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    Old 05-19-2004, 12:53 AM   #16
    Tesseract
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Hi Geenabeena (I love that handle-it kinda rolls off the mental tongue)-always nice to meet a kindred spirit tho I'm also sorry but as long as we're here in this we may as well try to lend strength to each other if only in the knowledge that we are not alone. I think artists (e.g.,musicians) as a group are, almost necessarily, much more attuned to, hence susceptible to disruptions of, our inner world of feelings. I've often thought cold, hard types have a much easier time in a world such as ours. I noticed a thread by Man right next to this one last night but was just ready to log off so didn't look at it but I will do so when I'm done with this. I like your suggestion of printing out your guys' previous posts: I often have trouble sleeping and I could spend that time catching up with your psyches as presented herein. Also I'll check my libraries catalogue for the Campbell book-thanks for the recommendation.

    It's interesting that you think that if I'd gone the conventional route that there would still be similiar thoughts and feelings and it actually makes sense now that I reflect on it: kinda like that "grass is always greener" stance maybe tho I'm sure that extreme isolation does something to the psyche that does not happen in it's absence tho, conversely, having experienced the events you have has undoubtedly given you a different spin on things as well-I guess we're all just ultimately travelers on an unknown journey and having different perspectives of such just helps us to help others. I've always thought if I had done the conventional thing I'd have been alot happier but who knows?-it's easy to pin our feelings on our circumstance when such may not always be the case.

    In contrast to being supported by your parents it sounds like you're providing a valuable service to them and your gram and it's nothing to feel inadequate about: quite the contrary: what you're doing is quite admirable and vitally crucial: I am sure you are helping and easing the lives of all invlolved and, in return, you are getting a place to live and a stipend: I don't see anything to feel badly about there but I guess that's just my perspective and I understand and appreciate that you genuinely feel the way that you do. From my vantage point tho you seem to have alot going for you tho alas I know the grass is not always greener.

    I like this board alot. I've found alot of message boards to be really hostile, vicious places but I get only good vibes from this one and I would certainly be honored to hang with you all-thank you so much for the invitation-really I can't stress that enough-I'm so accustomed to the opposite response. I already feel so much less alone: I haven't even cried all week and when I feel myself being pulled into that dark place I have thought of this board and the people on it and have felt alot better for it-thank you so much.

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-25-2004 at 12:46 AM.

     
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    Old 05-19-2004, 01:15 AM   #17
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    lori j: thanks for your response. I hope that considering my situation gave you a new-or renewed as the case may be-appreciation for what you do have.

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-26-2004 at 11:49 PM.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 01:20 AM   #18
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    ..............

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-25-2004 at 12:51 AM.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 01:44 AM   #19
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tesseract
    And finally-tho not leastly -lori j: thanks so much for your response. I hope that realizing as you did has made you feel (or renewed as the case may be) an appreciation for what you do have.

    Man sure gets alot of vouchers and recommendations here ...tho I think I can see why...

    Thanks and good luck to all.
    I like your attitude & especially going to the store in your p.j. bottoms. My son lets his kids dress anyway they want, they are 8 & 4 & they like to play in halloween costumes & dress up. They have gone to the store all in costume in the middle of the winter or summer. The 4 year old likes to wear green rain boots that have black eye on them, with almost everything. He lets her. I think the Adam Sandler movie had a lot of infuence on how he lets his kids be individuals & decide things like that. Of course they have discipline too in areas needed, but in some things he lets them be themselves, which I think is great.
    I think I'll wear my p.j. bottoms to the store next time, I guess I'm a rebel at heart!! LOL

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 04:01 AM   #20
    Tublu
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Tesseract,

    I almost felt like I was reading about myself, there are many similarities. My isolation mirrors yours. I'm now in my late thirties and living with a parent and can go days without leaving the house. I no longer have any friends or social contacts to speak of and no family member that I am close to. Going to the grocery store has been the highlight of my life for more than a year now.

    I agree it's harder to meet people at this age and the added burden of any stigma and history of being rejected only makes it harder. It may be true that the people who matter don't care how old you are or whether you have mental health problems, etc, but where on earth do you find such people?. I think they would probably number less than 2% of the general population. Even people with mental health problems themselves would often rather be around more "normal" people.

    I too look at my life and see so much wasted youth. Developmentally my growth has been stunted by depression, anxiety, etc. over more than twenty years and limited my life experience. In the morning when I awake and gain consciousness of the reality of my life is often the worst time as I realise my youth is over and i have nothing to show for it - no family, no career, no home of my own, etc.

    After trying so many different things to turn things around and failing, I sometimes felt like there was a dark force around me. At one time it helped to look at things from a karmic, spiritual perspective and believe that all pain did have a purpose and was serving the evolution of my soul in some way. But no longer. I feel really pathetic too, so much of the time.

    Although I'm apparently not physically ugly, I often feel ugly on the inside and don't know if this is better or worse than being considered physically ugly yet feeling attractive on the inside. I have not had a boyfriend either.

    Solitary confinement is used as punishment in prison because it's psychologically painful and harmful but that is what often happens when we are depressed, reinforcing the depression. Things can be hard to deal with when you have a supportive person, but when there is noone...? I can really relate firsthand to your bad experiences with "therapy"..

    Alot of the time I feel like I'm just alive to look after my cat, like I'm just dangling by a thread sometimes. It's good you can exercise as it's proven to be beneficial for brain chemistry. I've found it helps me. Maybe you could try getting some sunshine early morning if you don't want to change your nocturnal schedule. Enough sunshine can be important. Also, I found benzos to be the worst thing for my depression. Could they be making you feel worse? (They are a CNS "depressant"). Also, you sounded like you might be sleeping alot and I know this can make depression worse because of the increase in total REM sleep (dreaming time).

    It's funny how all the behaviours that depression makes us prone to do - under or overeating, oversleeping, withdrawing or isolating, numbing ourselves with alcohol/sedatives, stimulants, neglecting ourselves physically -are all things that can worsen or reinforce depression in the long run.

    Hang in there and good luck.

    Last edited by Tublu; 05-25-2004 at 07:57 AM.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 02:00 PM   #21
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Just a couple quick notes, 'cause I have to get the kids home and go work out (I'm a lot better- thanks in large part to this board- than I was a couple of months ago).

    First, to continue the discussion of life circumstances, conventional route, isolation etc... I think what this all leads to in my mind is that there are certain personality types. And circumstances- and particularly our environment- play a major vital role indeed for people with our type of personality (many of us creative types). But there's nothing wrong with the life choices you have made in a broader sense. There are advantages and disadvantages to the decision to get married, to remain single, to have kids, to not have kids.... but whether your married with kids or not, you can still wind up lonely and depressed, onlylonely and depressed also includes extreme stress, pressure, and guilt over failing to provide for my kids the way I think I should. Yours on the other hand is probably a much more intense and pervasive lonely and depressed than mine, though.

    Yeah, we both still have the same basic inner conflicts, that's the key. My conclusion to all this, I guess, that I should think that a lot could be accomplished, in the way of finding harmony and atonement, by exploring and resolving these "inner conflicts." Easier said than done, right?

    And secondly, I have a movie recommendation. For those who have experienced this “dark force” phenomenon (I counting myself into that group), watch the movie starring Robin Williams and Kurt Russel called, The Best of Times, for some inspiration. It’s a young Robin Williams- very fun. Just watch it- you’ll see what I mean.

    More later, gotta go.

    Last edited by Genabeena; 05-19-2004 at 02:33 PM.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 04:32 PM   #22
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Quote:
    Originally Posted by Tublu
    Tesseract

    I almost felt like I was reading about myself, there were many similarities. My isolation mirrors yours, I'm now in my late thirties and living with an elderly parent and can go days without leaving the house. I have no friends or social contacts to speak of and no family member that I am close to. Going to the grocery store has been the highlight of my life for more than a year now.

    I agree it's hard to meet people at this age and the added burden of depression or other stigma and long history of rejection only makes it harder. It may be true that the people who matter don't care how old you are or whether you have mental health problems, etc., but where on earth do you find such people. I think they would probably number less than 2% of the general population. I've found that even with people who themselves have or have had psychological or mental health problems, they would still rather be around more "normal" people.

    I too look at my life and see nothing but wasted youth. Developmentally my growth has been so stunted by all the depression and anxiety over more than twenty years and has really limited my life experience. The worst time is in the morning when I first awake and gain consciousness of the reality of my life, I feel like an elephant has jumped on my chest. The realisation that my youth is now gone and I have none of the things I once expected to have at this age - no career, no family, no home and mortgage, no life savings, no travel.

    After having tried so many different things to turn things around to no avail, I too have felt like there is some dark force preventing me from succeeding. At one time it helped me to look at things from a karmic, spiritual perspective and believe that all this pain did have a purpose and was serving the evolution of my soul in some way. But whatever purpose it may have had surely would have been fiulfilled long ago. A lot of the time I do feel like the most pathetic person in the world.

    I too am apparently not unattractive and have never had a problem with my weight but often feel ugly on the inside and dont know if this is worse or better than being considered physically unattractive but feeling attractive on the inside. I have not had a boyfriend either.

    There is a reason solitary confinement is considered punishment in prisons - it is psychologically painful and harmful but that is what we are prone to do to ourselves when depressed, reinforcing the depression. Things can be difficult to deal with when you have a supportive person, but when there is noone...?. If you think therapy would be good, maybe you can shop around and find somewhere else?

    A lot of the time I feel like I am just alive to look after my cat, like I'm just dangling by a thread sometimes. It is good that you can exercise as it's proven to be beneficial for brain chemistry. I've found it helps me. Also, if you don't want to change your nocturnal schedule, maybe you could at least get some sunshine early morning before you go to sleep, apparently enough sunshine is important for depression. Also, I found benzodiazepenes(mispelt) to be the worst thing ever for my depression (they are a CNS "depressant") so maybe they could be contributing to the way you're feeling? You might want to look at how many hours you spend sleeping because too much can make it worse, supposedly because of all the dreaming we do (REM sleep) worsening the depression which is apparently why most depressives feel worst in the morning after sleep and better in the evening.

    It's funny how all the behaviours that depression makes us prone to do - under or overeating, oversleeping, withdrawing or isolating, numbing ourselves with alcohol or sedatives, stimulants, neglecting ourselves physically - are all things that can worsen or reinforce the depression in the long run.

    Hang in there and good luck.
    If you had spent a few days getting to know me and then wrote this post about your impressions of me and my life, it would spot on perfect. This is like reading my own bio and it's very creepy how EXACT it is. Very sad too.

     
    Old 05-19-2004, 06:32 PM   #23
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    being older than all the people I read posting here - and having lived with 11 mental diagnoses for the past 30 years - and now looking like moses himself - its interesting to me to look back and see myself at various points of development and understanding along the path - memories of thought from my historical library - coping skills - wayward thoughts - orphans of the heart - misguided preponderance - the will to meaning - the infinite jest - the
    dominus vobiscum quest.. jim morrison and "you can not petition the lord with prayer" - the variation of depression and insanity and at times its flipside - perfect clarity.. What eye believe now - have come to endorse now - is - what ever we suffer - what ever the weight - it serves a higher purpose we know not what.
    Take a slab of clay - throw it on the wheel - around and around it goes - the hands work it - forming it to different shapes and sizes - different things in dimenison - as we as the clay - we feel like "maybe this it - this is the best shape I have known" and splat the hands come down and distort that shape and remake it into another - and we think "this is better" and splat the hands come down and we begin again - and in all the shapes we assume and things we find in new creation we remember all the past shapes and see the differences in what we could once do and can no longer do - but at the same time see that we can now do things that we never could before - and on and on it goes - and those hands keep reworking us - and know not why - and we see only a wheel it seems we are stranded on - where is the free will in getting off it? but heres the deal - if we got off we would be on the floor unable to move - but you say well that would be good since we were only going in circles anyway.. but wait - theres more here than you eye sees - this wheel - its where we feel the hands that mold us - on th floor they would not reach us - but on the wheel we belong to the hands - and one day we realize - its not about the shape or image or perfection or completion - its about the hands - the hands on us- learning to love the hands and what ever they are doing to us = and if you took that circle of the potters wheel and placed it on the side of a car tire - you would have started in maine and now be in california - you would not know this as the wheel turned - all you were aware of was going in circles - yet those circles were in movement on another level - and destinations were being reached - even if you could not see or could not know - and finallly one day - death - the kiln is realized - the shape or memory done - and you do not take structure into death you take image - the spiritual image of what the hands have given you through their touch -
    we all seem very intellectual in our understandings of our shapes - so many thoughts doing the spaceball ricochet in our brains while our perspective of true understanding is silhouetted in the density of this physical plane and its matter.. This is who we are - this is what we believe - but where are we on the wheel? are we in harlem - are we in omaha - are we in disneyland? and as we find ourselves in any of those places what shape are we in? Are we a cup -are we a vase - are we a bowl - and ashtray - or a ball. the variations are endless - as they should be - its is only our ownselves that slow down the majestic touch of the hands as we say stop stop stop - depression is a tool - one of the strongest tools the potter uses - we don't understand that -because the pain is so complete -the weigh so impossible to endure - and yes there are some who break. - chaff - the burning of silver or gold in fire to burn away the impurities -
    is that too romantic a notion? too nebulous? too opinionated? could be - no one knows the mind of god - but in his image we are of god - and a drop from the ocean is never more aware of itself than when it finds itself on top of a floating piece of metal separating it from the ocean. and that is us on the wheel.
    happy endings are for well written books - the thought occurs to me from time to time that even in a perfect heaven to go to - it does not change the horror so many go through here - but perhaps while living in horror it is hard to know what such a life - in this short time keeps us from later in the infinite.

    I think here - we are all fairly pure as we burn in this fire. we see much and feel much not just for ourselves but for everyone burning with us.. and dorothy this sure ain't kansas. you young ones - your really old ones - do not give up your grip on your truths as you see them - new ones will always find you and spend time with you. and this is our reason to endure.

    Last edited by enoch; 05-19-2004 at 06:47 PM.

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 12:53 AM   #24
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Hi Tublu,

    It sure does sound like we have mirrored existences; so many things in your post had me going "oh god!-yes-I know":

    I have often thought about how going once a week to the Wal-Mart is the only time I leave the house and the soical high point of my life (for me just being in the presence of others constitutes a "social event"). One time I heard my mother talking on the phone to a friend and she was saying "after all going to the Wal-Mart is her big thing" and she was saying it in an excited kind of voice too(?)). I've actually come to really look forward to going grocery shopping. Tho I no longer do anything else I used to go to movies alone all the time (I now just wait for videos)-I've never understood why some people say they would be uncomfortable doing so but things I would really like to do like restaurants and concerts and bars are not things I would do a solas. I actually have tried but the experiences only ultimately left me feeling more alone. I recall one particularly painful 4th of July several years ago and I was alone (as usual) and I drove to a nearby area to see if I could just sit outside the place where there was a concert so I could just hear it and I couldn't help but notice that absolutely noone else was alone. Not at events and not driving in cars and I just really that being a really congent instance of realizing that not only was I lonely but I was profoundly *alone*. I no longer torture myself by trying.

    It is so true what you write about all the lip service people will give to acceptance but, in actuality, there only being very few that mean it in terms of actions. I sometimes think to myself that I just know there are people out there I would click with but WHERE?????...I guess it's just being lucky enough to hit one of those 2% which is all the harder to do when you never leave the house. I would guess 2% to be about right-at the most. The label is such a damning thing and it gives people an idea about you before they even meet you about what you are like. Some of the "craziest" people I've known will never be in any kind of treatment and some of the so-called "normal" people I've known have been the "craziest". It's scary how one little word in the form of a label can predetermine so much. I think people who would befriend another with these stigmas would probably have had some experiences with it growing up-relatives or friends: both the good friends I had in the past 15 years (but who have been out of my life for for the past 5 years and 10 years) had family members that had simliar problems. When one of them visited me in a psych hospital she said she really liked it there: that it felt comfortable. I have to say tho that sometimes a drive thru rush hour traffic, or a walk thru a busy mall when you're already in an irritable, state can do wonders for lonliness.


    I know that experience of emerging consciousness when you wake up too: I get it all the time. In the first few seconds I can even feel good but as my awareness expands those dark feelings creep up-the realizations-and it's like NOOOOO!. I too am profoundly unhappy with how my life has, and hasn't, turned out. There seems to be a certain level that everyone acheives and it's just a given-like moving out of your parents' home, at least dating if not getting married, having a career, friendships etc. It seems like these things are just given for most everyone which makes an inability to achieve them all the more difficult and stigmatizing.

    I've considered the karma thing too (it would be so nice which may have more than a little to do with it's invention) but I've seen waaaay too many "nice guys" finish last and waaaay too many pieces of excrement get it all handed to them on a silver platter overnight to buy into it if speaking in a single life perspective and as far as it influencing one's own supposed "other lives" if you aren't consciously aware of it who cares ya know?: what's that Stephen Write line "karma is justice without satisfaction". Ultimately we really don't know about such things tho and believing there are forces beyond one's control seems the only logical explanation.

    Your suggested dilemma about the attractiveness issue is really interesting. I've always believed that the two states of attrativeness (i.e.,inner and outer) are inter-related.

    I wish that I could have a pet but *my mother won't let me* (god that's as pathetic to have to write as it sounds) so I settle for teddy bears. Depending on the rapport you have with them I'm sure pets can be lifesavers. I once had a horse way back when and it was a really special relationship.

    I'm glad I've been able to keep up my workouts. I have done so for so long that I really have nothing to compare with in the sense of not doing it. Sometimes I wonder why I bother to continue with it. I used to really like to workout-I'd wake up with music in my head and want to get the walkman on and get going and whether or not I wanted to do it never even entered my mind it's become so routined: it's just what I do between brushing my teeth and taking a shower and there was no more reason to think about whether or not I *wanted* to do it or *felt like* doing it anymore than there was to wonder that about the toothbrushing and showering: I just did it but now I have to really force myself sometimes and I often really don't want to and don't feel like it. Sometimes when I'm really low and not wanting to workout I think to myself "I'm still so down and still overweight despite these workouts so just maybe it's not doing anything for my physical health either; besides at least 1/2 the time I couldn't care less if I were to drop dead at any given moment anyway????". Eeven tho my weight yo-yos as a function of my life situation I've always worked out for inner as opposed to outer shape and even tho I've cut some time and days in the past few years I'm glad I've stuck with it overall. Even when I don't want to do it there's a really strong part of me that very adamantly says "DON'T STOP WORKING OUT: JUST DON'T: YOU DON'T WANNT DO THAT" and I'm glad I still am. I'd recommend it for anyone and everyone.

    In the winter sunlight is really hard for me to come by and a couple of years ago I even went to a tanning booth for the first time in my life two times for the sole purpose of getting some UV light exposure. I've thought about getting those lightboxes they prescribe for SAD (i.e.,seasonal affective disorder). I agree that biorhythms and sunlight are important for brain chemistry. In the summers it stays light late enough for me to see some in the evening tho I usually don't go stand in it. Really the most sun I get is if I have a smoke standing outside my car before going into the store once a week. Last year I went out in the yard each evening and read a book til the sun went down: I should start doing that again about now. Sleep's really important too and I kinda roller coaster with that: I get periods when I'll sleep pretty solidly every night and then get hit with and at least equally long period of not being able to sleep hardly at all-I think it may have to do with hormone cycles. I have noticed tho that my sleep doesn't seem to affect my mental states as much as I thought: I can feel terrible after a long great sleep and great after no sleep and vice-versa. I've also considered the benzos affect on depression. I've noticed no difference as I've tapered down some and I do have several valid reasons for using it apart from depression: really benzos have been literal lifesavers for me tho I really wish I had never gotton addicted to them. Yeah depression is a vicous paradoxical cycle.

    I'm glad to have met you and learned about our similiarites: I've so often thought about the shopping thing and I'll be thinking of you when I hit the store next; and getting the shock of the emerging ravelled sleeve of care unknitted thru awakening and when you're feeling down know that you are not alone in it. I am so glad you responded. Thanks and good luck.

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-25-2004 at 12:51 AM.

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 01:27 AM   #25
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    enoch: you sound like a sage. I'm just blown away by your words and thoughts. How many insane souls have been celebrated as great thinkers long after they and their times have perished?. "There is no right nor wrong 'tis only thinking that makes it so" could-and does-apply just as well to insanity. I love that analogy of the potter's wheel. It seems like your journey thus far has shaped your philosphical/belief systems such that the (axiomatic) crux is faith (reconciled with doubt or does doubt throw one off the wheel?). It seems like it'd be a peaceful place to be. I wonder if the drop of water can perceive of itself as ever having been part of the ocean when away from it?. I've been reading thru some of the other threads on the board and have come across some of your posts and they pull me into another place-someplace as yet ineffable but eternal and infinite: a love of Truth but more still: a respect for it. Please keep sharing your adventures.

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-25-2004 at 12:52 AM.

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 01:29 AM   #26
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Hey Man-those unknowable forces really battered on your psyche today-I got a mental beating from them too when I woke up today-I took a pill to bring back unconsciousness. That terrible, terrible, unsufferable mental pain-like a knife in the psyche-my first thought is always "I am so $%#^ing sick of this". I've always wondered why adults tell us, when we're children, that "you can do/be anything you want" when it's such a crock-when the fall is so far down when you grow up and find it aint so...why not just say "life is unfair and life can really suck sometimes and for an unfortunate some it can suck all the time and you can surrender to the powers that be or you can check out and either way noone and nothing is going to help you". I'm so sorry to hear about the job-and the friend/family member you're grieving. I know there's nothing I can say that will make you feel better except to let you know that you are not alone in your suffering.

    There are so many similarities in our situations including my sharing the painful problems with getting attracted to people only I seem to invariably get attracted to men that I can't have even tho I don't believe I am seeking what I can't have because it's safe: I've been so in "love" with a professor, a shrink and a mental health worker-obsessed for years even-with a situation I know is doomed and unrequited. I've tried the personals before-a couple of thimes thru the years-and all anyone was interested in was sex-and sex right away-even after I stated many times that such was not what I was looking for and having them assure me that we could just be friends. I once had a friend who was drop-dead gorgeous-movie star/model looks-so glamorous and going out with her was not a good experience for my self-esteem cause I have never played or dressed or made myself up in the social part that the meat markets she dragged me to demanded-next to her I was plain jane-I always thought we were very mismatched and incongruous but we were both desperate for company and going out with her really affected my conceptions of humanity in general and men in particular: men would just drool over her and would literally not even respond to me if I tried to get a word in edgewise while she and I were supposedly together talking to them. They would have conversations about a topic that she was clueless about but I was really into; that I could've given really good conversation about but did they want to hear it?-no I wasn't the one they wanted to take home so I didn't even exist except as an annoyance or barrier in the way of getting my friend alone and this "friend" was as vapid and insensitive and mentally as unattractive as they come (we were friends out of mutual desperation: I didn't have any friends and she could only attract men that would stay around long enough to try hitting on her a few times then they were gone too because she was a very insensitive-at times downright mean-person-to me too but I just saw putting up with that-as well as having to go places and do things I didn't really want to as the price I paid for getting out of the house and being able to participate in the fun things we did). In her own way she was as miserable and lonely as I was and she was the most attractive person I have ever been in the physical presence of...I wouldn't want to be her...trust me when I say you're imagining greener grass with the attractiveness issue (and that "greener grass is over the septic tank").

    Man I know you won't hear it and it won't change anything but you've got good qualities and luck can turn. I've mused that my luck has been so bad that, if there is anything to a law of averages, I should be in for something major in the good luck department-like winning the lottery-and I guess that's part of what makes me continue to endure the suffering. Sometimes I tell myself to just try to forget who I am: that it's someone else's life that I'm just observing: some nightmare that I"ll wake up from soon. We can always leave-someday we all will whether we want to or not-if we choose to leave we'll never know if things might have changed (tho my problem being older is feeling like I'd like to leave it like that rather than confirming that nothing ever did get better)-it's all quick enough and yet it's all we have: the trivial contained in the profound and vice-versa: the absurd. Sometimes I can get into states wherein I'll just contemplate this and I'll just get bowled over laughing about the absurdity of it all (tho that hasn't happened for some time).

    You've got some people around you-an aura of caring-I would love to have had my (former) mental health agency care about me to the extent that yours seems to about you: if I'd told them I wanted to kill myself they'd probably had given me tips on how to do it like the shrink who used to tell me to cut into the veins on my foot (so noone would see then I find out the foot is the worst place to go into not that I ever would of: even the thought of doing so gives me the willies) or who wrinkled his nose and looked down and couldn't even be bothered to look at me as he held his arm outstretched behind his back with the scrips in it for the next month or two after I'd just told him I felt like blowing my brains out; who told me to get a dictophone to talk into instead of keeping a journal online for others to see; who told me to buy a housebuilding kit when I told him how badly I needed to get out of this house and the environment here...I could go on.... I would love it if my brother asked me about my problems instead of having blown me off overnight after using me for 10 years because he suddenly had no more use for me (and I could sure listen to and help with his problems but he only ever acted annoyed by mine).

    I know what you're feeling: I know how bad it is: I know how hard it is to hang on when there's nothing to hang onto. Stick around and take the numb times when you can get them for awhile-you can always check out-let that be the [comfort that gets you thru the dark hours]...for now.

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-26-2004 at 03:16 AM.

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 01:30 AM   #27
    Tesseract
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    .................

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-21-2004 at 05:31 PM.

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 01:33 AM   #28
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    .................

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-21-2004 at 05:31 PM.

     
    Old 05-20-2004, 01:56 PM   #29
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Just really quick (daughter's ballet class at 5:30). Yes, The Best of Times does have something to do with football. Maybe you've seen it, but would perhaps have a different take on it watching it with this theme in mind about the "dark force phenomenon."

     
    Old 05-25-2004, 12:57 AM   #30
    Tesseract
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    Re: Is anyone as pathetic as I am???...

    Hello, this is a little embarrassing and hopefully noone noticed but I erased my posts a few days ago in a fit of PMS induced (I hope) paranoia, confusion, and feelings that went beyond pathetic. I saved all the posts tho and have pasted them back unaltered (most of them-the ones left blank were like one or two sentences that I didn't copy). I won't do this again. I did this at another (music related) board on the same day. I don't think I"ll be back to that one tho. This is the only board I've ever come back to after doing that (not that it happens frequently or that I frequent boards for that matter). I'll probably still be out of it for a few days. Whether or not I post again I just wanted to set things straight and apologize for any confusion this may have caused.

    Man: I could sense that you didn't like what I wrote in your thread so I moved it over here. I can tell I said something, or otherwise conveyed an image, that affected you negatively but it's cool-no hard feelings.

    Tublu: I don't know why you deleted your post and I know dolphinboy quoted it but if you read this it'd be really cool if you restored yours too .

    Hey-it *is* a "mental health" board after all ....

    Last edited by Tesseract; 05-25-2004 at 02:01 AM.

     
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