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  • 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

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    Old 08-04-2006, 10:09 PM   #1
    Scully5050
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    57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    I am a newbie to the board. I am in need of advise and help. My father died suddenly February 10th of this year, a massive heart attach no warning. The doctors said he never knew what hit him. This was great for my father, because he could never have handled a long term illness. It was devastating to the family. Since I am alone I moved in immediately with my mother.

    They had been married 60 years and my father was 80 and my mother is 79. She is in pretty good health. How do I handle this? I have not had time to grieve and my mother seems to not want to live anymore. If I look like I am having a bad day, she gets worse. So I plaster a smile on my face all the time. I feel as if I am coming apart at the seams. I love my mother with all my heart and I don't mean to sound hard. I can't even imagine what it would be like to lose the one you loved for so many years. I know how I feel, but he was my father and not the man I loved and spent my life with. But, I am expected to lose my life and be here 24/7 for the rest of it. I don't know how to cop and I'm afraid this winter will be something I will not be able to handle.

    I don't know how to help her and help myself. I am thinking about getting professional help for myself, but I don't think she will agree to do so. Any advise would be greatly appreciated. I hope I have done this right, it being my first time and all, but I needed somewhere to turn.

    Last edited by Scully5050; 08-04-2006 at 10:13 PM.

     
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    Old 08-05-2006, 02:16 AM   #2
    catlady7160
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    Hi

    I just lost my Mom- these boards are very helpful so I hope you get the advice you need.

    My long history with my parents is both of them had alzeimers and suffered through strokes.
    My Dad I kept him at home until he died in 2001.

    And my Mom who passed a few days ago has been in a nursing home for 3 years and I cared for her before that.

    I was the major caretaker and had to put my life on hold up until my Mom went in the nursing home.

    But even in nursing home care- there's the financial responsibility, phone calls , making sure staff are properly doing job.,etc.


    But now that my long decade long task of caretaking of my parents is over, I feel empty.


    Yes, be ever so glad your father passed without going through years of suffering because it is hard to watch.


    And I know your life is on hold for your Mom now- but you won't regret it-she needs you now.


    I suggest getting into groups, counseling and companions to possibly come in some days to give you a break..


    Take care.

     
    Old 08-05-2006, 08:19 AM   #3
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    Why did you move in with your mother? You said she's in pretty good health and 79 is not that old.

     
    Old 08-05-2006, 04:44 PM   #4
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    Thank You catlady7160,

    I am so very sorry to hear about your parents. Yes, I am glade my father died as sudden as he did. That was a blessing. Thank you for the suggestion of, getting into group for myself, but my mother would never agree to counseling and companions for her.

    May Peace Be With You

     
    Old 08-05-2006, 05:04 PM   #5
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    Titchou,

    I moved in with my mother because she was not doing good at all when my father past on. It would have been cruel and unthinkable to not be with her through her pain. She now expects me to be with her the rest of her life. I would have no problem with that except she now treats me like a 3 year old. That is the way she use to treat my father and I guess now in her eyes I have taken his place. That is where I am having a problem. I would not hurt my mother for anything in the world, but I don't know how to handle this without hurting her. That is why I thought maybe writing here someone might have the same problem or close to it and I could get some advise. I see now I should seek professional help.

     
    Old 08-05-2006, 06:39 PM   #6
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    While I understand how you feel, she has no right to do that to you. You don't want to hurt her - but yet you are letting her hurt you. Do you see that? She just wants attention. You've given it to her. I know - my mother was the same way. No doubt if you were to talk about what a wonderful man your father was - she'll put him down. Get out while you can.

     
    Old 08-05-2006, 09:44 PM   #7
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    Unhappy Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    Titchou,

    Thanks, I wish I could. I'm shooting for next spring....I hope.

     
    Old 08-06-2006, 08:39 AM   #8
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    I'm about the same age as you, Scully, and although I don't live with my widowed mother I can appreciate the problems. My mother was very keen to live with any of her daughters after my father died, but we all felt it wouldn't work out. Like your mother mine is inclined to want constant attention and doesn't really consider the needs of others provided her own are met. We visited her very regularly after my dad died and someone phoned her every day so she didn't think we were neglecting her. For about a year she was adamant she couldn't live alone, she would go into residential care, but then she gradually got used to living alone and now seems quite happy to do so. We still visit every week and ring her often, also she has very good friends and neighbours who come in to see her on a regular basis. She comes to stay with us regularly, though never for more than a few days at a time (a wise precaution!) and we get on pretty well for the most part. Her health is reasonably good and she has seems to enjoy life these days.

    So, what I'm thinking is - could you use this period while you're living with your mother to prepare her for your departure and her new life after you leave? Tell her you won't be staying with her indefinitely but that you'll always be there for her, you'll visit and phone her regularly. Encourage her friends and neighbours to visit her and, if she's well enough, encourage her to visit them too. If she has a hobby she enjoys encourage her to keep on with it; if she hasn't then try to get her interested in something that would occupy her time in an enjoyable way. Maybe you could put her in touch with like-minded people. Also, is she a member of a church? My mother isn't really well enough to go to church now, but her minister and elders from her church visit her and she still feels part of it. You may be thinking your mother is too determined NOT to function again on her own and that these suggestions would just be brushed aside, but believe me no one could have been more uninterested in living an independent life than my mother was after my father died. Her attitude was 'OK, I took care of him, now my children must take care of me and that means one of you must live with me'. It was only when she gradually realised that she had no real choice but to live on her own that she began to adapt to the idea. Now, as I say, she is coping well, has quite a full life and is happy. So your mother may well adapt too.

    I hope no one thinks I'm against the idea of mothers/fathers living with their adult children. I'm not - I've seen it work brilliantly in many cases - but it depends so much on the personalities involved and the nature of the relationship to begin with. My mother is the type of woman who wants everything to revolve around her; even when my dad was ill she was displeased if he got more attention than she did. We all helped as much as possible with him, but she seemed to resent every little thing we did for him, as though it was taking something away from her. So our relationship with her wasn't really all that good by the time dad died and would never have stood up to the strain of her living with us.

    I hope some of this helps. If nothing else at least you will know that I can sympathise with your predicament.

     
    Old 08-06-2006, 11:05 AM   #9
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    You might also want to read "Boundaries" by Dr. Cloud. Then pass it on to your mother!

    And I second everything Isobella said. My father had heart trouble for 18 years before he finally passed away. Every time he was in the hospital, you could mark it on the calendar that Mama would be in for something within 4 weeks of his release. Happened every time....just like clockwork. She had to get her share of the limelight. Well, she lived for another 23 years after he died! She she wasn't all that sick...just attention seeking.

     
    Old 08-09-2006, 07:55 PM   #10
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    Re: 57 yr. old daughter living w/ mother after dad dies suddenly.

    Thank You everyone for your helpful comments and suggestions. It has help me a lot, if nothing else just to let me know I am not the only one out there that has the same or almost the same problems.

    Good luck to all of you and I wish all of you well.

     
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