I have a long history of depression. LONG.
Back when it first came up, I was on tricyclic meds, but to be honest, I was young and I don't know whether they ever worked or whether my life just was less stressful and when good times came around, I stopped taking the meds anyway and just moved on. Irresponsible, yes, but I was just a kid and the constant use of peri-colace just to stay on a med wasn't something I felt extra motivated to do, especially while still trying to fit in with my peers.
I was having problems again, back when Prozac was still new and the wonder drug. The SSRI was something that probably prolonged my illness more than anything else, because for a long time it was the only choice, but my reaction to it was so bad and so swift and at so low of a dose, that again, I just avoided the medication that might have made my quality of life better.
I just couldn't tolerate the SSRI's. One Dr. gave me some of the lowest dose pills of Prozac that were out and he told me to take it home, open up the capsule, and pour out half of it into a glass of orange juice. Within minutes, I was feeling "Freaked out" and "Jittery" and completely out of control. My head hurt, my stomach was hurting, and these symptoms were just beyond belief and I'd have to ride them out. So it was engrained into my head that I never wanted to go through that again.
I avoided medication and took Xanax and tried to live as normal of a life as I could. I even did ECT. I'm game for anything, but as more and more SSRI's came out, when I got my sample and cut it into an even lower dose than probably any other human had taken, the same things happened. My Dr. even said she though I was allergic to the meds in that class.
As meds that weren't totally in either class came out or were tried, I had pretty much the same reaction as the Prozac reaction and, therefore, since the very early 90's, despite all kinds of mental illnesses (depression, panic, ocd, nightly vivid dreams, insomnia, racing thoughts, self hate, etc), I haven't been on an anti-depressant since the last tricyclic I took in January of 1991.
I managed to do ok for years (albeit by very low standards, but at least I got out and lived a little). But in early 2000, the walls of problems came crashing down. Where only 1 or 2 problems were really bothering me badly at a time and even then I could control them some, now they all were happening at once and they all got much worse. Since 2000, my life has been no life at all. I have nothing. I do nothing. I am nothing. That's not just the illness talking, it's also true. I sit in a small apartment with only one joy, my dog Piper, and I am sick and lonely and depressed ALL THE TIME. And having been around people like this before, early in my life I did the psych hospital and treatment center routines many times, I did notice that many of the more "ill" people didn't seem to be aware of just how bad they had it. Which isn't to say that their problems are better, just that they didn't "seem" to know how bad it was. I do. I have dreams of what I want to do and every day I just get older and nothing changes but the years as the steamroll by.
I've always had IBS, really, really bad IBS which just complicates everything even more. The pain is beyond anything I can describe and it's every day now. And while I now my depression and anxiety are related to it, there are many days where I think that if GOD came down and offered to take away one problem, the IBS or the Mental disorders, that I'd probably choose the IBS. I won't try and explain to you much more, but if you can believe that's the choice I'd make, you can probably guess how bad the stomach problems are and how it affects my everyday life.
I've never had two pyschiatrists agree on what's wrong with me. It's a good thing cardiology is more of an exact science or people would be dropping like flies. But in 2001 a Dr told me to give ECT a shot again. Now, I'm phobic about going out and the worst thing that can happen is a severe panic attack. I just call them 10's. A 10 means I'm going to the emergency room and it's the scariest feeling in the world when one happens. Back in the mid-90's I had a Dr. who let me having a standing order for a shot of valium if I had one, because they didn't happen that often and she trusted me. The shots worked wonders and just knowing they were there helped me have even less attacks. Of course, not one other Dr., even knowing that story, has ever offered to do the same thing, because you just can't have something that works so well, but that you don't happen to agree with.
Ok, so the new Dr. says ECT and mood stabilizers. He knows I will freak the night before the procedure and a have a 10 going to the hospital, so he prescribes thioridazine to take to keep me calm before the ECT procedures. This helps...not like a shot of valium...but I got to the hospital. But after 3 procedures, my head was hurting from the shock so badly and I wasn't feeling any better, and had no idea and couldn't even get an answer why he was even trying this (maybe because my insurance covered it and it made him a pretty penny) and so I stopped. But I've always kept some of the Thioridazine around to keep me from having to go the the ER when I've had really bad attacks (it can handle 8's and most 9's, a 10 is still a guaranteed trip to hell and the ER). I've only made one trip in 3 years.
I've told drs. that this thioridazine somehow is tolerated by me and helps me, but have been told it can't be used as an everyday treatment because it's not safe. Figures. The only HORRIBLE side effect of it was that I could hardly get up in the morning. Of course, even without the drug, I don't sleep, I wait till I pass out and I still find it very difficult to get up. I would actually say it hurts me to wake up. Just another problem that I live with (correction, I don't really think of what I do as living, it's exisiting).
I finally told my family practice dr. that I couldn't go on like this anymore. He doesn't have all the training of a psychiatrist or all the time to talk, but he suggested Lexapro. I knew it wouldn't work, I knew it would be like all the others, but I had to try. I have nothing to lose, because I have nothing. But I am running out of years and I want to someday work on or near the ocean and right now I'm heading towards being found dead in an apartment living in the middle of the desert.
I read about Lexapro and there were all the posts I dreaded seeing. The ones about the massive weight gain and the side effects that I had with every other SSRI "miracle" pill. I will not be able to tolerate weight gain of massive amounts, nor will I be able to handle feeling like I'm on speed. But, the more posts I read, the more I found that person after person said it was helping them. Not everyone, but the percentage of things I read where people were saying it was helping and used the world miracle was higher by far than I'd ever read about anything else. I had to try it.
I saw that some people were trying 5mg to start, so to be safe I cut that in half and started at 2.5 mg. I know it's pathetic and nothing can help me at the low of a dose, but if I could tolerate it, then it would be something that never had happened before. Certainly, that had to be worth trying. If I was going to have the same reaction as I've always had, it would happen with 2.5, it just wouldn't last as long or be as severe. I stared at the pills for several days and today I took one. And I'm ok!
Now my life is still in shambles and it's hard to be happy about anything, but I still have to find some shred of happiness that this is something to take note of. Maybe I will be one of the ones who will write about being happy again and use the word miracle. Because if this does help me, it could be nothing less than a miracle.
I did feel a tiny headache, my stomach was a little freaky, and the "rush" feeling was there, but not enough to make me scared or feel any need to not take the drug tomorrow. That's never happened before. So, is this something or is this just the pathetic 2.5 mg dose? Has anyone ever started so low?
How long would you stay on this low dose to be more than just safe, but extra safe that my body was getting used to the medication before putting a higher dose in? Why jeopardize this by being in a rush to get to 5 mg? I've had no life for years, it certainly seems like if something can help me get it back, I should be extra careful with it, especially with my history.
I will not worry about weight gain. No, that has to be something I tune out right now. I want to be on the medication and on a dose that most people respond to and see what it does for me before worrying about extra pounds. Just the idea of feeling happiness again, makes me feel that I can cross that bridge and make that decision as a happy person, rather than worry about it as a miserable person. But I do "feel" the medication. I feel like I'm on something and I wonder if that's anyway to live life, even if it's a happier life. Will it go away, this feeling? Why do some many other people take their meds and have no problems?
Has lexapro been the last resort for anyone else? How has it worked for you? Will I wake up feeling better one day? Is that a great feeling? Will I be able to sleep at night and wake up in the morning? Will the racing thoughts stop or just become more managable? Will the anxiety and fear of life and fear of death and fear of pretty much everything go away? Is there any hope that I might be the person that I used to be again? Has it happened to anyone here? What's it like? I really want to know because I have lost hope and I desperately would like to have some hope again. Can this pill help me be the person who I once was or even something close? Share your stories of lexapro "miracles" if you've got them...
Thanks for your time.
