer calls if we received any. We had a limit (like any self-respecting business does in this day and age) of 2 drinks per person.

PLEASE report them.

Old 02-11-2006, 10:45 AM   #4
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: northeast
Posts: 69
specialbabies HB User
Red face Re: Distressing Subject - Autopsies & Inquests.

I am speechless at the conduct of many in your story. I am at a loss for words, and I'm long winded.

I will say I am sorry for the loss

Old 02-12-2006, 09:28 PM   #5
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Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: CT
Posts: 19
dfd44 HB User
Re: Distressing Subject - Autopsies & Inquests.

My mother commited suicide the week before Christmas when i was eleven, i am now sixteen, and people still wished us a merry christmas and i think that people just don't konw what to say when someone else's loved one dies and i think that they were just trying to help you all to feel better, the Vicar shouldn't've told you how to conduct the ceremony though, the autopsy had to be done and the pathologist had to read those numbers and though it upset you that was not their intention. Best of luck to you.

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