| Self Gaslighting
Hi everyone! This might be long so I apologize for that, but I'm about to loose my mind.
I am 24 years old and have been diagnosed with anxiety and depression when I was 18/19 years old. It got treated and I was doing wonderful! I was holding down a job and things were going smoothly and it was lovely so I stopped taking my meds, and nothing had changed! It had taught me that I can do it and I can strong enough and that it was still okay to have some worries and bad days, but I knew it wouldn't last and it was wonderful!
For the past year I have been playing with the idea of moving out of my mothers house. She's a toxic person, always negative, selfish, and it brings everyone down. Anything I needed help with she either refused or I was just a bother to her and made me feel bad. One thing was I need help getting my drivers license and she would sit in front of me and tell me to go get it but when I asked her for help she would refuse. She was the reason why I stopped taking my medication, it was too much of a bother to go to the doctors and therapist (also stopped allergy shots for this reason). So I met someone and we hit it off rather quickly, and long story short I decided to move in with him. I left my home town, my friends, my favorite coworkers just to get a better opportunity for myself and to get away from my mom. And everything is wonderful. There's no stress, no worries, we're having fun and making new friends and I don't have someone making me feel bad for having fun and it's great!
I got a job in the same line of work I was doing before (I work in convenience stores) which is what I love doing. I have over 3 years experience with everything, so when I started at this new store everything came easy to me. My co workers are awful tho. They're so passive aggressive, they tell me I can't do the work fast enough/good enough so don't bother, then I get yelled at for not doing anything. As is when I stand at register for 10 hours straight I feel like I'm not helping the store any. I just stand. So I ask for things to do and they basically tell me "no and shut up we're working". I get dirty looks, I get whispers, I clearly am not welcomed here. At first I thought it was because I was new. Everyone is annoyed with the newbie. So I let it go and now a few months later it's not getting any better. I walk in that store and the disapproval and annoyance and bitterness just ooze and radiate off of them. And with my anxiety, it feeds into that.
So here I am now, still working because I need a pay check, but I'm constantly miserable. I get sick before going into work, I get sick coming out of work. Forget having a day off because I just dread going back in and sulk about that fact. These people took something that I love doing and just killed it right in front of me. And I think to myself "I can do this, I'm better than that, just ignore them they're bitter and that's their problem so why do I feel this way?" And I constant battle between "you are 100% allowed to feel this way" and "suck it up buttercup, you're being crazy/too sensitive" and then I think about what they would think if I left. "She left because of US?! Oh she's way to weak/sensitive!" For the record I am trying to leave and get a new job.
I've never done this gaslighying thing before let alone to myself. I've had my mother tell me constantly when I was growing up that I'm too sensitive and it wasn't fun for her. And then I have in a 5 year abusive relationship that was filled with gas lighting. But I always thought I was tough enough for this, and I'm not, and I'm scared and don't know what to do.
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