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  • Weary and Lost at 60

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    Old 08-07-2015, 09:44 AM   #1
    Too Nice
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    Post Weary and Lost at 60

    I am a 60 year old man that feels more lost now than when I was 20 years old. At least at 20, I was lost, but still felt I had my life ahead of me and had time to figure things out. Now at 60, I am just depressed, lost, and hopeless……and weary of fighting it anymore.

    On the surface most of those around me would never suspect how depressed and hopeless I really am all the time. You see, I had parents that taught me to “smile and laugh no matter what”, they appeared to be optimistic and always able to find humor and laughter through their problems. I had always wondered why I was the one that was worried, depressed and sad, why couldn’t I be more like them?

    I was also the younger brother to a sister that was pretty, smart, popular, confident and somewhat self-centered. So I had that act to follow through growing up in school and being compared to why I “couldn’t be more like her….”. Not her fault that she had these things going on for her, just the cards I was dealt were fell into the category of being very average – not especially smart in school, not popular, not very good looking, and very shy.

    As I look back now, I think my parents were probably depressed and struggling too, given that my father was a functioning alcoholic and my mother jumped from one thing to another never able to be content with her life. So I learned how to smile, joke, and laugh on the outside to make everyone around me feel good. Humor was kind of all I had going for me. I feel like I have been an actor most of the life - wearing a mask to cover up so people will like me and not know the truth.

    I am a people pleaser, hate to say no to anyone when they need help, worry about everyone else around me and their problems. I do get a lot of pleasure out of helping others, but end up in many cases owning and worrying more about their problems than they do.

    I have also been a caregiver to both my parents, now am looking after a 90 year old mother-in-law. People have always told me you are a “nice guy” and on occasion, have been told you are “too nice” (can you really be too nice in this world…not sure). It’s feels like a vicious cycle and interesting to me how some people want to tell you “what is wrong with you”?

    Tried it all; self-help books, self-hypnosis, meditation, exercise when feeling depressed, been on anti-depressions for about 15 years now, tried herbal supplements, therapy, prayer and faith. Each helped some – or for a short period of time. In spite of some best efforts, that dark shadow never goes completely away for some of us, does it?

    I ask myself, “why can’t I be happy and not sad all the time?” and try to be thankful for what I do have in my life – a wonderful wife, two great daughters that I still have a wonderful loving relationship even now as they are adults. So overall a great loving family – what the heck is wrong with me? Most of my depression and anxiety probably comes from job stress over the years, debt trying to raise a family, and just life survival which doesn’t make me unique. Just feel like you can never see a “light at the end of the tunnel”. Now at 60, just feel lost and hopeless that it will never honestly get any better than it is now. The word “weary” is what I probably thing captures it the best at this point. Am I a pessimist or a realist that just feels he is tired of dealing with it anymore?

    I have periodically had those very dark thoughts of being tired of living and not wanting to go on anymore. The thing that always stops me is the thought of what kind of an impact would it have on my family and how selfish of me. So I can’t bear the thought of hurting them that way. I continue to pray for forgiveness, strength, and the will to overcome my financial problems and depression.

    I have learned over the years that there isn’t that single “magic solution”. At this point in my life I am tired of feeling alone and wondering now - if anyone else feels this way too? How do you get out of that deep hole when you feel you have struggled for 40 years with depression and nothing has really worked – weary and tired? I hate to admit it, but just am tired of going on like this and don’t want to live to a ripe old age over the next 20 years like this anymore…..Geez.

     
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    Old 08-07-2015, 10:55 AM   #2
    xx32
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    Re: Weary and Lost at 60

    I believe that loneliness and not having much to do are the causes of your depression. Try interacting more with your family, and join social groups where you'll find other people who can relate to the issues you're facing. Considering spreading what you've learnt over the years to younger people by participating in the community, maybe in the library, because spreading your knowledge will make you feel good. Donating to charity and improving other people's lives will will also make you feel good. These are just suggestions.

    The best thing to do would be to write on a piece of paper or even on the computer what you're feeling, so as to reflect. You might not know it, but you already do know the answers to your questions; they're just there somewhere, and by reflecting and writing about them you'll automatically realize many things and find the answers.

    Last edited by xx32; 08-07-2015 at 10:58 AM.

     
    Old 08-07-2015, 10:56 AM   #3
    xx32
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    Re: Weary and Lost at 60

    I believe that loneliness and not having much to do are the causes of your depression. Try interacting more with your family, and join social groups where you'll find other people who can relate to the issues you're facing. Considering spreading what you've learnt over the years to younger people by participating in the community, maybe in the library, because spreading your knowledge will make you feel good. Donating to charity and improving other people's lives will will also make you feel good. These are just suggestions.

    The best thing to do would be to write on a piece of paper or even on the computer what you're feeling, so as to reflect. You might not know this, but you already do know the answers to your questions; they're just there somewhere, and by reflecting and writing about your situation you will realize many things and find the answers.

    Good luck.

    Last edited by xx32; 08-07-2015 at 02:06 PM.

     
    Old 08-07-2015, 12:47 PM   #4
    marrude
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    Re: Weary and Lost at 60

    I feel similarly to Too Nice, and I'm 74 with nothing that works for me. I have a constant low grade depression that is always there, and I, too, can't imagine living any longer like this. I also have a wonderful husband, two daughters with whom I have a decent relationship, and two grandsons. I love them all. but nothing is enough for me. Nothing that I try works. Been on meds for over 20 years. Maybe keeps major depression at bay, but I still have the lethargy, lack of motivation, loneliness, and feel like my life is just sapped out of me. So, Too Nice, I can't give you any advice. The blind leading the blind, in this case.

     
    Old 09-02-2015, 08:00 AM   #5
    kathryn+2
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    Re: Weary and Lost at 60

    I'm 63 and feeling exactly the same way. When you are depressed it's hard to make yourself go out and interact with other people. I just don't have the energy anymore to fake it when inside I'm sad . I have found though that exercise helps. That's something one can do without much social interaction. I'm taking a yoga class and I do lap swimming 3 days a week at the gym pool. At least it gets me out of the house and I always feel better afterwards. My husband and I have always been very close .He recently took a new job ( I'm retired ,he isn't yet. We merged our business with a larger one and he went to work for them.) He comes home exhausted and burned out and doesn't seem to have the energy for me anymore. That sure isn't helping with my depression. I do have hope for the future. I'm hoping that once my husband's new job becomes more routine we can come back together again. I'm hoping with time I will be able to work through this somehow. The yoga and swimming do help. Have you considered joining a gym? Or maybe taking up jogging or bicycling? Even just walking would be good.
    Take care ...Kathryn

     
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