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-   -   From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares. (https://www.healthboards.com/boards/depression/172585-man-apart-geena-anyone-else-who-cares.html)

Man Apart 05-20-2004 12:28 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
im obviously having a bad day. a very cruel moment. i wouldnt necessarily say im stuck in a rut when it comes to romance. Im in a rut when it comes to life. Theres a extenuating reason why im home right now. The new job I had is no more. Lost it yesterday. But I actually didnt push the panic button. Because I still had "it." And then, true to form, "it" was taken away from me in the crueliest way I could imagine. If there is anything positive that can come of this is that, im glad I didnt put all my eggs in one basket, cos right now id have a soggy a*s basket full of crushed eggs and yolk. But it really doesnt matter. Ive conceeded. Because the harder I try the worst it gets.

I dont think I ever cried so much. Ive cried for many things in my life. Ive lost so many battles. Time and time again. I guess crying for love make more sense than anything ive ever cried for.

Just ignore me. Because all you see and read right now, is a little child acting out, venting and in pain.

Genabeena 05-20-2004 02:05 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Oh no, Rodric ([I]that's so cute, btw[/I]). I'm so sorry. (((big hug))).

What happened? You can tell us about it if you are comfortable to do so. Whatever it is I think you should just keep trying again and again and again- like the Terminator. Don't ever give up. Especially if it's about trying to find a mate. There are endless numbers of personality types and matching them up is a tricky business. Why else, do you think, there is so much divorce?

I'm dreadfully sorry about the job. You've gone through so much. To be honest, though, I never really felt that that job was the best situation for you. I think you should go to a college, maybe a community college, like WCC. You have so much good potential. You really really do.

BTW, I wanted to address this thing you wrote to Tesseract.
[QUOTE=Man Apart]My closest friend in the world is a member of this board name Genabeena and ill probably never get a chance to meet her or even see a picture of her ever. She definitely doesnt want to see a picture of me, so its good for her. Im quite unpleasant to the eyes. I never had a girlfriend, never had love, etc. But desperately trying to find a loop hole around being unattractive physically. [/QUOTE]
Don’t be so sure that we would never meet. The world is a pretty small place. And as for a picture, that would be pretty easy to do, although the idea of posting a picture of myself kind of makes me recoil in horror a little bit. I’ve actually given consideration to putting up a sort of “before and after the Healthboards” pic. It might be pretty cool to see the vast changes I’ve gone through since starting here.

[QUOTE=Man Apart]Just ignore me. [/QUOTE]

No such luck. Can’t.
Get better Rodric. Take care. Hugs.

******

Man Apart 05-20-2004 07:51 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
What happened, nothing happened. Thats the problem, nothing ever happens for me. Nothing can and ever will. My life is basically terminated. Why should I even fight anymore, for something that doesnt exist. What a charmed life beautiful people have. They are the only ones that can choose who to love, when to love, and how to love. They are always desired. They can have the most repulsive attitudes, yet their beauty overshadows all. They do not have to search for love. Love desperately searches for them.

There is a infinity amount of personality types. If personality was important to love, love would be breaking down my door to get to me. Personality is meaningless if you are ugly. Noone has eyes for me. It is difficult for the beautiful to be discreet. Why commit to one, when you can have all.

That job was the only situation for me. One of the few jobs I could hold working in public. All coming on the fringe of me saving to go see her. I was taking enoch up on his advice. Was gonna leave in august. Now I guess there is no need. Because angels do lie.

I am in so much pain right now mentally, im trying to supress it by putting myself in pain physically. I took a pair of wire pliers and just started clamping down on the area between my thumb and index finger. For some reason I really do understand why people cut themselves now. Although I wouldnt. Im not going to college, im not doing anything. Im just gonna rot in this room until all things become dark again. Life isnt worth it. Im certainly not worth anything to god.

I dont even want to get into what happened. Like I said, I wasnt throwing all my hope into this, so I really was more prepared to handle the dissapointment of it but it still hurts. I tried to be bold, I wanted to do something, I wanted to just try something, so I put a profile of me on myforeignbride. It is where I met her. I am so amazed by how naive I was to think that I would find someone there. Someone honest, genuine, unshallow, different. Someone would could contradict the laws of nature. I forgot this is still the web. Its so embarrassing. And pathetic. Despite being furious. She did save me from alot of days from depression. But none of those days could compare to how I feel now.

We are never going to meet. Meeting you would be a good thing. I think youve notice, good things do not happen for me. You are probably just as afraid of me. Afraid of the little ugly cockroach on the wall, who could not be more terrified by your fear. But I understand. And still I feel fortunate to say you are my friend. Dont worry, ill be fine. I just have to think, alot to think about. I mean, honestly, what is next? What option do I have now. I still have fight in me amazingly, I just do not know where to direct it.

enoch 05-20-2004 10:01 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I smell a thinking error here.. the analogy of the cockroach - hes so terrified that the bug killing industry can make millions on his fear - he eats the delicious poison and runs back to his buddies - the source of all cockroaches within 20 feet - they come and lick the delicious poison off him - mass roach death..

one bad thought - one set back - you go running back to all the other thoughts - they feed on each other - till they are all on their back with little feet sticking up - little tiny voices - "I am a dying **** roach"

well man apart heres the deal - there are zillions of crap jobs to work at - zillions of jobs that are lame and drain - and if you keep yourself busy in getting jobs you will have many to choose from - in any given week - you don't have to shine or be liked - and they can terminate you anytime or drive you out the door but in the meantime you are still making some money - and still making your way out the door - if your a thrill seeker get a job as a taxi driver - man in motion yet apart - never know if someone will off you - even more thrilling and dangerous Quick Shop.. Sends a shudder down you don't it? I have done both - and they stunk - and I didn't last long in either - but I got money..

thinking error equals your comfort zone - get out of your comfort zone - and put the pliers down.. you know what cutting is - what self harm is? its wanting to feel something to prove to yourself your alive. hard to feel numb and dead when you body is hurting -- want to feel some pain - be constructive go get some tattoes on you back near the spine - or on your elbows - from personal experience I can tell you these are the most painful places for tattoos - anyplace there in no meat.. feels like someone scraping away with a scapal - but hey, they got this new fad coming - called branding - ya like kwai chang caine on the old kung fu show - they brand you with a shape of your own design.. for some reason the thought degrades me (the guy with the billboard on his back) I could never be a shaolin priest - but - hey man apart - I am just messing with you - look guy - you had a job and you lost it - or it lost you - but so what - the pros here are you got out and tried - ya you ended up with poopy in your diapers but it was nice while it was warm right? then it got cold- not so much fun then... the thing is you did it - I didn't do it - you did it..

imagine my surprise when in PS 139 in brooklyn new york - the kids who were bused in from harlem beat me up and flushed my welfare glasses down the toilet - well I quit school - fifth grade - I quit for three days until the truant officer made me go back -and after being beat up daily for about a week - it stopped - because I stopped running - and when hit and knocked down just got back up and stood there waiting to be knocked down again - until their hands hurts.

I ain't ever going to give up on you man apart - so forget thinking I ain't going to get back up and brush myself off then look around for you to help you back up too. because - and heres the kicker - the god you yell at - tells me to keep reaching for you --- and you know why? because of all the things you say to all of us - hes the one that feels you the most.. your right about god being jealous and prideful an having a lot of dubious stuff in his own good self - isaiah 45:7 tells you the story - but later jesus also says the kingdom is within - so you can chose any version of god you want to hold in your heart - thats freewill.. because he is all versions..
(sorry to all you others who think god is only love - sometimes as you all know love takes the form of hate - in our interpretations and our system of understanding - but remember too as I have said before - god is no respector of man - I sure ain't - but love and respect are not the same- from his end of the alpha and omega) sorry man apart a little brain fart there..

look you don't have any boot straps left to pull yourself up with = but slide into those bunny slippers and keep moving forward - dont do the the day after tomorrow curly shuffle - if you got one job you can get another - and another and as many as you need - because this system is based on crap jobs that destroy minds.. lol - paradox - can't talk about the value of work as being worth while - I don't believe that unless you feeding hungry kids or wiping the backside of old or retarded people - but work and the system provides money - and money porvides the trip you need to make - and that provides another version of what you can be to yourself in your own mind - and in that somewhere a new direction -

solomon basically said its better to be a live maggot than a dead king.
and of course we all present our conjecture to you - as a means towards pacifying our own death wishes - not death of person mind you - but death of pain and terror and loneliness and ego that lies to us tells us our thoughts are us and having to be here and eating this stale bread with tears running down our face.. and why isn't god rocking us on his shoulder? -------------------------------- maybe he is but we just don't know how to feel it..

man apart you write like many of us do to be seen - in some form - in some way - as validation that you are alive and living - I know I do - so no matter what flavor your tasting today or tomorrow - continue to let us see you.
in this manner all our thoughts together add to the new flavor found -
even if we have nothing else we at least have each others thoughts - even if they are all just clouds quickly passing through our landscapes. landscapes that would otherwise be barren in so many directions..

Man Apart 05-21-2004 12:05 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Enoch. If I didnt know better, I would think your some kind of angel of arbitration. You keep me honest. You speak my language. You never tell me what I want to hear. Just what I need to. Cryptically. I would love to play a game of chess with you. Just one game. Because you know the board well. You know my moves. There would be no winner or loser. Only a game of learning between a teacher and a student.

I am my own set back. I have yet to gather my full sense of maturity. As you can see I am embedded with immaturity. I unconsciously create chaos within myself. I remember that day I was tied to a gate and I pelted with rocks. The kids would just pick them up one after another. I still hear their laughter. I can each and every one of their faces. One thing I remembered is that, i never tried to escape. I just cried. And cried. And called for help. That gate could not keep me bound. But fear kept me there. I could have ran. I could have gotten free. Noone pulled me off that gate, not even the teacher. I came down on my own. After I got hit with every single rock. Much like how my life is now. There is nothing that bounds me on to this gate but fear. I get hit, and I cry. I squirm. I fuss, i pout, i bleed. I cry for help. I expect someone to save me. Im afraid to walk on my own. I want someone to love me. Im afraid to love myself.

This isnt about losing a job. Not even a slight bit. Like I said before, when I was told I was being layed off, I still had "it." I didnt get discouraged. I had strength. I picked up the paper, I started searching. Because I had "it." What is it? I had a reason to live. But my biggest mistake was placing that within someon else. Depending on it heavily like it was my religion. She said she loved me Enoch. I heard her voice on the phone in a static filled connection she said she loved me. Yeah of course that did something to me. It gave me the strength of 100 men. I could feel fear melting from within me. Suddenly I didnt look so bad in the mirror. Suddenly I enjoyed taking a shower. My nightmares went away. Suddenly I could feel the sun on my face and enjoy the fresh air outside. Its funny what words can do to you. What the voice of a woman can do when you carry it in your mind every minute of the day. How just a ounce of love can destroy a gallon of hate.

I want to hate her so bad. But I cant. She gave me exactly what I begged for and cried for so long. I cannot imagine what it would have been like getting off that plane, seeing her with my naked eyes, touching her skin. Although it was a lie I lived for sucha short moment. Her lie was the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me. I guess its not so bad to be deceived by a angel. Not to make anyone think she was this goddess. Even she reminded me how ordinary she was. She was not the prettiest, she would tell me. But in my eyes, I saw nothing ordinary. Her voice was sweeter than a strawberry field. Her eyes were big. behind them, i thought I could see her soul. I literally lived to see her smile.

I put away the pliers away. Didnt really work the way I planned. And I play video games alot so I dont want to hinder myself in that aspect. lol. I had to remind myself I have a very low threshold for physical pain. I take back what I said, I still really do not know how people can cut themselves.

Why am I not in my bed crying and squirming in pain. Is this some kind of epiphany. I dont know. All I know is if this was any other night I would be thinking of ways to die. Instead, im thinking of ways to live.

Tesseract 05-21-2004 12:25 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Hey Man-those unknowable forces really battered on your psyche today-I got a mental beating from them too when I woke up today-I took a pill to bring back unconsciousness. That terrible, terrible, unsufferable mental pain-like a knife in the psyche-my first thought is always "I am so $%#^ing sick of this". I've always wondered why adults tell us, when we're children, that "you can do/be anything you want" when it's such a crock-when the fall is so far down when you grow up and find it aint so...why not just say "life is unfair and life can really suck sometimes and for an unfortunate some it can suck all the time and you can surrender to the powers that be or you can check out and either way noone and nothing is going to help you". I'm so sorry to hear about the job-and the friend/family member you're grieving. I know there's nothing I can say that will make you feel better except to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

There are so many similarities in our situations including my sharing the painful problems with getting attracted to people only I seem to invariably get attracted to men that I can't have even tho I don't believe I am seeking what I can't have because it's safe: I've been so in "love" with a professor, a shrink and a mental health worker-obsessed for years even-with a situation I know is doomed and unrequited. I've tried the personals before-a couple of thimes thru the years-and all anyone was interested in was sex-and sex right away-even after I stated many times that such was not what I was looking for and having them assure me that we could just be friends. I once had a friend who was drop-dead gorgeous-movie star/model looks-so glamorous and going out with her was not a good experience for my self-esteem cause I have never played or dressed or made myself up in the social part that the meat markets she dragged me to demanded-next to her I was plain jane-I always thought we were very mismatched and incongruous but we were both desperate for company and going out with her really affected my conceptions of humanity in general and men in particular: men would just drool over her and would literally not even respond to me if I tried to get a word in edgewise while she and I were supposedly together talking to them. They would have conversations about a topic that she was clueless about but I was really into; that I could've given really good conversation about but did they want to hear it?-no I wasn't the one they wanted to take home so I didn't even exist except as an annoyance or barrier in the way of getting my friend alone and this "friend" was as vapid and insensitive and mentally as unattractive as they come (we were friends out of mutual desperation: I didn't have any friends and she could only attract men that would stay around long enough to try hitting on her a few times then they were gone too because she was a very insensitive-at times downright mean-person-to me too but I just saw putting up with that-as well as having to go places and do things I didn't really want to as the price I paid for getting out of the house and being able to participate in the fun things we did). In her own way she was as miserable and lonely as I was and she was the most attractive person I have ever been in the physical presence of...I wouldn't want to be her...trust me when I say you're imagining greener grass with the attractiveness issue (and that "greener grass is over the septic tank").

Man I know you won't hear it and it won't change anything but you've got good qualities and luck can turn. I've mused that my luck has been so bad that, if there is anything to a law of averages, I should be in for something major in the good luck department-like winning the lottery-and I guess that's part of what makes me continue to endure the suffering. Sometimes I tell myself to just try to forget who I am: that it's someone else's life that I'm just observing: some nightmare that I"ll wake up from soon. We can always leave-someday we all will whether we want to or not-if we choose to leave we'll never know if things might have changed (tho my problem being older is feeling like I'd like to leave it like that rather than confirming that nothing ever did get better)-it's all quick enough and yet it's all we have: the trivial contained in the profound and vice-versa: the absurd. Sometimes I can get into states wherein I'll just contemplate this and I'll just get bowled over laughing about the absurdity of it all (tho that hasn't happened for some time).

You've got some people around you-an aura of caring-I would love to have had my (former) mental health agency care about me to the extent that yours seems to about you: if I'd told them I wanted to kill myself they'd probably had given me tips on how to do it like the shrink who used to tell me to cut into the veins on my foot (so noone would see then I find out the foot is the worst place to go into not that I ever would of: even the thought of doing so gives me the willies) or who wrinkled his nose and looked down and couldn't even be bothered to look at me as he held his arm outstretched behind his back with the scrips in it for the next month or two after I'd just told him I felt like blowing my brains out; who told me to get a dictophone to talk into instead of keeping a journal online for others to see; who told me to buy a housebuilding kit when I told him how badly I needed to get out of this house and the environment here...I could go on.... I would love it if my brother asked me about my problems instead of having blown me off overnight after using me for 10 years because he suddenly had no more use for me (and I could sure listen to and help with his problems but he only ever acted annoyed by mine).

I know what you're feeling: I know how bad it is: I know how hard it is to hang on when there's nothing to hang onto. Stick around and take the numb times when you can get them for awhile-you can always check out-let that be the [comfort that gets you thru the dark hours]...for now.

Man Apart 05-21-2004 06:29 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I spoke way too soon about feeling i want to live. The numbness fell as soon as I woke up. All I can say is oh my god. When I woke up immediately I knew. I tried to close my eyes as tight as I could to go back to sleep, but it wasnt happening. It will be a tremendous accomplishment if I can survive this day.

Oh...... Oh... man. I made a mistake. *crying* I made a really big mistake. I shouldnt have did this. But she shouldnt have said what she said. But I shouldnt have believed it yet, but, I don tknow. I dont know I don tknow. I fell inlove with someone i never even met. And now I cant fall out. I am aching for her as if I was married to her for years. God, you know what. I swear I mean this deep down. I wish I was a insensitive, cruel, uncaring son of a [email protected]#$%. I evny the heartless because their hearts are made of stone and cant be broken. In order for me to survive, I need that kind of heart. Because this glass heart I wear on my sleeve shattered too easily. I have to stop this. I have to stop caring so much and being so sensitive. I have to stop beleving in love. Yes love is beautiful, but it never will be for me. I will always reap only the bad love offers. Just like anything in my life. I only experience the bad. Why couldnt I be one of those sex hungry, women are a piece of meat, young, dumb, having fun, drunk club types. Cos being sweet and deep and poetic doesnt seem to work. But its not like i do it just to be smooth. I was not lying when I told her she made my heart throb every second I thought of her. I was not being deceptive when I told her I felt cupid shot me a thousand times. I was not just trying to impress her when I said I could see heaven in her eyes. And God she has such beautiful eyes. There is no wonders of the world that could compare. I lost myself gazing into them. How can someone fall inlove with the simple stare of a woman.

Ok... Im sorry, i took a hard left on pathetic avenue. I think even the most deepest lovey dovey poet would laugh at me. Um, Tesseract, I wish I could be alone in suffering. Because I would never wish how I feel and how i must live on someone else. I would suffer less if so many didnt have to suffer with me. Well.... the really good, genuine people. I must exclude the ones I envy. The only comfort I ever had was the comfort of knowing I can leave at my own free will. That comfort has turned into a burning, irreconcilable desire. You have no idea how hard it is for me not to give in when I have every right to. I want so badly to go back home.

mouse62 05-21-2004 07:54 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I think this qualifies as a psychiatric emergency. The times I became most grief stricken were during break-ups. I've been spared that for more than 8 years now so I forget sometimes how I would call suicide hotlines for help when I thought I was losing my mind.

I hope that you are being checked up on today, Man Apart, and that you take your meds. The meds won't actually solve anything but Time will help decrease the pain and the meds will help keep you alive for more Time, and if you just hang on for awhile I'll bet one day you will be back to your usual unhappy but coping self, as opposed to in the terrible emotional anguish you feel now.

Also I know that the infatuation based on fantasy and the initial excitement of a relationship ( and a few months is still young) is really such an intense experience that it is harder to deal with disappointment then that at any other time, at least for me it was, so I understand how you could feel so terrible even though you say it was a limited relationship. All I can say is choose to stick around and deal with life. That's what I hope you do.

You know the guy that wrote "A Confederacy of Dunces" killed himself because he couldn't get the book published? John Kennedy Toole. His mother took the manuscript after his death and continued on trying to get it published. It finally was and is considered absolutely fabulous. I can vouch for it, I was laughing out loud in public as I read it. Well the author killed himself before his success. I really don't think he should have. Maybe he is sitting in some other sphere and knows he was a success, but I don't think so. I think when you kill yourself in misery you stay miserable. A horrible thought. I hope you stick around and deal with life, through writing and/or any other way you can.

enoch 05-21-2004 09:06 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
man apart



InterFaeces et urinam nascimur

Saint augustine on hippo 354 -430

translated - between feces and urine are we born.

augustine considered our beginnings in the world - the means by which we arrive here (think female anatomy) as a good indication of what this place was about.

I think in my own mind the majority of transitional problems in living here are because we are handed lies and brainwashed from an early age to tow the line - regarding being small and staying small and being part of the insanity all around us..


the way of love are strange
as those who have followed them
well know
for, unexpectedly
she withdraws her consolation
he whom love touches
can enjoy no stability
and he will taste
many a nameless hour.

saint hildegard of bingen 1098 - 1179 she wrote this about her own feelings of being ln love with god.




married and divorced 4 times here - my only question - where is my next ex-wife at this moment? man apart sorry to rain on your trench but the best love in life can be found where ever hallmark cards are found - the rest of it is just illusion of ego - the empty lies of a society that does not really understand love - a place - a reality where you can go to a book store and spend less than ten bucks and by a self help book by someone who has the diploma's witht the money aroma's - and this book tells us what love is - you have watched too many romantic comedies - your trying to bend the spoon with your mind neo - you can find love - but its not going to do your bidding -
and sensitivity does not make women run from you- but neediness does everytime. unless they want to use you.. because if you give yourself to someone completely its quite a powertrip for them. free lance away from hallmark - I myself would have loved to have lived in the annie hall movie forever - but not in the cards. man apart - if you make it through and find the things past this place in time - women are going to teach you way more than you ever wanted to know- now that could be heaven but mostly it could be hell. and I will tell you why - in the last hundred years look what technology has done - you can go to school for any of that - technology - love however did not keep up - and not knowing what to do we turned it into an object - if we can sit at a computer and figure it out with our minds we should be able to do the same with love - but wrong - technology is about objects and our control of them - love is not an object thus there is no control - and we don't like that - the reason marriages fail is because everyone wants it to preform like an object and meet our needs - what we need. what we need need need me me me - its disgusting. I see all the mistakes I made in marriage -but it dont change nothing because if done over I would still have expectations - they say don't have expectations in those 10 dollar books - I say those are stupid books that stink of self rightous words trying to sound all slick and groovy - when they are just more lies from the insanity zone. most long term marriages are not based on any sense of pure good god love - they are based on dysfunctions in people that match up well - I doubt very much many have any idea of what a soulmate actually is.
I have loved well and I have love many - and to spend eternity with any of them would drive me up the wall.. when you cry and have grief over a past love - your not crying about the actual things your crying about the illusion of it you created in your mind.. you version of it.. its true enough those in a boat in the ocean dying from thirst will often drink sea water although this kills them off much more quickly - but for a while they have an illusion that they are drinking water... you are so starved for a taste of love something little becomes everything - I am sorry for you there - because you do not see that if you found a bit of love for moment this means you could find it all over if your brain would stop screaming out in pain. at this point in time you are lost in hopeless romantic delusions - but you have such a tight grip on it - your heart is bloodless.

dante wrote a poem - quite long about a woman named beatrice - someone he saw in a crowd for a moment - then she was gone - and he loved her for the rest of his life - but it was a poem and maybe he didn't get out much - and the guy also puts judas in the very center of hell in his most famous book - so you know what did he really know? lol.

its okay to have illusions for grand wonderful life changing love - but try to stay balanced - they think john merrick the elephant man died because he was hanging out with women and he wanted to be normal so he went to sleep laying down instead of sitting up like he always did and this caused him to stop breathing in his sleep - who knows what he was thinking - the need to be normal accepted - your need to identify with him - you know michael j tried to buy merricks bones once - this was before michael went insane.. or maybe he was just starting to go insane then..

man apart - love is a good investment - it makes us more human when done right - but you can not control it - or outcomes - I miss love with my heart too - and no matter how many times I fail I will seek again and again until I can seek no more - because it does feel very nice when it is there - you are not wrong in anyway in wanting it or seeking it - but when it is not there for you - the best thing to do is hand it out to others from yourself - tess wrote you - you - she reached out because you two are so simliar - even in her own pain she was giving love to you - did you see that? maybe not go out on a date and hold hands -but in our own ways we give you more real things than you will ever find in hug with juicy lucy.. (sorry flashback to my second wife).. lol ( who turned into I love loosly) right before my very eyes as she rode off into the sunset with Biff - the soon to be wife beater - and justice for all!

Man Apart 05-22-2004 08:43 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Enoch. It is very counter-productive to my mental health for you desecrate what i believe love is. Actually it isnt, because I cannot feel any other way. You can mock the way I view love. You can try to reduce my feelings toward the starvation I have for it. But it will be ill-advised. Maybe you have the heart I envy. Not too warm, not too cold. Love is different things to different people. So is hate. Depends on how you serve it, warm, or cold.

Let me tell you something. If hate can [email protected]#$ of my life like this, then I may as well give love a try. I dont know which is deeper. How far in the sky can love go. How deep in the ground can hate be. Hate definitely did my bidding to this point. Interesting that you would think my idea of love is fairy tale-like, coming from a man who believes in a a enternal lake of fire and that we are all souls in bodied form and have purpose. I dont believe in fairy tales, much like I dont believe in God.

All a women could give me at this point is heaven. There isnt a woman that can show me any much more of hell than ive been through. Granted, yesterday was a new kind of pain I never felt. But its all the same. Maybe lasted a lil longer and the knife went a lil deeper in my heart, but its the same old anxiety, same depression, same suicidal thoughts, same self mutilation, same anguish, same pain, same old same old, just a different source.

I guess you would ask this young 25 year old punk fool, what do I know about love and why would I be different. Theres nothing i can do to convince anyone. Cos I dont have that big of a resume when it comes to love. But the little teaspoon she gave me made me think twice about life being so bad. I dont believe in soulmates. Much like I dont believe in souls. But for the right reasons love can be set in stone between two people. Of course there is a line between love and hate. Unfortunately some people have that line if the form of tolerance. When the ship gets a little to rocky you wanna break out the life savers and abandon ship. You know, i dont think someone with a sound heart would wake up today and say to themselves, i love my daughter a little less today because she disobeyed me or she smoked marjuana or she got drunk off her a*s. Or say I think im falling out of love with my mom. I want to divorce my parents, just cos I see them everyday and its jus all getting to old. I want new love from new parents. Hey, I still admire my mothers eyes, I still love to hear my dads raspy laugh. Ive experienced it with them a billion times, it never gets old. I dont believe two people have to have the same blood types to be just as devoted. It just all depends on the persons. Yeha there will be days you wake up and dont want to be around that person. Much like every single family and friend I ever had. But i dont love them any more or less on those days than the days they sing happy birthday to me and watch me blow out the candles. Like i said before. I envy the good and the bad. The only reason why we appreciate the good in life, is cos of the bad.

Your right, im starving. Moreso than perhaps anyone alive. Id rather take my chances with the sea water, than to sit here and agony of thirst for the rest of my life. Either wya im going to die. But at least I gave myself a chance, to live. Yeah your right, something small becomes everything. That usually is the case when life humbles you. Cos the little things start to matter a little more. You tend to appreciate the little bread crumbs you use to throw in your yard for the birds to eat. Now it becomes your supper.

Gods love is a illusion. Mine isnt. Hers wasnt. She just, let her as you would say "ego" get in the way. I could hear her voice. I could feel her sadness from deceiving me. You only react to what your lead to believe. Of course love changes your life. 90% of every poem or every music song ever wrote about love. Cos it changes you. If your a human being, yeah its gonna change you. Doesnt mean im gonna start runnging around like Don Juan Demarco. Im still the elephant man.

I feel love here. Its about as real as it can be through a keyboard. You guys extend my life. Make my days a lil shorter. Its kinda sad at times cos ill never meet any of you. Itll end bad, nothing last forever. I love each one of you. Like right now, I miss the hell out of Gena. I hope she didnt go on that site and find that picture of me and pass out for the last 2 days. That would be quite unfortunate. But I worry, I miss, and I love her. But of course, its different type of love. Friendship. And I definitely adore it. But, Forgive me if I cant accept going through life without experiencing anything less than hearing someone tell me they love me while carrying my child inside their body.

MermaidMer 05-22-2004 09:28 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
man apart, i don't know what to say to you to make you feel better. i don't want to be one of those people who only tells you what you want to hear, but if i tried to think of the words that you [I]need [/I] to hear, i am not able to do it.

i agree that love is something that is hard to find. and when you finally think you have found it with someone, it all turns out to be an illusion. you love someone with all of your heart, so much that it hurts. but it hurts even more when that person doesn't love you back, or just flat out stops loving you for no reason. the heart aches more when it has been broken, even moreso than when it aches with the longing and desire of love.

i envy your honesty, your purity, your innocence. sometimes it is better to have not experienced love, because once you have love and then lose it, it is the worst pain in the world, even more painful than not having love at all. i wish i could go back to a time when i didn't know what love was like, because then i wouldn't be going through this hell. he wouldn't have drove me to see a counselor, and then a psychiatrist, to be put on meds and constantly have the dose increased (i'm at 150mg/day of zoloft, up from 50, then 100mg/day). if i hadn't gone through the pain of losing my first love, i would still be able to eat, and sleep through the night, and i wouldn't have dropped a class and done poorly in my other classes, and have to take a summer class, and i wouldn't have gone to the emergency room and given even more medications. i wouldn't be scared out of my mind.

sorry to go on like this, i know this is probably the last thing you need to hear right now because you are longing for love so much. but i just had to get this off my chest. because love isn't always so beautiful and heavenly as you would like to think it is. i wish i could be one of those people who finds love on the first try, and then i wouldn't be feeling this heartache. i wish i could have found that one person who shares my heart, who i am destined to be with forever. my mom rented the movie "love actually" last night (against my will, i wanted to watch kill bill again) and it just tore me up inside. it was all cutesy and everyone had that happy ending where they finally get to be with the person they have loved for the whole movie, and it's just so sappy and cheesy and vomit. don't watch it if you're suffering from heartache, you'll want to puke. i know i did.

i had a dream last night. i dreamt that i met gena. she was in my living room, sitting next to me on the sofa, and she was absolutely beautiful. she had gorgeous wavy brown hair that fell to the middle of her back, and her eyes were so captivating: big and brown, i could see all her pain, but also all her love. she was showing me a photo album of her daughters, and she was so proud. her daughters were beautiful too; a product of their mother. in the dream i wondered how i was able to meet gena, and then i was worried that man apart would be jealous that i got to meet her and he didn't, and i felt bad. i was happy that i met her, but when i woke up, i was sad because the reality is that i probably will never get that chance in real life. only in my dreams.

maybe that's the only thing we can look forward to, is our dreams. in them we can be whoever we want to be, and meet whoever we want, and do what we want. maybe we can find love in our dreams, because the love in real life is unrealistic. things can be perfect in our dreams, but not in real life. keep your dreams alive, man apart, because one day they will come true. they'll come true for all of us. at least i hope so.

much love to all,
meredith

enoch 05-22-2004 10:39 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
man apart you make me laugh out loud - no don't worry I am here with geena and I am fanning her and I think she will revive soon - haven't called the paramedics yet - maybe next time they should be on hand.. lol

and another thing - you got some back bone here - don't matter what love is or is not - don't matter because none of us really know - but to stand up for you beliefs now thats a good thing - I love it.. although I did note you kind of bashed god up a bit - thats okay too he just gets a bang out of you..

I suppose since we have free will and are co creators of so much - what ever love one person creates is just as real as what anyone else creates - see I am malable here - willing to work with your concepts and diatribe - its like the prince song -I would love to see you dancing in your purple rain - even more if you were wearing the bunny slippers - okay just joking with you..


you know man apart I will let you on a secret - I just had my heart ripped last night by someone I had come to love and talked to every day for the last 5 months - I don't think she meant to rip my heart out - I think she just got too drunk and was around an old old friend and stuff happened but then she lied about it - and rip there goes the heart - never was much good at competing - you know those ladies they decide who to let in to float their boats -and I was too many states away I suppose. so I pretty much sat up all night analyzing my take on things - letting the emotions ooze out - but then I was able to sleep and I woke up this morning and realize its gone and I ain't in high five mode today - but maybe in while I will be okay.. I didn't do anything to deserve being strung along - but thats the way it turned out - and now she can miss the friendship and the closeness we shared and remember she sold it all for some cheap wine and an old friends tired old loving. Does that make it easier for me? NOPE - I feel like yuck - made me write this down earlier " I dont' need you arms around me all I need is meds to calm me - I have seen the writing on the wall and I don't really think I need you - no I guess I was wrong expecting anything at all... " Now that ain't profound wisdom - there is always a void - so don't think I don't understand the feel you have - after all I am still a man - like you - and love feels the best of anything we can know and when you have heart ripping sentence passed on you - it brings you down down down...

okay now ease up on the god bashing a bit - there might be impressionable young minds reading... love you man apart...

lori j 05-22-2004 11:41 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Man, I have been having a lot of letdowns & stress this past week, so was not much good to help anyone, so just didn't post to you.

MY nerves are shot, there is no more for me to give. Meds help, but they can only do so much, like you say, they cannot change the crap that life deals us.

My back is still very sore on top of everything else, the physical pain doesn't help the depression either.

I will say this, you are not ugly! I took a little trip to the place you placed your ad. Now, there are some UGLY dudes there & YOU ain't one of them!!! I've seen many men that look like you & I do not consider them one bit ugly. I think you really do have body dismorphic syndrome!! Your mind tells you something the mirror just does not show. Sorry, you can't use that as an excuse anymore! Nope!

Gotta run, my back kills when I sit at the computer. Hope you are doing better.
friend, lori j

Man Apart 05-23-2004 12:37 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Meredith. Seeing you post today made me feel better. I smiled when I say your named under my post. I was thinking to myself all yesterday. Man, so this is how Mermaid feels. I can relate! lol. I probably would have dropped out of school the way I felt. Even though I only knew this girl for 4 months. But thats the thing that upsets me. My feelings for her should automatically shut off. She lied. Yeah she was remorseful, blah blah. But she still lied. And I cant fall out of love. I can deal with the pain of losing her...well..i...think..well...yeah I can. I can. But I cant deal with not being able to stop loving her. I know I will eventually in time, it jus hurts more knowing someone else is going to, well, has already been, doing with her everything I dreamed. He certainly has more to offer. lol. Hes 48, shes 19. He owns a contruction company in Minnesota. Um, I dont. Hes rich. Um, im not. He can fly out to see her tomorrow. I can save and get out there maybe in 2 months. Hes white, im black. They met when she was 17. They broke up because he was jealous that she became too close with his son, who is like around her age. But she adamantly told me nothing went on. Of course when the Prince arrives on his chariot and showers her with gifts and throws money at her strugglig family, I guess it doesnt take much to ignite that old flame. The little black peasant boy with a crush seems to become less significant all at once.

Im so sorry Mermaid. You know I dont mind when you vent. In a way I can really handle it better now that ive experienced it in a way. Maybe not fully. I mean, there are a vast number of things you lost compared to me, but, your not alone. Plus you have that beautiful thing going on for yourself. Inside and out. If there is one good reason in the world to lay in a emergency room bed, it would be from being love sick. Love will find you again. I promise. *hug*. A heart like yours is easy to find.

I had a dream about Gena. Ill be honest, um, it wasnt too pleasant so I wont go into details. lol. It doesnt reflect how I feel about her, it contradicts it. I know she would never have been that way. But I did envision her being energetic, she walked fast, she was funny, short, and spunky. Heck I even had a dream about Enoch. For some reason subconsciously i envision this tattoed man, smoking religiously, looks like Clint Eastwood, and calling me kiddo. Enoch forgive me if my dream is light years from reality. lol.

Enoch forgive me for the God bahsing. I dont see it as me bashing as me just expressing frustration. I apologize to you as well. Forgive me for my post. Even if I felt you desecrated my beliefs, i should not ever desecrate or minimize yours. I was wrong in ever slightly incinerate that you have a cold heart. I certainly have only experienced the warmth from it.

Lori J lmao. First I want to say i am sorry about your physical health. And even more troubled with you mental health. You have my best wishes and my concern. But please do not add to your anguish by subjecting yourself to my image. lol. Then you will be truly doomed. In all seriousness, I hope you feel better soon. thanks for your kind words. I wish I could believe that. Maybe oneday I will if enough people could convince me, because i do not know anymore. Actually, i do know, cos enough people convinced me that I look like a repulsive animal. I hope your back gets better, please take care.

Genieeee, your making me nervous. *rubbing the magic lamp* I can only say I hope you are ok. Wherever you are, whatever your doing, I hope you are safe and happy.

Man Apart 05-23-2004 04:33 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
[QUOTE=Tesseract]................[/QUOTE]


????????????????

enoch 05-23-2004 11:57 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
not clint eastwood = more like richard dreyfuss = but beefier - hey man apart - I think its cool when you fight god - the jacobs ladder thing - when your having hands on contact its goods because sooner or later it means your going to get pinned for the count - then you have no more moves to wiggle away.. he finally cornered me in the back of a weps truck (read military vehicle) when I was 22 years old - I had run out of places to hide - I had been his face going toe to toe with him - had out talked two ministers and a priest philosophically - in rapid succession - and then - there he was god himself come to get me... and he got me and once I realized who he was compared to who I was - that was it. so I was just joking with your about bashing god - we can't really do that - philosophy and religion are worthless as definitions to who god is - more like saint john of the cross and his book The Cloud of Unknowing - meaning all we can for is seeing bits of the cloud - that surrounds god all the time in terms of our perceptions of him..

I new man once who jamician by way of kingston - who had a wife - and the wife ran off with a top ranked official in jamaca - years ago - history bears this out - the man stole a bunch of money and was very educated and took my friends wife with him (and my friends child) the friend in turn made a commitment that he would become very educated so the next time he met this ex wife of his he would be a man of education and respect - sos thats what he did - two masters degrees and a PH.D - and as he told me the story of all this he finally said - "yes, I have done all this" looked at me and said "big deal" as he shrugged his shoulders - he was dead within three years of telling me the story from blood pressure problems ---- he never met the ex again and hadn't seen his only child in all the years in between..

there are many who are beyond us in what we could ever accomplish - but there are many woman who are not living in the dimension of material things nor power image.. Man Apart - I would set my sights on an older woman - one that would help you with love and the understandings of love - one who would close the language door with you and open the love window - where you are now emotionally love don't want to use a door to get to you - but wants to come through that window - like a full moon on a clear night.. You need an education in love from maturity - not immaturity.. as wise as your are in so many ways I think your education would be rapid and complete - and them older ladies - they know things you need to know...

give if thought - think about it twice think about it twice-- lol ...

what i learned long ago is you can't move foreward with the ladies unless you are forward.. and you might get butterflys in your stomach but keep the mouth moving and if the hands shake stick them in your pocket but let them words keep flying out of your mouth and always be armed with more words to say - because if you can do that - lay out the line - got game - you can do it every time -

now i know your love is based on purity and real desire for real love - but what I am suggesting is a bit of education to self of how things work - like being in college to get a degree - the education is the fun - then you get the degree and apply what you have learned in any direction you want - or like the great charlie parker - sax player said - "learn everything you can about music and the right way to do things - then forget all that and just play it the way you feel it"

Genabeena 05-23-2004 03:58 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I'm having the most dreadful time trying to keep up with all of you. If it's not one thing it's another. And now I'm catching bits of this and that. Man Apart has a picture out on the web that I desperately want to see, but I am missing some crucial information I need to do that (I have to go back and read everything more carefully). Tesseract has all of her posts deleted for some mysterious reason. Tess, if you're reading this, please drop us a line, honey. We're freakin'.

I've got to go get half of the neighborhood some ice cream and make sure they get home for bedtime. I'm fine, but I'm going insane! NEED........SOME.........ME........TIME!

Love ******

p.s. I'll get back here as soon as I am able. Promise!

Genabeena 05-23-2004 05:09 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Aha! I [I]finally[/I] got it. (If my head wasn’t attached…) All I have to say is it’s so nice to finally see you. And- I don’t know- it’s a mystery to me how it is that you haven’t already been snatched up. You might think I’m just fluffing your ego, but…….nope.

[QUOTE=enoch]man apart you make me laugh out loud - no don't worry I am here with geena and I am fanning her and I think she will revive soon - haven't called the paramedics yet - maybe next time they should be on hand.. lol [/QUOTE]

Yeah, you’re not kidding!

Let me see……… he’s sweet+ he’s caring+ he’s passionate and compassionate+ he’s smart+ he’s creative+ he’s strong+ he’s funny+ he’s cute = total package. Hmmmm, it doesn’t take a rocket scientist.

If I wasn’t in such a hurry to get home and get the girls to bed, I would elaborate more, but I will be back tomorrow!

Love
Gena

lori j 05-23-2004 10:00 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Man believe what I said, I do not lie. Truly I do not lie. If I had to describe you, I'd say "cuddly teddy bear!"

Man Apart 05-24-2004 06:31 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Hey beanie baby. How you been, what has been going on? Thats why I dreamed of you being energetic and always in a hurry. lol. Im glad your ok. Tell me whats been going on. Im sorry you had a dreadful time. I warned you not to look. Now humanity is doomed... Ok im running out of jokes. Im sorry if we got too far ahead. Me and Enoch are still playing that chess game and hes got my queen on the run.

I noticed Tess posts were gone too. I think shes mad at me. I dunno why I just get that sense that whenever something bad happens its my fault. Plus I think the B word is going under my name soon. LOL. Cuddly teddy bear. Thank you Lori. I appeciate. I never heard that one before I must admit. lol. How is your back feeling btw? I know you were in a very down mood, are u feeling better?

Thanks for being the sweet lil genie you always are. I appreciate it always. Unfortunately the mystery is simple, im not very lovebale and cuddly and cute like a teddy bear. Elementary my dear Genie! Mystery solved. Please fluff away at my ego. Well, if i had one. I need one. Everyone needs a lil bitty one here and now.

Oh btw. I gotta give a heads up now while im in this numb, nervous state. I know when the anxiety fades the morbidness will arrive. Its just, its gonna take alot for me to put this behind me. To put "her" behind me. I caugh tmyself last night doing a advance google search. I typed suicides in one box, break ups in one box, and for some reaons , love in the other box and clicked search. I scrolled down a moment and closed the page. Im gonna try not to be apart of the problem this time and injure my mind even more, but its hard. Cos the thought of death gives me comfort when going through severe pain and loneliness. I wish I could talk to you guys about it more openly cos I need help. But im not gonna turn this into a soap opera. I know im failing miserably at finding love. I dont know what to do or say. I just feel and I let whatever I feel come out of my mouth or from my finger tips. Just doesnt seem to matter. It all seems to be wrong.


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