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chemboy 05-16-2004 04:18 PM

Someone? Anyone?
 
I don't even know where to begin... I've read many of the other postings here, and I wonder what the hell is wrong with me. These people would kill for what I have. Compared to probably everyone else, I have nothing to be depressed about, but I am, and knowing that, makes me feel even more pathetic.

**sigh**

My problem? I am 34, and have no idea what it feels like to be happy. I know that I was happy when I was very young. I was the little kid running around kissing all the girls during school-you'd never guess that if you knew me. Life was great. Somewhere around 4th or 5th grade, I changed.

I do remember a time, at around that age, getting a serious beating from my father. I was at a friend's house one afternoon. He was someone I had met just that day. It was late, but what kid has any real concept of time? Anyway, I saw my father drive up in his car, and I was surprised and happy to see him. I went to the car, he yanked me in, and proceeded to beat me like he never did before-or after. Yes; in front of my friend. Apparently, I didn't hear anyone calling my name for dinner; I was on the other side of the neighborhood. When he finally thought I had enough, he drove me home, screaming at me the whole way. Just as he pulled into the driveway, he told me to stop crying, or he'd give me something to cry about. He must have realized he just gave me a beating of a lifetime, and didn't want my mom to find out. Anyway, that's the last time I can remember leaving the house to play with the other kids in the neighborhood. I think that was the last time I ever went out to find a new friend.

Any friends I have had were from them approaching me. There are three people from my past that I could ever call my friends. They are all married now, and two have moved away. The third is married to my ex wife's very close cousin. I haven't seen him since before the divorce-over 4 years ago. I don't want to place him in an uncomfortable situation; his marriage is more important than any friendship. So, outside of work, there is no social interaction for me. The exception being family, and I try to avoid that. I am so sick of hearing them tell me that I have to get out once in a while. I have a hard enough time leaving the apartment to go grocery shopping.

A typical day for me is just hell. I get up after maybe 3 hours of sleep, turn on the computer, and check my email: 99.99% garbage. Then I pass the time by playing mindless games like spider solitaire. I get to work at least 30 minutes early, and work straight through. No breaks, including lunch. I am stuck in a laboratory, all by myself for 9+ hours. When it is time to go home, I leave as fast as I can. I hurry up to get home, and do nothing. The shades are always closed; I hate people looking into my livingroom as they walk past. I plop myself down in front of the computer, and check my email again, mostly to empty the garbage. Then it is back to the mindless games. I might make something to eat, but lately that has just been a bowl of popcorn. I really hate the weekends; I never leave the apartment. I made plans to go out and fly my radio controlled airplane this weekend, but that just wan't going to happen. I don't know why I even bother making those plans. This was a beautiful weekend, too. What a waste.

I enrolled in a few of the on line dating services, and basically got nothing. Then, I tried eharmony; it seems to be the most legitimate, and best chance for finding anyone for me. After a few weeks, I got some matches, then some more... pretty soon, there were about 30 women that were compatable with me, according to them, anyway. So, I decided I had better put my picture up, so anyone who might be interested, would know what they were dealing with. Later that same day, 11 women dropped me from their list. Eight more the next day. I wasn't depressed enough, apparently.

The woman I married was someone I knew I shouldn't marry, but did it anyway. Why? All my life, I thought there wouldn't ever be a woman that would want to marry me. This one did. She loved me so much she would have robbed banks, if I asked her to. I, on the other hand, was very fond of her. I couldn't feel any more for her. But, she was my one chance to marry, and have a family. Thank God we didn't have any kids!

I hear people talk about make-up sex, and I have no clue what they are talking about. I hear people complain about only getting sex once a week, or once a month... Wow! I *might* have gotten it 4 times a year... I'm the kind of person that would go four times a day--on a slow day, if I had the opportunity. This lovely woman I married told me -on more than one occasion- that I repulsed her (we were no where near getting a divorce at the time). Do I know how to pick them, or what?

So, with all these reassurances, I can't even look at myself in the mirror without getting disgusted. Who in their right mind would want to be with me? The ex wife has many mental health issues, bipolar probably tops the heap, though. That is the only kind of woman that would be interested in me. No thanks; I've been there, and I don't want to return. The problem is that I am craving physical contact with someone of the opposite sex; just a simple brushing against her cheek, or holding her hand. I crave it the way a crack addict needs his next fix. I've even considered getting a prostitute. A few problems with that one: I'd have to leave the apartment, I'd have to talk to her, it just isn't morally right, and then there's the whole disease thing... I guess I will have to try to remember what it feels like. So, I have come to the conclusion that I will die lonely and alone. Someone will complain about the stench, before anyone knows.

I've done the whole counseling thing; it felt like I was paying for a friend. I've been on Wellbutrin for years; things are MUCH better than without. I don't think more (or other) drugs would help, anyway. I feel I am destined to be a failure, and that is not an easy thing to accept, but it is time I faced reality. For some reason, I keep fighting against reality, and I can't stop myself.

I don't even know what I am looking for here. Maybe someone can help somehow. I just hope I didn't upset anyone with this pathetic little synopsis of myself.

pbeauchamp 05-16-2004 04:32 PM

Re: Someone? Anyone?
 
Hey there, I think what you need is a change. Why don't you plan a vacation or go somewhere you usually would not go. This will give you the opportunity to meet people. Don't look for love because you will never find the right one when you looking, work on improving yourself to be the person your future wife would want you to be. I know everything is easier said then done but you have to change your current situation to make your self feel better. Women don't concentrate on looks nearly as much as men do, it really is your personality. Just try something different, you may like it. :)

hairdur 05-16-2004 04:33 PM

Re: Someone? Anyone?
 
Wow! I am not sure I know what to say to your post that can help you. As I was reading it, the things that popped through my mind was fear, isolation, no self worth, lonliness ( ok i can no spell! LOL) and just ... pain.. pain... pain..

Please know, before anything that you ARE worth something! Everyone is! You are a human, you are put on this earth for a reason. And sometimes, it looks like there is no light at the end of that tunnel but there truely is.
It would seem, ( as I am no doctor however) that , the event that happened when you were young really tramatized you enough that fear of making new friends would bring you pain or embarrassement. It is very sad that your father had to do what he did. And I am sorry you had to feel the pain that you did for it..Do you now find it hard to make friends? Does this come back to you, the memories of it?
I know you said you went to counciling. However maybe you didnt find the right one. I am a firm beliver in counciling. Whether it comes from a church, or a therapist... They show you how to use the tools you were given in life to get through life. Eveyone falls off course once in a while. I think everyone of us in the world should see a counciler! LOL.
Medication is also a big help. Wellbutrin is a nice drug. It gives you energy as well. But I do know it helps in combination with a lot of other meds. Perhaps paxil or another one of those types might be what you need. When you are able to start dealing with things from your past maybe you can move on to start getting out in the world a bit more and join a gym, or a church group or what have ya.
Another thing that helps, to try to make new friends are on line games. There is a lot of interaction without really knowing the people. This can maybe help you become more comfortable knowing people, " talking" with them, and just know that you ARE a good person, you are worth something and loved..
I dont know if this at all helped.. Please hang in there. Please call a therapist or counciler.. Take those steps to start gettingt yourself happy again!

lori j 05-16-2004 09:01 PM

Re: Someone? Anyone?
 
Why not try a new cousellor? It doesn't sound like the one you had did you much good. Most of us with depression have low self esteem or little self worth.

Glad you found this place, I have no real answers, but there are many people who are willing to share thoughts with you at this site & understand your pain.

I know meds help, but they cannot replace a real person to share things with. Sometimes we project how we feel about ourselves to others, I believe you need to feel better about yourself before anyone will see the real you in there. I would try a new counsellor, as it sounds like your meds are working ok for you.

tanis 05-19-2004 12:23 PM

Re: Someone? Anyone?
 
[COLOR=DarkOliveGreen]Hi there:

I am truly sorry for what happened to you when you were so young. I was just wondering if you ever mentioned this to your dad maybe later on in life. I know it could be very difficult to bring something up so painful from the past, but it is obviously something that you weren't able to let go of.

Did you have a good relationship with your dad before that aweful event? Or after? Just wondering what the circumstances surrounding it were. I remember a time that my older brother, when he was about 7 or 8 years old, was in the car. My mom was driving and he opened the car door and fell out on the road. My mother in a panic pulled over and got out. She ran and picked him up, and beat the living daylights out of him.

Now she loved him dearly, but I don't think her actions were appropriate. She probably should have hugged him and kissed him, greatful that he was alive. Just as your dad maybe should have hugged and kissed you, grateful that he finally found you and you weren't kidnapped or drowned or whatever. Then given you both appropriate punishment at home for your actions.

She also did that to me. I was playing in a fort with some of my friends. I didn't hear her calling me until she was really close. I ran out the door and before I could even say hi, she slapped me across the face. I was so embarrassed.

Another time, I asked if I could go camping with some girlfriends. I was 16. She said yes. My two girlfriends and I had to walk to the place. My brother passed us in his logging truck and called her. I think he told her we were hitchhiking. We weren't. When we got there, a bunch of our guy friends were there. My mother showed up with my brother and right away assumed we were only there because of the guys, and that we were going to camp with them. Which we weren't.

She told me to get in the truck. On the way home I tried to explain this, but she did not want to hear it. I argued and my brother smacked me in the mouth and made my lip bleed. I swore at him and my mom told him to stop the truck. She drug me out of the truck and down a steep bank to the creek. She proceeded to put my head under the water and I really thought I was going to die. When she thought it was enough, she made me get into the back of the pick-up because I was wet. We then had to parade through town. I felt as though everyone saw me with my hair wet and muddy and me crying.
I do have a good relationship with her today, but we tell each other how we feel all the time. I too go no where. I never really understood why, but maybe you just helped me to understand partially why.

Anyways, I was trying to make a point at how people,(no matter how much they love us) when they panic, can react in so many different ways. Sometimes they act before they think. Then they probably end up feeling guilty. Most are human and make terrible mistakes sometimes. Sometimes I think that growing up takes several lifetimes. Your dad probably, as time went by, had no idea how much that affected you. I don't know. I guess that is why I asked how your relationship was before this happened.[/COLOR] :)

alphamale9009 05-19-2004 02:20 PM

Re: Someone? Anyone?
 
First off, you are a talented writer. Soon as you read this, start writing a novel, I suggest a post-modernist semi-autobiography, that's what i'm writing right now.

Now, i would caution you against identifying your trauma's. What happened to you with your dad, i doubt has much to do with why your life sucks now. Not wanting to leave your apartment might be as much an anxiety problem as a depression problem because your motivation is a balance between risk and desire, so you may look into some anxiety medications. You may have little desire but do something that is low risk or lots of desire...ok, too complicated, i'll stop unless you ask for an explanation. Anyway, the message is your view about how you got here is probably a "grand narrative" that isn't really the truth, heavily influenced by psychoanalysis. Throw that out for now and just look at your present life.

You haven't experienced happiness in a while, my guess is that you have become heavily institutionalized by work and routine. This probably started with school all the way up till now. You have forgotten how to do what you want to do. You go to work and there are few opportunities to do what you want, plus you've forgotten what the impulse to do something feels like.

IN sum, two things, create a project like writing a book to put some purpose to your life. The book doesn't have to be perfect, in fact, you'll clean it up later, just get something down on paper first. Second, find a drug that works. For me Klonopin has worked best for both anxiety and depression. Watch your diet and don't exercise too much as this can deplete chemicals you need for your brain. But do exercise, by all means. Lastly, find a healthy position to see your problem from. Ironic as it seems, for me, it was best to view my problem as completely physical. This does away with guilt and the heavy responsiblity of trying to make my brain act right.

Hope this helps my man, you can conquer this, I can tell
alpha

loveFalloutBoy 05-19-2004 06:20 PM

Re: Someone? Anyone?
 
i am really sorry for all the troubling times you all went through, i have been down that road and im only 16! awful things have happened in my life and i know it is hard to talk about them but it helps a whole lot, going to church helps also i started going and am starting to feel a lot better, plus i have support from family, and friends who make me laugh. Just start by setting little goals to accomplish and know some person out there loves you.

"when an emotional injury takes place, the body begins a process as natural as the healing of a phyiscal wound. let the process happen. trust that nature will do the healing. know that the pain will pass, and when it passes, you will be stronger, happier, more sensitive and aware."
Mel Colgrove


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