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My mom passed leaving us all fighting

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Old 02-07-2011, 07:10 AM   #1
Join Date: Feb 2011
Location: ontario
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lorinolan2020 HB User
Angry My mom passed leaving us all fighting

Ok hello and thank you so much for reading my story. I truly believe this one is quite unique in many ways. I do not know anyone that is going through what I am. Please bare with me.. its complicated
To get the jist of the whole thing I must first enlighten on history. I come from a divorced home, I was 8 when they separated and i am 42 now. My father was very sick for 14 years after a major stroke, we cared for him and tried to give him quality of life as best we could. My mother in the end helped significantly to keep him company and he seemed to enjoy this as he always loved her anyway. Dad passed 3 years ago, it was extremely painful for me. My brohter was exec. after a few months I discovered the taxes on the house had not been paid and were in arrears 30g. I was completly shocked and dismayed at this as the tax bills went to my brothers house, not Dad's.. he knew that he was creating large debt against the estate in an attempt to buy me out of the family home.. being the largest asset. In the end I got duped out of about 100g after hiring a lawyer and upping the amount..I then retreated and thought it was not worth carrying out any longer. Of course my relationship with my brohter was never good.. I now knew the reason he treated my and my kids so terribly. I believe he was planning this all along, and he was.I recieved no support whatsoever from my brother at this time.

Now skip back a few years, my mom had a boyfriend for many years. He passed and mom had him cremated and at his wishes he would be entered in our family plot. No one really liked him, so rather than open up the grave she decided to hang onto the ashes until my grandmother passed than put him in.
Grandmother dies 10 years later (a wonderful much loved person). My mother is very distrought and within 2 days hands the rites of the grave to my brother. About 2 months later they went to do the internment papers for both my Gmother and Bfriend. My brother informs my mother he would not sign for Bfriend to get in grave. My mother was absouloutly betrayed, hurt and was feeling alot of things I can not even explain. She took both ashes home and said she would not enter them as she wants them all entered together. She hopes my brother will change his mind .. but he doesnt. Months and months went by where my mom still hanging onto ashes,. She keeps gmothers ashes in trunk of car for fear brother and neice will come and take her. They keep calling her to bug her to do it, but she is steadfast they go together. Keep in mind this was my mothers plot for 30 years.. her sister and father buried there. (Gmohter lived 30 years after Gfather)
So with all that said, Dad dies in 2008, Gmother in 2009. In 2010 around May my mother becomes extremly sick, she goes and had tests done and around mid July she calls to tell me she has lung cancer. She is very distrought over the ashes, needs to complete this. She does not want my brother to know about cancer either, she said " I will die faster if he knows, do not tell him"
So she goes to another grave site, purchases and we entered the two together not where they were supposed to go. My mother being Gmother main caregiver for many years, I believe it was her choice to do so. We entered them early August 2010, mom becomes increasinly sick. She is still driving at this point and goes to her apts to take her son off everything. She redoes her will, she leaves his portion to my kids (he has no kids,, too selfish)
Mom had an apt on Aug 18 to sign her will she had been drafting with her lawer. When I showed up to get her, she was in so much pain.. she could not go. Home care came and sent her to hospital via ambulance..I am told she has phnemonia.. there has been a blood clot explode and her body is suffering septic shock.. she is made comfortoable. She still wants to sign her will .. I CALLLED THE LAWYER. They came to the hospital, she signed her will.
She died the next morning.
Brother finds out 2 days later, he is now livid. Showing up at lawyers causing scenes.,. he contests the will. Everything is frozen and Mom still not buried, He is upset Gmother is not in his grave..and obviously he is going through something he never dreamed of.. he is not the exec. Ahh he will not be able to screw his little sister agaian .. its out of his hands. All the paper work had come in from hosp, Gp, Homecare. It is riddled with statements that she did not want her son involved etc etc. It even contains reg letter copies sent to the origional graveyard in a desperate attempt to over ride my brother, but it does no good. They say its a family matter. Now every one is displaced, my brother is pounding the contest but it really does not look good for him at all.
I am still not near done grieving all of these people, I think of what my mother went through and it keeps me awake for sure. Nothing is the way it should be and we look like idiots to all family members, especially since the other estate deal with my dad. We just constantlly fight, if we didnt have figtht we would have nothing at all. Its so sad. I am seeing my doctor tomorrow because I think I am dealing with post traumatic stress. This is an incredibly sad and very true story. I am hoping the lawyer will call in near future to say brother backed off. It helps to pound it off here but I hope someone has some good advice for me on how to deal with stress and grief.. mulitple losses and carrying on a healthy lifestyle for sake of my 2 children.
I am a single parent, my brother would not know my chidren even if he bumped into them on the street. I am at a loss on what to do as anyone I would normally take advice from is now dead.

In Ottawa

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Old 02-07-2011, 08:36 AM   #2
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Re: My mom passed leaving us all fighting

Hi I think to preserve family relationships in our family we let them have their way as much as we could to keep everyone as happy as possible, if that helps. Any arguing that occurred just made people miserable in the long run and leaves for unhappy memories. It is probably better to agree where ever possible. I remember it was not a fun process with all the legal paperwork etc...People were nervous about money and insurance coverage etc... I hope this helps someone. Peace.

Old 03-07-2011, 03:15 PM   #3
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Re: My mom passed leaving us all fighting

Wow, It certainly sounds like you have been through so much in the past few years emotionally. Your dear Mom as well. It is so good that you have been there for her so often and have supported her wishes. It's hard to please everyone all the time. It is impossible. Always someone will be unhappy. Your Mom sounds like she was a strong, brave woman right down to the end.
By your preserving her memory and being a good example to your children you are doing wonders in her legacy no matter what any one else thinks.
Your brother did the best he could with his situation at the time with the last exc assignment he had handled. He is responsible for his own choices and will still be. However things turn out, eventually, will be managed by whoever involved. It seems unfair, lots of things are. You will get through these times. You will be a better person, wiser, stronger and closer to those most important to you. If your brother decides to lighten up, he may be one of them close to you?
Personally, my source of strength, because I can not rely on my own, is filling my spiritual need. Asking questions, finding answers about who, how, why, when, where, are so important.
My Grandmother died February 13, 2011 and her husband on August 22, 2008. They were both 77 at the time of their death, I was both their Personal Care Taker so they could stay at home. My Grandpa died of Skin Cancer (even had to lose an ear) and my Gram died from a fall from Feb. 11, 2011 but she had Rhum. Arth. and COPD (not from smoking but because she was crippledfrom the RA). Each day has been tough but I take comfort knowing I was there for her as much as I could possibly be.
Anyway, she had 7 kids (4 girls and 3 boys) she left 1 girl in charge as exc and 1 boy as back up. The house is in a reverse mortgage (a 3 family and two floors are family occupied)Let's just say, there was tension after their Dad died, it just flooded back, plus. The three boys and one girl pretty much side against the other 3 girls, blah blah,..then never mind the 30 other grandkids and 25 great-grandkids She left a note that said the 4 girls are in charge of dispersing the household goods, except, I get first dibs, sweet? I know. It's been a busy few weeks and I am wiped out!
Take comfort knowing you were there for your family. YOU were. Don't worry about who wasn't. Please take your time time and grieve as long as You need to. Take care of your basic needs, sleep just enough, drink water, eat healthy and move around as much as possible. Hope your days get brighter and brighter.

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