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Genabeena 05-13-2004 08:45 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
What can I do, Man Apart? I want to help. I think that anything your therapist said that would have upset you was intended to try and help you. Based on what you have told us about her before, I just don't believe she would intentionally hurt your feelings. There just aren't any [I]simple[/I] answers. You say that she doesn't trust you, but I think the reverse is true too- you don't trust her. Trust has to go both ways. It absolutely has to be mutual. Do you think there is some truth to the assertion that you don't trust her?

I wish there was something I could do that would really make a difference for you. You're my friend. There has to be something that a friend can do to help a friend. I wish I could get up and go do something- be effective. All I have to offer is friendship. Words on a computer screen. Right now it seems so inadequate.

I'm going to shift the subject. Let's talk about movies. There is a movie I [I]love[/I] with Peter Falk, Keanu Reeves, and Barbara Hershey. It's called "Tune In Tomorrow." It may be the best movie ever. Right now it's my favorite. There is a line in the movie near the end. I don't want to give away the best part, but I just have to tell you. He says, "life is a **** storm, and when it's raining ****, the best umbrella... is art."

Keep talking to us. Maybe if we keep talking- talking about whatever, it doesn't matter- maybe it will at least take your mind off of the pain.

I keep looking out for that [I]Dawn of the Dead[/I] to come out on video. I think it's still only in theatres. It seems like I can't go to the theatres without taking my kids, so the movies always have to be child appropriate. If I went by myself, I would be too scared. If you lived nearby, I would have the girls' dad watch them and have you take me to the movie. Wouldn't that be fun? Can you imagine going to the movies together? I like to imagine things like that. I imagine stuff all the time.

Can I start calling you by the name you gave earlier? Rod, right? You know my name already. Get back to me soon as you can.

enoch 05-13-2004 01:59 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
eh - vanity - don't want to burst your bubble about your thoughts that death is peaceful and a wonderful blanket of nothing - to pull up and around your non existence where nothing hurts and thoughts do not live any more - but what if your wrong? Not knowing the mind of god myself or the reasons behind this part of existence - would not try to guess even with my high IQ and degrees - what comes next.. It could be heaven or it could be hell - but to think you know - that is folly.. how do you know your not going from the frying pan into the fire? and even if its a karma world - what kind of think is that? offing yourself - the ego in overdrive - yup your self - your ego makes the decision - well none of this is fair to me so I don't want to be in it anymore.. you don't give all the details of your therapist and the exchange you had with her -but good god man - she is mandated by law to cover her hiney in any situation where her client patient whatever kills themself.. otherwise she could be sued by your family - so having you sign a contract CYA (cover your hiney) - you think you pay people and they are your friends? they are professionals working in a paint shop - they are plumbers fixing the toilet - they are doing a job.

Is it you goal to be so right that you have to alienate each and every person that comes your way? What is it in you that wants to hate us all so much?
You talk of the horror you have lived and the things done to you - why do you keep them alive and hold them up like a religion? They are false gods. And they lead you into more lies - don't you see that? What sense of worth do you get from being so right about a world you are creating for yourself.. am not here to rape you or to smack you around - am not here to torment you or call you ugly or fat - so far I have not seen anyone do that to you here except you - to yourself.. Why is that. Is your ego so big you must keep this lie alive - to embrace it? remember we wrestle not against flesh and blood but principalities - and what prince is living in you?

you slap all hands held out in friendship away - you out think any thoughts given to you in help - you loop them around to say something different - what did you say they said = indulge in pity - no you indulge in a very good chess game -but the stakes are your soul - and your talking with you ego and telling us and yourself how death is - well man apart thats your design of it and what if your over in left field and having a major thinking error about it like it seems you do with many things regarding actualities versus metaphysical possibilities. Having worked in psych hospitals and having been the guy who cut down suicides or cleaned up blood from suicides and having lived with woman for 18 months who blew her brains out with a 357 - I did not see anything gained - by their act - it did not change the life they had or knew it only stopped it. have had those that died natural or in cars come back to me to say bye - but you know - not one suicide ever came back to say anything. Makes me wonder where they went.. At this point in time I guess this is down to the wire between you and god.. all of us that read your posts we feel them - we know what your talking about - we live with our own thoughts about death and suicide - we love you and wish we could fix you. becaues if we could do that we could fix ourselves. but we can't - we are only witnesses to your pain and sorrow - so though you feel alone your not. can tell you one thing man apart - suicide is a lot deeper than the death you imagine to be so final.

bye the way getting up off your couch and going on a trip had nothing to do with love of another - thats just chasing dreams anyway - it had more to do with seeing how you changed your way of thinking in a totally different movement of thought - in a totally foreign atmosphere.. you seem like your mad at god because he will not present a lovely lass on your doorstep to save your life.. but I wonder how far moses and his people had to swim in the red sea before it parted.. think they were all soaked to the bone and near drowning.. think you have to get wet and get out of your head if you want love - but your kind of laid low now - so words are like sticks poking at you - not my intent - but your words poke at me too - do you know people care and feel you - know it don't matter your world is so small now so self contained - we are only banging on the door sounds to you - fading I'm afraid. it comes down to only you and god face to face.

you are loved.

Man Apart 05-13-2004 04:39 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
First of all I need to apologize. I love you all and Im so sorry. Do not worry. I am fine today. I read over my words and it seems like I dont even remember typing them. I cant even remember why. I just know that everyday I wake up a different person. There is no consistency to my mind, thoughts and emotions. Thats what is crippling to me. What has happened to me has gone way beyond what I could have ever imagine and control. Seems like I dont have any say in what i want to feel like, do i want to be happy and optimistic, or depressed and pessimistic. Oneday Im working out, eating right, planning, hoping, praying, being strong, the next day im laying in bed crying, brainstorming what I want to write in a suicide letter. Im scared. I look in the mirror. I see the puppet, but where is the puppeteer?

Enoch, we are on different fences when it comes to our beliefs. But Ill say this. If there is a God, he knows I want to deeply believe in him. He knows I am trying to. But I refuse to go through life pretending I do and can when I dont and cant right now. Im not saying I need some type of supernatural occurance to sway me, but there is just a overwhelming amout of confusion and inconsistency pertaining to the bible as it applies to the world today. My knowledge can only extend as far as the earth I live on. Im just sorry that I cant accept when people tell me, God works in mysterious ways. Though I do not believe in hell despite the hell I live, condeeming me to a enternal lake of fire would be like giving a death sentence to a child who stole a bag of chips from a store, because he was starving. Just like a starving child, i am just a weak man trying to bring a conclusion to my unbearable life. I am still here and still trying. I would never ask God to cure me. Only to grant me the patience and endurance to move on. If I do not have that, then I do not have time. I am only a man.

My therapist saw fit to call a MHC unit to my house 7:30 in the morning without my consent to have me committed because of the journalling I shared with her yesterday. I honestly forgot what I wrote. I assume it cant be any different than what I wrote on this board. But I cannot fault her for her concern. I do believe that my life was in jeopardy yesterday. But I know its not today and if I have a say it wont be tomorrow. Remember I told you sometimes Im afraid to go to sleep when I feel in such a fair and bearable mood, cos it seems like when I wake up the next morning, everything changes. After 2 hours of being evaluated and refusing to be committed, they allowed me to stay home. Well, they had no choice. But they will be sending someone to my house and Im going on anti-depressants immediately. Thank god! Thats all I ever wanted was a sense of urgency from these people to know hey my life is like day to day, stop with the appointments 2-3 weeks from now and the "oh we havent heard from the doctor yet, we will call her again and im sorry noone can have priority of treatment. With all due respect to the other patients, most of which are there cos of marital problems and substance abuse, I feel like when im in a suicidal mindframe it is a emergency. Telling me to wait two weeks is outrageous. There is a woman in our class that cuts herself because she hears voices, stop giving her bandaids and let her talk to a d*mn doctor! Ok.... sorry.

We do not have the ability to fix ourselves or be well mentally, then I do not feel a person can be held responsible for their actions. Only when a person is conscious doing wrong making clear and present decisions to sin and live a sinful life is when I feel you are accountable. Not under distress and delirious. I am under heavy distress and delirium. lol. Im not mad at God for not bringing me a soulmate. But I am a lil p*ssed that I am made in a way physically that severely decreases my chances of finding someone.

The last word you should ever apply to me is the word hate. I hate noone. Only self, and even I say I am noone. Dont hate the man who raped me, not the boy that snapped my leg in half, not the father that commits adultery with his own child, heck if I have even a small grain of hate in me it would only be to those who benefited from my suffering. I.e, the beautiful, and those that used me as a symbol of repulsiveness to enhance themselves in the eyes of others. I bear the scars of my past. Depression isnt the only reason I have a hard time taking baths. I can look on my arm, my face my leg and just relive every single wound inflicted. If there is ever a person that should have justified trust issues, its me. Its hard for me to decipher any love or friendship shown to me nowadays. Its all foreign. But if there is a true friend, that friend would be understanding and patient. I have alot of love and friendliness I want to give, Im still working on the receiving part.

Gena.... forgive me. I wish I was a better friend to you. I really make the mistake of trying to use this board as life support and sometimes I grab my feeding tube and try to suck more out of it that is really there. Just like enoch so brilliantly stated, its like im trying to find someone to beat me in a chess match. I want to lose so bad. I need someone to prove me wrong. To defeat all the negative possibilities that lie in my mind. To break down the walls brick by brick. Angel77 did a substantial amount of bulldozing and I got hooked. That thread we had and the time she gave me extended my hope. Right now, how i think and feel is my reality. My mind was impailed into this state. It is not anyones job here to do that, that is why I seldomly post as frequent as I used to. Like you said Gena, we can only be friends as far as this computer screen. And I expect nothing more. I am thankful for you and others.

*coughing* Has anyone ever had a cold for like a entire month straight? I think all the years of sleeping under a fan through summer and winters has caught up with me. My immunity to cold weather has now cease to exist. Im running through bags of halls cough drops like their candy. I have such a pathetic immune system. Anyway, um, *cough* um, I never saw that movie, Ill look for it. Hahaha, yeah I dont think your children would really be the same again if you took them to see that. Maybe Van Helsing would be better. I dunno. Although I thought that movie was a CGI overloaded mess. Why even bother having actors, just make the entire movie computer generated. The girl that I met from the clinic back in October, I took her to see Texas chainsaw massacre. It was a disaster. lol. I couldnt enjoy the movie at all because she was grabbing and screaming through all of it. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me cos I do not like being touched at all. And I could swear she was trying to fill me up sometimes. lol. Like I told you before about her, she was supposedly really inflatuated with me until I really found out her agenda and the type of person she was. I would love to see a movie with you, but if your like her, its on action flicks and dramas for you beenie. lol. You know it surprises me how much of a affect movies have on people. My sister saw that movie too and the next day she was reading the bible like she had committed a sin. People, its just make up and syrup with red coloring. lol.

Lori, I guess youll be satified to know im going to be going on a AD immediately as soon as my previously health center release all of my documents to the MHC people. When the medical unit was here I mentioned Lexapro to them cos, well I never been on it. They cant put me on anything today but tomorrow they will come by and give me a perscription for something. Thank you for your concern.

There is a very significant reason for my fair mood right now. But I have to refrain from talking about it because I dont want to make it a big deal and build it up as something of dire importance like I always do. I just want it to stay as one of those, "if it happens it happens it if dont it dont" things, so I wont have to take such a hard blow to the heart with a exposed chest. Im just going to be thankful that it happened and hope for the best.

*coughing* take care people..... again, im sorry.

lori j 05-13-2004 11:19 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, I'm soooooo glad you are finally getting the help you have "screamed" for. I know the feeling of being told to WAIT! If my son wasn't an RN in a hospital, on a psychiatric floor & was good friends with a pdoc, I would have had to wait months to get into one! NO wonder we're depressed. Sometimes I wonder if these pdocs you call for an appointment even think of the urgency we have???

My other d-in-law has had a cough for 3 weeks, was put on an anti-biotic & told she had an infection in her lungs, well anti-biotic all gone & she's still coughing. She's going back to the doc tomorrow, she is not a smoker or never was, so she's quite concerned. Maybe something going around.

My hubby, d-in-law that lives by me & myself are still fighting low grade fevers, chills & waves of nausea. Whatever that flu bug we had 3 weeks ago was with the diahrea, it's still hanging on in different forms now.

Like depression isn't enough & my back is still sore. My gen. doc won't give me a script for pt unless I have an mri. I've been in therapy & treated for this with a script from him before. I HATE DOCTORS!!! I am in horrible sciatica pain. Now what do I do. There is no way I could lay still for an MRI, I'm tooooooo damn [email protected]!!!!!!

You keep in touch, let us know how that med is doing!!!!
many HUGE hugs to you. Lori J

Genabeena 05-14-2004 10:39 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.

Just kidding. Keeping the mood light (I hope).

Man Apart, apology accepted (not that it was necessary). And if you think you have taken a lot from me or that I have given a lot, you ain't seen nothin' yet. That's what people don't get about me, and probably the reason (ironically) that so few people want to be friends with me for very long. I genuinely care about people and I have infinite depths of caring to give. I don't have much else, but I have friendship, caring, compassion. I have so much love to give. I don't understand why people consistently reject it (maybe the depths are a little scary) but here it is.

I am at peace now, in my life, with the comings and goings of people whom I think of as friends. My friendship is unconditional. You don't have to contact me a certain number of times in a month or a year. You don't have to be a certain way or look a certain way. I don't even expect anything in return- although I do take something away from every interaction whether you know it or not: an experience, a lesson. Good or bad? There is no such thing. Reality is what it is.

We're all a bunch of loose spirits wandering around, bumping into each other. I [I]like[/I] that. Maybe we'll run into each other again further on down the line. Maybe not. I believe people bump into each other when they are meant to, and they hang around each other as long as they are meant to, as long as they need to in order to learn what they can from one another. When they're done learning all they were meant to or able to, they part ways. Maybe they run into each other again later.

[QUOTE=Man Apart] If there is a God, he knows I want to deeply believe in him. He knows I am trying to. But I refuse to go through life pretending I do and can when I dont and cant right now. Im not saying I need some type of supernatural occurance to sway me, but there is just a overwhelming amout of confusion and inconsistency pertaining to the bible as it applies to the world today. My knowledge can only extend as far as the earth I live on.[/QUOTE]

I think that Joseph Campbell would say that we can have faith in our experience, have faith in what we know, have faith in our worldly relationships, perhaps have faith in the order of nature.

I am leaving the relative security of a “marriage” relationship (for whatever it was worth) to go out into the world and try to find what I was meant to do- try to find out about my potentialities. I have no guarantees of success in a career or in a love relationship. I have no guarantee that I’ll be safe, or fulfilled, or that I’ll be cared for. I have my children and they are an inspiration to me, but they were not put on this earth to care for me or provide me with anything. It’s the other way around. The only way that I am able to have the courage to initiate this journey is through my faith. I have faith in my experience, in myself, in the world around me, but not in “God.” God is nothing but a concept to me. My experience, my self, my world that I know of, all I know, touch, see, and love are my “God.” They are sacred to me. They support me. They are here. And even so, it can be the most difficult thing in the world to believe in the miraculousness of what is right in front of you, all around you, within you and without you, and what you think of as the world as you know it. Whether I live, whether I die, I have to be my own hero. Slay the dragon that is my own ego. I have to go out on my own hero adventure, and to do that, I have to have faith (not trust) but take an absolute leap of faith into the unknown which is my journey. It is good that I have several teachers sitting on my shoulders, whispering in my ears. When I listen to them, they give me great advice.

That is the role of a spiritual advisor, to whisper in one’s ear; to give advice, to share ideas and beliefs, but never to tell one what to believe, because to do so would be to defeat the purpose of belief. I love the way Enoch thinks. I love it because it seems to be channeled largely from the stream of his unconscious. I believe that the unconscious part of one’s mind is connected to the collective unconscious of the world. That is what makes those thoughts pure. That is art.

Man Apart, welcome back. You’re not going to give up, because that’s not how the story ends. I can see you on your journey and you’re fighting like holy heck. People like you don’t lose in the end. Your ordeal is an enormous one and you know it. Yet even with the enormity of your plight (and no one can argue against that fact) you are still here. You’re still with us.

lori j 05-14-2004 09:55 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, did you get your meds today? I'm low on sleep so have to be short tonite. Will check in tomorrow nite, but may have a 3 1/2 year old & almost 2 year old twins staying overnite, so don't know if I'll get a chance, but good luck & I hope you got your meds today!!!

Genabeena 05-15-2004 04:03 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Oh where oh where has my little Man gone?
Oh where oh where can he be?
I-I can't stop crying and I'm all alone, (and drunk)
Oooooh where oh where can he be?

Sorry. I know I'm being a real **** right now, but something's wrong with me. My eyes keep leaking. I don't want anybody in my immediate life to know, but I've been crying almost every chance I get. Why? I don't know. I mean, the world sucks right now. I'm in serious financial trouble, getting divorced (and that's the good news), millions of people in pain and agony right now all around the world, no job, surrounded by death (I'm referring to my grandmother)...etc, etc.

BUT, I've been taking care of myself. Taking my vitamins, exercising like crazy, paying my bills (when I can), enjoying the company of my daughters, AND I've got a job interview in Florida! Sometimes I think, "I'm just a mess. How can I take care of two children? WHAT DO I THINK THAT I AM DOING?"

Genabeena 05-15-2004 05:20 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
[QUOTE=Man Apart]*coughing* Has anyone ever had a cold for like a entire month straight? I think all the years of sleeping under a fan through summer and winters has caught up with me. My immunity to cold weather has now cease to exist. Im running through bags of halls cough drops like their candy. I have such a pathetic immune system. Anyway, um, *cough* um, I never saw that movie, Ill look for it. Hahaha, yeah I dont think your children would really be the same again if you took them to see that. Maybe Van Helsing would be better. I dunno. Although I thought that movie was a CGI overloaded mess. Why even bother having actors, just make the entire movie computer generated. The girl that I met from the clinic back in October, I took her to see Texas chainsaw massacre. It was a disaster. lol. I couldnt enjoy the movie at all because she was grabbing and screaming through all of it. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me cos I do not like being touched at all. And I could swear she was trying to fill me up sometimes. lol. Like I told you before about her, she was supposedly really inflatuated with me until I really found out her agenda and the type of person she was. I would love to see a movie with you, but if your like her, its on action flicks and dramas for you beenie. lol. You know it surprises me how much of a affect movies have on people. My sister saw that movie too and the next day she was reading the bible like she had committed a sin. People, its just make up and syrup with red coloring. lol.
Positive note:

I loved this part of your post. I almost felt like we were going to the movies. I would see any movie. TCM, N of the LD, Creature, Nightmare on ES. Those aren’t my favorite kinds of movies, but, hey, a pop culture classic is a pop culture classic. I love all kinds of movies (you know as long as they’re good!) My favorite movies are movies that tell a story. The Native Americans are THE BEST storytellers [I]ever[/I], as far as I’m concerned. So that kind of gives you a lead-in to the kinds of movies/stories I like.

I’m looking at these DVDs sitting on the floor right now and contemplating watching one, and you know what I’m thinking? It’s not anywhere near as good without someone to watch it with me.

One of my most vivid memories is from when I was about 12 or 13. My friend and I just had a swim in my family’s swimming pool, and then we took a shower together. After the shower, we got into our jammies. I had pink and white jimmies with big ruffles and polka-dots. And we bundled up on the couch together with some popcorn and watched…………………………Psycho!

Some of my most “cozy” moments have occurred while watching horror films. Cujo. Jaws,…………..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHHH!

enoch 05-16-2004 05:45 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Geena - where do you think man apart has gone? Let us hope he is okay today and busy with things in a good way - and you geena are you okay today? your last post's sound a bit lonely - the loneliness felt when you think you are alone - then alcohol to boot - a substance that depresses after the initial buzz is realized.. how are things going with your forward momentum to get away from that man - who stopped being your companion or friend long ago - and they call it commitment - lol - commitment to pretense I suppose in the perfect world marriage vows seem so cosmic in scope - but intermingled with our own perceptions here on earth we manage to rearrage the landscape and find mud to drag them through each and every time.. regardless of personalities we are all at fault - and with you and what I have read only one perspective = but I believe you have said enough to show your perspective on things is based on some truth of situation - you can not grow as a spiritual person if the other one there is fine and happy with routine and the sameness - and the perspective that things would be fine if only you did not change and want more. Men in many cases have a problem with god - they want to replace him with themselves - so if he is not looking up at god or seeing the wisdom beyone the day to day things of your relationship - you see him for what he is - a false god - but for awhile you served the false god and gave him the feeling that his kingdom was secure - but because he was so ego centered in his belief of being king - it comes as a shock to him that his kingdom is now gone -thus the result of anger and meanness - this is why often people die by the hand of a god dethroned - feeling powerless they try to take power back by insane acts against those they think caused their kingdom to end... a married man is much less dangerous than a freshly divorced man.. statistics prove that.. a married man who discovers his wife messing around still has a thought that all is not finished - or so the ego tells them - while a freshly divorce man realizes one day his kingdom is gone..
Well your on the mark with your decisons based on what you have woke up to which seems to be the truth in the matter.. but its hard going when you have doubt planted by years of interaction with this man - is he a monster?
mostly no - just human but all the wrong dysfunctional things implanted through the years of interaction in them have been surfacing of late no doubt.
just be aware that to get out you must move through that mine field.. you not alone - really your not - higher power has you already if you see as you do in the grace of truth - no matter how painfull- you are in grad school while he is in high school regarding truth of relationship - its why conversation can not be understood in the exchange.. the me me me factor of why why why do you want to mess up a good thing = if you just do what I say and act like you always have things will be fine.. don't matter if you suffocate in the mean time as long as you can be propped up and look like your there - do they care if you actually are? or that you are reaching some understandings about your own self and your individual seach for your path to salvation? naw they don't care - and how can you ever have nothing but contempt for a tin god - and even in that judgement does not sit well with you or bring much validity to truth..
hope I have not invaded your mind too much geena - man apart is not here to talk to... makes me nervous..

moxie500 05-16-2004 10:55 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Hi GeenaBeena, Man Apart and Everyone Else on this Thread,

I must say, I have read many of your letters expressing your feelings and also many of your responses to each other, and if everyone in this world were as honest with their feelings and as kind and thoughtful of others as you all are ....WOW! What a wonderful world it would be. You are ALL very caring, loving people.

Who knows if I will be back to talk on here I may, may not, because it is a busy time for me in my life, but I am intrigued with the rawness of real feelings spokin honestly on here and I'm swept up in the kindness and caring.

Geena....You had an emotional day.....have had a lot of those, especially before and the first 6 months after my separation. The good news is that they have faded for me and it is a sign of healing, but while there is turmoil and uncertainty I believe it is the bodies way of coping. Sometimes I would get so befuddled and so exhausted from not just the mental fatigue of everything, but also from the physical fatigue of handling everything alone. I still get overwhelmed sometimes, but by darned I somehow pull it back together and get moving. I'm smiling at you Geenabeena and giving you a hug, dusting you off, putting you back on your feet, your sniffles are subsiding and your strength is returning. Tomorrow is a fresh day.

Man Apart......I don't know that much about you, I hear your pain, I'm certainly not a medical specialist, just an a 50 year old woman (though of course as all 50 year old women, I look 39 :) who floated onto this forum one night looking for some answers for my teen son at that time, who, I'm glad to say, is doing better since I first visited on here. As I mentioned to you before in a caught my attention. I will ramble a bit now with some thoughts which you probably already have considered, but since I don't know that I think I am possibly being helpful........:)

Sometimes change is good, but I don't know your situation that well, so if I am off the ballpark, just consider it's an old woman ramblin.......k? :)......Have you ever considered a fresh start by moving to another part of town, or to a different town closeby, or another area in the U.S. where you might have a relative/friend nearby so you have a contact closeby if needed? A fresh start away from triggers at would have independence, responsibility for yourself, responsibility for your time, your thoughts, a time to heal in ways and control. Yes, control over your situation. Don't know if you would consider such an adventure as moving out on your own, or if you would be ready for such a thing. If not, do you have any hobbies? Is there a hobby you have always wanted to do or do you have any interests that could bring a smile or a few minutues or hours to focus on that would draw you into it and you would think of nothing but the pasttime you are doing? A pleasant escape? Last year I took the Motorcycle Safety Course, passed the course and got my motorcycle license. The purpose was to make time for myself doing something for me because I was not doing anything fun for myself, and was under major stress. A friend encouraged me to try it. My dad had minibikes when I was a kid and they were fun to ride and I had always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle.

About a week ago I bought a used 250 Honda Rebel. Now I have to tell you, as a beginner rider I just took my first road trip to my sister's house, which is about one and half miles away today. I got there okay and I got back to my house okay. I rode a wopping 35 mph :) I am trying to be very patient with myself about learing this bike riding stuff because I know it will take me awhile to get comfortable with shifting gears, braking, etc. Right now I have to "think" about everything I'm doing and I don't have time to think about anything else when I'm on that bike. Believe me, I'm focused!!! LOL When I got back from my sister's and went to turn onto my street, all of a sudden I was afraid to turn right, it just scared me, I didn't think I could make the turn!......yep, you read correctly, so I went straight up the road. LOL. I pulled off on the side a little ways up, duck walked the bike around on the road and came down and turned left onto the street. What an idiot, eh? :) Oh well, I don't really care if someone saw me, I think it's funny really. Guess I better practice turning to the right! I can't go around making all left turns when I'm, ya know.........:)

Well, it's 1:43 a.m. and I have work in the morning and have to get up at 5:40 a.m. I took a long nap this afternoon, but I bet I'll pay for staying up late tomorrow. Hope I don't fall asleep tomorrow afternoon at work....... shhhhhhhhhhh don't tell my boss :)


You guys take care.

Man Apart 05-17-2004 07:19 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I am here. I have not left. The clock is still ticking. There is still sand in my hourglass.

Gena......Gena..... my friend. What is wrong? There is onething my heart cannot take and that is when a angel cries. I never see you like this. You are stronger than I can ever imagine being. I love you. You are my inspiration. You are someone I look up to and disclose so much of my life to. I confine in you. Sometimes I forget throughout my selfish, self centered, morbid tirades that you are human and you hurt and you cry. I am here. I will check this board every hour that I am awake need be, I want to know you are ok.

Yes the world does suck. Thats very apparent. Your crying because your in pain. Your in the middle of a big transition in your life. Like I said before. Pain is just weakness leaving your body. Its like having surgery, your extracting something awful in your life, but the procedure is painful. But down the road you will be strong and healthy again. Hold on, keep believing. Look at me, I drove past hope a million miles ago, yet I am still holding on to the day i will see hope again. I want you to focus on you. Dont worry about me, or the millions of people in this world. I always told someone if I had 3 wishes the first two would be spent on fixing the world and if I had nothing other to think of I used the last for myself. There is so much suffering going on in this world. And where there is suffering there is envy, where there is envy there is resentment. This world is night and day to me. Too predictable, nothing surprises me, there are no more leaders of examples, just legions of followers leeching on whatever they can.

As long as you remain positive i have all the faith in the world in you. You have so much more things in your life to look forward to. Dont look back now. And um, im not going to try and tell you what to do or how to live your life but, you know how I feel about the drinking issue. I do not want you to go down that dark self medicating road, leaving part of yourself and your future in every empty bottle.

Ok, on to the lighter side of things I suppose. I guess one of the reasons why im so derranged and is cos I started watching horror movies when I was like 6. There was a weekly tv show that came on every saturday night, into sunday morning. This is way beack in my days of poverty and the clothes hanger anetenna. It was the most disturbing stuff I ever saw and it always scared the life out of me but I was so compelled every saturday night to watch it, in the dark with my sister. I guess thats why im so filled with fear. I had so many nightmares.

You know, today there isnt one monster movie that could ever scare me. Cos I cant get past the fact that its just a guy in a big ugly costume. lol. Back when I was 6 I still believed in santa claus, so I was equally convinced there was a freddy kruger. Nowadays the best horror movies is the psychological ones. I love all of M. Night Shamalayans movies, I loved The Ring. That was a excellent movie. And I know alot of people wouldnt agree but I thought the blairwitch project was pretty remarkable. You never actually seem anything, yet you were afraid because those amateur actors did such a great job and potraying fear. There is a movie I am looking forward to called The Village. Its a period piece, probably set in the mid 1800's about a village of people living among a forest of creatures. The people and the creatures made a truce not to disturb oneanother and live peacefully. But the truce is about to be broken.

I saw Troy over the weekend. Now this movie tries very hard to be like a epic or whatever but it falls a little short in my opinion. It did make alot of money in the box office, and deservingly so. It was a very good movie. I think I am more intrigued by the story moreson than others. When I got home I searched on the web and read alot more about the Trojan war, the city of Troy and the face that launced a thousand ships. The movie had its great moments. Its painful watching Brad Pitt on screen in this movie. Not only cos hes this genetically superior freak of nature but, also because he was just severely miscast. And hes a good actor, not great, but very good. Very much capable of bring the character of achillies to life, but this was just awful. Maybe if they put like a scar on his face or something I dunno, he looked like wonder woman. I guess everyone cant be Conan. I guess I was expecting more like Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Now theres either alot of special effects in this movie or they used about 2 million extras. Anyway, theres my review I guess. Genie take care of yourself for me ok. Write me soon.

Enoch, I want to respond to some of the things you talked about, yet, time is of the essence. Your the most philosphical person I ever met. I thought I was bad.

Lori I hope your doing better. I dont know if this is good or bad but im being put on lexapro. Just a trial perscription. These MHC people are annoying the hell out of me. But I have to keep in mind they are here to help. I wish I could lift my mind out of this suicidal trend. Im holding too much deep rooted envy. I cant die because of this. I cant. I cant die cos of this envy. It causes me unspeakable pain night and day but, I cant let this drive me to the grave. I just wish so badly I did not look so bad. I cant stop comparing if i wanted to. Cos I see faces everyday and every face I see just makes me so badly wish more and more that I did not have to wear mine.

Moxie, your posts are always pleasant to read. Im afraid wherever I go my problems will follow. Lets just say, I am the problem. i am moving out of this house later this year into my own place. There may be even something more bigger than that that I am hoping for. If I live long enough. Alot of people not only form this board but my own therapist are heavily suggesting I move out. I admit I do not see the significance but I think I will move anywya just for the sake of being out on my own. You take care as well and I hope to hear from you again soon.

Take care gang. Best wishes and much love always.

Genabeena 05-17-2004 11:07 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
(tears streaming down my face)
I'm so happy [I]I have friends[/I]. Man Apart, you're a sweet, sweet, sweet, caring person. I am very fortunate to have found you.

That thing about "pain is weakness leaving your body," yes, yes! That's so true! Love is pain, but pain is weakness leaving your body. That completes the thought. That's how love makes us stronger.

You're right too, about "down the road you'll be strong and healthy again." I can envision it. I can see it in my mind's eye. I already feel better. I'm going to do it. I am going to find a way to be happy or die trying.

You don’t have to stay glued to your computer. It would be unreasonable and wrong for me to expect anyone to do that. The sentiment, though, makes me feel very warm. You care!

Roberta, I think it is so awesome that you are a biker! I totally understand how making a right turn would be scary. It’s good that you are taking your time and staying on the cautious side. Not silly- SMART.

I feel very silly looking any time I start doing swimming laps after a long period of letting myself go and not exercising, but I stick to it and soon enough, I don’t look so silly anymore. Soon, I’m aware that people are looking at me and probably thinking, “she must be a serious swimmer,” and “she is very toned.”

Thank you Enoch. I think that, not only are you perceptive, thoughtful, and very introspective, but your powers of empathy are probably stronger than any I have ever seen. Thank you for being with me. It means the world.

Man Apart there are some exciting changes happening for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep trying. Those people are trying to help you and that does my heart good. It’s a relief to all of us to know that there is someone there, giving you the real help and attention that you need.

Here is why you need to move out on your own:
[QUOTE=Man Apart] But the world constantly reminds me I should be. At some point in my life I realized everything that everyone said and thought about me became my reality. How could it not, how could I possibly have prevented it. Those people raised me, they programed me, they created me. I am a product of their influence. [/QUOTE]

It’s time for you to start surrounding yourself with positive influences. It’s not about you being alone, away from other people. It’s about finding a new, healthier community sphere. It’s the same thing I’m doing by divorcing my husband.

Well, back to job applications. I’ve got a lot of preparations to make for my trip to Florida and not much time. (I have to be there on June 3rd and 4th). I’ll let you all know how it goes.

Love, Gena

MermaidMer 05-17-2004 11:42 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
hi man apart, hi gena, roberta, lori, enoch, and everyone else. i'm back! i was getting really stressed out from finals, i actually had a severe anxiety attack where i couldn't breathe and i was lightheaded and my arms and legs were tingly and it felt like i was going to pass out, so my friends took me to the ER. they gave me oxygen to help me breathe, and i got an ekg, and i had to pee in a cup. they also gave me 1mg of ativan to calm me down, and a script for it, but i'm going to consult with my pdoc before i fill it. so sorry i was gone for a little while, but i'm back and i'm home for the summer (just moved back home on saturday), so i'll be around all the time now.

man apart, i'm so glad that you're getting help. even though you want to fight your counsellor and resist the things she wants to do for you, deep down it will be so much better for you. i know you are reluctant to try anything new or take risks, but i think that getting help and going on lexapro will be one worth taking. i hope it works for you and gives you the relief you need. keep us posted on how you're doing.

gena, hope the job search is still going well. good luck when you go to florida! i would love to get a teaching job in florida, the weather there is so nice and i love the sunshine and the heat. i hope your daughters are well, are they going with you to florida? that would be a nice mini-vacation for the three of you to get away from things (meaning, your soon-to-be-ex-hubby). how are things in that department? is he definitely going through with the uncontested divorce? i wish you the best of luck, know that i'm always here to support you.

going off on the movie tangent, i saw kill bill vol. 2 over the weekend. i loved the first one (i own it) so i was really looking forward to #2. i was slightly disappointed that there wasn't more violence, but i was glad that it clarified the plot more. have any of you seen either of the kill bills? i also really want to see troy, man apart, so don't spoil anything for me. although, i just finished taking a class in ancient greek heroism, and we read homer's iliad (which troy is based on) so i just spent a whole semester studying what the movie is about. but i agree, even though i haven't seen it yet, i think brad pitt is too good looking to play achilles. although, orlando bloom as paris, the most good looking guy in the world....who can argue with that? hehe sorry, i was a huge fan of LOTR as well.

anyway, i have to go get ready for work. i teach swimming lessons to three year olds, so i have to prepare my lesson, since i haven't taught since last summer. wish me luck, pray that i don't drown these little kids. oh and tonight is my first night of summer class, wish me luck with that as well, because it's math, my worst subject.

sorry i wrote a novel, i just wanted to pop in here and update everyone and see how you were doing. please keep in touch, and i'll write back soon! love to all of you (especially man apart and gena)!


Man Apart 05-17-2004 02:26 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Meredith. What a beautiful name. I was wondering what Mer was was short for. Omg, is finals that bad? I was still thinking about going back to school, I may reconsider now. Ok sorry, bad joke. Im terribly sorry you had such a awful anxiety attack. I get those alot. Im glad your ok now. *hug* Hey you made girl, you made it. Look at you, the Mighty Meredith of Troy, conquered all.

Wish I had cool names like you guys. Gena is lucky. I like they way her name is spelled. And Roberta is such a classical name. My parents werent very thoughtful at the time, I think they just thought of something that started with R off the top of their head. Rod is short for something even more hideous. It would have been a cool name to have if I was attractive. People would call me Hot Rod or Rod the bod. lol. Instead of odd rod.

How can I ruin Troy for you, your in a greek class lol. You know what its all about. Dont start with Orlando Bloom and Brad pitt. Yeah theyre handsome, blah blah, *covering my ears*. Talk about a charmed existence. Ugh, your putting me on the envy train. I gotta stop. Anyway go see the movie, its quite lengthy, so you have to kind of stick with alot of boring spots but overall its good.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Not with math class, not thats the easy part. You got 3 years old. Oh boy. Im praying for you. Take care Meredith of Troy.

Gena, Gena. Your crying again. I hope at least these are not sad tears. Wow your going to Florida. *jealous* Have fun, get in a beanie bikini and go surfing! My fingers are crossed, i hope you get the job. Wow, if you do your going to be in florida. lol. I think happiness is knocking on your door. Time to make your way to the door and let it in. And that means going for it with all youve got. There are moments in everyone life when you come to a crossroad. This is the point your at right now. I wish I was as outgoing as you guys. Its hard for me to apply for a job down the street. Man, I really am messed up =(. I live like a groundhog, this day just keeps repeating. I dont understand. Well...... actually I do know why I have such a severe public phobia but, geez geez, geez, what happened to me. I was able to go to school, i was able to work for a span of time before i just went complete hermit. Thats the scary part, I feel Ive isolated myself so long and grown so incredibly envious, I can barely stand going anywhere. I cant help but to feel im at a point of no return. I wish just for once when I go see a movie I dont have to leave this house feeling so much anxiety, wearing shades and a hat trying my best to look down. It turns into such a big event. It sucks. And I cant control it. Cos sad to say, but it seems like the next pretty face I see may be my last. Its that bad. I really screwed up somewhere in my life really bad. What a deadly deadly sin envy is. But you know what, I cant blame myself, I really cant, if you guys saw me you would understand. Its just cruel. I cant accept my face. Its hard trying to go through life that way. Im not gonna complain or go on a tirade but the way I look, the elephant man got off easy.

Ok, sorry about that. Oh by the way. I might be taking enoch's advise later this year. I dont want to jinx anything but I had to mention that. I may have found that loop hole back to hope. Either its the brightness of hope blinding me, or the death train's headlights is on high beam and heading towards me.

Genabeena 05-17-2004 03:56 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I'm o.k., guys. I'm actually much better than I've been all week now. I finally got some things out of my system, which allows me to concentrate better on things that need my attention.

I am so so so so so sooooooo glad you guys are here. I feel very fortunate.

I'm sorry to hear about your ER trip Mer. That had to be very scary. I used to have attacks of violent bouts of vomiting when I got stressed like that. Not to gross you all out, but I once lost it right in the middle of a presentation I was giving in front of a group of classmates. I had already spent the entire day, going around campus with vomit on my shoes, trying to go about my day (because the prof said that if we missed our presentation day for any reason at all, there was no way we could make it up- and it was worth a huge percentage of our grade.) So I remember being in the computer lab with a waste basket right by me, stopping to throw up every 5 minutes or so, the fellow on the computer next to me getting up to leave looking quite pale himself by then. Now I get hives instead. But anyways, I'm glad your feeling better now. Did the finals go o.k. after all?

As for the hubby department, I'm still waiting things out. He really wants to see a moderator, but we really can't afford that (it's not covered by our insurance). I'm going to let him look into the pricings as much as he wants, though, and maybe he will either find a way to afford it, or give up on it and agree to take the cheaper route. I'm just going to give it time.

Yeah, I think Florida could be a fine place to live. Also, Texas has some shortages, so I might be checking that out too. I have a fair number of relatives who live there; aunts and uncles, my grandma.

I haven't seen the [I]Kill Bills[/I]. I did see another Tarentino film, [I]Natural Born Killers[/I]. Watched that a few times. Also saw [I]Pulp Fiction[/I]. I bought that one. More and more, though, I wonder where Tarentino is going with all this stuff- like, what's the messege? or what's the point? Well, maybe that will eventually make itself apparent. I wasn't going to see [I]Kill Bill[/I], but now that you said you liked 'em, now I'm all curious.

Man, Enoch has good advice. Yes, what he is suggesting is emotionally risky, but life is so full of risks. If you're not taking any risks, then you might not [I]really[/I] be living. The risks, the joy and sorrow, the love and pain. These things all make us alive. Risk, gain, lose- it's all part of it. Also, Rod is a nice name. You make it nicer.

Love to all! Gena.

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