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hannah482 09-28-2017 01:05 PM

Self Gaslighting
Hi everyone! This might be long so I apologize for that, but I'm about to loose my mind.

I am 24 years old and have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 18/19 years old. It got treated and I was doing wonderful! I was holding down a job and things were going smoothly and it was lovely so I stopped taking my meds, and nothing had changed! It had taught me that I can do it and I can strong enough and that it was still okay to have some worries and bad days, but I knew it wouldn't last and it was wonderful!

For the past year I have been playing with the idea of moving out of my mothers house. She's a toxic person, always negative, selfish, and it brings everyone down. Anything I needed help with she either refused or I was just a bother to her and made me feel bad. One thing was I need help getting my drivers license and she would sit in front of me and tell me to go get it but when I asked her for help she would refuse. She was the reason why I stopped taking my medication, it was too much of a bother to go to the doctors and therapist (also stopped allergy shots for this reason). So I met someone and we hit it off rather quickly, and long story short I decided to move in with him. I left my home town, my friends, my favorite coworkers just to get a better opportunity for myself and to get away from my mom. And everything is wonderful. There's no stress, no worries, we're having fun and making new friends and I don't have someone making me feel bad for having fun and it's great!

I got a job in the same line of work I was doing before (I work in convenience stores) which is what I love doing. I have over 3 years experience with everything, so when I started at this new store everything came easy to me. My co workers are awful tho. They're so passive aggressive, they tell me I can't do the work fast enough/good enough so don't bother, then I get yelled at for not doing anything. As is when I stand at register for 10 hours straight I feel like I'm not helping the store any. I just stand. So I ask for things to do and they basically tell me "no and shut up we're working". I get dirty looks, I get whispers, I clearly am not welcomed here. At first I thought it was because I was new. Everyone is annoyed with the newbie. So I let it go and now a few months later it's not getting any better. I walk in that store and the disapproval and annoyance and bitterness just ooze and radiate off of them. And with my anxiety, it feeds into that.

So here I am now, still working because I need a pay check, but I'm constantly miserable. I get sick before going into work, I get sick coming out of work. Forget having a day off because I just dread going back in and sulk about that fact. These people took something that I love doing and just killed it right in front of me. And I think to myself "I can do this, I'm better than that, just ignore them they're bitter and that's their problem so why do I feel this way?" And I constant battle between "you are 100% allowed to feel this way" and "suck it up buttercup, you're being crazy/too sensitive" and then I think about what they would think if I left. "She left because of US?! Oh she's way to weak/sensitive!" For the record I am trying to leave and get a new job.

I've never done this gaslighying thing before let alone to myself. I've had my mother tell me constantly when I was growing up that I'm too sensitive and it wasn't fun for her. And then I have in a 5 year abusive relationship that was filled with gas lighting. But I always thought I was tough enough for this, and I'm not, and I'm scared and don't know what to do.

sw403 10-22-2017 11:59 AM

Re: Self Gaslighting
It sounds like you have lots of valuable experience and someone would want to snatch you up as an employee. In the meantime, have you tried meditating? That might help. You might also want to check out an organization called "Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families" - see if they have meetings in your area. That might help, too.

Kote 11-08-2017 06:12 AM

Re: Self Gaslighting
You are tough enough. You can make it through this. Meditation can help. And don't be afraid to look for a new job. I'm sure with your experience you can find one that's right for you with people who aren't mean to you.

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