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  • A little scattered history of my misery

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    Old 04-17-2018, 01:39 PM   #1
    orlog's Avatar
    Join Date: Apr 2018
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    orlog HB User
    Unhappy A little scattered history of my misery

    Hello All,

    I have a history of depression that spans almost 15 years on and off. I am about to turn 35 and I really am feeling down about life right now, I am so bored with everything and everyone. I feel like I am just going through the motions to stay alive. I do not have any friends, I have a girlfriend of 10 years that I live with – she and my parents, including my very handicapped brother and somewhat nasty sister are all I have in this world. Sure, I know people at work, but they stay at work. They do not have much in common with me, and no one seems to want to talk about big pictures things like I do…most are interested in the latest TV show or sports game. I like to talk about anthropology, psychology, astronomy, computer science, education.

    These things seem too big to talk to my work friends about – my girlfriend is about the only other person I can talk to about these things. My father will talk to me about these things but he is so wrapped up in my brother’s care – not because he is needed as much as he feels obligated – I was ignored by him as a child and adult mostly unless he wanted to use me as a sounding board for her woes.

    I have lost interest in everything. I smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, have a lap-band but cheat it with liquid food and am up to 240LBS, used to weigh 400+, low weight was 162. So I guess its good It keeps me down some.

    They thought I was bipolar when I was younger but decided it was just severe depression. I have has two courses of 14 sessions of ECT when I was 20. My grandfather died that year of lung cancer and I just “faked it,” and did okay for a while. I was 400LBS at this time. I did the lapband a couple years later and felt great. Met my girlfriend, and we moved in together (never lucky in love before her, was with an abusive woman for year before that, did the eHarmony thing and took the first girl who liked me). My friend was taking advantage of me at the time and I did not see it. He lived in my home rent free, etcetera.

    I racked up credit card debt and paid it off repeatedly. I bought another house, racked up a ton of debt on repairs, paid it down, then racked up so much that we sold our house and moved into my parent’s basement to pay it all off and reboot our lives(Dave Ramsey style). My girlfriend lost several jobs in her own funk, had to file a chapter 7 because her mother stole her identity (then her mother died), I did the legwork on chapter 7 for her and she goes out gets two accounts, then fails to make payments destroying her credit even more, and lies to me the whole time telling me all is good.

    I have been at my job for 18 years, started when I was 16. My co-workers hate me because I am not like them and have used FMLA leave and left them doing more work than they needed to do for several months, I am the grunt work guy so they(not by choice, by politics) had to actually "work". Got hurt on my job twice and was out 11 months total. They have never let me live it down or make it up. I am not into gaming, sports, and have no children – so we have little in common. I try every day, but they talk about me behind my back, a coworker once advised me to record them on my day off. I left a voice-activated recorder going on my desk – the things they said about me…still haunt me. They said I was a loser, fat(i have body dysmorphic issues so this hurts so much), ugly, and trash(lived on the wrong side of town). My girlfriend is overweight; they made fun of her as well. I hold an AS in IT, a BS in Adult learning theory with a minor in Computer Science, a MSMIT, a MBA, and soon – a MS degree work is paying for.

    Another reason for our move was not just to pay off debt, but also help care for my mother in the evenings while my dad worked. She has been battling cancer since 2016. The night before she went in for her latest surgery, my grandmother died – found out after my mother’s surgery that not only was her radiation not effective, she is now terminal – all in the same day - lost my grandmother and will lose my mom soon.

    My dad is very passive aggressive and thinks he is so strong and superior to me in every way – he talks about people behind their backs constantly, he has closed me off totally now. My mother, bless her, treats me like a child and only talks about how her son in law is so awesome because he is a nurse and gets to be off work 4 days a week and makes close to what I make - and that I should have done better in my life, yadda, yadda.

    My brother throws rage attacks and tears up the house. My girlfriend and I cannot leave – we owe 30k on our debt consolidation loan and cannot afford rent or a mortgage with the monthly payment on this loan. I don’t know when my mother will die, 6-14 months is best they can do if chemo works, maybe less maybe longer – there is no protocol for her kind of cancer.

    Therefore, I am stuck in this basement with my growing fat self, my girlfriend getting fatter and we watch TV all day when we are off or take care of my mother – there is nothing else. School is a bore to me, it is so easy.

    My girlfriend spent years lying to me about her progress in school, after 8 years she is graduating community college and that is because I pushed her and did a few classes for her. She was in a deep depression over losing her mom 5 years ago and it just lifted, she is getting into a highly sought after degree program but I am unsure she can do the work and she is 36…I think it’s too late for her to launch a career. I make most of the money and pay for most things; she gives me money to pay on the debt and buys her own personal things – groceries and such – I paid off her car recently and her student debt is large. My own is depressingly large, but I am on an IBR plan that I can live with and I paid off my private loans already.

    I had a DUI (I know, I am dumb monster, I hear it enough) about 4 years ago and that was due to a stupid mistake, never drove drunk before, and thankfully I was caught before I did any harm – so stupid. I do not own my cars, my girlfriend’s credit is too bad to carry insurance, I cannot afford insurance on my own, so my dad thankfully took our cars on and I pay him for the insurance - but I hear about it all the time, how much he "does for us, and no one does for him." Yet I bathe my brother, give him meds, and feed him each night - been doing the same for my mother.

    I feel horrible about myself. I do not have a passion. I want to teach but have no energy to make a CV and have no experience teaching - but I feel I could offer a good perspective on the community college level to students.

    My job is good and secure, but not rewarding.

    At the end of the day…I feel like an idiot with no passion and has wasted most his youth. I feel unattractive, and after all the money lies and lies about school I stay with my girlfriend because she accepts me and does not complain – otherwise I do not find her attractive and she is lazy unless I give her tasks to do, she does them poorly. She promises no more lies, but she has lied so much in the past I do not know if I should believe her or not.

    I know this does not make a ton a sense, and is all broken up, I just had to get it out.

    I hate my life.

    Last edited by orlog; 04-18-2018 at 06:27 AM.

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