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my mom committed suicide, and i found her

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Old 01-08-2012, 11:14 PM   #1
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: seattle, wa
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my mom committed suicide, and i found her

approx. about a month ago, i found out my mom had chronic depression. my family had hid this from me because i was the "baby" of the family. i am a 28 yr old male and honestly am stronger mentally then all of them.

i knew something was wrong when i first saw my mothers face when they flew out to visit me. while we were eating dinner, i could tell my mom had other things on her mind. she occasionally brought up random questions/comments such as: you always loved your father more, i was never a good mother, your sister is like this because of me, etc.

after my dad had fallen asleep, i asked my mom to get dessert with me. we talked til 2 am. i kept asking her whats wrong, but every time she seemed ready to talk, she held back. she asked, would you forgive your mom no matter what she did? do i have to tell you everything? you talked to someone didnt you? who told you?

at the time i didnt know what she meant or what to think. i came to my own conclusion that my parents were having a hard time and one had cheated on the other. guess being my mom, since she asked if i would forgive her. i later discussed this with my gf and she immediately told me that my mom was extremely depressed and is considering suicide. although it stuck in the back of my mind, i simply didnt believe it. my mom, the devoted catholic, dedicated wife and mother, one of the hardest working people ive ever seen, could not do such a thing.

after their visit, i called my mom everyday. everytime we talked, she tried to make some excuse to get off the phone and always asked "why did you call?". this hurt me a bit and eventually the calls turned out to be every other day, to every 3 days, etc. i had been talking to my sister often about the hospital visits my mom had made. her first doctor had prescribed her anti depressant medicine. her second doctor, 2 weeks later, prescribed her bi-polar medication. i was against both, since medication for these diseases either cure a person or kill them. the bipolar medicine made her appetite come back, and she seemed much better than the past 2 months. we finally thought that my mom is making the recovery we hoped for.

the 3rd day on her BP medicine, at 9:00 am in the morning i heard the phone ring. it was her psych, and my sister had answered. she asked how my mom was doing and if she could talk to her. i heard my sister walk down the stairs and she called out for my mom.

mom? mom? mom?... and then a high pitched scream/shriek that will never leave my memory for as long as i live. i jumped out of bed and ran downstairs as fast as possible. my sister was curled up in a ball in the corner of my parents bedroom. i asked her whats wrong? all she did was scream and say "mom..."

i ran into the bathroom, envisioning my mom in a puddle of blood in the shower, jacuzzi, anywhere. i saw nothing, i ran back out and demanded my sister to tell me where she is. she cried and said "closet". i ran back in and opened the walk in closet door... there hung my mom at the end of the closet, motionless, lifeless, breathless.

i walked up to her body, sobbing, trembling and gently crying out "mom.. mom..." as i got closer, my body froze, tears flooding down my face, i wanted to touch her, lift her up, save her. but i froze. i finally came back to reality and ran out to the kitchen. my sister was already there holding a pair of scissors in her hand. while sobbing she said "i cant do it, can you please?" i grabbed the scissors from her and ran back into the closet. as i went to cut her down... my hands froze again. my brain kept telling my hand to cut, but no response.

finally i convinced myself that the longer she hangs the worse it will be. i wanted to hold up her body while i cut her down but i was so frozen that i couldnt. honestly, i dont even know how my hands did the job. the sound of her limp body hitting the ground will stay with me forever. i stared at her mangled body as i slowly backtracked out of the closet and continued crying.

the doctor who was on the phone had called the police and within minutes they were knocking on the door. my sister and i ran out of the room and called my dad while the paramedics worked on my mom. my dad came flying into the house within minutes and yelled "where is mom?" all i could do was hug him, crying the hardest ive ever cried and pleaded with him not to go in the room. i couldnt bare another person seeing what we had witnessed.

shortly i heard the paramedics say, we have a pulse! we all jumped off the ground, and thanked god for the miracle. we all followed the ambulance to the icu where my mom laid for 5 days while the hospital pumped her full of 5-11 different type of drugs. we tried multiple times to take her off the meds in hopes she would regain consciousness. body trembling, eyes flickering seizures was the result. 5 different doctors did testing on her, all 5 suggested my mom would never wake up and if she did, it wouldnt be meaningful. on the 5th day, i had to step up and lead a conversation about pulling the plug. while the rest of the family, mostly doubling my age, her sisters, brother, my dad and sister were too scared to do anything... all i could think about is what my mom wouldve wanted. i would deal with the pain and guilt for the rest of my life in order to save my moms body from torture for another day.

i found out the reason my mom was so deeply depressed on the 5th day. she had been raped in her early 20s by her boss, who was female. in my culture, being raped by the same gender is the most awful thing that could happen. she had been hiding this from our entire family and hurting alone for the past 40 years. trying to be strong, trying to be happy, trying to protect her family. this is what hurts me the most, the fact that i didnt know. this is also what gave me the strength to let her go. i simply didnt want her to keep hurting and living her hellish life on earth. we pulled the plug on dec 31st, 2011. my beautiful mother was set free around 630 pm. it was a weird time for me, although i was sad of her death, i was relieved that my mom would finally be painless after 40 years of hell.

after thinking back, i realized why my mom didnt tell me much about herself, and had that hint of fright/pain in her eyes. but i never wouldve guessed this. now i am worried about my dad who is now 66 and hasnt gone a week without my mom in over 35 years. what hurts me most about him is that, the rest of my moms family still dont know about her hellish past. i know what they think, they blame it on my dad, on our financial troubles and the "stress" he caused her. if they only knew how well my dad treated her, loved her, talked to her, stood by her side, and saved her from doing this for 40 years... they would all be kissing his feet. and even with the cold interactions he receives, he is all then willing to take the blame, because the wife that he loved for so long didnt want anyone to know the truth.

im sorry for all the rambling, especially this is my first post. there is so much more that i could blab about and so much more detail about how horrific this whole experience was but i will stop here. thank you for listening, just needed a little rant, i already feel a little better.

The following 2 users give hugs of support to: daddy109
janewhite1 (01-10-2012),Maysa (01-16-2012)
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Old 01-09-2012, 04:12 PM   #2
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Re: my mom committed suicide, and i found her

I am so very sorry for your family's loss. Take the time and space you need to deal with it.

Try to give your father as much support and company as you can, and for anyone who doesn't understand, well, don't burn bridges while everything is so fresh, but don't worry about what they think.

Old 01-09-2012, 04:50 PM   #3
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Re: my mom committed suicide, and i found her

I've had over 2 dozen people in my life kill themselves, including a family member and I am so sorry this has happened to you. But please know that most suicidal people do it when the people they trust the most to care for their body and soul are around. She hung herself because she knew you and your sister would make sure that she was cared for after her death. She was showing her love for you in doing it that way. I hope you have felt her love.

I would make sure in some way that her family finds out why she did this. He does not deserve to suffer from her silence. There is no shame in rape by the same sex person or a the opposite sex person. Rape is about the needs of the other person and says NOTHING about the victim. She was just an innocent victim. And now so is your father. Tell them. Rape goes on due to the silence of the victims and the only way to stop it is to bring it out in the open. I mother and grandmother were both child molesters who raped their daughters, including me. Breaking the silence not only exposes the crime but will help your father...he deserves praise and not anger.

Then take care of you and your have both been traumatized by this and that will take time to heal. You start showing signs of PTSD....nightmares, anxiety, flashbacks of the suicide...then get help for yourselves too. Many ways to now help victims of didn't choose to see her, you too, were also innocent victims of the result of this woman's rape of your mom.

How I wish I could have reached out to her and told her there is no shame in being a victim....only pain when you don't get help for it.

But be assured...she loved you and trusted you....she waited until her children were grown enough that she could finally leave you. So, so sad.

gentle hugs..........Jenny

Old 01-09-2012, 05:52 PM   #4
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daddy109 HB User
Re: my mom committed suicide, and i found her

thank you for your replies jane and jenny. it makes me feel a little better to be able to vent everything, even if its online. the only person that i can talk to about all this is my gf and luckily she is amazing and very supportive.

whenever i bring up anything to my sister, she freaks out and screams. in fact every time she opens a door, she screams. the noise reminds me of when she found my mother and sends shivers down my spine every time. i think i need to stay away from home for a while, which is unfortunate since my dad and sister are here. but it is time to slowly get back to my life...

Old 04-27-2012, 12:22 PM   #5
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Re: my mom committed suicide, and i found her

What a story! I can stop crying... I am so very sorry, I just wish I could give you a big warm hug and take you under my wing. I am a mother to a 28 years old son, I love him to death and cant even imagine he would go through what you went through. You still a baby (at least for your mom), and I feel very bad you had to see this and worry this much about your mom... I just dont understand why they hided this from you; parents feel kids not strong enough to handle, but kids stronger than parents think.
Your dad is a hero, to live this long with one spouse is tough no matter how much we love them, but to live life with someone who has mental issues - extremely hard and not everyone could do that.
And another thing, they have wonderful medication to keep mental health under control, why were you all so afraid of her taking it? Millions live long lives taking physiological drugs, they able to enjoy life, work and feel great, so why one would like to suffer but not to take meds? For your poor mom it wasn't a choice, she had to be on it no matter what side effects are.
I have physical issues, live on 45 pills a day and happy I can have some life quality. I hate to take them, dont take me wrong, but I need to be happy in this life.
I feel bad, really bad for your mom and what happened to her in her 20. Again, so many people get rapped but they dont get affected by this as much, but some people end up with mental issues, we all different.
Sweet heart, you are very good son, you have great family for support.
Stay strong and be a good support for you daddy, he needs that. You have your GF, your young life, but he lost his life long friend, its very hard for him. You will go thru this, you will be OK. And please always remember: your mom wants you to be happy...

Hugs to you and your family

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