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sherry47 06-01-2004 04:28 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Man Apart,

You are wrong about being able to forgive someone for rape. My brother's wife was raped and the "unthinkable" happened, she became pregnant. Well, my brother and his wife are Christians. They forgave the man that raped her and they now have a beautiful 11 year old mixed race son. That's right, the man that raped her was black. We live in a very prejudiced rural southern community. Our family is a prominent family, and I honestly believe some of the people in this community have actually changed because of this. My nephew will never know he is the product of rape. Only our immediate family knows this fact and we will respect their decision in not saying anything. It would serve no purpose telling this child he is the product of rape. All this child knows is he is a very loved and fortunate child. He has a strong love for the Lord, and it wouldn't surprise me if he chose to become a ********. My brother and his wife have had 2 more children since and there is not on iotas difference in the way they treat their children.

I think you need a good therapist. You cannot blame your parents for having a bad "gene pool". Get real. As you can see in my signature line, I have a lot of physical health problems. I do not in any way blame my parents for this.

You stated there is nothing you can do to change your life. Honey, YOU are the ONLY person who can change your life. Until you decide you are going to have a good life, it will never happen. It is not going to magically happen.
We all have to play with the cards we are dealt. There are plenty of prominent people who have climbed their way up from the ghetto. Please stop with the pity party. I think you probably need an anti depressant and then you need to make some changes in your life. Stop expecting to fail at everything. If you keep going into relationships thinking you are somehow inferior or unworthy there is no way that relationship can survive. People don't like having to continually reassure someone. They come off as "needy".
I think you will find if you have more confidence in yourself others will see it too.

I know some people are going to think my post is rather harsh, but I think someone finally needs to tell you these things. I have only been reading your posts for about a week and already I have tired of reassuring you. I'm truly sorry you are having such a hard time, but I haven't seen anything that makes you any different from the majority of the population. Did you ever receive any therapy for being sexually abused? If not, I suggest you seek therapy immediately. People do overcome years of sexual abuse with the proper therapy. It's not an easy path, but it can be accomplished. Have you ever heard the saying "God helps those who helps themselves"?

I do wish you the best of luck. I hope one day you find what you are looking for. I also understand you were probably just having a hard day when you wrote that post, but you really need to stop cutting yourself down so badly. If you feel that way about yourself, there is no way others wont feel the same way about you.

God Bless,
Sherry :wave:

enoch 06-01-2004 06:23 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I am one of those that find you post harsh. Would you tell a blind man he did not need his cane - would you tell a person in wheelchair to throw it away? NO - they have handicaps - what is depression? Can you pull yourself up by the boot straps and will it away? Does god answer all prayer the way our words go to him? Does he even like the sound of whining voices? If you took the time to read man aparts past posts you would see that this is a man not lost in self indulgent pity - but a man who is damaged and hurt and does not need a god jammed down his throat - but a god he can see through love from others not judgement.
How can a muletto child with two white parents not one day ask "whats going on here" if the god your talking about is a loving god why the lie to the child about how he came to be? surely such a child ready to become a minister would have love in his own heart and forgiveness to who ever his father is and what ever the deed done. - not my affair just noted.
man apart and I do not hang from the same vine - but I have found him to be an honest man - he does not ask me to defend him - but I of my own self am kind of bugged that you seem so sure of yourself that all man needs is a good grip on his bootstraps and things will be fine.. I am nearing fifty - I have been on meds for 30 years on and off - my grandfather spent nine years on a locked psyched ward my father 100 percent disability for mental problems - are you going to tell me I am not the result of bad gene pool too? I have another brother who has spent time on psych wards - and I have another brother and sister who are just fine -I am happy for them they do not know this hell they are raising families and making good decisions and being productive - but theres still my brother and me.. I got a degree and I worked for many years in the human service field - I worked on locked psych wards - I cut down three dead people - I opened a door on a guy hanging from a door handle with a metal coat hanger wrapped around that doorknob buried up into his throat - me tryiing so hard not to slip and slide in the blood - and those people and all those I sat with on one to one suicide precaution - did they have pity for themselves too? when someone talks about killing themself listen to them - its not pity its loss of hope in themselves and the world around them - should they be shot along the road because they do not feel like walking anymore? what is the title of this board? what is depression? no offense to you on a personal level but by god think before you judge another man and how the world seems to him. if your world is good and forgiveness abounds that is a good thing - but don't tell another about your god and expect him to see that god. he has to find his own. if you had taken time to read man aparts posts you would see how far he has come - maybe only baby steps - but hes come along - and please in retrospect did those you talk of- forgive rape the moment it happened? what is the time line on forgiveness?

the jesus I know about did not mince words -nor did he inflict more pain on those already hurting. part of the act of forgiving is to allow for repentance -
otherwise as jesus said your only casting pearls before swine - forgiveness within yourself for someone or something is very powerful medicine but in this case it is mans aparts choice to forgive - not yours.

and as you stated "you might fine this post harsh" and like you not my intent -

man apart I am not defending you here - I am only reacting to my own feelings - some memory of going to get my brother off the psych ward and how scared he looked about how close he had come to being gone forever.
I had always been his older brother - the one he looked up too - and his eyes said help me - and I knew not how.

Man Apart 06-02-2004 01:48 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I can't help but to feel bad and regretful for most of everything I post. I know we are all seperated by picket fences, and there is always people around the neighborhood with rotted brown looking grass. You wonder why is the grass so greener down the street. Is it really the way we take care of it, or is it the soil. We all only speak through experiences. Everyone has their own pair of shades they see through. Some willingly, some through circumstance. Again, just please forgive me. I know I am a broken record. But I dont have a choice but to let the record play and hope I can get to the next verse so I can hear the beautiful part of the song.

Sgibson, I dont think I really express there being a right and wrong aspect of forgiveness. I only said I can understand both if someone forgives and if someone doesnt. The vast complexity of that circumstance is something I cannot really give a opinion on. There are so many underlining issues with reguards to abortion, race, etc. The young man will become self aware oneday. What if the child oneday asked who his father is? Does he have the right to know the truth? I guess I failed to mention that in my own way I came to terms with the ill individual that raped me. I wouldnt say I forgave him, cos I dont know if he is still out there doing it to other children. I cant really forgive him. He never apologized. But I dont hate him. I dont wish ill-will on him. I hope he could get help. Thats all I can do. Him ****** me was miniscule in the grand scheme of abuse I suffered growing up. It couldnt compare to the emotional and mental rape of my being.

"Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt." Oh contray my fellow poet. I dont still feel the physical pain of the teenage kid breaking my leg with some dumb wrestling move, or the times I got my head dumped into a toilet, or being pelted by rocks as i was tied to a gate, or the same kid that always snuck up behind me to kick me in the groin in high school. Those wounds completely healed. But the mental and emotional damage from it, remains. And im still bleeding profusely. It was quite discourgaing yet, understandable reading mouse62 post on how half the people treated for depression subsequently do not improve. Science is still in the learning process of how to treat depression. Ive gotten help for the last 7 years. Just because I went through the motions of seeking treatment doesnt mean im going to end up like one of those happy overcomers, smiling while running across the park with their dog, on those tapes they show us in group therapy.

I dont blame my parents for me having bad genes, but it doesnt excuse the fact. Im just the b*st*rd willing to admit it. I dont ever, and i mean EVER crticize my parents for how i am today. They have loved me and done heaps for me in my life. They went through probably worst than I have. I think they expected me not to have to travel this road. But its too late cos im already on it. Im just the updated version of them. Right now they should be trying to show me how they made it through all the traffic, instead of trying to convince me I can take route 66 to God and happiness. I know im the only person that can change my life now. But my life was changed by people. I have to clean up the mess they made. Um, I really dont think I own the decision to have a good life currently. I may be able to retain it. Hopefully I will. But I lost that decision the moment my mind lost its ability to function and relinquished me my duty of controlling my emotions, feelings, and thoughts. Im not looking for magic. Im looking for love. And maybe just for one of these pills to kick in for once without giving me untolerable side effects.

I dont seek prominence. Mainly cos you never hear me complain about being poor. I was raised poor and I often say I was happier then than I am now living in a big house, a fancy car i hardly drive, and eating anything I want. There are people living on farms happier than people living in mansions. Yeah the mice werent too pleasant, and I got tired of eating cereal for dinner, and not being able to have that toy i wanted in the store cost we couldnt afford it. But I was happy. Theres a difference between being rich in money and rich in love and happiness. Now im not saying Im in any hurry to return to poverty but if I had to trade in my car for a little self esteem, id do it in a second. Wheres my bus pass?

Yeah I admit im going into a relationship feeling inferior and unworthy. But she sees something in me, ME, that made her say she loves me. No, i dont see it, but if she does, I will find it. I will believe it. Because if someone is willing to love me for it, I would know its there. You know, people didnt really mind reassuring me I was fat and ugly now did they? I dont think it would be too much to ask if someone for once told me, hey your great the way you are, I accept you and I love you for it. I guess Im just "needy" then. Ya need air to breathe, I need love to survive. Confidence doesnt grow on trees, and I cant go to the local store and find any in a bottle. I wish I could go back and pick pocket the many that took portions of it from me. I cant. And I have no idea where to get it from, other than from someone else who can help me restore it.

People should stop sticking me with a double-edge sword. I dont know why so many discourage me from taking the only path I see infront of me. Its almost the same as those who called me a loser. Just now its in a different form and context. "Nobody is gonna want you" may be the underlining theme, but reguardless to whose mouth it comes out of, intentions good or bad, it still means the same. If im wrong, im wrong, but I will have my glory. Im boarding my ship and sailing across the ocean because I do believe there is a fountain of youth, and there is land on the other side, and the world is round, and that I can find love. A little encouragement, advice, direction, and a good compass would help, but at this point, telling me why I cant or why I shouldnt or why nobody would want me is useless.

Sherry, yes i was having a pretty bad day actually. lol. I have alot of those. I hope you wont be discouraged from posting to me again. Because I really do not take anything anyone say personal unless it is blatantly hurtful. Your post was not hurtful. We may disagree on things but NEVER do I want to not be able to read your opinion no matter what it is and how you express it, as long as it is with good intent I appreciate you taking the time to write to little old me.

Man Apart 06-02-2004 02:02 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Enoch, I can see that struck a nerve in you. For some reason I feel I owe you a apology. I do sense you were speaking from your own feelings. Im fortunate if I may say because I really got to know more about you. But at the sametime I certainly dont want to see you upset. My problems arent any bigger than anyone else's, just different. Me and you are two different people from two different worlds. Yet its true opposites attract in some ways cos I admire your intellect and your philosophical views.

I cant imagine what your shoes are like. I definitely know theyre not bunny slippers. Working at that psych ward would have weight heavily on my own psyche.

Ahhhhh, I have to stop here, I want to say more but I gotta go do my graveyard job now. Until then, same channel, same station.

belize 06-02-2004 06:12 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Hello fellow humans who I just found here speaking of love and other mysteries. After reading here for a while I see several people who are loved very much. My question is how do we nurture a new love, even by mail, and have it grow into something we can believe in and trust? Why can't we accept we are worthy of the love that comes our way? If it is to be a fleeting moment of warmth how come this is not enough and we have to grab on so hard we sqeeze the life out of it? Isn't it something inside that loves and the body and appearance are not that important? The chemistry of love is born in the brain and should not be affected by outward appearance? Maybe love is not even born in the brain at all but some sort of communication of soul. It is a mystery to me.

sherry47 06-02-2004 09:36 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Enoch,

I didn't bother to read your entire post. I just wanted to tell you that I neither said nor implied that someone could just shake off depression. I would know that from experience.

Man Apart,

I was sure you would get the gist of my post. I think you are far more intelligent than some people give you credit for. I never intended my post to hurt you and you understood that. You see, a little 8 year old girl lost her life long battle with cancer. She never once questioned why me. The reason? She never knew life any differently. She knew she was going to die.


You were having a bad day, and so was I. It doesn't seem fair does it? A little girl who wants life can't have it. Others have life and don't want it.

Anyway, I will not post on this thread any longer. I'm sure that will make your guard dogs happy.

God Bless,
Sherry

enoch 06-02-2004 02:39 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
i did take the time to read your whole post.

I have a nephew who was in the 82nd airborne in iraq - he came back with a leg that does not work right and shrapnel up and down the right side - he is 20 years old - the day they gave him his purple heart - he later turned himself into the psych unit - and gave them the book of knots and nooses he had been reading - he still don't know if he wants to live..

we can trade stories all day long about what happens to people in this world -it don't change the one glaring fact - each person experiences it differently - and each person is here to find their own path to salvation - gibson I don't know you only what you put across the page - I am an old crusty biker guy - I gave up pretense along time ago - scanning others and their post is like scanning their life - if you don't take time to get down into and root around how can you get any flavor to learn from - do you think god values an eight year old child more than a crusty old biker guy? I think there is only one god - and no one knows who that one god is - until he himself reveals himself to you.. Who can guess why children die? who? who can guess why my nephew went off proudly to serve his country and will now eventually when they consider him stable enough be discharged out of the army with 100 percent disability and a handful of meds.
why is a hero toast at the age of 20? ---

but you see these are side issues of philosophical natures - the paradox and dimensions of a life we have only vagueness of- but I can see part of you and I can see man apart in some fashion - in some feel - and this allows me to communicate as much as you can see me back - thank you for referring to me as a guard dog.. that was very thoughtful of you.. if your going to state you case - state it well - because opinions vary and thats how the world runs - sometimes the posting ain't about fixing nothing but learning something in yourself as you post and as you respond and seeing things in yourself - negative or positive.. how can you help anyone when your standing on their neck telling them to get up?

how do you know what form wisdom takes? does it always have wings and white robes attached?

I am sorry for your loss of an eight year old child that was in your life and now gone. would you not have been a guard dog for her sherry?

sherry47 06-05-2004 12:35 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I know I said my previous post would be my last, but I felt I needed to put some closure to this matter. Enoch, I don't understand why you feel the constant need to attack and belittle me. Man Apart understood my post and was not offended by it. (Correct me if I am wrong Man Apart). I'm sorry if you misunderstood my posts or inferred something that was not there. I was not standing on anyones neck telling them to pull themselves out of depression. My only crime has been to offer my opinions. I am not a medical professional, I don't have any degrees to speak of. I am no different from 99% of the posters on these boards. That's right, I have feelings and emotions like everyone else. Actually, I am more sensitive than most which irritates me to no end. My statements came from experience. I have been down some of the same roads as Man Apart. I was only being honest and stating my opinion. I suppose that somehow gave you the right to attack me. You see, the fact is, you were doing exactly what you accused me of, the only difference is my post was not intentionally mean or hurtful. I wholeheartedly apologized to Man Apart if he took it that way.

Enoch, I can tell from your words to me that you have been hurt in your life. Who hasn't? I won't even begin to tell you what I have been through. It would serve no purpose. So don't accuse me of not understanding, I think you were looking for someone to strike out at, or looking to impress someone, I don't know what your motives were. I can only tell you, that you struck your mark. Pat yourself on the back. You said you were a crusty old biker guy. I will now post your own question back to you. How can you help anyone when you are standing on their neck telling them to get up?

I wasn't reading the depression board for the hell of it. To get some sordid kick out of reading other peoples problems or to make myself somehow feel more important, intelligent, or profound. Nor was I reading the board to find someone to belittle or attack. I came here for the same reasons as Man Apart and many others. Maybe the reason he understood my post is because I have "been there". However, what I found was I don't belong here either. I believe what goes around comes around, and maybe one day you will receive the same wonderful support you have offered to everyone else.

Man Apart,

I wish you all the best. I saw somewhere else where you are planning a trip to see your friend. I hope everything works out the way you want it. Also, thanks for being concerned about me. I will be ok, and I don't harbor any hard feelings toward you. I have weathered much worse than this and have managed to still hang on. Each time I get a little closer to the edge.

God Bless,
Sherry :wave:

enoch 06-06-2004 03:09 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
sometimes after being up all night things start to make sense - the flow of the night as it empties into day - the light just starting up - something about a sunday morning especially feels different than all the other days - memories of childhood - promises of what this time of year can bring - days not too hot nor too short - just where its suppose to be. course after being up all night theres a tendency to sleep most of the day away - buts its sunday the best day for sleeping - and if you can just hang on the thought long enough pretty soon every day becomes sunday - and a lot of things don't matter anymore even though you thought they did saturday night.

I have to wear a watch with day date and month - to remember its not sunday everyday. every 90 days or so the next batch of meds arrives - but they never come on a real sunday. although they seem to make all the other days into sunday. yes its true sometimes after being up all night it all just makes that much more sense - that its hard to make sense of all the variations and templates applied.

hope your doing well man apart - strange ontological dichotomy at work here
- no need to respond - its understood - I am what I is - and will be what I am. opinions vary.

check in with you once a week man - for my sanity not yours.

Man Apart 06-06-2004 03:47 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
I can do ya better than once a week. I can see something is troubling you. Me, im still on that rollercoaster. Unfortunately it took a freefall down today. Im started to really dislike sundays. You know, I think my family might be right, im living in a fantasy with all of this stuff about love and wanting to take a trip to see Roselyn. It seems like if I just bring it up a little bit, they will throw a million discouraging things at me. To force me into releasing that dream I have. My sister was pretty brutal. She told me I dont even know how to get downtown in this city, how can I get myself to another country. I think she believes im a crazy person or something, ok maybe I am, shes a really religious person and treats me like I have a demon inside me or something. Maybe I do.

Reality hit again. Hit me hard today. Smacked me in the face with a lead pipe. You know people travel all the time but for me its mission impossible. EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE IS IMPOSSIBLE! Its impossible to live. I reach out to people for help and they just p*ss on my parade. God forbid I ever try to do something with my life. First thing they throw at me is the money issue. Round trip from Memphis to the Philippines, cheap airline, cheap hotel. I was thinking around 2, 000 for 3-4 day stay. No, my sister laughs at me and says im looking at 3, 500 to 4,000. *sigh* Im too afraid to even call a travel agent now cos Im afraid she is right. I guess trips like this is only for the rich. It would take me 7-8 months to save up that kind of money with the one job I have now. Im straining just trying to save 100 dollars a week. Then she mocks her and the people and their culture and make ignorant comparisons to afghanastan and Iraq and tell me its not worth it if your only going over there to see some girl.

:'(... It does seem like mission impossible. You know reguardless to what anyone says nothing can physically stop me from going there. Even if it has to take 8 months. Doesnt matter how much negative people throw at me. Ill find someone who can outline for me what I need to do, what I need to have, how I need to get there. My family certainly didnt bother. Man for one second, I would just love to see a preminition of them at my funeral. I just wanna see how fake they look trying to conjure up some tears to make it seem like they really cared that much. The rules of life seem to heavily apply differently to me. Im not allowed to dream about this kind of stuff. My worst enemy isnt those who discourage me. Noone can tell me I cant go or , I cant see her, I cant love, I cant find a way to get her here. Its the ONLY thing keeping me alive. Cos if I cant then, thats it, I dont have any other purpose anymore and ill gladly excuse myself from this life. My worst enemy has always been patience. I can be reasonable. But I cant expect myself to have patience trying to save up money for 8 months for a 3 day trip. Now im really starting to get bothered by losing my other job. I could have been able to save 200 a week or more.

*sigh* this is hopeless. I should stop sinking into this pipe dream before I get too deep into it to realize it. *sigh* ....Ill find a way. And if I fail, hey, at least I tried. I tried for me, I tried for her, I tried for life. But if this cant happen for me, thats fine. I still have my fullproof back up plan. Thats the one way trip, you dont return from.

RPMcCalip 06-06-2004 11:13 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Hey ManApart, my dad has worked for Continental Airlines for over 25 years and I thought 4k for a three or four day stay sounded ridiculously high, so I gave him a call and he checked it out and said you could get tickets through Continental, round trip, to Manila for 1531, that's taxes and everything, and he said he was sure you could find cheaper tickets if you booked the flight early and checked thoroughly for online deals. He said you could possibly get something for 1200 or so. I checked a few online sites and some were pretty high (as much as 2200) but most were priced between 1500 and 1800. But again, I only checked a few airlines, so I'm sure you could find something even cheaper. I couldn't find anything even close to 4k, so your sister was way off. Hotel for four days, food, a little extra money for roses and chocolates, you could definitely do this for less than 2k.

Good luck buddy, I really hope you save the money and go through with it, I really think it would be a great experience, and certainly an adventure that you'd always remember.

enoch 06-07-2004 05:25 PM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
good information for airfares -within reach - man apart small world - one time I I lived in an apartment and the manager was married to filipino woman that he had met via letters - she told me story of how he had come there - I guess in a marriage deal (this was 1990) the american had to go in person and go with the woman to their court system or goverment system and declare that yes he loved her - and was going to marry her - something about them not granting travel permit or letting their citizens just leave without due cause - don't remember the specifics or if its changed now - but anyway he went there and she said she had to kind of keep him out danger because there were bad places in the city not good for americans to be in - (like detroit or chicago) anyway everything went off without a hitch since they see it like if your willing to go there you must be sincere about their citizen) and she came back (don't remember it they had to marry in phillipines or got married soon in states) - and I have to say this - he had bad problem with alcohol and even after she had her citizenship she did not leave him - she was not an enabler - she would leave when he got bad - but she always came back - once she found him on the floor and saved his life when she returned after being gone by calling an ambulence - he had started going into kidney failure and would have died.. - so this much I know - she was loyal once commited. don't know how it turned out - I moved.. but she gave me an address of a flipino that was being a nanny in singapore and I started writing and we wrote for about year - as friends mostly - my interest in other cultures and she was at all times refined and a good and pure woman.. it was strange one day she wrote me and said I will never hear from you again - and I went right back to where I was staying and started writing "how can you know such a thing" -but for some reason stopped writing and then never continued and never did write her again.. look up a thing called balut under phillipines cuisine - what a treat... lol

Man Apart 06-08-2004 06:53 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
RPMcCalip, thanks for the information. I really appreicate it. It kind of made my day yesterday. Finally someone giving me encouraging news. I do feel my sister was trying to discourage me intentionally by feeding me false information. She failed to mention the reason why her trip to africa cost so much was because she flew first class and paid extra for a tour bus. I still couldnt help but let it get to me. Mainly cos I let alot of the discouragement consume me. It seems like all of the variables didnt add up. It really becomes overwhelming at times when I constantly think about who I really am, the incredible misfortunes in my life and my past. Of course this would seem drastically out of reach. I'm a nobody trying to become a somebody, to at least one person in this world. And Ill travel anywhere to find that person. But there are always extenuating circumstances that apply to someone like me. All I hear is about how difficult it can and will be. That does not do me any good. I know it will be difficult. But its not like I really have any other choice. I don't. I dont want any other options. And failure will result in my demise pretty much. Your father was right, it would be probably around that range, I would hope. Ive been on many sites and I see so many different range of prices. I even saw something as high as 5, 000. I almost had a heart attack. But there werent really that many fares available. The difficult thing is that I have to land in Manila(their version of New york) just to get to her city Cagayan de Oro. So thats a extra 400 tagged on. I realize I have a big challenge ahead of me. Because I cant even consider going unless I get a new job. I feel like im being given a oppurtunity at life and having love, but its not going to drop into my lap, I understand that. Im going to have to go and get it and Im going to have to do my part and find a job so I can still live flexibly and save as well. This is everything I wanted and dreamed of. I have to overcome even my most depressive days and my most anxiety filled moments. I have to overcome the fear and the lack of motivation and energy. If I cant fight for this, then I really am a loser. Im not going to pressure myself or worry myself sick, well, better said than done, but, Ill give myself time. I can save 100 dollars a week now working my current job. I have 200 in the bank. My target is basically 2500. So I think I need another job to shave the months down from 6-7 months to 3-4 months. The fact that I have a desire to get another job is remarkable in its own, its funny how love can make you feel like you can do anything sometimes......some...times.

Enoch. Good to see your still kicking. Im still trying to shake myself off. Im drenched with depression right now. Only because there is so much doubt above my head. I just dont trust myself. I dont believe in myself. It bothers me. You know the remarkable thing about you, your a man filled a billion experiences. Youve been there, done that, nothing surprises you. Im still wet behind the ears, so to speak. There are so many layers to you as a person. You may think your just a crusty old biker. But there is much more beneath the surface. I still want to learn more about you. When you replied to Sgibson and told her about your experiences, I only felt fortunate because there was some much you wrote I never even knew or could imagine. Your like a war veteran, youve fought many wars in your time. For power, for glory, for money, for sanity. Im just a pupil, trying to learn from you. I feel fighting for love makes more sense than all the rest. Of course there is a underlining reason to why I want to be with a foreign woman. Id be lying if I said it wasnt partly because Im such of a loser in this society. But only in this society. In her world, im not. Our worlds and culture is beyond night and day. She is like noone I ever met before, and noone I could have ever imagined existing. I talked to her last night til 1 a.m. She is very religious. Which I admire. Even despite my lack of spirituality, I desperately need someone in my life who can be equal to me morally. I dont have to believe in God to behave lol, or to decipher what is right and wrong, or to have a good heart. But alot of people do. She is very good morally. She is also very humble and modest. Im a sucker for that. Shes also conservative. And most of all she is most definitely a pure and good woman. You know, I thought about how I had to bend over backwards in past dates I had with women just to seem like I had something going on. You have to abandon trying to be yourself and trying to be unique. I had to be extraordinarily impressive. Say all the right things. Be smooth. Have a good physique. Be a socialite. Basically be dishonest. Its like working another job trying to meet the unrealistic expectations of women these days.(those around my age specifically). You have to work to get there and work harder to maintain it. But with her I dont have to. I can be myself. I can be Rod. A few days ago I told her I suffer from depression. It didnt phase her one bit. What she said afterwards made me laugh. She said she would tickle me when im sad. I dont imagine my life being all that sad with her in it. Ill still be depressed from time to time. But not at the volume that it is now. I told her that we have a long and difficult road to travel. Me getting there will be hard, her getting here will be even harder. It could be 2 1/2 years before she can set foot on american soil. But I swear to her on my life I will not fail her. If I did it will cost me my life. I know it is going to take time and patience. Thats means me trying to push my car on empty for another thousand miles. Theres just that lil feeling I have, the lil thought in the back of my mind that keeps popping up. It seems like there was always something to bring me back to life when I was a walking flatline. It seems like something always would come up, something that would give me reason to go on. I hope this isnt lifes cruel way of just prolonging my death. I hope there is gold on the other end of this rainbow im on. But it always in the past seems like, the moment I get halfway across the rainbow, it just dissapears.

belize 06-08-2004 07:09 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
doesn't it seem like seven months ago was like a minute in time and if it does then in another minute you can buy that ticket. My name ain't pollyanna by any means but when those rainbows disappear it's cuz the sun came out. You are blessed to have a good lady who writes to you from her heart and would do well to enjoy and have faith in the jorney itself. That gold you hope to find is piling up now at $100- a week. It's in your pocket all the time.

sherry47 06-08-2004 09:00 AM

Re: From Man Apart.............To Geena and anyone else who cares.
 
Man Apart,

I don't know why I keep coming back here, I guess I'm just a sucker for a man in love. LOL. Anyway, you said you needed some advice on how to do this trip in a low cost way. A few things to keep in mind when booking your flight is, it's cheaper to fly out on Tuesdays, Wednesdays and Thursdays. It's also sometimes cheaper if you can stay over a Saturday. Some airlines actually require you to stay over a Saturday for their special rates. There are also sometimes restrictions on how long you have to stay. (Some have a minimum of seven days) If you book way in advance it will save you money also. Don't try to wait until the last minute to buy your ticket, you will spend a lot more. I know you said you have to land in Manila. I saw where you said you lived in Memphis. If you can either drive to a different airport or get a friend to take you, it might be worth your while to check out leaving from a different aiport. That can make a difference sometimes also.
I really think you should find a flight where you don't have too many different connections. It can add to anxiety when you have to change flights too many times. But keep in mind if you do have to make connecting flights, make sure you have at least an hour to two between those flights so you don't have to worry about making the connection. That will cut down on some of the anxiety. When you reach the connecting airport it will give you enough time to find your gate and then relax a little before boarding again. (I have small children and switching flights with kids and too short of a layover or too long of a layover can be a nightmare. Flying alone is wonderful and I know you will find that an adventure in itself.)

I know how important it is for you to go as soon as possible. I usually wouldn't recommend financing a vacation, but in this case I don't see what it would hurt. If you put your flight on a credit card and then saved your hotel and spending money, it would cut down on the amount of time you would have to put off your trip. Since you are already saving 100 dollars a week, when you get home you could put that 100 dollars a week toward your credit card bill. That way, you wouldn't get into that trap of taking so long to pay it off.

I'm really sorry we got off on the wrong foot so to speak, and I apologize for offending you or contributing to your depression in any way. It was not my intention. I really do wish you all the best and if I can help in any way just let me know. You have all the tools you need to make this work. After all, love is the great motivator. I know it's hard, but try not to get discouraged you will find a way to make this happen. (Oh, you mentioned calling a travel agent, I just want you to be aware there can be pros and cons to that. Just make sure they are a very reputable company. Check them out thoroughly if you decide to use an agency. I have no doubt that you are fully capable of planning this trip on your own, but being this is your first international trip, you may feel more comfortable using an agency.)

Good Luck and keep us posted.

God Bless,
Sherry :wave:


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