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Hppyappy 02-07-2012 03:11 PM

feeling guilty
Last year I was injured at work...when I called my mom to tell her... she told me she was just diagnosed with Cancer (lymphoma)...then my dad became ill and I spent 7 days watching him die.... his passing was peaceful but the time leading up to that was... tough. My mother underwent chemo for 6 months and I would stay with her for the actual chemo and for 10 days after as she had a hard time with chemo. (I live 250 miles away from my mother)..we got good news the chemo worked and the cancer was gone!.. then a weel later she was told she had ovarian cancer...then three weeks later (one week before her schedualed surgery, my step dad(her husband of 29 years) went into the hospital (end stages COPD) a week later mom had her surgery and had a very hard time... she lost double the blood and her A-Fib went crazy... the next day she had a stroke. one dr asked my why she had the surgery as she had un controled a-fib and that she should have never had the operation until it was controled. then a week later my step dad died. my mom never got to see him... its been up and down for the last two months. ... battleing the insurence/healthcare system (the hospital tried to discharge (to home) my mom 4 days after her stroke... we got her into a great re-hab facility...more ups and down... then discharge to a SNF as mom was still unable to even stand... she has had many manny set backs and complacations...I have been with my mom for two months straight, but came home four weeks ago now she is back in hospital (SNF sent her without ever calling us) with savere complacations from Clostridium infection...she was diagnosed and treated 10 days on flygal and responded wonderfully but two weeks late...wham... the scans show her entire bowel extreamly inflamed and possibly ruptured.... she is on comfort care now... we know the time has come.
I got the call last nite but I was so upset I just couldnt drive... and today...she is still hanging on and resting quietly. my problem is I just had a total melt down and I feel so guilty for not being there right now, but I just cant do it. I know she is dying and I accept that. but the guilt i feel for not being there is tearing me up... did i mention it is snowing outside right now with chain controls on the highway? I know my mom would not want me to drive in bad weather. my brother and other relitives are with her. I was alone with my dad. I know I really never took the time to graive for my dad and step dad and now my mom... its just all hitting me like a ton of bricks. My dr. put me on zoloft and addivan(sp?) due tro panic attachs and i just could turn off my brian and could sleep a few weeks ago. I feel a bit better and have been able to sleep the last few nites and now this....
sorry for the long post... I am all alone and just needed to vent....

Phoenix 02-12-2012 08:41 AM

Re: feeling guilty
[QUOTE=Hppyappy;4924198]the guilt i feel for not being there is tearing me up... [/QUOTE]

Hello Hppyappy,

You've experienced a lot.....

Please realize that you are but one person and everyone(at one point of time or another) needs a break.

Try to be easier on yourself and know that even if you're not there physically, your love is felt by those that truly matter.

Respectfully stated,

Moldova 04-27-2012 12:47 PM

Re: feeling guilty
Dearest heart,
I feel for you, I only can imagine what you are going through: thank for sharing with us. But please, dont feel guilty, you done nothing wrong. You done more than many people experience in their lives, you been a good daughter, good step daughter - you done it all.
Mom knows how much you love her, and she wouldn't want you there if you emotionally cant handle it. I am a mom and reading your story immediately made me think how would i feel on your place? I would feel same way, but as a mother can tell you right the way, I wouldn't want my kids to be with me and see me dying, I wouldn't want to see their tears and definitely wouldn't want them to drive in bad weather.
Your mommy is at piece, she needs time to say good bye. I heard and read so many stories when dying people couldn't go b/c relatives were near by and the minute someone leaves, they leave this Earth...

So please, let her go... You one strong person, you will find the way to coop, you will be OK dear...
Hugs, Moldova

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