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    Old 02-28-2004, 09:37 PM   #1
    MaddHatter
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    Unhappy My Life is impossible

    Its over. Ive been discharged from the hospital. The insurance company has rejected my request for more days. I wasnt even on Partial hospitalization I was Intensive outpatient which is suppose to be cheaper. It really is just over. Im so sick and tired of fighting insurance companies and medical doctors for my own life. Noone cares. Noone in this world cares about anything or anyone. Those doctors dont care about anything about their paycheck and not missing their precious lunch break. There was a girl last week who was begging to see her doctor about her medication, she was crying and freaking out and the therapist came back in the room and said, im sorry, she told me she was on lunch break. I had to wait 3 weeks just to get a new perscription on my medication cos my doctor told me basically I couldnt take priority over anyone. Oh ok then Ill be fine for the next 3 weeks with no darn medication. These people make you wanna hurt yourself cos it just shows you how little they care and how unconcerned they are with the severity of your problems. There was a girl who cut herself last week and the nurse was like, "oh i think we have some band-aids." Im like look at the darn thing first! She might need stiches, or oinment or something i dunno. Guess im not qualified to determine that. Its been 10 years. I havent found the answers by now I never will. Im tired of hospitals im tired of therapists, im tired of all these pills making me nauseated. I feel like a lab rat. Cant function at work, cant sleep, losing my sanity. Depressed all the time, lonely. Anxiety driving me up the wall. No friends. No family. No life. Noone cares.

    I apologize to the world. I apologize for being so ugly world. Im so sorry. :'( I guess I cant blame you for not wanting to be my friend or girlfriend or wife or just to have anything to do with me. I cant help the way I was born. But you cant help being so repulsed by me. Im just that big ugly animal in the cage. Wouldnt want to touch me even with a stick. Funny thing is, Im more afraid of you than you are of me.


    I feel like im watching the hourglass of my life running out of sand. I still have that small ounce of hope. That one lil grain of sand. Trying my best to hold on. But my strength is fading. My faith is weak. My mom wanted to take me to see a movie with her today. I cried in my bed while she was at my door calling me, begging me to come with her. Telling me she would buy me a hot dog or nachos, just plz come out of your room. I just couldnt. :'(. Im buried so deep. I cant breathe. I just feel constant pain and lonliness. I cant do anything. Im dead inside. People say theyre here for me. And that Im not alone. I look around I see noone. I go online, i see no mail. I look on my phone, i see no calls. Noone has time. Noone cares. Im so tired of people telling me were friends. Just the dont call me ill call you types. I bet if I looked like Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt people would have time. lol Whole lot of time. lol. Whole lot of care. lol. Id have a ton of friends, tons of email tons of phone calls. lol. Yeah thats how it is. I bet if I had a mercedes benz or alot of money, people would have time. And would care. I remmeber when I first got my car, everyone wanted to hang out with me then. Well, not unless we were actually going somewhere in my car and if they could drive it. People dont really care about people. People care about what you have and what you look like. Thats all that matters.


    You theres a point in life where the world lets you know who you are, what you are, and what your place is. My therapist told me i need to learn to accept that which I cannot change in my life. And not to berate myself if I cant acheive the impossible. Well I cant. I cannot accept that there are things impossible for me but possible for others. What if the impossible is the basic things in life you need to survive. For me the impossible is what I have to acheive. If I cant I will die. Seems to be impossible for me to be happy. Impossible for me to escape my past. Shouldnt be impossible for me to find someone special. Shouldnt be impossible for me to wake up oneday without feeling just a overwhelming sense of pain and anxiety. Im not interested in learning how not to feel normal, feel happy, feel sane, feel love, feel healthy, basically feel alive. Ill never compromise my existence just cos of how I was born. Ill never accept anything to be impossible. Especially when the impossible has seemingly become not being able ot accept the way I look, my size, the color of my skin, never experiencing love or the embrace of a woman, never expereincing a life without depression. I have a lot of anomosity towards God. We are all supposedly all created equal. That means equal rights, ability, and oppurtunities in life. Tell that to a 9 year old child laying in a hospital with cancer. Or the people being oppressed all over the world. Or the homeless guy down the street sitting behind the store counting pennies. Or a child born with terminal illness or a birth defect. Or someone like me who has just lived a life of abuse and trauma. My mom wanted to take me to see Passion of Christ. I have no interest in seeing the suffering of Jesus. He died for our sins and for me to live. Yeah, sure. Next time, dont do me any favors. Unless next time you could actually make a world worth living in. Actually this is a world worth living in, just not for me. Its impossible for me to enjoy life. Cos i was born to be nothing. Everything in my life has lead me to believe that. Some people were born to be happy some people were born to be sad and some people were born to suffer. How can I make my impossible life, possible. The impossible I cannot accept makes it impossible fo rme to live. How can a loser win. How can a beast become beauty. How can a sick man become well. Am I delaying the inevitable. Or is there really a chance. I know I have to give myself at least that chance. But God I just cant wait til that day where itll call come to a conclusion. Good or bad itll be the happiest day in my life. The day the great depression ends. Alas, I am free.

     
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    Old 02-29-2004, 12:30 AM   #2
    Black Circle
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Ahh MaddHatter,
    I can't know what it's like to be you. I have lot's of problems though and can relate with much of what your saying here. I have lost all my friends too, but I would have to say I pushed them away by being weird and just wanting to die. Hanging around depressed people is very hard to do, you want to slap them and wake them up but you can't. I say this from being on both sides of the problem. As far as feeling you are ugly, everyone feels this even those people you consider the most beautiful. I admit that you and I would not stand up well in comparison but that's not really the point. Lot's of people are ugly, I know I have seen them. Burn victims can look like something from a horror film but once you get to know someone you no longer see the shell, you begin to see the person inside. Sometimes the ugliest people look great on the outside and like monsters on the inside. So even if you are the ugliest person ever (which I doubt) you can still meet people and have friends and yes, even lovers. The real problem is not what others see, but what you see in yourself. That is really the problem that needs to be worked on, our vision of ourselves.

    When I look or think of myself all I see is a big loser, someone who could have been something but isn't due to cowardice. A failure who can't point at anything but himself for the problems in his life. I hate myself and have for a long time. I remember punching myself in the face as a little kid, wanting to hurt me. I first thought of killing myself when I was 9 or 10 years old, I found my moms gun and loaded it and tried to pull the trigger. I couldn't fight the feeling that I had something to live for so I didn't. I'm glad I didn't, I've had a lot of good time's since then. I have also had the worst times of my life since then too but you can't separate them out. In the end you take the bad with the good, some time's years can pass with just bad. But that doesn't mean it can't get better, you just have to hold on in the hope that things turn out.

    So hold on for as long as you can. I'm hanging with you, even if you can't see me.

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    Old 02-29-2004, 05:55 AM   #3
    MaddHatter
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Your right, it shouldnt be about what people see or think of you but what you see and think about yourself. But do you really think it matters what you think about yourself if noone else in the world thinks the same way. I can go around believing Im attractive and handsome. But what if noone is ever interested in you. I can walk around believing im smart and intelligent. But what if you can never find a good job or get into a good school. I can go around believing im happy and have a great sense of humor. What if noone laughs? How long are you going to believe all those things about yourself before oneday you realize, I guess im not. One of the most important part of living is being accepted.

    Its funny how different people treat me online or over the phone than in person. People just tell me im funny and im pleasant and I give good advice and im nice and talented. We talked everyday. They were dying to see what I looked like. So I sent them some pictures. Now I hear from them maybe a couple times a week. lol. I remember 2 years ago when I started talking to this girl over the phone that I met online. For 2 weeks prior to us first meeting each other, I thought I had found my soulmate. We had so much in common. 3 days before we met, Ill never forget that conversation we had that night. She was in alot of abusive relationships. She had the cutest lil girl but the father left and etc. And i told her that she was beautiful. At the time she was more overweight than I was. But I swear, I never saw that. She was just beautiful to me. She sent me pictures online and all i could ever see was her smile. I unfortunately didnt have any pictures to send her but I told her point blank, I wasnt a very handsome guy. She told me, :'(, she didnt care what I looked like. She said in th epast maybe but she said I was the nicest person she ever met and the last 2 weeks of her life she never felt better about herself and she was so nervous and excited and just she hoped to God I liked her cos she already knew she would like me. And blah blah. Well, we know how that story turned out.

    *sigh* Why do I post my sad life on this board. People are probably laughing at this. I sit here just, waiting and hoping someone will respond, someone will give me hope. But so many people here are just as down as I am. Has so many problems. And I just vent and dump everything on this board. I dont help. I wish I could. I wish I had the magic words to say and take away everything bad for everyone.

    I cant seperate the bad from the good. Ive only taken the bad. There has never been anything good. And I mean that literally. Ive been telling myself itll get better for the last 10 years of my life. To me, right now. The lil hope Im holding on to. That hope is just me, refusing to realize, that there is none. Its just goes back to not being able to accept that hope for me is impossible.

     
    Old 02-29-2004, 06:12 AM   #4
    Okira
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Nobody here is laughing at you. I've never suffered from depression like you. I've never felt the feelings that you have felt and that you express. I would never judge you regardless of how you look, how much money you make, the car you drive, or where you live. If I feel this way, others do to. Because I've never felt the way you do I don't feel like I can give you any advice. It does sound like you have a few people in your life that are willing to open their arms to you. Let them. Please don't ever give up hope. There is always tomorrow and we don't know what that will bring. I'm so very sorry for your pain. Praying for your peace...

     
    Old 02-29-2004, 07:53 AM   #5
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Hi MaddHatter. As I've said before, I'm in very much the same situation as you and have learned the hard way just how important looks are in life. I've given up looking for any woman who may see past my looks. Here's what's different about me though, as opposed to the way you're feeling right now. And don't get me wrong. I'm still depressed but it's not quite as intense as it had been when I went through the stage you seem to be in now. It still takes a conscious effort but I try not to compare myself to those who have what I want. Instead, I look at those who have it much worse, those with horrible illnesses, the homeless, etc, and compare my life to theirs. Before my mother died of Alzheimer's last year, I visited her in the nursing home at least once a day for the last five years. One thing I never got used to was seeing the suffering and injustice so many of the residents had to live with and I at least had to be thankful I wasn't in their shoes. I know it's not so simple but you need to get past the point of saying "Why?" "Why?" "Why?" and maybe say "What is IS!" "Now, how am I going to make the best of it?" This doesn't mean you will not feel the same frustrations, however the degree in which it controls your life could change. BTW, I too very much doubt whether God exists. Having said that, I still strongly suggest you take your mother's advice and go see The Passion of the Christ. Seeing how much absolute suffering this man went through just may make you wonder if life is really quite as bad as you think. Again, I'm not offering a solution for not feeling depressed at all, only a different perspective on the situation.

     
    Old 02-29-2004, 09:53 AM   #6
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    MaddHatter

    I have read most of your posts. You express your feelings so well and make someone feel as though they are seeing things through your eyes. Do you realize that you have a gift in writing, albeit, it is from your suffering? Have you ever tried submitting some of your stories for publication? Only the ones that you feel will not cause you so emotional distress.

    I cannot imagine what you are experiencing, but from reading your posts, I know that you are in great pain, and no matter what you have tried in the past, you cannot seem to break the cycle of pain. But, you are still here fighting and that is a good sign. You do have some hope and that is contained within you. You ARE the one who is living your life, and no matter what you try to convey to others, they can not truly understand what you are going through until they live YOUR life. Do not think that just because someone is attractive that they have someone who cares about them. There are problems lurking behind that face and body that you do not know.
    And, again, you need to feel good about something in your life...and you do have good things, though you may not realize it. Your mother is alive and cares about you. You have said that you have a few friends. That is a positive. Have you ever thought of volunteering at an animal shelter? Just an idea! The unconditional love of animals is rewarding in itself. Another positive is that you recognize that you have problems and you have been trying to do something about them. That is SO brave of you. You do have a support system in this board....and that is a positive.

    Again, do think of writing your stories...any stories. You are talented with the written word.

     
    Old 02-29-2004, 11:47 AM   #7
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Hi Madd, I know it's been forever, I haven't forgotten about you and try to pop in as often as possible, but hit another lull in depression myself. I'm starting rehabilitation for traumatic brain injuries and have never wanted to stick my head in the sand sooo bad. It's beyond painful and something I don't want to do, but if I want to go forward, it's my only choice.
    I understand the doc situation.....I have looked for 10 yrs and finally found one that believes in me but knows very little about my condition and the meds for it. I just barely found the brain injury association and about fell over when they said they would help me with whatever I needed to get a neuropsych eval, at no cost to me. When I asked them the catch they said that the only catch was I didn't have enough to pay for it and had sustained a brain injury!! I started crying. The last 10 years have been spent hitting brick walls doing 90mph!! You know how that feels, don't you Madd? I know you are meant to make it. You will do like I will do.....when you get better, you will know from the inside out what it feels like and you'll have the heart to make facilities and places for people in your boat....as will I. The world needs people who have been there, what better way to change the lives of others?? You can make it through and when someone sees the end result of your fighting, they will know that they can do it too.
    I will drop back in later today and check on you, but know in your heart I have not forgotten about you, but needed to take a break from the depression board because at times it just puts too much out there and compounds my own, but it is never that I forget you or anyone else.

    Best wishes and angel hugs........love Angel
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    Old 02-29-2004, 08:31 PM   #8
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Just the dont call me ill call you types. I bet if I looked like Denzel Washington or Brad Pitt people would have time. lol Whole lot of time. lol. Whole lot of care. lol. Id have a ton of friends, tons of email tons of phone calls. lol. Yeah thats how it is. I bet if I had a mercedes benz or alot of money, people would have time. And would care



    PLEASe dont think that way! i really feel it has nothing to do with looks Ill give me for example i have nice features and good loooks but like you i HATE mirors i just cant look at them because im scared i will look ugly because i feel i look ugly dispite what people say. & ALSO i always feel alone i dont feel like i have anyone who cares about me AT ALL NONE of my friends care about me the only people who do are my parents and MAYBE my brother but they dont understand my problems and i really cant talk to them. IVE had MILLION friends in the past and to this day NONE of them really cared for me enough to stick around aside from maybe 1 or 2 who live so far away now and i dont get to speak with them much I also have trouble going out in public because i HATE seeing attractive people it makes me FEEL SICKLY INSECURE & UGLY i dont know why and hopefully i can solve this but please dont think it has to do with ur looks ALL Kinds of people are happy & MANY of the so called "beautiful people" are extremly miserable. I dont know if this will help or not but i just felt like its something i wanted to mention.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 04:54 AM   #9
    MaddHatter
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Isolated one, I could never ever ever give up looking for someone. I should cos I cant imagine that person even exist. But I just cant. Just cant get used to being lonely. Cant tolerate it. its already brought me to this point. And I can never focus on people who are sick, homeless, or ill to make me feel better about myself. Cos it just doesnt. At all. Like I said before, I know there are people out there worst off than I am. But I cannot draw encouragement out of those who suffer like me by comparing myself to them. And it never really makes what I am going through any less painful knowing that. I can never look at someone and say, Im thankful im not you. Cos I know theres been alot of people that have said under their breath, that they are thankful theyre not me.

    I have gotten to a point where im willing to accept certain things. And make the best of my life reguardless. Im willing to accept my past. Im willing to accept health problems. Im willing to accept all the years of life, happiness, my childhood, my education, and special moments Ive lost. I know Im going to struggle and face other overbearing challenges in my life. I cannot accept my present. I cannot accept how I feel mentally. I cannot accept not being accepted. I mean for crying out loud I dont care what war I have to face in life. Just at least give me a sword to fight with. Give me a chance. Let the quality of my life be determined of my own strength and determination and passion. And not have everything already predetermined and predestined for me. You take a mans passion away, he has no chance.


    F33l, thanks, people seem to tell me im good at writing. Im hearing that more and more. People at my group tell me I have beautiful writing. Very emotional. But it is painful. Im nowhere near talented enough to be a writer. I think im still on a 8th grade level reading and writing. But I do the best I can to express myself. I know that all attractive people arent all happy. I see that just by going to group therapy. Difference between them and me is if they can somehow overcome whatever has stricken them, they will realize glaringly that they have something to live for, something really special. Cos reguardless, its a fact that the more attractive you are the more successful you are, the more doors that are open, more people care, and more people are attracted to you and the better your life will be. I dont really have any friends really. I have people who say they are but, I dunno, Ive yet to determined whether they really care or not. I do have my mother. She cares. I love her alot. But its hard for me to look into her face. I just cant stop thinking about how much ive failed her.

    Hey Angel. Im sorry if your going through hard times right now. Im sorry if I compound your life. I care about you alot and I go back and read alot of the things you post. You know, you rright, the world does need people who have been there. Just seems like evil preveils and spreads only when good people do nothing. Seems like the era of great leaders has ended.

    Prettyboi, I dont even have to see you and I envy you already. Unless you have just a completely untolerable attitude and just overall unpleasant to be around, I really cant imagine noone wanting to care about you or be around you. You might be making a consertive effort to avoid alot of people and situations, but I dont believe people just flat out dont like you. How can you hate attractive people when you are attractive. Im curious to know who put blinders over your eyes or what happened to you that make you feel this way about yourself.

    Your right Renee, my turn hasnt come. Im still at the back of the line. And the line is still very very long.

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 07:09 AM   #10
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    MaddHAtter, there were many subjects you touched on in your first post that I could relate to. One of them is how much it bothers us when we see other people with depression, anxiety, etc. being treated badly by the healthcare community. It seems strange -- VERY strange -- to me that many of the drs. and nurses who are put in the psyche areas are not sympathetic at all to the patients. You would think that it's only common sense to not put people who think we are just a bunch of whiners on the staff of the psyche areas. Yet the hospitals & health care centers do it all of the time. But that's the deterioration of the whole health system I think. You are right, we feel like we are going to die and desperately need help, but many outsiders just look at us as some kind of inconvenience to them! OK, it's not their fault that they don't have depression -- BUT IT'S NOT OUR FAULT THAT WE HAVE IT! You know, anymore, even people with physical illnesses (ex. diabetes, heartproblems, cancer) are being treated badly. For instance, people at work act like an employee is a slacker because they take time off for their cancer treatments! How f-----g cruel is that. Don't those people realize that they could be the ones waking up with cancer tomorrow. OR THEY could be hit with depression! . . . ok I've babbled enough on that . . .

    Back to you MaddHatter . . . again your search for a partner is very valid. It's a big part of life. Some people could be happy without a partner but you do not seem to be one of those people. I am very lucky, found someone with similar background and who understands my "crazy" times because he has his own collection of mental health issues (ex. problems w/anger mgmnt, road rage, etc.) We were 31 when we met.
    I never had kids until I was with him (have an 8- and 5-yr old now). So maybe that's a good real life example for you, that maybe you won't meet the person for several more years -- I did have relationships before him (but only one long-term one) but they all ended for various reasons. I'm hoping my SIG and I stay together for life!

     
    Old 03-01-2004, 11:07 AM   #11
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Prettyboi, I dont even have to see you and I envy you already. Unless you have just a completely untolerable attitude and just overall unpleasant to be around, I really cant imagine noone wanting to care about you or be around you. You might be making a consertive effort to avoid alot of people and situations, but I dont believe people just flat out dont like you. How can you hate attractive people when you are attractive. Im curious to know who put blinders over your eyes or what happened to you that make you feel this way about yourself.



    LOL please dont envy me im just a big mess of problems WeLL to be honest its not that people DONT want to be around me its just ive had so many friends and i really have never felt that any of them aside from 1 or 2 actually cared about me i mean they would only call me or talk to me when its convienant for THEM but otherwise they could care less. I JUST found most people to be really selfih. As for attractive people i HATE seeing them because i constantly compare myself to them and if i feel they are better looking it will EAT ME ALIVE idont know why hopefully i can solve this eventually and as for mirrors i really hate them because i will look in the mirror and sometimes ill look good and somtimes i wont feel like i look good im constantly looking for something on my face that doesnt look nice or constantly jugding myself to see how good looking i REALLY AM it really pretty messed up and deranged.

     
    Old 03-02-2004, 01:02 AM   #12
    MaddHatter
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Hey Mouse. Im very happy for you and hope you continue to flurish in your own relationship and marriage. I um, unfortunately dont think I have anymore years of my life to give over to depression and loneliness. And I really dont have that many times to get it wrong. Heart just cant take the rejection.

    Renee, there just arent many free groups around. I would love to be apart of some groups. Be around nice people. Help others. Increase my chances of making friends and maybe finding someone. Cos Im never going to find anyone sitting at home all day. And im just not the type of guy thats gonna go to the club and try pick up lines. I need a positive place to go to everyday where I can interact with people who arent going to judge me. My group at the hospital was good while it lasted despite a few minor altercations. Its jus very difficult. The city im in has very few access to those type of groups for people like me. But im still looking.

    Prettyboi, yes your a big mess of problems but your an attractive big mess of problems. Yeah most people are selfish. I bet all your friends you lost were attractive. You seem pretty vain. Not to sound too harsh but. Someone who is attractive and just cant deal with there being anyone on earth more attractive than them, thats really a deep rooted issue you have and Im wondering how you developed it. Average looking people eat me alive. lol. I just wish I could look average cos at least a average looking person has something to work with or enhance and have the potiential to become more attractive. Im in the mirror alot too. And sometimes I avoid them. Only im opposite of you, I try to find something that maybe looks ok or a angle where I look human. Its never there. Only if I smile. But you cant walk around with a smile stuck on ur face all day. You really have a snow white complex. I can just envision you going, Mirror mirror on the wall, whose the fairest of them all.

     
    Old 03-02-2004, 10:24 AM   #13
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    Re: My Life is impossible

    Hey mad

    Well i admit i am vain and have been vain most of my life which is pathetic but in the last year or so i dont think i am so much anymore as in ive started making friends with all kinds of people attractive so called "not attractive" so called average and its just that i guess i just try to be friends with anyone reaally looking to make GOOD friends that i can actually enjoy hanging out with & that i can consider REAL friends but i still havent found it all ive found are people who are superficial and just wanna be "fake friends" as in friends to just party or whatever but thats it or friends that just want me around when they have nothing to do. I guess what troubles me as stupid as it sounds theres still a lot of people out there who dont consider me "there type" which also bothers me i guess lol plus ive never been in a relationship just dated & had flings and to be honest to me it was just a big waste of time because nothing has really come outa it and i dont consider any of the experience fun at all! ive also been hurt a few times in the past but i still dont think ive felt a mental connection with anyone enough to get into a relationship with and im 23 years old so like u i am also looking for love but i guess i cant find someone to love me if i dont love myself. A LOT of the mirror thing for me has to do with my hair as in im so young and i have a VERY thinning hairline and its the biggest issue in my life right now and causes me LOTS of problems cause i just cant live with it. So right now im trying to get that fixed lol I also have a phsc appontment on the 11th of march hopefully that will help. BUT I need to say something to you OVER MY LIFE i have met MANY SO CALLED NOT attractive people and they were EXTREMLY HAPPY and had it ALL and i would be so envous of them i mean there is billions of people out there so theirs someone for everyone and i really dont think this is going to last long for you GOOD things happen to good people please just hang on in there!

     
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