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MermaidMer 05-27-2004 01:32 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
gena, you are so beautiful. just how i imagined you in my dream, but with shorter hair. and rod, i checked you out too. you're so cute! i don't know why you put yourself down so much, you're a very attractive man.

anyway, i just wanted to pop in here and say hi. i had a really busy day. i went to the eye doctor and found out my vision has gotten worse, and i need new glasses. then my mom dragged me along with her to run about a million errands. also, i've been looking for a new pdoc, so i've been on the phone with so many different doctors seeing if they'll take my insurance and new patients. so far no luck. oh, and tonight i had class. three hours of useless math, ugh.

oh i forgot to mention that i ran into my worst enemy from high school. this girl was my best friend for two years, and then senior year she stopped talking to me and screwed me over for prom. today she acted as if nothing had happened 4 years ago, like we were still best friends. little did she know that i dont forgive and forget--and i was still po'd at her for ruining my life and causing me to lose all my friends back then. so imagine my joy when i saw her today.

rod, i can't even imagine what you are going through right now, i know that you are hurt and upset, but i'm always here to offer advice and support. i don't always know how to help, but i will do anything i can to make you feel better and not so down. it pains me to see you so so upset. i don't know what else to say; just know that i care about you very much and i want to see you get better.

gena, you remind me so much of myself. i'm a worry wort also, so i was the same way when i read rod's posts. all i can think of to say is that sometimes worrying about someone else helps take the worry off of yourself. i don't think about my own problems when i know that you and rod are having a hard time, the only thing i care about is you guys getting better. i hope you can find comfort in that.

anyway, it's 4:30 in the morning and my mom just came in my room and told me to go to bed. even though i've had insomnia for the past few nights i'm going to try and get some shut eye. hope to hear from you guys soon. i love you all.


lori j 05-27-2004 01:23 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Man, I just had to tell you, I've not slept for 2 nites now with the back pain, so I called my gp doc & he got me in today & wrote me a prescription for physical therapy again. This script is like GOLD to me. At least now I know I'll get help & out of this pysical pain. The chiro made it much worse, I never should have gone back to her!!!
Hope you're having a good day.

Man Apart 05-27-2004 02:21 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Hey you lil Mermaid. I imagine thats what you look like, a beautiful red haired sea goddess. Thanks for your compliments. If only it could be true. I really do appreciate everyone being nice though. And I thank you for your concern. Im sorry to hear about your vision. I wear glasses too. My vision is terrible. Im considering contacts cos I really am tired of glasses. I want to be able to wear shades and stuff sometimes.

Ahhh you give me bad old high school memories. High school is like a war zone. You have all your different factions and groups and stuff. Its like the board game Clue. You dont know who to trust or whose your friend and whose gonna stab you in the back. I bet she saw you and was surprised how great you still looked and wanted to make up.

Dont worry about me. You know what its like, but I would think its far more harder when youve had something for so long and lose it than to be so close to having it for first time and never being able to reach it, or having it yanked away. I care about you too. I wish I could be a better friend sometimes but, I try when im not in emotional hell. Im gonna tell you the same as Gena, no worry about me, even though I worry myself alot lol, just plz dont, you and Gena dont follow me down this road. You guys mean too much to me.

Hey um, if your having probs sleeping you can always request a mild sleeping pill from your doctor. Something like trazadone or etc. I dunno. Im not good at recommending medications even though ive been on many. I think Lori J knows more about it than me. I think Lori is actually currently taking Trazadone. I hope right now as I type this your in bed snoring and sleeping like a baby mermaid. I hope things work out for you, its nice to hear from ya, always makes me feel better. Take care for me.

Man Apart 05-27-2004 02:29 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Lori, you should sue! You have a case I think. hehe. I dunno. If I went to a chiro and she made me worse ill wreck havoc. lol. Lori I hope your doing ever thing it takes to get your pains to cease. I hope the new doctor and therapy helps. Also I hope your feeling better mentally. I know having back pain doesnt help. Ill be honest, sometimes when I get sick or have some type of physical pain, it kind of helps me mentally cos I only start focusing on trying ot get well. I think to myself sometimes, there are people out there who literally live like this everyday in some shape or form. And I have such a low tolerance for pain. Yeah im a wimp. lol. Anyway, I hope you can get some sleep as well. I know the back probs can hinder that no matter what medication your on. You take care.

Man Apart 05-27-2004 02:37 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Enoch, I picture Gena down in Florida on the beach in a bikini, laying out in the sun with shades on, a tropical drink with the lil umbrella in her hand, watching her lil kids run around and making sand castles and all the guys checking her out. lol.

Im thinking about ya Genie, go knock em dead. Have a great trip.

enoch 05-27-2004 03:46 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
man apart - the anti magnet equation - now then my friend down in florida says walking along the beach with his one year old daughter is a chick magnet -I think it will be up to geena to tell us if the same is true of two energy filled boys. bikini - well having looked at geena's picture I can't go there - she is a very beautiful young lady - I have to be careful at my age - this is when the stigma of dirty old man could be attached to me - no I picture her running on the beach with a big baggy yellow tee shirt sloshing her caffeine free pepsi all over her bunny slippers yelling at her kids because they are having sword fights with wood washed up from new caledonia..
I would hope she gets the job if thats what she wants - but also that she gets some sort of new awareness to carry her away from the drama of old beginnings into new ones.. took my buddy out for a run in the underbrush today - how come I get all the ticks on me and he gets not a one? I think I got them all but now have that creepy feeling of stuff crawling on me while the hound snoozes peacefully recounting his romp. ( I didn't say rump I am not a dirty old man) geena forgive me - man apart egged me on...

sherry47 05-28-2004 06:28 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.


My back surgery stopped the nerve pain from running all the way down my leg, now it kind of stops right in my right buttock. I have new pain in my left leg. The surgeon says it's coming from them moving the nerves around
when they were harvesting the bone. As far as my back pain goes, I think it is worse now than it was before surgery. I am fusing so my surgery is considered a success even though it did not eliminate my pain. Go figure.


I so know what you are talking about when it comes to hubbys falling asleep when you are discussing something important. Nothing makes me any angrier. If something happens and we are needing to find a way out of a situation he will not miss one minutes worth of sleep. I am the one left to worry about things. Another thing I hate is, we can be arguing all day and then when we go to bed, he wants to have sex. Hello???!!! What's up with that? Are all men like that? Can't they understand that we can't just turn it off and on like that? I'm sorry enoch and Man Apart. I am not attacking you guys. Maybe you guys can shed some light on this subject.

Man Apart,

I can't add any more than I have already said. Just take it day by day. I know things will eventually look better to you. It won't always hurt this bad. Each day it will hurt a little less. Trust me on this, I know from experience. Not a lost lover, but I lost a child. I didn't think I could go on living, but I didn't have a choice. I had two other children at the time that needed me. And Geena, this was one of the times that hubby could sleep, while I was up all night losing my mind, needing comforting. As it turns out, I had a greater comforter than my husband. My comforter was God. So, Man Apart, allow God to comfort you, and remember what I said. Take it one day at a time. Tell yourself, I am going to make it one more hour if thats what it takes. Some days I was taking it by the minutes. You can survive this deep despair. I promise you that. I could not have done it without God. I wish you all the best and hope to see you eventually change that name to Man Together.

God Bless,
Sherry :wave:

P.S. By the way, the reason it took me so long to reply is because all of my computers have been in the shop. I use a wireless home networking system, and my virus protection had expired last month. I didn't have the money to update it because I'm not working, and anyway, my daughter contracted a virus on the main computer, then asked me to use my laptop to do a report for school. I said yes, and she went to the same darn website that infected the other computer, and voila my laptop became infected. So here I am, a couple hundred bucks later, all my files lost, but with comps that are good as new. I told hard headed daughter she is going to pay me back when she starts babysitting this summer. I need to teach her this lesson. She was so sure it wasn't her fault. Hummm hard headed little imp she is. LOL. Wonder where she gets it....must be from her dad. cuz I'm an :angel:

lori j 05-28-2004 10:24 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
(My back surgery stopped the nerve pain from running all the way down my leg, now it kind of stops right in my right buttock. I have new pain in my left leg. The surgeon says it's coming from them moving the nerves around
when they were harvesting the bone. As far as my back pain goes, I think it is worse now than it was before surgery. I am fusing so my surgery is considered a success even though it did not eliminate my pain. Go figure.)

Thanks for answering me, sgibson. I started PT again today. The chiro was killing me, I should have known better after going this route 4 years ago. It wasn't my sciatica at all, the PT said it's my hips out of alignment & I was there an hour & a half. He also worked on my old herniated disc since right now due to the hips I cannot do the exercises for that. My pain went from about an 8 to a 1 1/2 in one visit to PT. I hope your pain is relieved soon, I haven't had to have surgery, so far the PT has always helped & improved my situation.

Man Apart 05-29-2004 09:40 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Sgibson, glad to hear from you again. On your question about mens behavior tendencies. Um, Enoch, be my guess to help me with this one. I am sure you are very experienced in this area. But let me try to make a feeble attempt on giving my opinion. Um, the emotional gap between men and women is very significant. Men arent really as panicky and emotionally enthralled like women. If I had a quarter for all the times I heard my dad tell my mom, "dont worry about it, Ill handle it." But I have to admit, somehow, someway my father always did. Hes the most composed human being I ever seen in my life. I only saw him cry or come close to it, once in my entire life. Another thing is men always feel like when you enter that mode of conversation, it sounds like they are being criticized, or thats the way they take it. Alot of men are stubborn, I admit, I would know, I call my dad stubborn all the time. He wants to do things his way and he wont listen to anyone. He doesnt want problems surfacing over his head. He told me once, no matter what it is, you just put it in a box, you know its there, you know you have to open it up and deal with it, but dont ever let things affect every aspect of your life. He doesnt want it to change how he wakes up or how he sleep or the mood of the house. When its time to deal with something we deal with it but I dont want to wake up everyday and see it on my wife's face and see it in my children, we have to move on and not worry. And it kind of makes sense. Because my mom is in the best mood when all the bills are paid and she have money to go out and do things with. But if we get behind a month or so on something, she pushes the panic button, she gets aggrivated and frustrated. She lets it affect her life and the people around her. But my dad is always the same mood. And I agree with my dad on that, you shouldnt change towards each other just because of a situation. It doesnt help to turn on each other when things are going bad. Just like if a basketball team is losing the game and they start pointing fingers at each other, it shouldnt be that way. You should be close when everything is going good and closer when everything is going bad. As for the sex question, Ill turn that over to Enoch. Some would say sex is the best thing for stress. lol. But I agree, men shouldnt play nice just to get sex.

Sgibson, I wish I could just wake up oneday and have faith. There is so much in this world that blinds me from seeing God, and knowing him and the truth. I would not use God as a anti-depressant, or ask him to take all my problems away. I dont care how bad my life gets. All I want to know is that he is there. Waiting for me at the end of my journey. And thats the bad part about my life is that, Im conflicted and the more I feel hated and abused the less faith and belief I have and the more desirable death seems. Not knowing is worst than anything. If I didnt maintain a ounce of belief Id be dead. If I did fully believe, my life would of course be different. Its being torn between the decision on how to live my life. Whether im living to reserve myself a place in heaven, or if this is all I have, having to live in man's world, by mans rules and I live this life and do whatever it takes to survive no matter what I have to do.

I am still talking to her. But its painful because I dont know what to believe. Her story has changed again. Now she is not with the older man. Now she wants me to wait and give her more time to decide her feelings for me. *groan* She tells me she does not want to be hurt or to hurt me but. She already has. And Im trying to decide if I want to take myself through this. The safe route would to be to just put her behind me, unfortunately there is nothing in front of me. They say if you are not willing to fail greatly, you cannot acheive greatly. *deep breath* I know this will sound pathetic. But im so afraid of her. She scares me to death. I dont know why. I love talking to her and writing her and getting to know her but, she frightens me. I get weak everytime I see a image of her or a picture. I know why. Im afraid of how deep my feelings are for her. And one of the centerpieces of my depression is because I have a fear and deep envy of physically attractive people. When your falling inlove with someone, they become the most beautiful person in the world to you. Not only on the outside, but inside as well. And im trying to fight this complex I have in feeling like Im not good enough or attractive enough, or feeling like im in a beauty and the beast story. Its insecurity times a million. I just dont know what to do at this point.

Lori, im sorry to bother you again with medication questions. I think im going to change medications again. It would take a act of God to convince them to give me trazadone. Is there anything similar to trazadone I could take? Cos everytime I mention it to anyone you would think I said a swear word. First off I wouldnt try to OD on trazadone again because one of the reasons why I called 911 for help was because it didnt kill me instantly like I thought it would, just made me unbearably sick and pass out. This lexapro is starting to have side effects. But im not going to stop taking it, i just thought I should mention it because it seems the nausea is getting gradually worst. I hate busphor. It hurts trying to swallow that thing and it just isnt anywhere near helpful, but theres no way im ever putting another clonapin in my mouth as long as I live. Oh and xanax seems to be another bad word to them. I cant even suggest it. Anyway, I really do hope and pray you guys get healthier soon. I cant imagine the pain you both have to deal with, but I am wishing the best for you both to recover soon.

P.S. Miss you Gena.

enoch 05-29-2004 04:48 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
man apart - would you dad adopt me? my dad was an alcoholic who didn't fight fair - no spankings just a boot or fist - I had no role model - had to really look around him to find god - had to realize that as children fathers are symbolic of what god later becomes to us or what we hope god is - so you see I had obstacles to overcome to find the real meaning of father. Man apart why do you set me up with the sex question - I am not a dirty old man -but will say this - if a woman would put on the right nightclothes and have that certain look in her eye - that man she is talking to would be like those dogs you see in the back of car windows bobbing their heads up and down to everything she say.
in my own little realm - depression never killed off the libido and I am glad of that because sometimes it might have been all that kept me alive. and I understand gibson's question - but one thing does not connect to the other - for some the act is a medicine a stress reduction tool - sorry this sounds like using somone else for gratification purposes -which might be true - but within the boundries of marriage I think love underlines even that - just because the man is ambushed with the things in his life or the emotions of his woman - the act itself is about other things - some selfish at times and some nonselfish - like trying to connect beyond the confusion felt or distance felt - god made the sex drive pretty high up there so mankind would continue through famines and plagues and wars and all kinds of trauma - if the drive was not so high everybody would just stop doing it and in 100 years the earth would be empty of all human life - from the womans point of view it is not good to feel used or made into an object.. I know this feeling - last month I had one of those colonscopys - with a doctor and his assistant doing the probing - and I didnt cry or nothing but I noticed the hand rail I was gripping with all my strenght was kind of bent up from all the men that had gone before me - and when they was done with their examintion - nobody even told me they loved me.. how lonely was that? getting dressed by myself in an empty room to go home... now the women laugh and the men groan.

ya, I could be fighting with a wife all day long but when bedtime came the fighting did not matter - I was still there - I still loved her - time out please.
fighting has nothing to do with love or desire - because when that happened when the fighting became everything it was time to get on out the door and start looking for the next ex wife.. I laugh everyone else groans - its apparent I can not be trusted to be too serious about mars and venus stuff -
too me love is like the song says "I close my eyes only for a moment and the moments gone." all I really know is I enjoyed those moments as much as I could because I realized as a young man they would never last forever...

so man apart talk to your dad and see if he will adopt me - and start clearing a space in your room - hope you don't mind listening to frank zappa 24/7..

and you can take me and show me where you get those bunny slippers from I want some just like yours....

gibson - in no way am I making light of your feelings regarding the issue - its just that I am a man - and I understand your husbands drive - and thus it makes me seem insensitive to the emotional side of things - which is true enough. on some levels its a very bad thing but the dynamics are much too complicated and intricate to detail here. because in the complexity of truth the question you mention is centered in what the so called original sin was truly about -forget that apple story.... which comes out equaling women are the cause but men are to blame.. and thus in all of life the original sin is lived over and over and over again in 99 percent of all relationships between man and woman.. (see how bombastic the size of it is). = when a woman is being used and feeling she is being used how can a man teach her anything about love on a grander scale beyond his own little contradiction of self regarding love - and if the woman knows she is being used how can she respect that man and not fall into judging him and having comtempt for the words he gives her concerning wisdom and love? and how can man who is using woman for his own gratifications be at peace with god when he is pushing god aside in his own desire to have the woman serve his ego and not the greater good of god? and how can the woman learn anything from a man who is nurturing the hell in her (emotional confusion) for his own use (sexual gratification) instead of loving her with god (clarity of love) moving through him. (that was the short version gibson) - so your not wrong in feeling like you feel..

lori j 05-29-2004 10:26 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Hi Man, that is what happened to me with lexapro, the nausea got worse & worse, so I had to quit it. Too many side effects for me to deal with. I guess I'm not a good candidate for any of the ssri's.
As far as trazadone, it's a tricyclic & the one I was on for 7 years that worked great & no side effects was another tricyclic called amitriptyline, there is also nortriptyline that is similar. Since the amitrip worked so well for me, I was lucky that someone on these boards actually was the one who suggested traz. to me & I suggested it to my pdoc. Geez, why am I paying him??????? Anyway, it works for me as good as amitrip did. So, those are the other 2 tricyclics that would be similar to traz.

There are others, some very old tricyclics but as you know I didn't have succes with them, one being vivactil, horrible dry mouth & taste in mouth & food tasted awful. Then there was maprotyline & that made me HIGH, so that didn't last more than one day for me!!

Like I said, go with amitrip or nortriptyline, those are of the same family.

My back is feeling better, I had the first PT appointment friday & they are so much better than chiros. I was there an hour and a half, they really know their "chit"!! I mean, they know just how to help you without pain, after the chiro i was in worse pain than when i went there. I have 3 exercises to do twice a day & they actually help relieve the pain. Oh, it's not the sciatica, it's actually my hip out of place. I will be seeing the PT 3 times a week for a month at first & then see where we're at. I am still having some pain, especially when sitting too long, that puts so much pressure on the hip, but I it is tolerable with tylenol right now.
Hope these meds suggestions help. Let me know, but if the lexapro is starting to give you side effects, my experience was they didn't get better or go away with time, they got worse.

Man Apart 05-29-2004 11:54 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Enoch. My father is far from being a honest man. And since the events between him and my sister that occurred last year, I even questioned if hes a good man. But I love him. Hes lied to me so many times in my life, but I cant discard all the things hes done for me. I think I can give him the benefit of doubt. He certainly earned it. I still remember the nights when i was young and he would rock me to sleep, and always believing in me even if I came home with a report card full of F's. He never put me down or yelled at me. Of course he didnt spare the rod when it came to discipline. But it was never excessive. I admire his strength, composure and resiliency. He can withstand just about any tragedy. He reminds me of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. He seems like a humble, hard working good man most of the time, but then I walk in on him having sex with my sister and everything I ever thought about him changes. Dr. Jekyll was a good role model for me and I looked up to him and maintained a belief in God through him. Mr. Hyde is a sick, pathological liar and caused me to lose my faith. Arent we all like that though? Isnt there a little dark closet inside of us all? I wonder what would be in that closet if we were to all be honest about ourselves for a moment. I know onething for me in there is my envy, shallowness, and hate towards beauty. Of course it was materialized through abuse and rejection. But its still something dark about myself I dont like. There are other things. I guess thats why I always ask myself, am I evil? lol. Is that why my life feels so much like hell.

We have enough room here to take in another family. Our house is pretty big. We have rooms that are empty cos we dont know what to do with em. lol. So your very welcome to haul in. You cant have the room across from mine though, im reserving that one for my mail order bride.

Im very indifferent on the topic of relationships between men and women. Despite my lack of experience, Im always curious and attentive when Im able to learn from others and the conditions of their relationship or marriage. Sgibson's recent post describing her relationship was so intriguing to me. On the issue of sexual gratification, I would tend to believe the notion that God made our sex drives so high so we can populate the world if a man and womans sex drive were equal. It seems too much like men are way too driven. Everything is sex now. I guess theres another mistake God made. Didnt take in account that it would cause so many rapes. Which was my first and only sexual experience. There are sex addicts therapy groups for people because it gets so out of control for them. I guess he just says, "oops."

Too many men in this world make sex out to be this great acheivement. Its definitely a ego thing. They use it to validate themselves. They put a great amount of value in it to feel secure in their manhood. They use it to balance out their problems. For some its just a hobby. Seems like the more women you sleep with, the better the man you are. Well thats kind of how I see society viewing it. But women are just as much to blame. Alot of women use sex and short skirts and high heels to lure men in and afterwards wonder why he wants it all the time. People like me are considered losers. Maybe I am. Maybe I should have had sex with the numerous girls I had chances with even though I didnt have any feelings for them whatsoever. Maybe I would feel more important. Maybe I would be a man. Sometimes I wish I had that kind of sex drive. At least Id have something to talk about with my would be friends. Id be more accepted. At least society wouldnt think I was a loser even if I felt like one each time I hopped into a bed with another woman I just met 2 days ago.

The complexity of this issue is far beyond my reach. Im throwing this back over to enoch. I dont have a sex life. I dont envy the different forms of sex people engage in but I deeply envy love making people. I would love to tell my son oneday in our first chat about the birds and the bees. Son, I am proud to say that I was only with one woman in my life. And I feel blessed and honored that God made it so for us to be together, because she was all I ever needed. Id probably have to start that conversation with him really soon. With the way the world is now, I only see it getting worst. By the time he turns 16, I wouldnt doubt if he was working on his 4th girlfriend.

*sigh* What wretched creatures we are. Or is it just america. I dunno. Did love ever exist or did someone just make it up. Well reguardless these days I see less of it and more sex, greed, hate, and lust. I hate life. Im so glad life is short. Because its so utterly pointless.

Man Apart 05-30-2004 12:16 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Please discard that last little paragraph that got infiltrated into my post there. The mr. Hyde in me came out to play.

enoch 05-30-2004 04:00 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
man apart - hey I was reading you last post and I seen it happen - the center thought that then turned the rest into a downward spiral. you ought to give youself more credit - you see the truth of matters - although your a little hard on people for being sinners - are we sinners because we sin or do we sin because WE ARE sinners? what options does a goldfish have when it comes to breathing? I am not talking rapists or killers or sex offenders who take away innoncence of the young - I am not talking about those who hold evil in their heart - I am talking about everyday folks that breath that sin in and out just like a goldfish in its natuaral habitat. why? because its impossible to get to heaven on a pair of rollar skates.. Provisions have been made - you know the rest of the tale man apart..

anyway you idea of love is wonderful -and if you find it you will have done quiet well for yourself - maybe its all about patience - maybe if you labor with the patience of it you find it. or it finds you.. I never started out with any ambition to have a bunch of ex wives - would take you version in a second - but these is the cards dealt - and I accept responsibility for most of it - because a lot of times I knew better - so its a strange world because here we have the god talking guy with a bunch of ex wives and hard living talking to god fighting guy whose ideals represent the bible's standard whether he knows it or not... your a breath of fresh air man alive even if you find it stale to yourself.. now to me it seemed like thats your trigger - the idea of women and wanting your high standards of love to be a reality in the end.. but then frustration when you start to add up every thing you know that is opposed to the possibility of that.. but you know what - if you hold on to your ideals it will make you a better human than those who caved and settled - the only problem is your ideals are weighty - ya you know this you are living with them - and then frustration with the weight..

ever consider doing some volunteer work with big brothers? some kid somewhere like you when you was little -

don't know where that came from - just wrote it down...

your a much better speaker about love than I am.. true form - pure kind -
having worked with sex offenders for a number of years I have seen the ugly of a mans drive - the self serving use of others to gratify their urges - can't lie ended up hating most of them - christians are always talking about forgiveness -sounds good - but how does that work? forgive a guy who murdered someone else? somone who raped someone else - well thats mighty big of us ain't it - what about the person dead or raped? do the dead get a chance to forgive someone who took the only thing they had - and in the case of rape shouldn't it be up to the one that is raped to forgive or condemn? Old testiment talks about a guy called the revenger of blood - this was a guy appointed by god to go and kill anyone who had taken another life.. and if this revenger of blood came to your house you had to put him up since he was from god.. I have talked to ministers who know nothing about the revenger of blood - yet they go protest capital punishment and talk about forgiveness..

hey look at time here - another up all night - brain cells fossilized - loose associations.

rambling - can't find my bunny slippers -

packing my stuff tomorrow man apart see you next tuesday..

for a moment man apart thinks "were can I hide my bunny slippers."

man apart I can' t come down that way - too many strange people ride greyhound....

Man Apart 06-01-2004 06:50 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
Your right enoch. Sin is everywhere. I'm at the point that I dont even know what sin is. So many things in this world is accepted. I dont think it really matters. Sometimes sin can help your get ahead in life. Sometimes sin can help you survive. Living a sinful life can even make alot of people happy and rich. Just ask any stripper or nude model. Its significantly easier to live a life of sin than it is a life of righteousness. Sin doesnt pay? Well it kind of does. The way people prosper from sin makes me wonder why alot more people arent shouting "I'm blessed, Satan is good to me!" Some people just cant help it. As for the big brother idea. Maybe someday when I am a better man and can be there for some young child. I want to find someone just like me and show that child all the love in the world, and to prepare him or her for all the hate and adversity he or she will face.

To me, at this point, you know how I feel about life and the world. My life is pointless. The value of my existence is equivalent to the squashed bug on the bottom of your houseshoe. Its virtually impossible for me to exist in a world dominated by the beautiful. Being a minority in every walk of life. Having to live under a racist and fabricated perception of my ethnicity. Being physically, genetically and intellictually inferior to my peers. Life just doesnt mean as much when your born a nobody. Or maybe its only the way my life went that made me a nobody. Reguardless its really nothing I can do to change it. I upset my parents the other day talking to them. My mother had tears in her eyes because she felt I was blaming them for the way I am. I don't blame them in the least. Of course I would have rather they not have conceived me if they were ill-prepared to. Well, seeing how life is now, even if they were prepared, I still would have rather them not to. When she told me I was a mistake, she wasnt really lying. Of course I know they wanted me and loved me once she saw the blue line on the pregnancy test, but I wasnt expected. And she really took the physically thing personal. Im not saying they should have both looked in the mirror and realistically tried to figure out if they would be able to have a decent looking child. Noone does that. But dont [email protected]#$% expect me to be this confident, outgoing, spontaneous, happy, successful son in this world, looking the way I do, dealing with the abuse ive dealt with because of it, feeling the way I feel, inheriting all your health problems and poor genetics. I have a family history of depression, obesity, diabetics, etc. I dont think you were expecting some smart, handsome, athletic hearthrob. The best anyone could hope for is that I could at least be successful being smart. I guess that didnt work out either. Although I never really could find out if I was smart or not going to schools that could pass as juvenille prisons. All I could say was that I was sorry. Maybe its my fault. Maybe I should have overcame everything. But I just felt like, I shouldnt have to. Im sorry I cant live with all the handicaps. Dont ya just feel so bad for my parents right about now? I know I do. They could have never imagined they would have spawned such a piece of crap(for lack of a better word that starts with S).

I don't know if my idea of love represents God's standards. I dont really see much of God's love to really know what it is standardly. My ideal of it shouldnt be that high of a standard. And shouldnt be that much to ask. I mean, geez, is it really that hard to be genuine, loyal, honest, and caring? Is it really that hard to love someone cos they are a good person inside and not cos they make 6 figures and your friends dont think he or she is that hot. And I dont buy this crap about, "oh love doesnt last forever," and "its hard living with one person all the time." Well you still love your mother dont ya? You still love your father dont ya? Well not everyone. There are no other two people on this earth that get on my nerves more than my parents, but no other two people i love more. You can have that same type of devotion to someone else. Is it really that hard to not cheat? Its not like you can cheat on your parents. Thats the only difference is you dont have another set of rich parents waiting in the wings to take you in as their child. But somehow its justified in relationships and marriage when you find that new guy or girl that makes you just fall inlove all over again. Until it gets old again and the parasite is ready to jump to the next host to leech off of. Love should be like wine. It should get better with age. People should stop using love and people like its a pair a jeans youve worn way too long. Love isnt perfect. Well except God's love supposedly. Wonder why we arent so fortunate to have perfect love as well oh heavenly father.

You know I dont hate anyone. Cos nothing in life surprises me and noone is born in this world with evil killer genes. We all have the potential in us. It just depends on if life drives us to that point that triggers the evil within us. I think life tried as hard as it could to trigger it in me with hate and abuse but it failed. Probably even more of a reverse effect. I cant blame anyone for simply being human. You just cant. You just cant blame someone for being a victim to their own mind, feelings, nature, enviroment, experiences. I got mugged outside of a Circle K store recently by two guys. Of course I was mad as hell but, you know I thought about the fact those guys probably dont have a choice. They probably have a starving family. They probably cant find jobs. They werent born theives, they were made into theives. Cos everything their parents and family and enviorment taught them in life triggered that potential in them to be the way they are. Same goes for white collar criminals who have power and indulge in greed. Murders who were never taught the value of life(mainly cos their isnt much unless your born in fair or remarkable circumstances) and dont have problems taking it life. Racists who were raised to believe it is pretigious to wear white skin and should hate anyone darker. And rapists and infidelities surrounded by sex and seduction, fake breasted women in tight pants or short skirts screaming for attention, oh, just not from them, and wonder why they cant control the sick animal part of their mind that makes them addicted to sex like alcoholics are addicted to alcohol. Although I must admit, why my old music/physical ed teacher raped me is still a mystery to me, other than the obvious of me being small, quiet and none threatening compared to the other kids. Now I dont care what religion anyone is, it would be a daunting task for anyone to try to "love" and "forgive" those type of people. I certainly wouldnt be able to. But I dont find it too hard to not hate them... Hmmm, I wonder why I hate myself so passionately though....... Oh and this revenger of blood guy, LOL, im sorry, forgive me, its just sounds like a comic book villian. I should read the old testiment. I might get a good laugh.

The only thing that would make my life worthwhile living is having love. Its really the only thing that can counter a life full of hate and abuse. I know having love and being in a relationship is gonna feel like heaven sometimes and hell sometimes. Patience is not always a virtue. Especially for someone who has no choice but to be. You usually tell someone like me to be patience cos, my candle doesnt attract many moths. It doesnt attract any. But how do someone like me, a outkast, a loser, a failure, a unattractive, overweight 26 year old with no education or job experience, living with his parents, depressed guy find love. True love, im not talking about me going and hooking up with someone just to settle and not have to be lonely. I mean someone who can accept me and understand me and I will do the same for them and that we can prosper and become better people being together. All Ive ever asked for is a incentive in life. A reason, or oppurtunity to live a better life. Love would be the best incentive for me. It cures alot. It really does. For me anyway because I really believe in it. It can help me in so many ways. I can shed so much of my past to the point where it can just become a distant memory. It can make me stronger, more motivated, more confident, more outgoing. Who wants to be alone, or do anything alone or go anywhere alone or live alone. Thats one of my social hang ups. I cant bear being in public for too long cos it just reminds me of how alone I am. How different I am, how much it sucks to be ugly and fat, and how life is so much more beautiful and wonderful when your lucky and fortunate enough to not be born like me and many, many others who are like me and even worst.

So what can I do? Well, as I said before, I always tried to find a loop hole around human nature, around society, around the way people view me. Try to find someone who values the important things about someone. Someones whose human nature is humble. Whose shallowness never got the oppurtunity to grow. Someone who doesnt worship actors, athletes, and pop singers like most women in this country my age, and is genuinely God-fearing. I wasnt surprised that I had to look pretty far. But I do think I have found that person. Even though she is across the ocean. But distance doesnt matter to me, nor does race, ethnicity, looks or culture. Were all the same. We bleed the same, our heart beats the same. No culture is too different. No ocean is too vast. Ill go to the ends of the earth. It doesnt matter. I know that before I get on that plane to go see her Ill be a better man than I am now, and when I return home, Ill have finally experienced something I always wanted in life. And finally, atop of the mountain, finally, found my happiness, finally, be able to live life, finally, be able to defeat the great depression. Finally released from the shackles of this tragic life of mine.

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