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  • When everyone's in denial but me?

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    Old 07-01-2012, 02:50 PM   #1
    LL37
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    Unhappy When everyone's in denial but me?

    My 71 year old dad has now started a fast decline. And the whole family except me is in denial. So he's not in a hospital. And the end is imminent. I know putting him into one myself won't solve anything, once they decide they won't eat or eat well any longer it's going to end their life once their caloric intake is so low they decline. My x spouses grandfather did this, and my friend dying of cancer quit eating and was put into a sleep coma with narcotics only in April until he died. It's super hard for me right now. My whole family including the dying person is acting like this is just the way it is, and not just say the d word. And they MIGHT be fine and we don't have to go to the hospital. They are forcing me to stand there like nothing's happening. And I'm in the wrong, or am irrational and wrong, that he'd going to be fine. And I am in a gigantic power struggle with them, I don't know what to do. I guess the end will come however it does for them, at home if it has to be. And I have to accept it, they won't get him help or take him into a medical place to die.

     
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    Old 07-01-2012, 03:46 PM   #2
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    Leave it to your dad to decide how he wants this to play out. Ask yourself, would he rather die with his family around him, or in a hospital? Would being in a hospital change the end result? If he is in denial, then he is not going to hear your arguments anyway. Accept it as his choice, and don't waste your last time with him on this. Sera

     
    Old 07-04-2012, 05:50 PM   #3
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    LL37

    Hello and welcome.

    You know the end is inevitable and maybe he just wants to die with some sort of dignity;in his home;not in a hospital setting.It may even be better for him psychologically.

    As you stated,the inevitable will come and cooler heads will need to prevail.
    You be and stay strong and know if you ever need to vent here,need advice and/or support,feel welcome to come here anytime;alright?

    Respectfully
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    Old 07-04-2012, 07:38 PM   #4
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    Thanks, things are more complex than that. The property we are on is in very bad shape. So I am just trying to cope myself with the situation, the kids cannot get him to eat and it's not legal to do so. I guess we'll see if he ends up hospitalized. It's just sad it's taken me so much effort and crying/whining to my siblings/mother to explain and get some of them to acknowledge that's in much worse shape not and might be going down.




    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Phoenix View Post
    LL37

    Hello and welcome.

    You know the end is inevitable and maybe he just wants to die with some sort of dignity;in his home;not in a hospital setting.It may even be better for him psychologically.

    As you stated,the inevitable will come and cooler heads will need to prevail.
    You be and stay strong and know if you ever need to vent here,need advice and/or support,feel welcome to come here anytime;alright?

    Respectfully
    Phoenix

     
    Old 07-04-2012, 08:02 PM   #5
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by LL37 View Post
    I guess we'll see if he ends up hospitalized. It's just sad it's taken me so much effort and crying/whining to my siblings/mother to explain and get some of them to acknowledge that's in much worse shape not and might be going down.
    LL37

    If it was meant for him to be hospitalized,he will be.
    I just wish you weren't going on with so much more than just one situation.
    Both you and your father are in my prayers.

    Respectfully
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    Old 07-08-2012, 12:19 PM   #6
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    As an old person, having knowledge of awful deaths and hoping to avoid one myself, I am with you and not those in denial.

    Can he speak? Have you consulted with a doctor? Thank you for sharing this difficult time, wishing you comfort and strength.

     
    Old 07-08-2012, 01:05 PM   #7
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    My father died in hospital. His death was not expected as he'd just gone in after hurting his back on the stairs. Hadn't told us he had cancer, kept all to himself although we could see he was losing weight. He just said it was down to being late onset Type 1 diabetic. Diabetes only came along when he was in his late 60s. I talked to my Dad on the Thursday, he said don't come until Saturday cos need your rest. My grown up kids went on the Friday and he said the same to them. Saturday, we were preparing to go in after lunch but got a call to say come in now. His organs had shut down and he was in a coma where he stayed until died almost a week later. I'm almost glad for him as know he hated goodbyes. He also hated hospitals so this too was good in a way.

    My mum on the other hand preferred to be at home where we could visit at any time of the day and she had all her things around her. She kept as happy a smile as she could although without saying anything we all knew deep down that there wasn't going to be a turning point at which she would get better. I hated opening cards that said Get well soon but she never seemed to mind, saying well it was nice of them to think of sending something. In hospital twice over that long summer, she always wanted home so much and in the end, at home is where she slipped away one night.

    We cannot live anothers life for them and if the person coming to the end is happy in every other way despite what is going around them domestically, then that is what is important. Going into hospital was always so traumatic for my dad as every time he'd visited, it was to someone who wasn't going to make it. My mum had to practically push him through the doors of the maternity hospital to visit me when I had the kids. I had pre-eclampsia and was in and out of hospital for the last four months of pregnancy, first time. On many an occasion he would sit in the corridor and I'd to go out to him. At first I thought we'd had a fall out or something but he was just **** scared of hospitals and medical stuff.

    Please try not to whine or fall out with your family. They're dealing with the impending loss in their own way. At gut feeling, the family will know, I'm sure but why count down the days left before the end in a dismal way when you could celebrate the life your dad has in days still here.

    Wishing you the peace to deal with what is a very difficult time.
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    Old 07-08-2012, 06:15 PM   #8
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    We are taking him to a Dr. finally tomorrow.

     
    Old 07-09-2012, 07:09 AM   #9
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    LL37, it will be helpful to know what the doctor says, if you can share that with us.

    RS, I sure am with your father and mother. Thank you for your interesting post. I want to be on my own, definitely not in a hospital. I want to leave my children love notes, set a good example for them, make it more bearable for them when their time comes. It seems your parents did that for you. It's what I want to do for those I leave behind.

    Don't know why we, as adults, can't be trusted with a pill that we can take ourself when no quality of life is left.This, of course, is highly controversial and not doubt there can be pitfalls. But I am ever on the lookout to give me peace in this last chapter. There is debilitating stroke and dementia in my family, sometimes worrying me out of my mind.

     
    Old 07-09-2012, 12:18 PM   #10
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by tinam7 View Post
    LL37, it will be helpful to know what the doctor says, if you can share that with us.

    RS, I sure am with your father and mother. Thank you for your interesting post. I want to be on my own, definitely not in a hospital. I want to leave my children love notes, set a good example for them, make it more bearable for them when their time comes. It seems your parents did that for you. It's what I want to do for those I leave behind.

    Don't know why we, as adults, can't be trusted with a pill that we can take ourself when no quality of life is left.This, of course, is highly controversial and not doubt there can be pitfalls. But I am ever on the lookout to give me peace in this last chapter. There is debilitating stroke and dementia in my family, sometimes worrying me out of my mind.
    What about love notes? You obviously don't grasp my situation at all.

     
    Old 07-09-2012, 01:06 PM   #11
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    So sorry for any misunderstanding. Was only referring to myself.

    Last edited by tinam7; 07-09-2012 at 01:08 PM.

     
    Old 07-17-2012, 03:48 PM   #12
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    Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    You may want to let him or the family read some info. about home hospice - comfort care. If he will die soon, hospice can be very useful to him. On the other hand, it is his choice how to die. If he is in denial, and prefers that it just happens, it is his choice too.
    Traditionally people just die without any hospice long time ago. So maybe he prefers to die naturally. Try to talk to the family about it. Find out how bad he will suffer when he dies. Usually some comfort like the water over the lips helps if he will starve. If he does not want feeding tube, it is another question for him to answer. Hospice does not offer feeding tubes. Hospice can teach you what to do and what not to do.
    I am sorry that your Dad is dying.

    Hugs,
    Nina

    Last edited by ninamarc; 07-17-2012 at 03:55 PM.

     
    Old 07-20-2012, 06:43 PM   #13
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    Post Re: When everyone's in denial but me?

    Hi

    I had a similar situation 3 months ago with my dad. He was dying of liver cancer and although the doctors were straight several times with him that he was going to die from this he acted like nothing was happening and he carried on with life more or less until a few days until he died. I desperately tried to tell professionals that my dad wasnt understanding that he was dying but they said he did and he just wanted to cross that bridge until it came to the end and that was his way of dealing with it. Unfortunately I was right and he didn’t understand. It took him being very weak, very ill and basically 24 hours before he died we were talking about hospices and he said "I don’t mind going into one but I want to get better and come out again" I had to sit down with him and explain he was dying and if he went in he may not, although not definite, come out again. It was one of the hardest conversations I had to have with him but it was a good conversation to have as we then discussed where he wants to die.

    Although hard I would have this conversation with your relative and although this may be hard to accept, at the end of the day this is HIS life and as long as he starts to understand he is dying (you may have to be blunt and this is upsetting but at the time I felt this is the only way my dad would understand) then you have to accept that only HE can choose where he wants to die as this is HIS life no - one else’s and no - one, not even you has any right in telling him where he should die even if you mean the best. (put yourself in his shoes - would you want someone else to choose where you died?) As for your relatives maybe they are in denial but maybe this is their own way of coping but I also looked up the 5 stages of grief/bereavement and the first stage is actually Denial so that may be the stage your relatives are going through at the moment, (the person who is also dying can also go through this stage too before accepting they are going to die.) Maybe have a conversation with your relative on your own or with someone who is on your side that you can trust (I luckily had my fiancÚ) and then have a conversation with your relatives.

    Personally my dad had mentioned about dying at home but as he got weaker it was hard for us to ascertain what he wanted although we were pretty sure he wanted to die at home. The professionals eg nurses, doctors talked about hospice care but it was a bank holiday so it was going to be arranged on the Tuesday morning after the bank holiday weekend. My dad died on the Easter Monday night. I definitely agree with one poster who said people die when they are ready and I’m pretty sure my dad died on the Easter Monday for a reason because had he survived the night he would of ended up dying in a hospice somewhere and we all agreed as a family that is not what he would of wanted.

    There is a minefield of stuff about getting ready for someone to die at home, yes it is scary but there is lots to say and this post is already long. The internet has lots of articles and informaion to help you out. Also feel free to pm me if you want.

    Good Luck and Hugs

    Izzabella256
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    Last edited by Izzabella256; 07-25-2012 at 03:31 AM. Reason: rectified spelling mistakes

     
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