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lori j 05-17-2004 09:54 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, if the lexapro doesn't work, ask them to try one of the older tricyclics on you. I remember that you react quite badly to the ssri's just like me..
The older tricyclics have fewer side effects & no withdrawal. Let us know how you are doing on it, also watch for signs of side effects. I didn't do well on lexapro at all, had every side effect.

The trazadone is working great for me, just was a matter of finding the right tricyclic after my old one, amitriptyline failed after 7 years. I had minimal side effects from amitrip, mostly excessive sweating, but with trazadone I'm having NO side effects so far, almost a month now! Yeah.

Oops, forgot to tell you, I've been to the chiro for my back twice now & I'm feeling much better, the burning in the sciatica is gone, what a relief.. :bouncing:

Man Apart 05-18-2004 01:53 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I need a life, like soon. Can anybody tell me like what is a nightlife? I think I want one of those. I want to go swimming one of these years, that looks pretty fun when I see it on tv. God why cant that be me. lol.

Hey Gena, do me a favor. Check out my post on Tesseracts thread, I mentioned you on there. Plus Tess is a interesting person. Shes attractive yet she thinks shes pathetic. ANyway Kill Bill one was great part two was awful. lol. Except for one really funny part during the fight scene between Uma and Daryl Hannah. I unfortunately was drinking a pepsi through a straw at the exact moment and I created a lot of brown polka dots on my shirt. Tarentino never really has a message. He is just trying his hardest to be as unique and unconventional as he possibly can. And you know, hes pretty d*mn good at it.

Lori what side effects did you have on Lexapro? Im happy to say I have no side effects unlike the Zoloft and Clonapin. Except maybe a lil difficulty sleeping. I took all sorts of SSRI, liek prozac and paxil and was fine. Just zoloft and clonapin almost did me in. Um, hmmm, whats a tricyclics? Name one.

I miss trazadone. =(. Darn you know I should have never tried to kill myself with the one pill that actually helped me the most. lol. You should have seen the expression on my doctors face when I mentioned going on trazadone again after I ingested a bottle of them back in october. lol. He was like, befuddled. lol. But im happy to hear its working for you. Ive very pleased to hear that. Im glad yoru back is doing better as well. I was very concerned. I um, im gonna just keep hoping this lexapro stuff will help. These MHC people are relentless though. They call my house 4 times a day checking up on me. Making sure im taking my medication and blah blah. They send someone by 3 times a week. I dont appreciate the way they involed my parents into my suicidal issues, my parents have enough issues i dont need them waking up in the middle of the night checking on me like im a baby. My dad is taking the locks off my doors and forcing me to read the bible and join him in a sunday session. My mom took all the old medication i had and painkillers and hid them. Its just getting ridiculous. I never asked for this. But i cant be all that upset, cos all I do is cry for help.

enoch 05-18-2004 09:58 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man apart - think I met you this morning in my back yard - yard over grown with grass needing mowing and wild things and baby trees - but me and bunnies and the squirrels and the birds like it just fine.. So this morning I let my pitbull out - it had rained and thundered all night - now my dog he barks at thunder - must think its his dad or something - any way I let him out and after awhile I noticed him looking in some bushes then looking back at me looking out the window at him - now I pay attention to him because one night a candle I had exploded in the other room and he barked - I am 75 percent deaf - didnt have my hearing aids in - and he barked and I heard that and got up to find my table and some speakers on fire.. Not given to getting panic in emergencies (only when nothing is happening like sitting on my couch) - I took my shirt off and put the fire out - not much damage - but if he hadn't of barked - well anyway hes looking at me and I say okay better go see what hes looking at- so I find my shoes and go out - and there you were - a little bird not able to fly yet- somehow blown out of his nest - hiding in these bushes because he cannot fly yet to get up high were birds are suppose to be.. and I though of you... don't know why. this little bird what to do? I looked around for his parents - sometimes they will be nearby and will feed babies on the ground unless scared or the baby is touched by human hands - well I didn't touch him - just looked at him and felt sad that he had been out there all night on the ground in the thunder and rain - and the bush aint that great a bush - hes safe from cats - they know about my dog - and my dog shows no interest in killing stuff despite all the bad publicity - he seemed as concerned as I was about the little fellow being in the bush- I will watch for parents to see if they are feeding him - if not I will bring him in and dig for worms - I have done this before - worms are safe - any other insect stay away from some can kill birds - older birds know what not to eat - baby birds will chug down anything - I have found this out the hard way - killing what I did not mean to kill through lack of knowledge.
anyway for now the baby bird has bunnies and other birds coming and going a pitbull for a guardian against the intrusion of cats.. being such a small thing I think he deserves a chance to make it through spring and find summer and wings..

you sound upbeat man apart - maybe that lexapro is like worms.. and you got a pitbull and maybe even some poodles loooking out for you on the cosmic level.. when you go swimming get the biggest yellow t shirt you can find so everyone for two miles around you can see you.. usually in this life the more attention we try to draw to ourselves the less we recieve - its some kind of univeral law of the infinite jest.. and I got lots of yellow and orange t shirts and moms are always telling their kids to get away from me..
which is nice when your in the kiddy pool where its nice to sit down and relax.

Man Apart 05-18-2004 12:25 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Hey enoch. Thanks. Your words never fails to inspire. Even when I fall. You have a pretty smart lil pitbull there. You can learn alot from animals. Ive probably felt more love and compassion from my dog than any other human being in this world outside of my parents. I still remember the first day I got him. He was a little puff of hair the size of a soda can. My fondest memory of him was when i used to run around in the backyard and he used to follow me no matter how far I was away, he would sprout up and down in the grass like a rabbit. And when he finally made it to me I would pick him up and rub my nose against his. His little tail would wag. Then Id run to the other side of the yard and do it all over again...... Oh man I think my eyes are watering... lol... I dont remember him ever snapping or growling at me. He was a happy dog. I spent many nights with him in my bed growing up. he was extremely smart. Whenever I got ready for bed, he knew, he would jump in before I layed down. Only he really knows the true agony I speak of growing up. He witnessed it first hand. Being up all night, afraid to see the sun rise, afraid to go to school. But seems like he was always there to lick my wounds and watch the moon at night. That was the amazing thing about him. If my head wasnt literally on that pillow, he wouldnt go to sleep, he would stay up with me all night and occasionally rest his head on the bed. He never grew any bigger than the size of a shoebox. So to me he was forever young.

Well, it was hard watching him in his last days. He couldnt control his bladder. He had arthritis in his back. He couldnt walk straight. he moved like a snail. My mom wanted to have him put to sleep. I didnt, and I think I regret that decision now. I wanted him to live out his life unless it got too bad and too painful for him. But he was ok, he slept alot, still loved being outside, and wasnt in alot of pain. I lost him on Super Bowl sunday coming back from a friends place after watching the game, turn up to my street, saw him right in the middle of the road........sigh................ I guess.. the chicken crossed the road one too many times. He didnt make it that time. Ill always blame myself. For forgetting to lock the gate, for not agreeing with my mother to have him put to sleep, for not walking him more. Just, not like this. Anything but this. Anything than to have my last memory of him crushed and soaked in his own blood.

I havent been on lexapro long enough for it to be feeding me happy worms. I am upbeat though. I have alot to be upbeat about right now. I ...think. It would be counter-productive of me to not seize this moment and not build from it instead of continuing to live in the chains of misery im bound by. If I somehow fall short at this moment, I truly will have noone to blame but myself. Only time will tell. But I think I finally found that loophole. Because I fell in something. And it doesnt feel like yesterday.

Genabeena 05-18-2004 01:13 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Personally, Rod, it gives me a certain sense of security to know that people are checking up on you. You need it. I don't mean that in an admonishing or condescending way. It's always hard to accept help, I do know how that feels. Just remember its temporary; only until you no longer need it. (Deep sigh.)

I just read through the thread by Tesseract you told me about. You were right. It’s uncanny. So I don’t have time to type much more here today, but I added a kind of long post to Tesseract’s thread, so you should check that out.


lori j 05-18-2004 11:11 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, if the lexapro is not causing you any side effects, then don't look for trouble. I am sensitive, to say the least, to all ssri's so I had all the side effects, you don't need to know! UGH. Just let it work if you're doing good on it. I've read many success stories on here, I just wasn't one of them.

Trazadone is a tricyclic, protrityline, amitrytiline, vivactil, maprotiline, there are many others, but so far, those are the ones I've tried or heard of. My biggest success was with amtirip for 7 years. Trazadone is working for me, even at the upped dose, so I think after 8 months of searching, I've finally found one that will work without bad side effects.

I have an internet friend in Canada, she has to be checked up on when her meds go hay wire & it's a good thing, look at it that way, they are just trying to help you get to where you want to be!

I also read that other post by tess (?) can't remember her name, but I think you would be good for her, to post to her & help her realize she is not alone. I thought of you immediately.

I always check to see if you've posted, I'm glad to see you on meds again. Depression does horrible things to our minds, can take a good thing & make it look bad. On xmas last year I sat here with my whole family, 6 beautiful healthy g-kids & I had to FAKE it. I was so unhappy, the depression had me in the pits & with no meds working I had to FAKE being happy with the big family I have wanted my whole life. It is a horrible disease & I thank God everyday for meds. I probably would not still be here if it were not for meds. I honestly don't think I would have made it thru the last 8 years without meds.

So consider yourself being pampered, who wouldn't like that??? talk soon, lori j

enoch 05-19-2004 12:13 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
man apart - hear the feel about your dog - my last friend before this one was with me 11 years - a german shepherd - the best of the best - I had to hold him in my arms telling him it was okay as the vet put him down - lung tumors he was having trouble breathing and one day would just suffocate - well the rest of the story - when he was eight he was playing with a handball - those hard rubber ones and all of a sudden he was gagging an choking - yep the ball was lodged in his throat - I picked him and threw him down - no luck - I did the heimlock - no lock - reach in with my right hand he bit hard in panic I reached in with my left he bit hard - blood going down my arms now I am picking this 125lb dog up and shaking him like a ragdoll - upsided down on his side - what hell it must have been for him - we started in the living room o the house ended up in the basement - him sitting me praying - no fooling around prayer either - the prayer your saying when your best friend is dying and your going to see.. ya - his eyes were white and he fell out - over - dead - no movement in his chest - I opened his mouth and reached in and with my other hand pushed from the outside and out came the ball - remembered that dogs hearts beat faster then people so I started CPR pushing hard and fast - got to 18 and he took a breath... after awhile he sat up - kind of out of it = no brain damage - I told god that night when the time came for him to die I wouldn't complain - and I didn't - I paid ahead of time because I knew I wouldn't be able to find my wallet or talk once they did the deed - and I held him because thats whats friends do right.. --- got out of there and drove aways and then pulled over and lost it for awhile - but I didn't complain - god gave me my friend for three more years..

there will never be another one like him.. but one day I will say the same for the one I have now - if I outlive him.. lol - so heres the deal - when you get your own place maybe you could get another dog.. for me it made me accountable to something else - a reason I had to get out at times - someone to talk to - someone to play with =- someone to share the greater mysteries of the universe with.. yes I am saying someone not something.. they are their own personality ...

the bird? still out there -seen parents coming and checking on him - feeding him - I dug up some worms and put near him but I just freaked him out so I didn't linger..

you know sad things like dogs dying man apart - thats all part of life - your dog knew you loved him - and any guilt you feel over how it happened - your dog don't know nothing about that kind of feeling - he only knows you loved him.. - this guy jack van impe who has memorized 35000 bible verses - he says all the animals go to heaven - he's considered a leading scholar and authority on the bible - so mabye he knows something.. there are many people I do not care to see again - but animals - now they could travel with me forever more and I would never mind that at all..

take care friend.

Genabeena 05-19-2004 08:25 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Enoch, what an incredible story. I was on the edge of my seat. And so full of joy and sadness. Have you guys all read the book (or seen the movie) of Charlotte’s Web? One of my all-time favorite songs is from that movie. I wish I could sing it for you, because the melody is so beautiful, but I can paste the lyrics here:

Music: Richard & Robert Sherman
Lyrics: Richard & Robert Sherman

Mother Earth and Father Time
How very special are we
We're just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

He turns the seasons around
And so she changes her gown
But they always look in their prime
They go on dancing their dance
Of everlasting romance
Mother Earth and Father Time

The summer larks return to sing
Oh, what a gift they give
Then autumn days grow short and cold
Oh, what a joy to live

How very special are we
For just a moment to be
Part of life's eternal rhyme
How very special are we
To have on our family tree
Mother Earth and Father Time

Lyrics Submitted by: Gabriella | Top

[QUOTE=Man Apart] I have alot to be upbeat about right now. I ...think. It would be counter-productive of me to not seize this moment and not build from it instead of continuing to live in the chains of misery im bound by. If I somehow fall short at this moment, I truly will have noone to blame but myself. Only time will tell. But I think I finally found that loophole. Because I fell in something. And it doesnt feel like yesterday.[/QUOTE]
Man Apart, I’d love to know the details of this, but I know you’ll tell us more when the time is right. I understand your reluctance to share about this more than you know. When I was trying to conceive my second child, I had a couple of early miscarriages. I would get a positive pregnancy test result, and then the joy would be so great, I just couldn’t hold it in, [I]just couldn’t[/I]. I would tell my family, and then a couple of weeks later, I’d have to explain that I’d lost it. I felt like, not only was I having to experience an emotional roller-coaster ride, but I was taking everyone else along with me. At the same time, I didn’t want to go through it all alone.

Baby Beanie needs a snack. Talk more later.


Man Apart 05-20-2004 07:13 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
This is not going to be good...............

Forget what I said about the loophole. Forget what I said about being upbeat, having hope, and all that other [email protected]#$. There is no god d*** hope. This is it. This is how it is and how its going to be. There is NO WAY OUT. This hole is too deep. And im just gonna stand in the middle of it, stick my middle finger up in the air and hope God can see it. Anyone want to help me write another infamous, "I understand" letter. Yeah I understand. I understand the world is full of [email protected]#$.

I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you, I hate you

Hahahaha Rod, over here, look, its me the devil on your left shoulder. You fool, you didnt really think somethig good would actually happen to you now did you?? Come on did you really expect something good would happen? How many times are you gonna keep feeding yourself that hope [email protected]#$ in a little can. Wait a minute, this is the funny part. You actually believed in yourself? HAHAHAHA!

Rod over here its me the angel on your right shoulder. Do not be discouraged, your time will come. be patience. Do not listen to those that would give you reason why you cannot succeed.

Oh what a bunch of bullcrap. Haven't you learned yet? Let me tell you a little secret. Come closer, closer. "god is a lie." I hate to burst your bubble there but thats the truth. Come on, time, what time?! God certainly gave you alot of time for suffering. HAHAHA! Come on, there is no time for you. There is for all those you envy, even the bad ones, but for you, no, no time. Come with me I will set you free.

"God loves you Rodric. He will always love you. He is always watching over you. Pray to him. Your blessing will come."

"Pray? Pray for what? Pray not to suffer? Why do you have to pray for that Rod? Come on tell me. Why do you have to pray for anything good in your life. Why is all the bad guaranteed? Hey dont blame me! I didnt create the world. I didnt put the apple in the garden. And guess what, im not the root of all evil. Hahahaha! You know why he kicked me out. You want to know why? Because. God hates. God envied. God lies. God is selfish. He does not want anyone to question his perfection. God only wants to be the perfect one. Noone else. Go ahead and pray. get on yoru knees and ask him. Go ahead and ask him. Ask that lil pr*ck on your right shoulder why? Ask him why!!!!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!"

Crying...................What is happening to me. I have to get off this rollercoaster. Cos my stomach is turning like a slushy machine.

Yesterday... I could have sworn I was alive. I could have sworn I could feel again. Where did it go. Why did it leave so soon. Will it ever come back to me again. How could i be so foolish. To think it would have ever stayed with me, forever.

mouse62 05-20-2004 11:36 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I was writing a response to you Man Apart when I got a stupid phone call that once again something had gone wrong with a job my husband is on. Seems that you are stuck in a rut when it comes to romance and I am stuck when it comes to getting by financially.

well . . .
I can tell by your post above that something terrible happened today but am waiting for you to elaborate on it. One thing is that you wrote earlier that it's no big deal or something that you are sweet, humble, sensitive, etc. because what choice do you have as an ugly person? I just wanted to point out that some of the cockiest guys who walk and talk as if they are ALL THAT and who ridicule women who don't look like a Britney Spears are truly ugly: out of shape, overweight or underweight, bad skin due to neglect, smoking, tanning, etc, ugly local dialect due to laziness, or ignorance, etc. I just point this out that you are not just special by default. You are a wonderful writer and obviously have a lot of good things on the inside and this is not something just anyone has. I find it ironic that while it may be true that the ugly have a hard time, some of these men I know who are outwardly ugly do not think they are and they drive around in their loud fast cars and act obnoxious and wear the styles, the droopy pants hanging off the butt -- I guess they are so insensitive that nothing bothers them! Ignorance is bliss! well enough rambling. (also, I am not calling you ugly, but I am just going along with how you perceive yourself at the moment in order to make a point about physical unattractiveness and connection to personality/character)

I hope you post more on what happened to make you upset. . . .

Man Apart 05-20-2004 12:28 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
im obviously having a bad day. a very cruel moment. i wouldnt necessarily say im stuck in a rut when it comes to romance. Im in a rut when it comes to life. Theres a extenuating reason why im home right now. The new job I had is no more. Lost it yesterday. But I actually didnt push the panic button. Because I still had "it." And then, true to form, "it" was taken away from me in the crueliest way I could imagine. If there is anything positive that can come of this is that, im glad I didnt put all my eggs in one basket, cos right now id have a soggy a*s basket full of crushed eggs and yolk. But it really doesnt matter. Ive conceeded. Because the harder I try the worst it gets.

I dont think I ever cried so much. Ive cried for many things in my life. Ive lost so many battles. Time and time again. I guess crying for love make more sense than anything ive ever cried for.

Just ignore me. Because all you see and read right now, is a little child acting out, venting and in pain.

Genabeena 05-20-2004 02:05 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Oh no, Rodric ([I]that's so cute, btw[/I]). I'm so sorry. (((big hug))).

What happened? You can tell us about it if you are comfortable to do so. Whatever it is I think you should just keep trying again and again and again- like the Terminator. Don't ever give up. Especially if it's about trying to find a mate. There are endless numbers of personality types and matching them up is a tricky business. Why else, do you think, there is so much divorce?

I'm dreadfully sorry about the job. You've gone through so much. To be honest, though, I never really felt that that job was the best situation for you. I think you should go to a college, maybe a community college, like WCC. You have so much good potential. You really really do.

BTW, I wanted to address this thing you wrote to Tesseract.
[QUOTE=Man Apart]My closest friend in the world is a member of this board name Genabeena and ill probably never get a chance to meet her or even see a picture of her ever. She definitely doesnt want to see a picture of me, so its good for her. Im quite unpleasant to the eyes. I never had a girlfriend, never had love, etc. But desperately trying to find a loop hole around being unattractive physically. [/QUOTE]
Don’t be so sure that we would never meet. The world is a pretty small place. And as for a picture, that would be pretty easy to do, although the idea of posting a picture of myself kind of makes me recoil in horror a little bit. I’ve actually given consideration to putting up a sort of “before and after the Healthboards” pic. It might be pretty cool to see the vast changes I’ve gone through since starting here.

[QUOTE=Man Apart]Just ignore me. [/QUOTE]

No such luck. Can’t.
Get better Rodric. Take care. Hugs.


Man Apart 05-20-2004 07:51 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
What happened, nothing happened. Thats the problem, nothing ever happens for me. Nothing can and ever will. My life is basically terminated. Why should I even fight anymore, for something that doesnt exist. What a charmed life beautiful people have. They are the only ones that can choose who to love, when to love, and how to love. They are always desired. They can have the most repulsive attitudes, yet their beauty overshadows all. They do not have to search for love. Love desperately searches for them.

There is a infinity amount of personality types. If personality was important to love, love would be breaking down my door to get to me. Personality is meaningless if you are ugly. Noone has eyes for me. It is difficult for the beautiful to be discreet. Why commit to one, when you can have all.

That job was the only situation for me. One of the few jobs I could hold working in public. All coming on the fringe of me saving to go see her. I was taking enoch up on his advice. Was gonna leave in august. Now I guess there is no need. Because angels do lie.

I am in so much pain right now mentally, im trying to supress it by putting myself in pain physically. I took a pair of wire pliers and just started clamping down on the area between my thumb and index finger. For some reason I really do understand why people cut themselves now. Although I wouldnt. Im not going to college, im not doing anything. Im just gonna rot in this room until all things become dark again. Life isnt worth it. Im certainly not worth anything to god.

I dont even want to get into what happened. Like I said, I wasnt throwing all my hope into this, so I really was more prepared to handle the dissapointment of it but it still hurts. I tried to be bold, I wanted to do something, I wanted to just try something, so I put a profile of me on myforeignbride. It is where I met her. I am so amazed by how naive I was to think that I would find someone there. Someone honest, genuine, unshallow, different. Someone would could contradict the laws of nature. I forgot this is still the web. Its so embarrassing. And pathetic. Despite being furious. She did save me from alot of days from depression. But none of those days could compare to how I feel now.

We are never going to meet. Meeting you would be a good thing. I think youve notice, good things do not happen for me. You are probably just as afraid of me. Afraid of the little ugly cockroach on the wall, who could not be more terrified by your fear. But I understand. And still I feel fortunate to say you are my friend. Dont worry, ill be fine. I just have to think, alot to think about. I mean, honestly, what is next? What option do I have now. I still have fight in me amazingly, I just do not know where to direct it.

enoch 05-20-2004 10:01 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
I smell a thinking error here.. the analogy of the cockroach - hes so terrified that the bug killing industry can make millions on his fear - he eats the delicious poison and runs back to his buddies - the source of all cockroaches within 20 feet - they come and lick the delicious poison off him - mass roach death..

one bad thought - one set back - you go running back to all the other thoughts - they feed on each other - till they are all on their back with little feet sticking up - little tiny voices - "I am a dying **** roach"

well man apart heres the deal - there are zillions of crap jobs to work at - zillions of jobs that are lame and drain - and if you keep yourself busy in getting jobs you will have many to choose from - in any given week - you don't have to shine or be liked - and they can terminate you anytime or drive you out the door but in the meantime you are still making some money - and still making your way out the door - if your a thrill seeker get a job as a taxi driver - man in motion yet apart - never know if someone will off you - even more thrilling and dangerous Quick Shop.. Sends a shudder down you don't it? I have done both - and they stunk - and I didn't last long in either - but I got money..

thinking error equals your comfort zone - get out of your comfort zone - and put the pliers down.. you know what cutting is - what self harm is? its wanting to feel something to prove to yourself your alive. hard to feel numb and dead when you body is hurting -- want to feel some pain - be constructive go get some tattoes on you back near the spine - or on your elbows - from personal experience I can tell you these are the most painful places for tattoos - anyplace there in no meat.. feels like someone scraping away with a scapal - but hey, they got this new fad coming - called branding - ya like kwai chang caine on the old kung fu show - they brand you with a shape of your own design.. for some reason the thought degrades me (the guy with the billboard on his back) I could never be a shaolin priest - but - hey man apart - I am just messing with you - look guy - you had a job and you lost it - or it lost you - but so what - the pros here are you got out and tried - ya you ended up with poopy in your diapers but it was nice while it was warm right? then it got cold- not so much fun then... the thing is you did it - I didn't do it - you did it..

imagine my surprise when in PS 139 in brooklyn new york - the kids who were bused in from harlem beat me up and flushed my welfare glasses down the toilet - well I quit school - fifth grade - I quit for three days until the truant officer made me go back -and after being beat up daily for about a week - it stopped - because I stopped running - and when hit and knocked down just got back up and stood there waiting to be knocked down again - until their hands hurts.

I ain't ever going to give up on you man apart - so forget thinking I ain't going to get back up and brush myself off then look around for you to help you back up too. because - and heres the kicker - the god you yell at - tells me to keep reaching for you --- and you know why? because of all the things you say to all of us - hes the one that feels you the most.. your right about god being jealous and prideful an having a lot of dubious stuff in his own good self - isaiah 45:7 tells you the story - but later jesus also says the kingdom is within - so you can chose any version of god you want to hold in your heart - thats freewill.. because he is all versions..
(sorry to all you others who think god is only love - sometimes as you all know love takes the form of hate - in our interpretations and our system of understanding - but remember too as I have said before - god is no respector of man - I sure ain't - but love and respect are not the same- from his end of the alpha and omega) sorry man apart a little brain fart there..

look you don't have any boot straps left to pull yourself up with = but slide into those bunny slippers and keep moving forward - dont do the the day after tomorrow curly shuffle - if you got one job you can get another - and another and as many as you need - because this system is based on crap jobs that destroy minds.. lol - paradox - can't talk about the value of work as being worth while - I don't believe that unless you feeding hungry kids or wiping the backside of old or retarded people - but work and the system provides money - and money porvides the trip you need to make - and that provides another version of what you can be to yourself in your own mind - and in that somewhere a new direction -

solomon basically said its better to be a live maggot than a dead king.
and of course we all present our conjecture to you - as a means towards pacifying our own death wishes - not death of person mind you - but death of pain and terror and loneliness and ego that lies to us tells us our thoughts are us and having to be here and eating this stale bread with tears running down our face.. and why isn't god rocking us on his shoulder? -------------------------------- maybe he is but we just don't know how to feel it..

man apart you write like many of us do to be seen - in some form - in some way - as validation that you are alive and living - I know I do - so no matter what flavor your tasting today or tomorrow - continue to let us see you.
in this manner all our thoughts together add to the new flavor found -
even if we have nothing else we at least have each others thoughts - even if they are all just clouds quickly passing through our landscapes. landscapes that would otherwise be barren in so many directions..

Man Apart 05-21-2004 12:05 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Enoch. If I didnt know better, I would think your some kind of angel of arbitration. You keep me honest. You speak my language. You never tell me what I want to hear. Just what I need to. Cryptically. I would love to play a game of chess with you. Just one game. Because you know the board well. You know my moves. There would be no winner or loser. Only a game of learning between a teacher and a student.

I am my own set back. I have yet to gather my full sense of maturity. As you can see I am embedded with immaturity. I unconsciously create chaos within myself. I remember that day I was tied to a gate and I pelted with rocks. The kids would just pick them up one after another. I still hear their laughter. I can each and every one of their faces. One thing I remembered is that, i never tried to escape. I just cried. And cried. And called for help. That gate could not keep me bound. But fear kept me there. I could have ran. I could have gotten free. Noone pulled me off that gate, not even the teacher. I came down on my own. After I got hit with every single rock. Much like how my life is now. There is nothing that bounds me on to this gate but fear. I get hit, and I cry. I squirm. I fuss, i pout, i bleed. I cry for help. I expect someone to save me. Im afraid to walk on my own. I want someone to love me. Im afraid to love myself.

This isnt about losing a job. Not even a slight bit. Like I said before, when I was told I was being layed off, I still had "it." I didnt get discouraged. I had strength. I picked up the paper, I started searching. Because I had "it." What is it? I had a reason to live. But my biggest mistake was placing that within someon else. Depending on it heavily like it was my religion. She said she loved me Enoch. I heard her voice on the phone in a static filled connection she said she loved me. Yeah of course that did something to me. It gave me the strength of 100 men. I could feel fear melting from within me. Suddenly I didnt look so bad in the mirror. Suddenly I enjoyed taking a shower. My nightmares went away. Suddenly I could feel the sun on my face and enjoy the fresh air outside. Its funny what words can do to you. What the voice of a woman can do when you carry it in your mind every minute of the day. How just a ounce of love can destroy a gallon of hate.

I want to hate her so bad. But I cant. She gave me exactly what I begged for and cried for so long. I cannot imagine what it would have been like getting off that plane, seeing her with my naked eyes, touching her skin. Although it was a lie I lived for sucha short moment. Her lie was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. I guess its not so bad to be deceived by a angel. Not to make anyone think she was this goddess. Even she reminded me how ordinary she was. She was not the prettiest, she would tell me. But in my eyes, I saw nothing ordinary. Her voice was sweeter than a strawberry field. Her eyes were big. behind them, i thought I could see her soul. I literally lived to see her smile.

I put away the pliers away. Didnt really work the way I planned. And I play video games alot so I dont want to hinder myself in that aspect. lol. I had to remind myself I have a very low threshold for physical pain. I take back what I said, I still really do not know how people can cut themselves.

Why am I not in my bed crying and squirming in pain. Is this some kind of epiphany. I dont know. All I know is if this was any other night I would be thinking of ways to die. Instead, im thinking of ways to live.

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