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  • The death of an ex-husband

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    Old 04-30-2008, 08:21 PM   #1
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    The death of an ex-husband

    My ex-husband passed away.

    I didn’t even know he was sick.

    I hadn’t talked to him in over 7 years, and hadn’t seen him in 15. I am incredulous that that amount of time has gone by. How could that be.

    I had been thinking about him so much the week he passed. I felt the urge to go to the area he lived, to see music I had been following. I had been thinking of him all week.

    I had contacted the place we spent our honeymoon; they were booked. Every other place was so expensive. I chalked it up to fate. Not to go.

    He was a private man, a wild, free spirit, and more and more reclusive. I had heard this. I should have been more alarmed. I should have paid attention.

    I had a dream. We were together, it was hard. But the next and last thing I remember is what he looked like at the end. He was calm, peaceful, smiling and happy.

    And then I heard on Tuesday he passed away on Friday of that week. I know he came to me in that dream. To let me know he was at peace.

    I found the piece of paper I had written the directions to the area, and on the bottom was his phone number. What I believed to be his phone number. I hadn’t called it in 7 years.

    I could have never guessed that it would be this hard. Although I had another long-term relationship in the intervening years, over now for 3, I am now alone. And I have no children. This could be what makes it all the more hard.

    How could he not say good-bye? We were blessed to have really moved through our feelings after we parted. Blessed to have said all we needed to say. Our last meeting was one of tenderness, grace, kindness, and yes, passion. I am lucky to have that.

    He had been ill with a grave diagnosis for over a year. I so remember him as a big and strong man, and it’s hard to hear how he suffered so. I am left with feelings of guilt.

    I am also left with the reminder of how connected we were. All of which had been buried for so long. And now the time is gone. The opportunity is gone. To see him again. Us both wiser and older. With no expectations. Just a knowing of a past, time shared. You always think that time will come. I cannot believe he is gone. Cannot believe it.

    Grief. Reliving grief of unresolved emotions from a failed relationship. Buried, long buried. Excavation, like blood letting. Gouging. I feel like I am going through an exorcism. A cleansing of sorts.

    I have no where to go with my feelings. Who could understand. It is so silent. I am sure no one knows what to do / say. I know it will take time. I know I am forever changed. I know there will be many lessons from this. Grateful to have this place to write / express.

    Here are a few things I have read (with some editing) that have helped me better understand and include in that they might help someone else.

    Thank you anyone who’s reading and listening.


    “At the end of the relationship, perhaps we were not in love any longer, but that doesn’t mean we did not still have deep emotions about them. Love doesn’t die when the divorce is granted.

    The death of a “less-than-loved-one” is in truth a double death. First, they died, and we are left with all the feelings connected with the death of anyone we knew and loved. But second, the possibility of healing the pain of the broken marriage has now also died. No more can we pretend that we can “make it right” with them, that time is now over forever. Can we heal after their death? Yes, but it is much easier to do so when they were alive. We are confronted with the death of the present, and in addition the death of the future. ”

    And also, this.

    “When you first meet someone who is your destiny, the spark that brings you together comes from your highest selves. That's what connects the two of you as spiritual beings.

    Then life happens, and that higher part of each of you gets sort of buried in other stuff and if the relationship breaks, then it gets forgotten because of the pain.

    But after someone dies, they go back to who they truly are, to their true spiritual self. And since the ex is no longer that person who struggled and felt and caused pain, the need to work that old energy is now gone. An enormous amount of stuck energy is released and it can feel as though that "life" is passing before your eyes--all of the good, all of the bad, all of the mistakes and missed opportunities.

    The healthiest thing for you to do now, is to put your energy into what was--and is, initially true : whatever brought you two together, in its highest and best. Cherish that and honor it."

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