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    Old 01-05-2004, 01:31 PM   #1
    Mission_Void
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    Post Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Just feel like mouthing something here. I'm in my 40's never married and except for a couple of roommates back in the early to mid 80's I have been alone. Being alone isn't what the biggest worry is, it's trying to feel this big void in my life. I don't know what to do with myself, but am seeing a psychologist for starters. With me I don't know if therapists ever help. Like reading a book. You read. You absorb. You practice and put it to use. I have a hard time getting to the practice mode because I can't remember what I've read as others have pointed out here. And to read you need to comprehend it and GET into it. I can't.

    So I go to a therapist and listen and talk and try to reason with what's said because to me that's easier than reading and besides you're hopefully talking to a professional that knows something about your personal probs. You hope! Ok, so I understand a lot about what they're saying and areas to work on. But it doesn't always go like that. I'm not saying I can't change, but that's what I'm thinking. Are we depressed for so long that that seems to be a normal way of life for some? Modify my thinking? Hm!

    I know a lot of people are deep down in a dark well and may be scared to death. I really feel for them as my depression has been more or less steady at moderate to severe levels. Sometimes I don't even know if or how bad I'm depressed since I've been this way such a long time with no relief or happiness of any kind. It's just that I have been depressed for about 25 years or so and guess I've adjusted to it somewhat. I think we do that. But at the same time I know there is better out there. And it's so frustrating not to be able to get the kind of help we need. Then nothing may work at all. I mean meds, therapy, or other. Many of us will be fortunate to at least partially recover, some a little and some none.

    One of my biggest drawbacks is fear. That's sort of hard to describe. Fearful of life in general I guess. Life can be like box of chocolates. (Remember Forrest Gump?) My chocolates always seem to be rotten inside or old and hard. I do seem to have a big problem with fear though. I may even have paranoid tendencies. Defined as, (1) A psychosis characterized by systematized delusions of persecution or gradeur usually without hallucinations. (2) A tendency on the part of an individual or group toward excessive or irrational suspiciousness and distrustfulness of others.

    I plan on discussing some of these things with my therapist next time. I feel it's really something I need to get at the bottom with once and for all so I can move on. (hopefully) Thanks. MV

    Last edited by Mission_Void; 01-05-2004 at 01:34 PM.

     
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    Old 01-06-2004, 10:24 AM   #2
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Fear, I know all about that. It's the one thing that's had the biggest effect on my life. I think I've always been afraid. The thing is when I focus my thoughts on one thing, one action. Like talking to a stranger, I have no problem. It's more of a general feeling that is always there, I am always afraid. It sucks and I've let it rule me. I have become a hermit who almost never leaves my room, much less the house. I have no job, thinking about getting one makes me want to vomit. I have worked before, and when I have a job I'm fine with it, It's just the getting it part that I have the problem with. Every dream for my life has become just that, a dream. I live moment to moment, distracting myself from thinking about where I am, who I am. I wish I could start over as someone else, I think anything would be better than this life I have. If I could give away my health, my years that are left to me to someone else I think I would. It's become that bad. Wow that's pretty depressing, but I think I can relate. Good luck with your therapist.

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    Old 01-06-2004, 03:02 PM   #3
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Fear is imobilizing. Like the pendulum on a clock. If it don't swing it won't work and frozen in time-not moving not growing. Years pass. Asking ones self am I at the same place I was? Where is the ying and let there be yang. Expectation and dissappointment. Hope and dispair. Where there is risk of failure there is risk of success and with each success the stakes are higher. To succeed failure is an option. Is it nature vs nurture? I think its both. Is it mind over matter? This is an overgeneralized notion that somehow we are in control...Telling a depressed person to cheer up is like telling someone hyperactive to calm down. Hormones and chemical reactions have something to do with it. I believe there are other forces at work like hormones, chemicals, experience, chance... Are some stronger mentally then others? I think so. It's about getting stronger and healthier. Anxiety is a plague. Do I want to be confrontational? No. If I am not confronting the issue am I better for it? No. Facing the fow fear takes gutz but what is worse, facing it or fighting it? If I do something to try to better a situation and it flops am I worse for it? Maybe at first, however fighting back the tendancy of inclination and redirecting so I'm understood makes it all worth while. It's like a camera lens that needs continual readjustment and the cost of re-adjusting the lens each time is feeling the anxiety that comes with confronting discord.

     
    Old 01-06-2004, 03:12 PM   #4
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    I was diognosed as being clinicly depressed since the age of 8, I'll be 19 in May. I can honestly say that I understand everything you have just wrote. Ive also been diognosed with Schyzophrenia and am supposed to be taking 200 mgs of Serqual a day. Which I dont, nor do I take anti depressents.
    I have no advice for you, but I wanted to let you know that there are other people who feel the way you do, you're not alone in this.
    If you ever want to talk to someone besides a pro, feel free to email me any time.
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    Old 01-07-2004, 04:52 PM   #5
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Black Circle; Gemi, thanks for responding. I agree about facing fears, most fears. And then there's that fear of failure and looking like a *&%$*. But it can be worthwhile to try. What am I to know the result. Practice and learn from mistakes. Move forward, look ahead and don't cower all the time. I think that's your drift. Yes it makes sense.

    There was a time when I was younger that I WOULD NOT trade places with anybody. Didn't matter who it was it seemed. I was willing to live my life and take my chances good or bad. I even knew at that time that Tom, Joe, or Sam had a better life than I. I was wishing to be popular and successful like them.

    Now of course I would give an arm or leg (figure of speech) to have a normal average happy life as anyone is having. I try not to think like that anymore. It's not going to do any good and God gave me this life I believe for some reason. I'm still learning what I'm to do with it though. I had better get going instead of turning into a piece of moss clinging to as rock in a stream.

    I understand about trading off. We live life day by day, or I do anyway. Same ole crap everyday. I keep hoping for something new and different to happen, but I am just standing there and not doing anything to help my situation. How much can I take? I don't know, but my patience is growing thin. See you-all around. Keep the faith some. Something to keep you going and hoping. MV

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 02:02 PM   #6
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Mission Void. Not knowing who your are its really hard to understand your situation. Everyone's situation is different and they go about it in different ways. You say you have a void in your life you want to fill. Tell me something, what do you desire, what do you want out of life while you are still here. What do you think will make you a happier person. If you can figure that out you should pursue it with all that you are. In your mind what is a average normal life? Your just inviting depression and failure if you do not work towards your goals and be more determined to be happier. I know that all too well and Im really not one to talk but I have a couple severe affliction that really keep me from putting forth the necessary effort I should. The fear is definitely something I understand, its like a brick wall standing infront of you and inbetween everything you desire in life. Bu tthe thing you must understand about that brick wall of fear is that, that wall isnt really there. Its all in your mind. The question is where do you find the courage to overcome it. In my case, I find a way to face it, unfortunately It kinda backfired on me and I became even worst than I was. I think I bit off more than I could swallow at the time. I took too big of a step and my humpty dumpty butt fell off the wall and Im still right now picking up the pieces. But onething I realized is that if you find that courage and self confidence you can overcome anything. What will it take for you? Id be interested in hearing more about what u think.

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 02:26 PM   #7
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Hey there, first let me say that I know what depression can do and as funny as it sounds to someone who doesn't know, even change for the better is scary. All of the what if's and what if I get a taste of better then have to go back to this??
    Your quote in you're signature concerns me because as a depressed person I see something others may not. You may be judging yourself too harshly and focusing on what you THINK you should be capable of. You sound like an intelligent, warm human being, but I'd bet you've put up walls that make the Great Wall of China look like a garden fence!!
    I can only tell you what I've seen and lived, but I would guess that you've become accustomed to depression because that's what you needed to do to survive. Well, you survived now it's time to get out of the rut. As far as the reading and all that goes, attention span and comprehension are affected by depression. If you like the therapist keep going and if not, change.
    The best counselor I ever had I found after a sexual assault and at times I hated him!! Because he wouldn't let me hide behind my bs "I'm fine" or wear my rose colored glasses. He would call me on it, and sure as ^&% he was right.....that's when I got ticked...and it would take up to two weeks to go back.
    So, I guess all I can say, is keep movin', even if it's forward at a snails pace, it's forward. And one day you'll look back and realize that you made it out of that rut and not quite sure when it all happened.

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 03:49 PM   #8
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    Post Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    MaddHatter and Angel77,
    Thank you for responding. MaddHatter you told me about some affliction you carry now, but didn't describe it. You don't have to. I'm sorry this has happened to you. You sound like a fighter yourself though.

    Sometimes I get so angry and frustrated that I have to or want to sound off. I hope I don't comes off as being too dramatic. Believe me everything I say is true. I grew up with a sick alcoholic father. I was never physically abused thank the Lord, but there was a lot of mental abuse from both parents. My dads drinking affected my mother. I was too young at the time to have a mind or a say. I just knew I had better do what they say.

    My parents were also not very educated. Dad didn't finish school. Mom went to school in a small town out in the country called Galena, KS. I don't blame them for anything now. Of course there were times when you did. I think that's only normal. Well, it can still happen to some, but I don't now. Because people are so angry at why they're screwed up and they can't seem to get a grip or fix their life to a more workable one. Parenting (good parenting) is where it's at. I wasn't given that. It's all past now and I have to look at my future.

    You asked, " What is average normal life?" That is a good question and it can vary from person to person. But I guess I'm talking about the laws of average. The average well adjusted person. So yes, normal can be different to different people. Some people might think I'm normal. In some ways I am. But much less in other areas.

    What do I want out of life? I want peace! I want my fears taken away. I want to be confident. I want to meet someone special. How do I do that? That's a tough one to me MaddHatter. Do you agree? I am seeing a psychologist now, but have only started. I have taken that step at least. Where that goes I don't know. I'm not ready to rot just yet. You have to have fight. If you don't you're good as dead. Sometimes I feel like I am or have been for a long time. Stranded in time. Living in the "Twilight Zone." Zombized! Ouch!

    Yes! Change for the better can be scary. It's all unfamiliar until we practice, or use and begin to accept it. I agree. It can depend on other factors. And yes that is a step forward. Even a snails pace is positive. I need confidence so bad it's like I don't even know the meaning of the word. I would have less fear if I had more confidence. What a toughy that is, but slowly accessible.

    Thanks for your knowledge and support guys. I like hearing from people. Good luck to you-all. MV

    Last edited by Mission_Void; 01-08-2004 at 03:53 PM.

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 04:52 PM   #9
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Hey Mission Void,
    I can completely relate to what you are talking about. I am also in my 40s and am still single and live alone. I also grew up with an alcoholic parent (my mom) and now have to deal with an abusive alcoholic brother who lives with my elderly father. My depression, fears and inability to develop a significant relationship probably has to do with both my chemical makeup and family environment. I feel that I'm my own worst enemy. The lonliness is completely overwhelming me and I feel pathetic. This creates more negativity in my brain and I'm sure I project that to other people and potential boyfriends. It becomes like a self-fullfilling prophecy. I barely go out anymore (partly because all my friends are married with kids).

    Anyway, I have no answers for you but wanted to chime in because sometimes it's good to know you are not alone (at least in cyberspace). I hope you have luck with your therapy.

    holst

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 06:23 PM   #10
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by holst
    Hey Mission Void,
    I can completely relate to what you are talking about. I am also in my 40s and am still single and live alone. I also grew up with an alcoholic parent (my mom) and now have to deal with an abusive alcoholic brother who lives with my elderly father. My depression, fears and inability to develop a significant relationship probably has to do with both my chemical makeup and family environment. I feel that I'm my own worst enemy. The lonliness is completely overwhelming me and I feel pathetic. This creates more negativity in my brain and I'm sure I project that to other people and potential boyfriends. It becomes like a self-fullfilling prophecy. I barely go out anymore (partly because all my friends are married with kids).

    Anyway, I have no answers for you but wanted to chime in because sometimes it's good to know you are not alone (at least in cyberspace). I hope you have luck with your therapy.

    holst
    Thank you. Please ring in any time. I'll be around. Good luck! I had more than this written, but somehow it vanished. Tsh!

    Last edited by Mission_Void; 01-08-2004 at 06:25 PM.

     
    Old 01-08-2004, 09:40 PM   #11
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Life is truly what you make of it. I didn't take responsibility for what those chose to do to me when I was not old enough to have a choice, but I did take responsibility for what I chose to become as an adult.
    Self-confidence is up to you. If you depend on others for it, it can be taken away, if it comes from within, no one can take it!! Don't worry, physician heal thyself, still working on this one too. But you will need many different things in place to accomplish this. First I would get on the right meds for you, get the right counselor, and maybe find books on your situation from someone who's been there. If it's of interest to you, it will be a lot easier to read.
    As cheesy as it sounds, write down some positive affermations and leave them where you'll see them the most often. I can't manage to do it because I don't want my husband to see...not that he'll laugh, but because I still feel a little dumb for doing it. But I'll tell you what I do, there's a song by Christina Aguilera, called Beautiful and the video is odd to say the least. But it shows that beauty is on the inside and if you start to believe it, it will show.
    I don't see myself the way others do and have a hard time excepting compliments. I do dog rescue, work with domestic violence and rape survivors to place protection animals and companion or service animals with disabled adults and children. When people say I'm a good person I pass it off as it wasn't me the person, it was the job that was done. I want to crawl out of my skin when I hear people describe me. I've been called an Earth bound angel, have a heart of gold, so sweet, blah blah blah, but if they only knew how I felt inside what would they say??? Don't know, not gonna tell!!! What they don't know won't hurt me and what I have issues with doesn't mean others do. Gotta figure it out on my own.
    You will survive. It's not human nature to quit. Sometimes I wonder if we're that strong or just that stupid...no offense meant, but I'm sure most of you have wondered.

     
    Old 01-09-2004, 04:28 AM   #12
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Angel77 thanks for your great post. Mission Void should definitely take account to alot of what you've said. I agree with alot of what you said. Me personally, I disagree that life is what you make of it. Especially if your born disadvantaged or became disadvantaged sometime in your life. And you can be disadvantaged in so many ways, its a broad case. Just like you said, you weren't able to take responsibility because you weren't old enough to. Its not your fault. You had no choice. And ultimately it alters what you want to become later in life. Lets say what happened to you when you were young never happened, imagine how your life would be then, probably completely different. As with me, its like if only certain things in my life didnt happen to me or if i made certain decisions i should have made that i didnt, my life would be completely different. Mission Void if you could go back in your life and change one thing what would it be. For me it would be several things that ultimately determined what my life is now. It could be just a 2 sec moment that could have completely altered everything in your life. I wouldnt be sitting here on a health board trying to overcome depression. The tricky thing about self confidence is that yes, it must come from within but its also important that it comes from others as well. Its just human nature to need to feel good about yourself and hear it from others. Be complimented, know that your liked and mean something to others. That Christina Aguilera song is funny in a way. Its a very positive song for teenagers. But she has to be the worst person for that song. I dont see her as a role model at all for young people. But so far as the song, well, its kinda hard for me to break down how I feel about stuff like that mainly cos, im about as far from beautiful as it gets. Its kinda easy not to let what anyone say bring you down when you actually are beautiful. But if you arent particularly pleased with how you look, what people say about you is going to affect you greatly. Especially in a world and society where how you look physically matters more than who you are on the inside. Thats the biggest thing I struggle with. Ok I sound bitter now, I shouldn't when Im trying to help someone but I wonder if you can relate Mission.

     
    Old 01-09-2004, 11:49 AM   #13
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Mission Void
    Have you done any inner child work? Or healing shame work? I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble filling your void. I hear you loud and clear and psychosis may be a possibility. A lot of psychotic people are depressed and can function in daily life and even work without actually pysically damaging other people or themselves. Also I want to suggest that you might have a personality disorder.

     
    Old 01-09-2004, 12:55 PM   #14
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Hey MadHatter, I used to always wonder what would have come of my life if all the bad hadn't happened, but the fact is I can't change it and I won't try because it's a hopeless effort.
    Let me give you a little insight into my life....My bio-father didn't want me, my father who adopted me died when I was 4, I was molested at 5, lived with a mom who used me as the scape goat for everything, was physically and verbally abusive, married the 3rd hubby who ignored us, 4th hubby was a drunk and molested me, she constantly berated me, and I had onset of Grave's disease at around 14. I met my husband at 15, started dating at 16 and was pregnant at 17. He was what kept me from falling completely apart and when the issues with hubby 4 went to police, my mom told me that if I went through with it she would spread my life out all over the papers, and tell everyone what a manipulative little B**** I was...I was more afraid of her and told the detective I was lying..he knew better but could do nothing.
    Then she told my soon to be in-laws that they should watch out for me because I would get knocked up just to trap their son....6 mos later, guess what??? That does stick in my head that I wonder what they think about that.
    We had always planned on marrying but bumped it up. I had so much to work through, I was a kid, getting ready to have a baby, and trying to grow up WITH my husband. The Grave's disease had not been diagnosed yet, so I was suffering horrible effects from it..my muscles in my legs were so weak that I couldn't walk up the stairs on my own, I had to crawl, I was only 19!! My hair was falling out, my legs itched so bad I scratched the skin off them, it triggered horrid anxiety attacks, and soooo much other stuff. I had post-partum depression so bad that I almost committed suicide several times. He stood by me the whole way.
    I was slowly getting away from my family, litterally dying a bit each day, at risk of dying from heart complications caused by the Grave's and was tyring to figure out what I would do if I didn't get the radiation in time and died with my son the only one home.
    In 2000 I was sexually assaulted by a massage therapist.....and this actually is what changed my life in the long run. I went to counseling and finally learned how I was going to cope and grew stronger. It made me face what I had held back soo long that I never knew it was still affecting me. Then I was in a few near miss car accidents, and had never recouped from the Grave's, like they said I would. So I went back for more tests and got handed the diagnosis of narcolepsy and I bawled for days. I was 23 and had an incurable brain problem that would make me sleep through life.
    I stuck my head in the sand, then I got pregnant with my second. I had ligament problems that caused my hip joints to partially fall out of the socket which made it all but impossible to walk at times and I would bawl the whole time I was shopping because I had no choice. One of my ligaments tore and dropped one of my legs a half inch longer and had to constantly have it adjusted. Then I went into pre-term labor again with this pregnancy. Thankfully my son was old enough to take care of himself for the most part. My family forgot I was alive and left me to crawl on hands and knees to keep the pressure off my cervix, it was pretty pitiful.
    My second was born only 2 wks early after 3 mos of bed rest. The friday before I had him I got a call from the professional licensing division to see if I could be in court that monday to testify against the massage therapist. I told him I'd try, but I was already in labor. I waddled in to court in full blown labor to testify. He tried every trick in the book to discredit me. Had it happened right after the assault I probably would have withered under the pressure. But I had enough time to grow some courage and stood my ground. I was having the hardest time not groaning, but it made them realize how serious I was about stopping him. In the end his license was revoked and some type of action was taken. Nothing on the police side, but I did get him.
    Then I gave birth and the narcolepsy got so bad that if it wasn't for my older son I don't know what would have happened. When my baby was about 3 mos old I had an attack to bad that I sounded like someone who was stroking out, my mouth couldn't get out the words, my muscles would not work and I was out for 2 hrs!! I woke up and my then 7 yr old had made him a bottle, changed his diaper and had him taking a nap!! So sweet but so wrong for a 7 yr old to experience this.
    I finally found a doc that would prescribe the meds I needed only to lose insurance and have no insurance company that would touch me with a 10' pole...now how do I get meds??? Still working on that one.
    BTW, I have also lost my bro, sis, cousin to rape and murder, uncle to murder, many friends to suicide or auto accidents, a total of about 40 in all and I'm not even 30.
    Now for the life is what you make of it part. I can't change what I have nor what happened to me on my little journey, but if you try to find all the bad in life you will find it. Each and every bad experience is not a catastrophe in and of itself, but when you put them all together, it's unbearable. Now, if you look for the good you'll find it..same rule applies, but if you look at them together, life isn't so bad. Keep the good in the huge ball and the bad as individual experiences.
    I can tell you the positives in my life and also tell you the positive things that came out of the negatives. My life growing up formed someone who knows how bad life hurts and gave me a mouth big enough to use it to help those who aren't so outspoken, living w/ a parent with probs taught me what I didn't want to do in life or as a parent, the sexual abuse gave me more insight into what some kids go through as well as a 6th sense about predators that most would miss, the medical probs gave an insight into the struggles of people with invisible disabilities, the sexual assault got me the counceling I needed to face things faster than would have happened on my own..if ever, taught me boundaries, marrying young saved my life, because the Grave's would have killed me, growing up with my husband and son helped keep me from doing myself in, the narcolepsy has not only educated me on several different things, but will be what opens the doors for me to go back to school. With out it I could not afford school, with it I qualify for a rehab program that will help me work from home and being a disabled woman will open the doors to grants that very few can get, then I will start up my business.
    I can honestly say that I wouldn't change anything. Yes I want my dad back and everyone else who is gone, but if just one thing had changed would I be with my soul mate, have 2 beautiful children, been able to help so many people and be on my way to starting my own business????
    That's what I mean by life is what you make of it. You can't change the bad, but if you look hard enough you can make a positive come out of it somewhere. I do still struggle, but I can say that I have never been more happy with my life and the pain that has been and still is has everything to do with who I am today.
    One of my favorite sayings is don't let the misery of the past dictate a miserable future.
    I'm sorry so long winded, but I wanted people to know, that I haven't had it all rosey, but choose to go forward and keep smilin'. If you can crack a smile you'll be just fine.

     
    Old 01-09-2004, 04:33 PM   #15
    Mission_Void
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    Re: Depressed for life? Do I want to stay this way?

    Angel77,
    After reading your last story there were times when I felt like I couldn't breath. I was amazed at what all you have gone through. To me it's a tragic thing to happen to someone and you have more or less come through it with help from some loved ones there at the end. I know about your early life struggles. Wow!

    You have survived and I praise you for that since many people would probably have taken their life or passed on a long time ago. I don't know. It does help to have a loving companion in your life. That is a fact. Plus you have two beautiful children. And that very fact would work miracles in my life now, no doubt. A companion that is.

    I'm not saying I won't ever try, because I am now at least going through therapy. Even after all these years of being stagnate I know I don't want to live this way forever. That's what I say. I'm not a seer and can't predict what I will do, just that I must do something to reduce shear boredom. Don't worry about me. I'll be fine.

    I am really sort of tired now, have been doing research on learning how to format my hard drive. Long story there. I am just inexperienced at this point, but am taking a stab at it one of these days when I feel like it.

    Thank you for sharing such a powerful story. I wish good things for you and your family. Write anytime. MV

    Last edited by Mission_Void; 01-09-2004 at 05:11 PM.

     
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