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lori j 05-14-2004 09:55 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, did you get your meds today? I'm low on sleep so have to be short tonite. Will check in tomorrow nite, but may have a 3 1/2 year old & almost 2 year old twins staying overnite, so don't know if I'll get a chance, but good luck & I hope you got your meds today!!!

Genabeena 05-15-2004 04:03 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Oh where oh where has my little Man gone?
Oh where oh where can he be?
I-I can't stop crying and I'm all alone, (and drunk)
Oooooh where oh where can he be?

Sorry. I know I'm being a real **** right now, but something's wrong with me. My eyes keep leaking. I don't want anybody in my immediate life to know, but I've been crying almost every chance I get. Why? I don't know. I mean, the world sucks right now. I'm in serious financial trouble, getting divorced (and that's the good news), millions of people in pain and agony right now all around the world, no job, surrounded by death (I'm referring to my grandmother)...etc, etc.

BUT, I've been taking care of myself. Taking my vitamins, exercising like crazy, paying my bills (when I can), enjoying the company of my daughters, AND I've got a job interview in Florida! Sometimes I think, "I'm just a mess. How can I take care of two children? WHAT DO I THINK THAT I AM DOING?"

Genabeena 05-15-2004 05:20 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
[QUOTE=Man Apart]*coughing* Has anyone ever had a cold for like a entire month straight? I think all the years of sleeping under a fan through summer and winters has caught up with me. My immunity to cold weather has now cease to exist. Im running through bags of halls cough drops like their candy. I have such a pathetic immune system. Anyway, um, *cough* um, I never saw that movie, Ill look for it. Hahaha, yeah I dont think your children would really be the same again if you took them to see that. Maybe Van Helsing would be better. I dunno. Although I thought that movie was a CGI overloaded mess. Why even bother having actors, just make the entire movie computer generated. The girl that I met from the clinic back in October, I took her to see Texas chainsaw massacre. It was a disaster. lol. I couldnt enjoy the movie at all because she was grabbing and screaming through all of it. It was incredibly uncomfortable for me cos I do not like being touched at all. And I could swear she was trying to fill me up sometimes. lol. Like I told you before about her, she was supposedly really inflatuated with me until I really found out her agenda and the type of person she was. I would love to see a movie with you, but if your like her, its on action flicks and dramas for you beenie. lol. You know it surprises me how much of a affect movies have on people. My sister saw that movie too and the next day she was reading the bible like she had committed a sin. People, its just make up and syrup with red coloring. lol.
Positive note:

I loved this part of your post. I almost felt like we were going to the movies. I would see any movie. TCM, N of the LD, Creature, Nightmare on ES. Those aren’t my favorite kinds of movies, but, hey, a pop culture classic is a pop culture classic. I love all kinds of movies (you know as long as they’re good!) My favorite movies are movies that tell a story. The Native Americans are THE BEST storytellers [I]ever[/I], as far as I’m concerned. So that kind of gives you a lead-in to the kinds of movies/stories I like.

I’m looking at these DVDs sitting on the floor right now and contemplating watching one, and you know what I’m thinking? It’s not anywhere near as good without someone to watch it with me.

One of my most vivid memories is from when I was about 12 or 13. My friend and I just had a swim in my family’s swimming pool, and then we took a shower together. After the shower, we got into our jammies. I had pink and white jimmies with big ruffles and polka-dots. And we bundled up on the couch together with some popcorn and watched…………………………Psycho!

Some of my most “cozy” moments have occurred while watching horror films. Cujo. Jaws,…………..AAAAAAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHHH!

enoch 05-16-2004 05:45 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Geena - where do you think man apart has gone? Let us hope he is okay today and busy with things in a good way - and you geena are you okay today? your last post's sound a bit lonely - the loneliness felt when you think you are alone - then alcohol to boot - a substance that depresses after the initial buzz is realized.. how are things going with your forward momentum to get away from that man - who stopped being your companion or friend long ago - and they call it commitment - lol - commitment to pretense I suppose in the perfect world marriage vows seem so cosmic in scope - but intermingled with our own perceptions here on earth we manage to rearrage the landscape and find mud to drag them through each and every time.. regardless of personalities we are all at fault - and with you and what I have read only one perspective = but I believe you have said enough to show your perspective on things is based on some truth of situation - you can not grow as a spiritual person if the other one there is fine and happy with routine and the sameness - and the perspective that things would be fine if only you did not change and want more. Men in many cases have a problem with god - they want to replace him with themselves - so if he is not looking up at god or seeing the wisdom beyone the day to day things of your relationship - you see him for what he is - a false god - but for awhile you served the false god and gave him the feeling that his kingdom was secure - but because he was so ego centered in his belief of being king - it comes as a shock to him that his kingdom is now gone -thus the result of anger and meanness - this is why often people die by the hand of a god dethroned - feeling powerless they try to take power back by insane acts against those they think caused their kingdom to end... a married man is much less dangerous than a freshly divorced man.. statistics prove that.. a married man who discovers his wife messing around still has a thought that all is not finished - or so the ego tells them - while a freshly divorce man realizes one day his kingdom is gone..
Well your on the mark with your decisons based on what you have woke up to which seems to be the truth in the matter.. but its hard going when you have doubt planted by years of interaction with this man - is he a monster?
mostly no - just human but all the wrong dysfunctional things implanted through the years of interaction in them have been surfacing of late no doubt.
just be aware that to get out you must move through that mine field.. you not alone - really your not - higher power has you already if you see as you do in the grace of truth - no matter how painfull- you are in grad school while he is in high school regarding truth of relationship - its why conversation can not be understood in the exchange.. the me me me factor of why why why do you want to mess up a good thing = if you just do what I say and act like you always have things will be fine.. don't matter if you suffocate in the mean time as long as you can be propped up and look like your there - do they care if you actually are? or that you are reaching some understandings about your own self and your individual seach for your path to salvation? naw they don't care - and how can you ever have nothing but contempt for a tin god - and even in that judgement does not sit well with you or bring much validity to truth..
hope I have not invaded your mind too much geena - man apart is not here to talk to... makes me nervous..

moxie500 05-16-2004 10:55 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Hi GeenaBeena, Man Apart and Everyone Else on this Thread,

I must say, I have read many of your letters expressing your feelings and also many of your responses to each other, and if everyone in this world were as honest with their feelings and as kind and thoughtful of others as you all are ....WOW! What a wonderful world it would be. You are ALL very caring, loving people.

Who knows if I will be back to talk on here I may, may not, because it is a busy time for me in my life, but I am intrigued with the rawness of real feelings spokin honestly on here and I'm swept up in the kindness and caring.

Geena....You had an emotional day.....have had a lot of those, especially before and the first 6 months after my separation. The good news is that they have faded for me and it is a sign of healing, but while there is turmoil and uncertainty I believe it is the bodies way of coping. Sometimes I would get so befuddled and so exhausted from not just the mental fatigue of everything, but also from the physical fatigue of handling everything alone. I still get overwhelmed sometimes, but by darned I somehow pull it back together and get moving. I'm smiling at you Geenabeena and giving you a hug, dusting you off, putting you back on your feet, your sniffles are subsiding and your strength is returning. Tomorrow is a fresh day.

Man Apart......I don't know that much about you, I hear your pain, I'm certainly not a medical specialist, just an a 50 year old woman (though of course as all 50 year old women, I look 39 :) who floated onto this forum one night looking for some answers for my teen son at that time, who, I'm glad to say, is doing better since I first visited on here. As I mentioned to you before in a caught my attention. I will ramble a bit now with some thoughts which you probably already have considered, but since I don't know that I think I am possibly being helpful........:)

Sometimes change is good, but I don't know your situation that well, so if I am off the ballpark, just consider it's an old woman ramblin.......k? :)......Have you ever considered a fresh start by moving to another part of town, or to a different town closeby, or another area in the U.S. where you might have a relative/friend nearby so you have a contact closeby if needed? A fresh start away from triggers at would have independence, responsibility for yourself, responsibility for your time, your thoughts, a time to heal in ways and control. Yes, control over your situation. Don't know if you would consider such an adventure as moving out on your own, or if you would be ready for such a thing. If not, do you have any hobbies? Is there a hobby you have always wanted to do or do you have any interests that could bring a smile or a few minutues or hours to focus on that would draw you into it and you would think of nothing but the pasttime you are doing? A pleasant escape? Last year I took the Motorcycle Safety Course, passed the course and got my motorcycle license. The purpose was to make time for myself doing something for me because I was not doing anything fun for myself, and was under major stress. A friend encouraged me to try it. My dad had minibikes when I was a kid and they were fun to ride and I had always wanted to learn to ride a motorcycle.

About a week ago I bought a used 250 Honda Rebel. Now I have to tell you, as a beginner rider I just took my first road trip to my sister's house, which is about one and half miles away today. I got there okay and I got back to my house okay. I rode a wopping 35 mph :) I am trying to be very patient with myself about learing this bike riding stuff because I know it will take me awhile to get comfortable with shifting gears, braking, etc. Right now I have to "think" about everything I'm doing and I don't have time to think about anything else when I'm on that bike. Believe me, I'm focused!!! LOL When I got back from my sister's and went to turn onto my street, all of a sudden I was afraid to turn right, it just scared me, I didn't think I could make the turn!......yep, you read correctly, so I went straight up the road. LOL. I pulled off on the side a little ways up, duck walked the bike around on the road and came down and turned left onto the street. What an idiot, eh? :) Oh well, I don't really care if someone saw me, I think it's funny really. Guess I better practice turning to the right! I can't go around making all left turns when I'm, ya know.........:)

Well, it's 1:43 a.m. and I have work in the morning and have to get up at 5:40 a.m. I took a long nap this afternoon, but I bet I'll pay for staying up late tomorrow. Hope I don't fall asleep tomorrow afternoon at work....... shhhhhhhhhhh don't tell my boss :)


You guys take care.

Man Apart 05-17-2004 07:19 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I am here. I have not left. The clock is still ticking. There is still sand in my hourglass.

Gena......Gena..... my friend. What is wrong? There is onething my heart cannot take and that is when a angel cries. I never see you like this. You are stronger than I can ever imagine being. I love you. You are my inspiration. You are someone I look up to and disclose so much of my life to. I confine in you. Sometimes I forget throughout my selfish, self centered, morbid tirades that you are human and you hurt and you cry. I am here. I will check this board every hour that I am awake need be, I want to know you are ok.

Yes the world does suck. Thats very apparent. Your crying because your in pain. Your in the middle of a big transition in your life. Like I said before. Pain is just weakness leaving your body. Its like having surgery, your extracting something awful in your life, but the procedure is painful. But down the road you will be strong and healthy again. Hold on, keep believing. Look at me, I drove past hope a million miles ago, yet I am still holding on to the day i will see hope again. I want you to focus on you. Dont worry about me, or the millions of people in this world. I always told someone if I had 3 wishes the first two would be spent on fixing the world and if I had nothing other to think of I used the last for myself. There is so much suffering going on in this world. And where there is suffering there is envy, where there is envy there is resentment. This world is night and day to me. Too predictable, nothing surprises me, there are no more leaders of examples, just legions of followers leeching on whatever they can.

As long as you remain positive i have all the faith in the world in you. You have so much more things in your life to look forward to. Dont look back now. And um, im not going to try and tell you what to do or how to live your life but, you know how I feel about the drinking issue. I do not want you to go down that dark self medicating road, leaving part of yourself and your future in every empty bottle.

Ok, on to the lighter side of things I suppose. I guess one of the reasons why im so derranged and is cos I started watching horror movies when I was like 6. There was a weekly tv show that came on every saturday night, into sunday morning. This is way beack in my days of poverty and the clothes hanger anetenna. It was the most disturbing stuff I ever saw and it always scared the life out of me but I was so compelled every saturday night to watch it, in the dark with my sister. I guess thats why im so filled with fear. I had so many nightmares.

You know, today there isnt one monster movie that could ever scare me. Cos I cant get past the fact that its just a guy in a big ugly costume. lol. Back when I was 6 I still believed in santa claus, so I was equally convinced there was a freddy kruger. Nowadays the best horror movies is the psychological ones. I love all of M. Night Shamalayans movies, I loved The Ring. That was a excellent movie. And I know alot of people wouldnt agree but I thought the blairwitch project was pretty remarkable. You never actually seem anything, yet you were afraid because those amateur actors did such a great job and potraying fear. There is a movie I am looking forward to called The Village. Its a period piece, probably set in the mid 1800's about a village of people living among a forest of creatures. The people and the creatures made a truce not to disturb oneanother and live peacefully. But the truce is about to be broken.

I saw Troy over the weekend. Now this movie tries very hard to be like a epic or whatever but it falls a little short in my opinion. It did make alot of money in the box office, and deservingly so. It was a very good movie. I think I am more intrigued by the story moreson than others. When I got home I searched on the web and read alot more about the Trojan war, the city of Troy and the face that launced a thousand ships. The movie had its great moments. Its painful watching Brad Pitt on screen in this movie. Not only cos hes this genetically superior freak of nature but, also because he was just severely miscast. And hes a good actor, not great, but very good. Very much capable of bring the character of achillies to life, but this was just awful. Maybe if they put like a scar on his face or something I dunno, he looked like wonder woman. I guess everyone cant be Conan. I guess I was expecting more like Russell Crowe in Gladiator. Now theres either alot of special effects in this movie or they used about 2 million extras. Anyway, theres my review I guess. Genie take care of yourself for me ok. Write me soon.

Enoch, I want to respond to some of the things you talked about, yet, time is of the essence. Your the most philosphical person I ever met. I thought I was bad.

Lori I hope your doing better. I dont know if this is good or bad but im being put on lexapro. Just a trial perscription. These MHC people are annoying the hell out of me. But I have to keep in mind they are here to help. I wish I could lift my mind out of this suicidal trend. Im holding too much deep rooted envy. I cant die because of this. I cant. I cant die cos of this envy. It causes me unspeakable pain night and day but, I cant let this drive me to the grave. I just wish so badly I did not look so bad. I cant stop comparing if i wanted to. Cos I see faces everyday and every face I see just makes me so badly wish more and more that I did not have to wear mine.

Moxie, your posts are always pleasant to read. Im afraid wherever I go my problems will follow. Lets just say, I am the problem. i am moving out of this house later this year into my own place. There may be even something more bigger than that that I am hoping for. If I live long enough. Alot of people not only form this board but my own therapist are heavily suggesting I move out. I admit I do not see the significance but I think I will move anywya just for the sake of being out on my own. You take care as well and I hope to hear from you again soon.

Take care gang. Best wishes and much love always.

Genabeena 05-17-2004 11:07 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
(tears streaming down my face)
I'm so happy [I]I have friends[/I]. Man Apart, you're a sweet, sweet, sweet, caring person. I am very fortunate to have found you.

That thing about "pain is weakness leaving your body," yes, yes! That's so true! Love is pain, but pain is weakness leaving your body. That completes the thought. That's how love makes us stronger.

You're right too, about "down the road you'll be strong and healthy again." I can envision it. I can see it in my mind's eye. I already feel better. I'm going to do it. I am going to find a way to be happy or die trying.

You don’t have to stay glued to your computer. It would be unreasonable and wrong for me to expect anyone to do that. The sentiment, though, makes me feel very warm. You care!

Roberta, I think it is so awesome that you are a biker! I totally understand how making a right turn would be scary. It’s good that you are taking your time and staying on the cautious side. Not silly- SMART.

I feel very silly looking any time I start doing swimming laps after a long period of letting myself go and not exercising, but I stick to it and soon enough, I don’t look so silly anymore. Soon, I’m aware that people are looking at me and probably thinking, “she must be a serious swimmer,” and “she is very toned.”

Thank you Enoch. I think that, not only are you perceptive, thoughtful, and very introspective, but your powers of empathy are probably stronger than any I have ever seen. Thank you for being with me. It means the world.

Man Apart there are some exciting changes happening for you. Keep doing what you’re doing. Keep trying. Those people are trying to help you and that does my heart good. It’s a relief to all of us to know that there is someone there, giving you the real help and attention that you need.

Here is why you need to move out on your own:
[QUOTE=Man Apart] But the world constantly reminds me I should be. At some point in my life I realized everything that everyone said and thought about me became my reality. How could it not, how could I possibly have prevented it. Those people raised me, they programed me, they created me. I am a product of their influence. [/QUOTE]

It’s time for you to start surrounding yourself with positive influences. It’s not about you being alone, away from other people. It’s about finding a new, healthier community sphere. It’s the same thing I’m doing by divorcing my husband.

Well, back to job applications. I’ve got a lot of preparations to make for my trip to Florida and not much time. (I have to be there on June 3rd and 4th). I’ll let you all know how it goes.

Love, Gena

MermaidMer 05-17-2004 11:42 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
hi man apart, hi gena, roberta, lori, enoch, and everyone else. i'm back! i was getting really stressed out from finals, i actually had a severe anxiety attack where i couldn't breathe and i was lightheaded and my arms and legs were tingly and it felt like i was going to pass out, so my friends took me to the ER. they gave me oxygen to help me breathe, and i got an ekg, and i had to pee in a cup. they also gave me 1mg of ativan to calm me down, and a script for it, but i'm going to consult with my pdoc before i fill it. so sorry i was gone for a little while, but i'm back and i'm home for the summer (just moved back home on saturday), so i'll be around all the time now.

man apart, i'm so glad that you're getting help. even though you want to fight your counsellor and resist the things she wants to do for you, deep down it will be so much better for you. i know you are reluctant to try anything new or take risks, but i think that getting help and going on lexapro will be one worth taking. i hope it works for you and gives you the relief you need. keep us posted on how you're doing.

gena, hope the job search is still going well. good luck when you go to florida! i would love to get a teaching job in florida, the weather there is so nice and i love the sunshine and the heat. i hope your daughters are well, are they going with you to florida? that would be a nice mini-vacation for the three of you to get away from things (meaning, your soon-to-be-ex-hubby). how are things in that department? is he definitely going through with the uncontested divorce? i wish you the best of luck, know that i'm always here to support you.

going off on the movie tangent, i saw kill bill vol. 2 over the weekend. i loved the first one (i own it) so i was really looking forward to #2. i was slightly disappointed that there wasn't more violence, but i was glad that it clarified the plot more. have any of you seen either of the kill bills? i also really want to see troy, man apart, so don't spoil anything for me. although, i just finished taking a class in ancient greek heroism, and we read homer's iliad (which troy is based on) so i just spent a whole semester studying what the movie is about. but i agree, even though i haven't seen it yet, i think brad pitt is too good looking to play achilles. although, orlando bloom as paris, the most good looking guy in the world....who can argue with that? hehe sorry, i was a huge fan of LOTR as well.

anyway, i have to go get ready for work. i teach swimming lessons to three year olds, so i have to prepare my lesson, since i haven't taught since last summer. wish me luck, pray that i don't drown these little kids. oh and tonight is my first night of summer class, wish me luck with that as well, because it's math, my worst subject.

sorry i wrote a novel, i just wanted to pop in here and update everyone and see how you were doing. please keep in touch, and i'll write back soon! love to all of you (especially man apart and gena)!


Man Apart 05-17-2004 02:26 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Meredith. What a beautiful name. I was wondering what Mer was was short for. Omg, is finals that bad? I was still thinking about going back to school, I may reconsider now. Ok sorry, bad joke. Im terribly sorry you had such a awful anxiety attack. I get those alot. Im glad your ok now. *hug* Hey you made girl, you made it. Look at you, the Mighty Meredith of Troy, conquered all.

Wish I had cool names like you guys. Gena is lucky. I like they way her name is spelled. And Roberta is such a classical name. My parents werent very thoughtful at the time, I think they just thought of something that started with R off the top of their head. Rod is short for something even more hideous. It would have been a cool name to have if I was attractive. People would call me Hot Rod or Rod the bod. lol. Instead of odd rod.

How can I ruin Troy for you, your in a greek class lol. You know what its all about. Dont start with Orlando Bloom and Brad pitt. Yeah theyre handsome, blah blah, *covering my ears*. Talk about a charmed existence. Ugh, your putting me on the envy train. I gotta stop. Anyway go see the movie, its quite lengthy, so you have to kind of stick with alot of boring spots but overall its good.

I wish you all the luck in the world. Not with math class, not thats the easy part. You got 3 years old. Oh boy. Im praying for you. Take care Meredith of Troy.

Gena, Gena. Your crying again. I hope at least these are not sad tears. Wow your going to Florida. *jealous* Have fun, get in a beanie bikini and go surfing! My fingers are crossed, i hope you get the job. Wow, if you do your going to be in florida. lol. I think happiness is knocking on your door. Time to make your way to the door and let it in. And that means going for it with all youve got. There are moments in everyone life when you come to a crossroad. This is the point your at right now. I wish I was as outgoing as you guys. Its hard for me to apply for a job down the street. Man, I really am messed up =(. I live like a groundhog, this day just keeps repeating. I dont understand. Well...... actually I do know why I have such a severe public phobia but, geez geez, geez, what happened to me. I was able to go to school, i was able to work for a span of time before i just went complete hermit. Thats the scary part, I feel Ive isolated myself so long and grown so incredibly envious, I can barely stand going anywhere. I cant help but to feel im at a point of no return. I wish just for once when I go see a movie I dont have to leave this house feeling so much anxiety, wearing shades and a hat trying my best to look down. It turns into such a big event. It sucks. And I cant control it. Cos sad to say, but it seems like the next pretty face I see may be my last. Its that bad. I really screwed up somewhere in my life really bad. What a deadly deadly sin envy is. But you know what, I cant blame myself, I really cant, if you guys saw me you would understand. Its just cruel. I cant accept my face. Its hard trying to go through life that way. Im not gonna complain or go on a tirade but the way I look, the elephant man got off easy.

Ok, sorry about that. Oh by the way. I might be taking enoch's advise later this year. I dont want to jinx anything but I had to mention that. I may have found that loop hole back to hope. Either its the brightness of hope blinding me, or the death train's headlights is on high beam and heading towards me.

Genabeena 05-17-2004 03:56 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I'm o.k., guys. I'm actually much better than I've been all week now. I finally got some things out of my system, which allows me to concentrate better on things that need my attention.

I am so so so so so sooooooo glad you guys are here. I feel very fortunate.

I'm sorry to hear about your ER trip Mer. That had to be very scary. I used to have attacks of violent bouts of vomiting when I got stressed like that. Not to gross you all out, but I once lost it right in the middle of a presentation I was giving in front of a group of classmates. I had already spent the entire day, going around campus with vomit on my shoes, trying to go about my day (because the prof said that if we missed our presentation day for any reason at all, there was no way we could make it up- and it was worth a huge percentage of our grade.) So I remember being in the computer lab with a waste basket right by me, stopping to throw up every 5 minutes or so, the fellow on the computer next to me getting up to leave looking quite pale himself by then. Now I get hives instead. But anyways, I'm glad your feeling better now. Did the finals go o.k. after all?

As for the hubby department, I'm still waiting things out. He really wants to see a moderator, but we really can't afford that (it's not covered by our insurance). I'm going to let him look into the pricings as much as he wants, though, and maybe he will either find a way to afford it, or give up on it and agree to take the cheaper route. I'm just going to give it time.

Yeah, I think Florida could be a fine place to live. Also, Texas has some shortages, so I might be checking that out too. I have a fair number of relatives who live there; aunts and uncles, my grandma.

I haven't seen the [I]Kill Bills[/I]. I did see another Tarentino film, [I]Natural Born Killers[/I]. Watched that a few times. Also saw [I]Pulp Fiction[/I]. I bought that one. More and more, though, I wonder where Tarentino is going with all this stuff- like, what's the messege? or what's the point? Well, maybe that will eventually make itself apparent. I wasn't going to see [I]Kill Bill[/I], but now that you said you liked 'em, now I'm all curious.

Man, Enoch has good advice. Yes, what he is suggesting is emotionally risky, but life is so full of risks. If you're not taking any risks, then you might not [I]really[/I] be living. The risks, the joy and sorrow, the love and pain. These things all make us alive. Risk, gain, lose- it's all part of it. Also, Rod is a nice name. You make it nicer.

Love to all! Gena.

lori j 05-17-2004 09:54 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, if the lexapro doesn't work, ask them to try one of the older tricyclics on you. I remember that you react quite badly to the ssri's just like me..
The older tricyclics have fewer side effects & no withdrawal. Let us know how you are doing on it, also watch for signs of side effects. I didn't do well on lexapro at all, had every side effect.

The trazadone is working great for me, just was a matter of finding the right tricyclic after my old one, amitriptyline failed after 7 years. I had minimal side effects from amitrip, mostly excessive sweating, but with trazadone I'm having NO side effects so far, almost a month now! Yeah.

Oops, forgot to tell you, I've been to the chiro for my back twice now & I'm feeling much better, the burning in the sciatica is gone, what a relief.. :bouncing:

Man Apart 05-18-2004 01:53 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I need a life, like soon. Can anybody tell me like what is a nightlife? I think I want one of those. I want to go swimming one of these years, that looks pretty fun when I see it on tv. God why cant that be me. lol.

Hey Gena, do me a favor. Check out my post on Tesseracts thread, I mentioned you on there. Plus Tess is a interesting person. Shes attractive yet she thinks shes pathetic. ANyway Kill Bill one was great part two was awful. lol. Except for one really funny part during the fight scene between Uma and Daryl Hannah. I unfortunately was drinking a pepsi through a straw at the exact moment and I created a lot of brown polka dots on my shirt. Tarentino never really has a message. He is just trying his hardest to be as unique and unconventional as he possibly can. And you know, hes pretty d*mn good at it.

Lori what side effects did you have on Lexapro? Im happy to say I have no side effects unlike the Zoloft and Clonapin. Except maybe a lil difficulty sleeping. I took all sorts of SSRI, liek prozac and paxil and was fine. Just zoloft and clonapin almost did me in. Um, hmmm, whats a tricyclics? Name one.

I miss trazadone. =(. Darn you know I should have never tried to kill myself with the one pill that actually helped me the most. lol. You should have seen the expression on my doctors face when I mentioned going on trazadone again after I ingested a bottle of them back in october. lol. He was like, befuddled. lol. But im happy to hear its working for you. Ive very pleased to hear that. Im glad yoru back is doing better as well. I was very concerned. I um, im gonna just keep hoping this lexapro stuff will help. These MHC people are relentless though. They call my house 4 times a day checking up on me. Making sure im taking my medication and blah blah. They send someone by 3 times a week. I dont appreciate the way they involed my parents into my suicidal issues, my parents have enough issues i dont need them waking up in the middle of the night checking on me like im a baby. My dad is taking the locks off my doors and forcing me to read the bible and join him in a sunday session. My mom took all the old medication i had and painkillers and hid them. Its just getting ridiculous. I never asked for this. But i cant be all that upset, cos all I do is cry for help.

enoch 05-18-2004 09:58 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man apart - think I met you this morning in my back yard - yard over grown with grass needing mowing and wild things and baby trees - but me and bunnies and the squirrels and the birds like it just fine.. So this morning I let my pitbull out - it had rained and thundered all night - now my dog he barks at thunder - must think its his dad or something - any way I let him out and after awhile I noticed him looking in some bushes then looking back at me looking out the window at him - now I pay attention to him because one night a candle I had exploded in the other room and he barked - I am 75 percent deaf - didnt have my hearing aids in - and he barked and I heard that and got up to find my table and some speakers on fire.. Not given to getting panic in emergencies (only when nothing is happening like sitting on my couch) - I took my shirt off and put the fire out - not much damage - but if he hadn't of barked - well anyway hes looking at me and I say okay better go see what hes looking at- so I find my shoes and go out - and there you were - a little bird not able to fly yet- somehow blown out of his nest - hiding in these bushes because he cannot fly yet to get up high were birds are suppose to be.. and I though of you... don't know why. this little bird what to do? I looked around for his parents - sometimes they will be nearby and will feed babies on the ground unless scared or the baby is touched by human hands - well I didn't touch him - just looked at him and felt sad that he had been out there all night on the ground in the thunder and rain - and the bush aint that great a bush - hes safe from cats - they know about my dog - and my dog shows no interest in killing stuff despite all the bad publicity - he seemed as concerned as I was about the little fellow being in the bush- I will watch for parents to see if they are feeding him - if not I will bring him in and dig for worms - I have done this before - worms are safe - any other insect stay away from some can kill birds - older birds know what not to eat - baby birds will chug down anything - I have found this out the hard way - killing what I did not mean to kill through lack of knowledge.
anyway for now the baby bird has bunnies and other birds coming and going a pitbull for a guardian against the intrusion of cats.. being such a small thing I think he deserves a chance to make it through spring and find summer and wings..

you sound upbeat man apart - maybe that lexapro is like worms.. and you got a pitbull and maybe even some poodles loooking out for you on the cosmic level.. when you go swimming get the biggest yellow t shirt you can find so everyone for two miles around you can see you.. usually in this life the more attention we try to draw to ourselves the less we recieve - its some kind of univeral law of the infinite jest.. and I got lots of yellow and orange t shirts and moms are always telling their kids to get away from me..
which is nice when your in the kiddy pool where its nice to sit down and relax.

Man Apart 05-18-2004 12:25 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Hey enoch. Thanks. Your words never fails to inspire. Even when I fall. You have a pretty smart lil pitbull there. You can learn alot from animals. Ive probably felt more love and compassion from my dog than any other human being in this world outside of my parents. I still remember the first day I got him. He was a little puff of hair the size of a soda can. My fondest memory of him was when i used to run around in the backyard and he used to follow me no matter how far I was away, he would sprout up and down in the grass like a rabbit. And when he finally made it to me I would pick him up and rub my nose against his. His little tail would wag. Then Id run to the other side of the yard and do it all over again...... Oh man I think my eyes are watering... lol... I dont remember him ever snapping or growling at me. He was a happy dog. I spent many nights with him in my bed growing up. he was extremely smart. Whenever I got ready for bed, he knew, he would jump in before I layed down. Only he really knows the true agony I speak of growing up. He witnessed it first hand. Being up all night, afraid to see the sun rise, afraid to go to school. But seems like he was always there to lick my wounds and watch the moon at night. That was the amazing thing about him. If my head wasnt literally on that pillow, he wouldnt go to sleep, he would stay up with me all night and occasionally rest his head on the bed. He never grew any bigger than the size of a shoebox. So to me he was forever young.

Well, it was hard watching him in his last days. He couldnt control his bladder. He had arthritis in his back. He couldnt walk straight. he moved like a snail. My mom wanted to have him put to sleep. I didnt, and I think I regret that decision now. I wanted him to live out his life unless it got too bad and too painful for him. But he was ok, he slept alot, still loved being outside, and wasnt in alot of pain. I lost him on Super Bowl sunday coming back from a friends place after watching the game, turn up to my street, saw him right in the middle of the road........sigh................ I guess.. the chicken crossed the road one too many times. He didnt make it that time. Ill always blame myself. For forgetting to lock the gate, for not agreeing with my mother to have him put to sleep, for not walking him more. Just, not like this. Anything but this. Anything than to have my last memory of him crushed and soaked in his own blood.

I havent been on lexapro long enough for it to be feeding me happy worms. I am upbeat though. I have alot to be upbeat about right now. I ...think. It would be counter-productive of me to not seize this moment and not build from it instead of continuing to live in the chains of misery im bound by. If I somehow fall short at this moment, I truly will have noone to blame but myself. Only time will tell. But I think I finally found that loophole. Because I fell in something. And it doesnt feel like yesterday.

Genabeena 05-18-2004 01:13 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Personally, Rod, it gives me a certain sense of security to know that people are checking up on you. You need it. I don't mean that in an admonishing or condescending way. It's always hard to accept help, I do know how that feels. Just remember its temporary; only until you no longer need it. (Deep sigh.)

I just read through the thread by Tesseract you told me about. You were right. It’s uncanny. So I don’t have time to type much more here today, but I added a kind of long post to Tesseract’s thread, so you should check that out.


lori j 05-18-2004 11:11 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, if the lexapro is not causing you any side effects, then don't look for trouble. I am sensitive, to say the least, to all ssri's so I had all the side effects, you don't need to know! UGH. Just let it work if you're doing good on it. I've read many success stories on here, I just wasn't one of them.

Trazadone is a tricyclic, protrityline, amitrytiline, vivactil, maprotiline, there are many others, but so far, those are the ones I've tried or heard of. My biggest success was with amtirip for 7 years. Trazadone is working for me, even at the upped dose, so I think after 8 months of searching, I've finally found one that will work without bad side effects.

I have an internet friend in Canada, she has to be checked up on when her meds go hay wire & it's a good thing, look at it that way, they are just trying to help you get to where you want to be!

I also read that other post by tess (?) can't remember her name, but I think you would be good for her, to post to her & help her realize she is not alone. I thought of you immediately.

I always check to see if you've posted, I'm glad to see you on meds again. Depression does horrible things to our minds, can take a good thing & make it look bad. On xmas last year I sat here with my whole family, 6 beautiful healthy g-kids & I had to FAKE it. I was so unhappy, the depression had me in the pits & with no meds working I had to FAKE being happy with the big family I have wanted my whole life. It is a horrible disease & I thank God everyday for meds. I probably would not still be here if it were not for meds. I honestly don't think I would have made it thru the last 8 years without meds.

So consider yourself being pampered, who wouldn't like that??? talk soon, lori j

enoch 05-19-2004 12:13 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
man apart - hear the feel about your dog - my last friend before this one was with me 11 years - a german shepherd - the best of the best - I had to hold him in my arms telling him it was okay as the vet put him down - lung tumors he was having trouble breathing and one day would just suffocate - well the rest of the story - when he was eight he was playing with a handball - those hard rubber ones and all of a sudden he was gagging an choking - yep the ball was lodged in his throat - I picked him and threw him down - no luck - I did the heimlock - no lock - reach in with my right hand he bit hard in panic I reached in with my left he bit hard - blood going down my arms now I am picking this 125lb dog up and shaking him like a ragdoll - upsided down on his side - what hell it must have been for him - we started in the living room o the house ended up in the basement - him sitting me praying - no fooling around prayer either - the prayer your saying when your best friend is dying and your going to see.. ya - his eyes were white and he fell out - over - dead - no movement in his chest - I opened his mouth and reached in and with my other hand pushed from the outside and out came the ball - remembered that dogs hearts beat faster then people so I started CPR pushing hard and fast - got to 18 and he took a breath... after awhile he sat up - kind of out of it = no brain damage - I told god that night when the time came for him to die I wouldn't complain - and I didn't - I paid ahead of time because I knew I wouldn't be able to find my wallet or talk once they did the deed - and I held him because thats whats friends do right.. --- got out of there and drove aways and then pulled over and lost it for awhile - but I didn't complain - god gave me my friend for three more years..

there will never be another one like him.. but one day I will say the same for the one I have now - if I outlive him.. lol - so heres the deal - when you get your own place maybe you could get another dog.. for me it made me accountable to something else - a reason I had to get out at times - someone to talk to - someone to play with =- someone to share the greater mysteries of the universe with.. yes I am saying someone not something.. they are their own personality ...

the bird? still out there -seen parents coming and checking on him - feeding him - I dug up some worms and put near him but I just freaked him out so I didn't linger..

you know sad things like dogs dying man apart - thats all part of life - your dog knew you loved him - and any guilt you feel over how it happened - your dog don't know nothing about that kind of feeling - he only knows you loved him.. - this guy jack van impe who has memorized 35000 bible verses - he says all the animals go to heaven - he's considered a leading scholar and authority on the bible - so mabye he knows something.. there are many people I do not care to see again - but animals - now they could travel with me forever more and I would never mind that at all..

take care friend.

Genabeena 05-19-2004 08:25 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Enoch, what an incredible story. I was on the edge of my seat. And so full of joy and sadness. Have you guys all read the book (or seen the movie) of Charlotte’s Web? One of my all-time favorite songs is from that movie. I wish I could sing it for you, because the melody is so beautiful, but I can paste the lyrics here:

Music: Richard & Robert Sherman
Lyrics: Richard & Robert Sherman

Mother Earth and Father Time
How very special are we
We're just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

He turns the seasons around
And so she changes her gown
But they always look in their prime
They go on dancing their dance
Of everlasting romance
Mother Earth and Father Time

The summer larks return to sing
Oh, what a gift they give
Then autumn days grow short and cold
Oh, what a joy to live

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

Lyrics Submitted by: Gabriella | Top

[QUOTE=Man Apart] I have alot to be upbeat about right now. I ...think. It would be counter-productive of me to not seize this moment and not build from it instead of continuing to live in the chains of misery im bound by. If I somehow fall short at this moment, I truly will have noone to blame but myself. Only time will tell. But I think I finally found that loophole. Because I fell in something. And it doesnt feel like yesterday.[/QUOTE]
Man Apart, I’d love to know the details of this, but I know you’ll tell us more when the time is right. I understand your reluctance to share about this more than you know. When I was trying to conceive my second child, I had a couple of early miscarriages. I would get a positive pregnancy test result, and then the joy would be so great, I just couldn’t hold it in, [I]just couldn’t[/I]. I would tell my family, and then a couple of weeks later, I’d have to explain that I’d lost it. I felt like, not only was I having to experience an emotional roller-coaster ride, but I was taking everyone else along with me. At the same time, I didn’t want to go through it all alone.

Baby Beanie needs a snack. Talk more later.


Man Apart 05-20-2004 07:13 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
This is not going to be good...............

Forget what I said about the loophole. Forget what I said about being upbeat, having hope, and all that other [email protected]#$. There is no god d*** hope. This is it. This is how it is and how its going to be. There is NO WAY OUT. This hole is too deep. And im just gonna stand in the middle of it, stick my middle finger up in the air and hope God can see it. Anyone want to help me write another infamous, "I understand" letter. Yeah I understand. I understand the world is full of [email protected]#$.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

Hahahaha Rod, over here, look, its me the devil on your left shoulder. You fool, you didnt really think somethig good would actually happen to you now did you?? Come on did you really expect something good would happen? How many times are you gonna keep feeding yourself that hope [email protected]#$ in a little can. Wait a minute, this is the funny part. You actually believed in yourself? HAHAHAHA!

Rod over here its me the angel on your right shoulder. Do not be discouraged, your time will come. be patience. Do not listen to those that would give you reason why you cannot succeed.

Oh what a bunch of bullcrap. Haven't you learned yet? Let me tell you a little secret. Come closer, closer. "god is a lie." I hate to burst your bubble there but thats the truth. Come on, time, what time?! God certainly gave you alot of time for suffering. HAHAHA! Come on, there is no time for you. There is for all those you envy, even the bad ones, but for you, no, no time. Come with me I will set you free.

"God loves you Rodric. He will always love you. He is always watching over you. Pray to him. Your blessing will come."

"Pray? Pray for what? Pray not to suffer? Why do you have to pray for that Rod? Come on tell me. Why do you have to pray for anything good in your life. Why is all the bad guaranteed? Hey dont blame me! I didnt create the world. I didnt put the apple in the garden. And guess what, im not the root of all evil. Hahahaha! You know why he kicked me out. You want to know why? Because. God hates. God envied. God lies. God is selfish. He does not want anyone to question his perfection. God only wants to be the perfect one. Noone else. Go ahead and pray. get on yoru knees and ask him. Go ahead and ask him. Ask that lil pr*ck on your right shoulder why? Ask him why!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!"

Crying...................What is happening to me. I have to get off this rollercoaster. Cos my stomach is turning like a slushy machine.

Yesterday... I could have sworn I was alive. I could have sworn I could feel again. Where did it go. Why did it leave so soon. Will it ever come back to me again. How could i be so foolish. To think it would have ever stayed with me, forever.

mouse62 05-20-2004 11:36 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I was writing a response to you Man Apart when I got a stupid phone call that once again something had gone wrong with a job my husband is on. Seems that you are stuck in a rut when it comes to romance and I am stuck when it comes to getting by financially.

well . . .
I can tell by your post above that something terrible happened today but am waiting for you to elaborate on it. One thing is that you wrote earlier that it's no big deal or something that you are sweet, humble, sensitive, etc. because what choice do you have as an ugly person? I just wanted to point out that some of the cockiest guys who walk and talk as if they are ALL THAT and who ridicule women who don't look like a Britney Spears are truly ugly: out of shape, overweight or underweight, bad skin due to neglect, smoking, tanning, etc, ugly local dialect due to laziness, or ignorance, etc. I just point this out that you are not just special by default. You are a wonderful writer and obviously have a lot of good things on the inside and this is not something just anyone has. I find it ironic that while it may be true that the ugly have a hard time, some of these men I know who are outwardly ugly do not think they are and they drive around in their loud fast cars and act obnoxious and wear the styles, the droopy pants hanging off the butt -- I guess they are so insensitive that nothing bothers them! Ignorance is bliss! well enough rambling. (also, I am not calling you ugly, but I am just going along with how you perceive yourself at the moment in order to make a point about physical unattractiveness and connection to personality/character)

I hope you post more on what happened to make you upset. . . .

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